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Original poster

DH lying about pension payout

412 replies

OITNBfanclub · 06/03/2024 20:10

Urgh. Sitting here in sad fog ☹️
recently my husband enquired about taking his state pension - he’s 67 and still working but also has another pension with his work and we could do with the money now for a variety of reasons we both have talked through at length and agreed on.
a few letters arrived today, all for him. I asked him over dinner if he’d seen them as they sometimes get missed on our cluttered hall table. I thought he looked a bit funny and he said oh yes, it was just our car tax renewal forms. And super fast changed the subject. My spidey senses tingled but I figured he was just hangry /whatever. I went upstairs to run bath and on the way went to lay out my keys and bag for tomorrow and stuffed into the drawer was a letter still sticking out like it was in a rush which was odd, so I took it out and one very quick glance seems to show it’s his pension, with a £9k payment being made this week and I think £814 every month
from now on. I couldn’t believe it, he clearly opened it, lied to me and shoved it away. Why would he lie to me and not share the good news? is he planning on telling me it’s a smaller amount and keeping some aside for 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️And what do I do now, confront him? Or wait for him to hopefully tell me the truth? I just feel really side hit by it ☹️

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 08/03/2024 18:21

caringcarer · 08/03/2024 18:17

Is this a private pension, not his state pension? I'd ask him if he's had a statement from his private pension and if he's planning on drawing that now? Ask him point blank. If he says no I'd tell him you saw the letter poking out of the drawer and know the figures included in it. I think I'd ask him then if he's planning on leaving you. See what he says. You can only go from there. I take it you saw the name of the pension company?

Show quote history

At least read the OP’s posts.

Hothotdamage · 08/03/2024 18:29

RawBloomers · 08/03/2024 18:21

At least read the OP’s posts.

Show quote history

This wouldn't be MN if people read the OPs posts.

caringcarer · 08/03/2024 18:35

OITNBfanclub · 08/03/2024 07:35

thanks to all of you who have been kind and supportive. I’ve been taken aback by the horrible comments but people need to get their kicks in somewhere I guess.
He approached me last night of his own Accord and sheepishly said he hadn’t shown me the letter because he was taken aback by it and also didn’t want the kids around hearing about it. The amount he’s said is about £400 less than the total I saw so I’m guessing he wants to keep that for himself, maybe a gift for me, maybe as a treat for him, I don’t know. But I’m going to let that slide I think. Again thank you to those who have been so helpful and supportive.

At least he has now acknowledged the letter. I take it £400 less off the lump sum not the monthly amount. I'm sure this is a huge weight off your mind. Maybe he's planning a little weekend break together or something equally nice.

caringcarer · 08/03/2024 18:36

OITNBfanclub · 08/03/2024 15:06

Awww thank you! Glazier already scheduled as are boiler quotes 😂really appreciate you kind souls 💞

That's fab.

Original poster
OITNBfanclub · 08/03/2024 21:19

You are all so kind, thank you 💞x

OP posts:
thinkinghuts · 09/03/2024 08:41

personally i would be worried he had lopped off £400

He admitted to lying about the amount and so told the “truth” only it still wasn’t quite the truth. And i would especially be concerned given his ease with lying against the backdrop of his alcoholism and the extensive lies in the past.

Onehouratatime · 09/03/2024 08:44

I'm so relieved for you OP maybe he just did want to find the right time to speak about it maybe he was taken aback however he did come and tell you and didn't wait weeks and weeks to do it. The 400 might be for personal use. Tax cc debt or whatever but ultimately he told you and had a valid excuse

Your marriage seems good and you got through a massive hurdle which would of destroyed others previously so be proud of that

thinkinghuts · 09/03/2024 09:10

The 400 might be for personal use. Tax cc debt or whatever but ultimately he told you and had a valid excuse

another one relaxed about the little lie of £400

if it was for the personal use, why did he lie or feel the need to lie about it? The Op surely would have been absolutely fine with that?

Anniegetyourgun · 09/03/2024 10:18

Given the history of his addiction and associated dishonesty it's obviously very important OP's DH should be as honest as possible. However, if I received £8400 or so from unexpected source I'd probably refer to it as £8000 too - it's how I'd think about it. It's a lie if he continues to make sure his wife doesn't find out about the difference, but if he's just saying a round sum that isn't untrue, it's rounding.

thinkinghuts · 09/03/2024 10:56

Anniegetyourgun · 09/03/2024 10:18

Given the history of his addiction and associated dishonesty it's obviously very important OP's DH should be as honest as possible. However, if I received £8400 or so from unexpected source I'd probably refer to it as £8000 too - it's how I'd think about it. It's a lie if he continues to make sure his wife doesn't find out about the difference, but if he's just saying a round sum that isn't untrue, it's rounding.

but even after you had outrightly lied
and then went “sheephishly” to your partner to admit to the whoopa

and then still shave off £400? really?

TheMarsBarRover · 09/03/2024 12:00

Goodness, some of the comments here are horrible. OP, I'm in a relationship with an older man and we've just started our family later in life. We know there will be challenges but DC is loved and cared for, and has already brought us such joy.

I'm very glad your DH told you about the pension letter in the end without you prompting him. I can understand that he wanted a little time to process suddenly getting the extra money in reality, rather than it being an abstract idea.

Wishing you all the best. 🌸

Rosscameasdoody · 12/03/2024 07:30

HebburnPokemon · 08/03/2024 08:23

Indeed. Very selfish. If I was that 13 year old, I'd be mortified but more importantly, grieving the dad I should have had.

In what realm did you think this was a good idea OP? Did you want to trump his ex?

Those little kids are highly likely to suffer bereavement of a PARENT whilst they are still children. It's quite upsetting when you think about it.

Show quote history

Not only does this post not have anything remotely to do with what OP asked, it’s also one of the vilest comments l’ve seen on MN. We all die. We could all die at any moment. In what realm do you think OP should have remained childless because she met and fell in love with an older man?

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