DH lying about pension payout

[OITNBfanclub]

Urgh. Sitting here in sad fog ☹️
recently my husband enquired about taking his state pension - he’s 67 and still working but also has another pension with his work and we could do with the money now for a variety of reasons we both have talked through at length and agreed on.
a few letters arrived today, all for him. I asked him over dinner if he’d seen them as they sometimes get missed on our cluttered hall table. I thought he looked a bit funny and he said oh yes, it was just our car tax renewal forms. And super fast changed the subject. My spidey senses tingled but I figured he was just hangry /whatever. I went upstairs to run bath and on the way went to lay out my keys and bag for tomorrow and stuffed into the drawer was a letter still sticking out like it was in a rush which was odd, so I took it out and one very quick glance seems to show it’s his pension, with a £9k payment being made this week and I think £814 every month
from now on. I couldn’t believe it, he clearly opened it, lied to me and shoved it away. Why would he lie to me and not share the good news? is he planning on telling me it’s a smaller amount and keeping some aside for 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️And what do I do now, confront him? Or wait for him to hopefully tell me the truth? I just feel really side hit by it ☹️

You need to just ask him and tell him you’ve seen the letter. The sooner you do it the less time he has to think of excuses etc.

So…. you plan to ask him tonight?

Fgs just ask him

... has a pay out of money from HIS pension. If you’re needing to use the £9k pay out on house updates, maybe he doesn’t want to use it on that and just hasn’t discussed it with you yet?

Jesus, some people really can't read! Op has already said he came to her with the plan for what to spend the money on.

Also, when you're in a longterm relationship, especially married with kids, it's perfectly normal to discuss and agree what to spend a lump sum of money on. This is family money.

Jesus Christ. I pity anyone you share financial commitments with if that’s your take on it.

This!

I think you’re being incredibly optimistic about what he will be doing in 10 year’s time OP! I look after my grandchildren once a week, I consider myself to be reasonably fit but my oh my they knacker me out after a day! I know I would not be able to work full time with teens in the home needing lifts here, there and everywhere, let alone live with stroppy teens!
There’s more likelihood that you’ll have an elderly husband who needs looking after himself rather than vice versa. There’s a reason why the State pension can be claimed at 66 - it’s because most people at that age are not able to work the same way anymore.

He's a psychotherapist? He will know better than anyone why you should be concerned that an alcoholic in receipt of a large sum of money has kept quiet about it.

would he be planning to arrange his funeral with the money?

Why drag it out just ask him and then you know where to go from there.

I reckon I'd give it a day or so then ask him when would be sensible to have the boiler done etc, ie act as if you both know the letter has arrived/money has arrived and all is continuing as planned.

And then see if he outright lies again.

If so I think you should ask him why he is pretending he hasn't had the letter/money.

😂 My husband might agree with you..

I plan to be teaching at 60
150 kids a day.
Only 6 years away
some of us have energy

I would agree with this.

Even if he is not planning a secret alcoholic retirement (worst case scenario), he might be starting to feel his body slow down and realising he is physically not up to the responsibility and stamina of a young family for next 10 years. He might be thinking of a get out clause, but not sure what or how. Whatever it is, he will need money so he is putting it aside if it comes to that.

My late father told me he started to feel it in his late sixties. As in realising he will be needing care rather than being able to provide it. That was the start of his becoming dependent on people more.

Some people, especially if they were fiercely independent and capable as adults, hate to admit they are slowing down or losing it. It is why people hide their forgetfulness or dementia. May not be easy to get a straight answer about how he feels about the next 10 years even if you tell him you would be 100% supportive.

60 is not 70. All of our bodies will deteriorate in our 70s, that's the nature of being human. Especially someone that abused their body with excessive alcohol. My grandma was a energetic fire cracker. Literally jumping on a trampoline with us into her 50s and 60s. Once her late 60s hit, she kept trying but was forced to slow down. Cancer took her at 74. The OP's DH will be 80 when his youngest is 15, if he lives that long.

Working at 60 is not unusual - most of us will still be working at 60. The OP's DH is aiming to retire at around 77!

He won't be 60 though, he'll be 77.

77 at least, thought was till dc were 16 so another 14 years?

Why shouldn’t he? One of the most dynamic people I every worked with went on in work till her late 70s. People don’t become less intelligent just because they are older.

And when he gets a bit older he might even be able to run for President of the USA

I felt the same at 54. By the time I hit 58 I’d completely changed my mind! I have energy, I have a desire to still work, which is why I DO still work albeit part time. Most if not all my colleagues who are in their 50s are exhausted.

It depends what you mean by intelligent. I’d argue that people DO become less mentally active as they age, because the very organ that controls their bodies and intelligence is deteriorating. Brain cells dont regenerate. Once they’re gone, theyre gone.

I think people are lucky to continue to be 'intelligent' or not lose too many brain cells by the time they are in their 70s. Having 2 parents with dementia in their 80s, I am wondrous at people who are still sharp in their 80s and 90s. I don't think it is a given.

However, when it goes downhill, it can be pretty fast.

Are you ok OP?