DH lying about pension payout

[OITNBfanclub]

Urgh. Sitting here in sad fog ☹️
recently my husband enquired about taking his state pension - he’s 67 and still working but also has another pension with his work and we could do with the money now for a variety of reasons we both have talked through at length and agreed on.
a few letters arrived today, all for him. I asked him over dinner if he’d seen them as they sometimes get missed on our cluttered hall table. I thought he looked a bit funny and he said oh yes, it was just our car tax renewal forms. And super fast changed the subject. My spidey senses tingled but I figured he was just hangry /whatever. I went upstairs to run bath and on the way went to lay out my keys and bag for tomorrow and stuffed into the drawer was a letter still sticking out like it was in a rush which was odd, so I took it out and one very quick glance seems to show it’s his pension, with a £9k payment being made this week and I think £814 every month
from now on. I couldn’t believe it, he clearly opened it, lied to me and shoved it away. Why would he lie to me and not share the good news? is he planning on telling me it’s a smaller amount and keeping some aside for 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️And what do I do now, confront him? Or wait for him to hopefully tell me the truth? I just feel really side hit by it ☹️

The normal thing in a relationship would be to speak to him.

What is it that makes you too scared to do that?

His age could be the entire reason why he is lying, that's why. He was able to take out this much pension because of his age. He has no prospect of retirement for the next 10+ years because of the children's ages. Everyone is speculating as to why his lying or withholding the information, which could be related to his age. Reflecting on your life and facing your mortality in your late 60s is a common occurrence and could be directly related to why he's not being open.

OP mentioned the ages and his addiction history because they both could be related to the behavior she is questioning.

Absolutely, his age, the OP’s age, and the ages of his very young children are all highly relevant. The timing of this windfall and his choice to draw down now are precisely because of his age. And the implications are profound because of his remaining years’ opportunity to earn and contribute to the household. It’s disingenuous to disregard age here.

How the heck are we 354 posts in and the OP hasn't spoken to her husband yet?

Exactly it would have taken 30 seconds to just ask him about it and say she had seen the letter in the drawer, but for some reason she is afraid to do it.

There should be a disclaimer at the start of these threads so that you know after 15 pages you never find out what happened because the op doesn't come back

Pêople are SO nasty.
I doubt the OP will be back. I wouldnt.

@OldTinHat has it. Well done. I agree.

This thread is disgusting. OP hope you've managed to speak to your husband. The negativity you've received is very unfair.

Op. Don't give your husband any more time I reccomend a "I've seen the letter about the pension - why did you lie to me? " conversation asap. Do not hold this is in any longer you will send yourself mental.

Ignore the negative nasty comments on mumsnet from horrible people unfortunately not all of us on here have empathy or care for others.

I hope your ok op update us soon x

@perplexedbutok there’s been a bit of nastiness regarding it being her that wants his pension when she’s said it’s been his idea. But other than that, you’re right, most people are trying to come up with reasons he may have hidden the letter, which is what she asked for.
@OITNBfanclub if he doesn’t mention it today, then maybe say something? I’m impressed how you’ve managed to go for so long! Good luck!

I hope you've managed to speak with your husband op, the not knowing his thoughts on the letter would be destroying me in your shoes.

thanks to all of you who have been kind and supportive. I’ve been taken aback by the horrible comments but people need to get their kicks in somewhere I guess.
He approached me last night of his own Accord and sheepishly said he hadn’t shown me the letter because he was taken aback by it and also didn’t want the kids around hearing about it. The amount he’s said is about £400 less than the total I saw so I’m guessing he wants to keep that for himself, maybe a gift for me, maybe as a treat for him, I don’t know. But I’m going to let that slide I think. Again thank you to those who have been so helpful and supportive.

Hey OP, hope you're ok. Good to hear that he's come clean, and I agree that £400 isn't really worth worrying about in the grand scheme of things.

Did you tell him you’d already seen the letter and ask why he lied to you?

The children being 2, 4 and 8 is surely a bit of a red herring ? as they have a bedtime ? and he had the rest of the evening to tell you.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship - him lying about the amount and you not wanting to confront him.

Lies and secrets are not conductive to a good relationship.

Good luck OP.

And this incident is likely to continue to fester - you won't be able to forget what he's done and may come to resent it.

Perhaps the difference in the lump sum payment takes into account the additional tax he will pay.

In a way (being a couple of years younger than DH) I can understand why he may have wanted time to process the fact he is old enough to be a pensioner seems real now. Having a young family, younger wife and being in full time employment might make it easier to ignore.

Good outcome op. Perhaps he has built up a bit of cc debt he needs to clear, or wants something special for himself. Or maybe book a surprise weekend away. Regardless, he’s not saving a runaway fund.

Indeed. Very selfish. If I was that 13 year old, I'd be mortified but more importantly, grieving the dad I should have had.

In what realm did you think this was a good idea OP? Did you want to trump his ex?

Those little kids are highly likely to suffer bereavement of a PARENT whilst they are still children. It's quite upsetting when you think about it.

@HebburnPokemon please be quiet.
You are bullying.

I absolutely agree and have just reported