DH lying about pension payout

[OITNBfanclub]

Urgh. Sitting here in sad fog ☹️
recently my husband enquired about taking his state pension - he’s 67 and still working but also has another pension with his work and we could do with the money now for a variety of reasons we both have talked through at length and agreed on.
a few letters arrived today, all for him. I asked him over dinner if he’d seen them as they sometimes get missed on our cluttered hall table. I thought he looked a bit funny and he said oh yes, it was just our car tax renewal forms. And super fast changed the subject. My spidey senses tingled but I figured he was just hangry /whatever. I went upstairs to run bath and on the way went to lay out my keys and bag for tomorrow and stuffed into the drawer was a letter still sticking out like it was in a rush which was odd, so I took it out and one very quick glance seems to show it’s his pension, with a £9k payment being made this week and I think £814 every month
from now on. I couldn’t believe it, he clearly opened it, lied to me and shoved it away. Why would he lie to me and not share the good news? is he planning on telling me it’s a smaller amount and keeping some aside for 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️And what do I do now, confront him? Or wait for him to hopefully tell me the truth? I just feel really side hit by it ☹️

There’s more than one parent, and parents can choose certain roles to take on, and they will work to their strengths and abilities. I’m sure OP and her DH are aware their plans may need to change, just like it could for someone 20-30yrs younger if something happened

my son is 13… and it’s a touch more than that.

dealing with friendship issues after school, homework, wanting friends to come
back after school. teenage hormones.

All overseen by a man in his late 70ies

You have to be realistic op

the op works full time and has a very serious son with SEN who doesn’t recognise the man

all i’m saying is… a big dose of reality of what a man in his seventies will be able to do with primary aged and teenage children and a partner who intends to take on a more senior full time role as well has exclusively caring for her son with SEN

He might be wanting to give his adult dd some of her inheritance now.

precisely what i think

.

I don't get it. It's his pension, you're not entitled to a single penny. It's also up to him if he wants to tell you. My husband could take a run and jump.

So your partner is 67 years old,
and has a pay out of money from HIS pension. If you’re needing to use the £9k pay out on house updates, maybe he doesn’t want to use it on that and just hasn’t discussed it with you yet?
maybe he wants a bit of financial security himself Incase anything else comes up (car/boiler breakdown, or god forbid something fun like a holiday after working to pension age).
is he really expected to be working for another 10 years and be 77 when retiring?!
not sure if I’m misunderstanding.
My disposable income and spare money has always been my money, same with his. Aslong as our bills are paid and we take it in turns to pay for outings/towards holidays then I find it runs smoother that way.
If someone was telling me what to spend my pension pay out on, I wouldn’t be too amused.
might not even be negative and might be a surprise for you both; who knows without asking!

if you have other suspicions then I’d suggest asking about those instead

The issue isn’t necessarily what he wants to do with it, even though they’ve discussed it.

The issue is his secrecy, lying by omission. Totally undermines the relationship.

If as some, optimistically have suggested, he turns up on eg. mother’s day with eg. a 10,000 family holiday surprise, he need never know about the MN shenanigans. If he doesn’t, big problem as suspected by OP.

You’re wrong - you can defer your state pension and get it backdated. Several people, including myself, have posted the link to the Gov website with this information on.

Have you both discussed what his dd inheritance would be and when she gets it as obviously you will probably be around many more years

Oh my god. Stop derailing this thread with BS about ages quite frankly what does it matter to you? This post isn't about the age of her dp or her children FOR GODS SAKE. So just stop. Start a thread about ages to start a family if your that bothered.

This thread is about a women who's been lied too and is now in a state of why? What if? Have I missed something? Why? Why? Why? Stop being horrible and nit picking on her husbands age and her children's ages it's irrelevant !!!

Mumsnet is ridiculous for this bitchy nasty comments which are ridiculous and nothing to do with the original post. If you can't be helpful or at least polite go away.

Even if he turns up with 10k holiday surprise it’s an issue if the two of them have been financially planning for their future and he’s blown the money on something different meaning they won’t have enough money to keep the house in a decent state or whatever else they’d planned to ensure the wellbeing of the family.

💯 agree. This sort of pile on happens a lot on MN I’ve noticed.

Why wait? Ask him. The not knowing will drive you nuts!

A mumsnet pile on of judgement, how usual! Vipers are always out.

For some people the glass is always half empty.

I think you are getting an unfair bashing here @OITNBfanclub I am not in the slightest interested in ages or jobs or kids or he said she said.

I can only offer a real world thing that happened to me. My Dad passed away and really surprisingly I was left a small few thousand. Before it went into my bank I told my siblings I was going to use it to pay off my small few thousand debt. Would make me debt free for the first time in decades. Nothing left over.
BUT when it landed, I didn't recognise myself. All my carefully worked out plans just shuddered to a halt. It was in my face, a one off opportunity, never to be repeated, perhaps I could have a little fun too? I bought the Xmas presents I had always wanted to gift, but could never afford. A brand new coat. A take away. Such guilty extravagance.

I am suggesting that maybe, even after all the sensible conversations and plans, that your dh is just taking some time to wonder if he could splurge a little. Perhaps he is weighing up if the windows really need replacing right now, not broken exactly, still let light in, bet the light in Benidorm is great right now.
Give him a little time op.

I am worried that with alcohol addiction in his history, he may be planning a secret alcohol binge for his retirement.

It is totally unfair to the OP and the dcs, if true. It would be selfish in extreme.

I think these were answered or could be deduced from the OP's posts. She's 42, 8, and 2 4 or younger, Yes, an adult daughter.

Also, he's 25 years older, so 67, had an alcoholic relapse 15 years ago, and it took a long time to rebuild trust. Which is probably why they waited to start their family.

@OITNBfanclub, I hope everything is good with the money. Not to add to your worries, but I would have to ask; my DH has bipolar 1, and during an unstable swing he could (and has) very easily make impulsive purchases and decisions. Sometimes I have had to question and put the brakes on until his good judgement is in control again.

Good luck!

Maybe you should have done some research before being ripped off then.

Going back to main topic of thread. To be honest @OITNBfanclub i would advise you to ask your husband about the letter sooner rather than later, particularly if he has a history of addictive behaviour which leads to deceit, lies, hiding things. I think waiting to see if he does, knowing his history, may be a risky move. I hope he is honest with you and that he just wanted to do some number crunching first, rather than anything more sinister.

A kid at 48 is very different than a kid at 65. School pick ups? How much longer will he even be able to drive? He's going to be 72/73 when his youngest STARTS primary school. They literally planned kids at an age were the kids will watch their father's health deteriorate and possibly die during their childhood. I bet this guy looked at this pension payout and started to realize the gravity of what he signed himself up for. Working full time with two toddlers at home is tough anytime but at 67? If his addiction was drugs, his body is also likely aged beyond his years. The urge to bolt is there I'm sure but also sounds like he's been trying not to be his age for a while and taking the pension out likely slams home what he's been in denial of.

Exactly this