DH lying about pension payout

[OITNBfanclub]

Urgh. Sitting here in sad fog ☹️
recently my husband enquired about taking his state pension - he’s 67 and still working but also has another pension with his work and we could do with the money now for a variety of reasons we both have talked through at length and agreed on.
a few letters arrived today, all for him. I asked him over dinner if he’d seen them as they sometimes get missed on our cluttered hall table. I thought he looked a bit funny and he said oh yes, it was just our car tax renewal forms. And super fast changed the subject. My spidey senses tingled but I figured he was just hangry /whatever. I went upstairs to run bath and on the way went to lay out my keys and bag for tomorrow and stuffed into the drawer was a letter still sticking out like it was in a rush which was odd, so I took it out and one very quick glance seems to show it’s his pension, with a £9k payment being made this week and I think £814 every month
from now on. I couldn’t believe it, he clearly opened it, lied to me and shoved it away. Why would he lie to me and not share the good news? is he planning on telling me it’s a smaller amount and keeping some aside for 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️And what do I do now, confront him? Or wait for him to hopefully tell me the truth? I just feel really side hit by it ☹️

Amazing 😻

Because it's not a Netflix series or a soap opera. OP's aren't obliged to jump to attention and act on whatever advice posters decide to dish out.

And for those saying this thread hasn't been nasty, why do you think there are so many deletions? Why do you think MN commented on the thread? To praise everyone for their thoughtful and considered advice?

I get that the ages are relevant. I get that the OP's husband may now be reassessing his decision to have children late in life. But some of the comments have been way off. Fair enough if the OP had posted 10 years ago and said 'should I have children with my husband? He's late 50s, I'm 25 years younger'. But that's not the question and whilst you may think it's a stupid idea to have children later in life, how on earth is expressing that now helpful to the OP?

I'm glad he's finally admitted the letter to you OP.

It's totally your decision and he may've had a good reason to lie to you initially, but personally I think I would've admitted to him that, although you're pleased he's told you finally, but you saw the letter and was quite concerned why he had told you otherwise. It may open an honest discussion from him as to why he felt the need to do that, plus hopefully sends a message to him to not try to hoodwink you again.

Have followed aghast at the nasty judgements on this thread. To be fair to the dh, he didn't lie, he waited from seeing the letter in the morning until there was a chance in the evening to talk to his wife. The £400 discrepancy, in the light of previous issues around dependency might be a red flag, but it might just also be him saying the wrong amount - it's easy to round it in your head.

Wishing you all the best, OP, it's not easy negotiating life whatever our situations.

Why are you being so horrible?! I’m really taken aback. It’s not even like she is asking if it’s a good idea, the kids are already here.

If it’s not worth worrying about then why lie?it’s not the amount, it’s the lie. If he wants to use the money for something be honest and have an open discussion about it.

Additional needs = non early bedtimes 😂sadly!

This is very kind. Thank you.

Literally speechless!
but can’t say nothing - how vile are you?
my (young) mum died when I was 10 of cancer. It broke Me. My wonderful (older) dad took the best care of me and my siblings and was older than many of my friends dad and is still a force
of nature in his 90’s💪just returned from visiting Thailand with his best friend as it had always been on his list!

I learned the hard way you can loose a parent anytime sadly. So make the most of the time you have.

and we never grieve what we haven’t had- we may dream of it but you can’t grieve it 🙄

so…do I think marrying for love and choosing a nice man who is a good dad to have a family with, and is a bit older, accepting at some point we will all die was a good idea? Heck yes.

Glad you were able to talk about it and he's not hiding it as you feared. The 400 might be tax? You saw the gross amount and he told you the net.

I’d ignore the £400 discrepancy too. It could be round down, tax deduction etc etc. It’s not relevant.
and please please ignore the incredibly mean comments. I’ve reported a few as they’re outrageous!!
Enjoy your new boiler, carpets etc x

Enjoy OP!! 👍

Awww thank you! Glazier already scheduled as are boiler quotes 😂really appreciate you kind souls 💞

Not sure id be too hung up on the £400 either op. Good outcome though, I bet you're relieved!

You were in your early twenties presumably when you met him? what drew you to a 50 year old?!

anyway that’s none of my business.

Re the actual thread issue… it’s good you’re satisfied with the outcome, however to go from so worried to immediately absolutely fine is probably a bit rash IMO.

oddly enough i would be

It is not the amount that’s the issue
It is the lying

@HebburnPokemon

Your posts were genuinely vicious, I can't imagine what on earth you were thinking when you posted them. Such vitriol for a perfect stranger. I hope you read them back and feel embarrassed.

Yes. If they divorce over this. She’s entitled to half of everything. I think that was the implication here?

OP it looks like he doesn’t want to spend his pension on new carpets.

Not necessarily.

50/50 is the starting point, but needs and capacity are also taken into account. OP will have three children to care for, but she also has 25+ years of working to help provide for her and them. Her DH is basically at retirement and has no room to improve his financial situation. If she did want to divorce she should take legal advice and find out what a likely settlement would be. This isn’t a typical case.

Glad he's come clean on his own accord, OP.

Be sure to get your boiler from wherever @BillyNotQuiteNoMates gets them for £500😂

If only there were a way to see the OPs updates ....

Is this a private pension, not his state pension? I'd ask him if he's had a statement from his private pension and if he's planning on drawing that now? Ask him point blank. If he says no I'd tell him you saw the letter poking out of the drawer and know the figures included in it. I think I'd ask him then if he's planning on leaving you. See what he says. You can only go from there. I take it you saw the name of the pension company?