Husband beat me up. Help and advice please

[unmumsyma1]

My husband and I went out on the weekend had a few drinks
Got home had an argument that he started over nothing and he beat me.
Threw me on the floor kicked me, strangled me and smashed my face into the wall and made my nose bleed.

I tried to call the police and my friends but he took my phone so I just went to bed and sobbed and fell asleep

I've ignored him since he is still in the house I don't know what to do... he's saying he remembers nothing and he's cried when he has saw my bruises and cuts and ripped out hair.

I know he has to go I can't even look at him or speak to him or even have the energy to tell him to get out I haven't slept hardly since it happened. My body is black and blue

I'm too ashamed to tell my family or anyone that I've just not done anything and lied about why I called them at that hour, I've just been going to work and carrying on caring for my 2 boys like normal.. (they where not in the house) I feel like I'm in a dream just like I'm just functioning but not really here.

I can't process what has happened at all

What do I do now
I am literally just surviving for my kids and in some kind of limbo I need to snap out of

I'm assuming he's so horrified by what he's done he's applied for anger management courses and contacted AA to sort out his drink issues? No? I somehow bet not, so he's not that sorry is he. And even if he has, he still needs to leave until he's sorted himself out and you've decided on what you want to do next. Also, it is indeed convenient that although he "lost control", he managed to not leave bruises that show when you're dressed 🙄

Please please report this, you can tell your family its not too late they will understand. You can't not do anything as it will probably happen again and be even worse x

Make sure you tell the doc exactly what happened, no falling down the stairs stories OP this needs documented properly. I've been where you are, it's not easy blowing your life up, feeling like you're the one pushing the button on changing your children's family life forever. That button has already been pushed by the piece of shit that beat you blue, you're the one saving their lives. I still feel like I'm being mean reporting him sometimes, but he does need stopped so i need to remind myself I'm being too nice, so much nicer than he deserves. Do not believe a word of his remorse, he's sorry for himself because he no doubt knows how strong you really are and you're not going to accept this. Don't worry about social services, my husband was abhorrent to my children directly and I had to beg them to come and help. You'll be so far off their radar as the kids weren't directly affected. Just please don't lie down to this, he is a piece of shit and deserves all he gets.

So glad you are going to see your mum. We're all thinking of you today, let us know how you get on if you feel like chatting later.

Yes. Please call the police and when he is arrested ask for a non mol order.

Non fatal Strangulation was made a specific criminal offence a couple of years ago (as in under its own name rather than under assault etc) because it is so dangerous and such a red flag. It’s not just about causing injury, they do it to control and cause fear. It carries up to 5 years imprisonment.

This will not be the last time he does this, but you already know that. We are all on your side and here for you xx

Victims of domestic abuse suffer an average of 35 violent incidents before they finally contact the police. I say this so that you realise that you are not alone in finding it difficult to act. Most victims also find it difficult to tell family and friends, which thus gives the abuser the confidence to do it again. The reason victims eventually go to the police is because the violence escalates and they realise that the abuse is never going to stop. It is part of the abuse that you feel ashamed. There are so many people around us suffering abuse in silence. Please don’t let you and your children be part of this .

This is your best chance of getting away from him. Drop the kids at school and nursery and when you do, speak to the head of each and let them know to keep the children safe there and not to let them be picked up by anyone else but you and someone you trust. Tell them you are going to the GP today due to your injuries and will be reporting him to the police. Don't worry about your possessions at home for now. Please, please get yourself and kids out and safe.

Better to put the kids through this than through them watching him attack you, or worse.

Get yourself to the GP or the walk in centre about those ribs. They need checking out - you need an xray to ensure they're just bruised/broken not sticking in your lungs. That will be your starting point for help.

No advice but I'm thinking of you and sending love

So sorry this has happened to you, OP. Great advice upthread, and I really hope you are able to take it.

Feeling ashamed in this situation is quite normal, but you have nothing to be ashamed about. He's the one who should be ashamed, for being a violent, abusive bastard. You haven't done anything wrong.

But please take steps to get help. You need to do this, for the sake of your kids, as well as for your own sake.

You need to see a doctor about your ribs. Tell them the truth, you need this documented.

Shock and dissociation are natural but the violence will be in front of the children, then it may be the children. Suppose your son tries to intervene and he kills him, could you live with that? Could your children cope with seeing their mum beaten and maybe killed in front of them?

You need to get your children away from this. If it's too hard to do it for yourself do it for them.

.

I was one of your children in this situation. We hated what our dad did to our mum. She had nowhere to go it was in the 60s. She would get the police. Police would come and check that we were okay. In those days police did nothing to the man it was a domestic. Mum couldn’t get away for years. Did it affect us? YES We used to make little plans like leaving our roller skates on the stairs hoping he would fall and die.
Please tell your mum. Tell your doctor. Get help for your children if not for you.

OP, please, please talk to your Mum when you see her. Then, see the GP and then contact the police.

Once you've taken these steps, you'll be able to breathe. Remember, the last 7 years are now irrelevant because there is no coming back from this.

Please, please be kind to yourself and look out for yourself as you would for a friend, sister, or your own child.

I work with a lot of victims of DV, I'm the 5ft, nothing person that walks into Court and gets a non-mol for my clients. The men (and it is primarily men) that commit these acts do not change, or ever go back to the person you thought they were before the incident. I've seen first hand the abuse and then the love bombing to try and make you doubt yourself or think about all you've built together and how it's so out of character. It isn't out of character. It's been there all along. The switch just hadn't flipped. Now it has, there is no going back.

There is so much kindness and support waiting for you. You can do this.

Please, please, please don't think you're alone in this. You have so much power in you, tap into it.

Hi I am a serving prison officer. Out of a population of 800 we have at least 50 , that I could name that are in for killing their partners. Please get out....today. Best wishes and good luck x

This is heartbreaking OP. What a fucking monster. Please do tell your mum today and go to the police together. Best of luck.

Oh, and the SS question, what you have to be mindful of is that SS will want to see that you have mitigated the risk of the children being exposed to DV after the incident. No, they are not expecting you to act instantly. Many women go into that autopilot state. It's a coping mechanism when the truth of what's happened to you is too traumatic and painful to address. It's your minds way of protecting itself.

But as the days go on, from Cafcass and SS's perspective, there is a duty on you to ensure you take steps to safeguard your children. This means reporting him and getting support for yourself while ensuring that the children are not at risk. At the moment, they are seen as at risk.

Good luck today OP, you are doing the right thing reporting and reaching out for support.

Those bags of common shit ALWAYS say ''oh, I can't remember''. They bloody well can.

To be honest, I wouldn't bother going to the ''police'', they're absolutely useless and never believe the women victims, they'll accuse you of making it all up while they worship your hubby.

Try to get help from women's aid and some authority with the kids.

Best of luck, and dump and kick out that scumbag as soon as you can.

TERRIBLE advice.

You will be believed. Please don't listen to this type of nonsense.

The police will help and support you with this.

I feel physically sick and weak reading your comments OP. Please get away from this monster. Please call the police. The more people that report this the better safeguards there are for future women this happens to.

There is no forgiving this no matter how "nice" he is now he will turn again eventually once you forgive him.

Just think, how low would your opinion of someone be to ever want to physically harm them like this? You would have to really fucking hate them - that is how he felt about you in this moment. There is no recovering ever. He might even start on your children soon. Please get out

OP you are so strong keeping it together for your kids. I totally understand your shock and your desire to protect them. I was a victim of abuse too and felt exactly the same way. I'm so glad you are going to the Dr and your mum. Keep talking to us on here, we're all in your corner.

You're in shock. Take some pictures of your injuries. Take a deep breath and tell your family. Then together make a report to the police.

It also demonstrates a recklessness to someone else's safety. Because of my past I have at times felt so out of control and raging that I have hit people. Partners a couple of times and one of my children twice. I'm not proud of it, just factual. In fact, I'm really ashamed of it. However, I was never so out of control that I would have done something that might have actually put them in danger. That is a different level. So with the child it was a light slap. With the men it was a slap again but a bit harder on the body, which wouldn't even hurt them really. Not excusing it, whatsoever, and haven't done it in decades, despite the provocation just putting into context how I understand about rage.

Someone who is reckless would be physically putting someone in danger, like punches, which could cause serious damage to anyone if they land in the wrong place or cause you to fall awkwardly. Similarly, strangulation, no matter what the cool fetish girls say, is ALWAYS reckless and dangerous because it COULD lead to serious harm.