Why do narcissists abuse some victims more than others? My ex has a new girlfriend for 3 years and he's not abusive to her.

[Satonthesofa11]

We were together 12 years and he was just awful. It’s like he has had a personality transplant and he is 100% unaffected by what he did to me over those years which has led to a long term illness now from all the stress. In his mind I am to blame, I’ve made it up, he was a hero and took amazing care of me when we were together, it’s delusional.

He started on me very quickly, whenever I challenged his behaviour. Has he just changed or does she manage him better or are they a better fit so he doesn’t need to be abusive?

I used to think this about my abusive ExH. He met and very quickly married someone soon after I kicked him out. They’ve been together over 20 years now (poor woman!) and they seem blissfully happy. I always thought that he must have changed until one of my friends moved into his street and she told me that there’s regularly blazing rows with the police attending and even ambulances on occasion.

Nobody would have guessed what he was doing to me for all those years. Those types are charming af and everyone thinks the sun shines out of them. Just in the same way as you won’t know what’s going on in their house.

They know who to pick darling, they know who is vulnerable to start with.
why are you trying to see things from his perspective, he’s a fucked up individual who enjoys controlling others. You cannot rationalise that. He cannot see blame in himself, for he is perfection and god of his kingdom.

your current thoughts are where madness lies. You may not have lead a blameless life in the relationship, but you were living under extreme stress, like a prey animal constantly on high alert. It’s exhausting

You wouldn't necessarily know if abuse is currently taking place.

well.. those of us who have had abusive relationships are REALLY good at acting in front of others

Your own DD said he shouts at the GF but she doesn't react
They have said its all huggy and kissy, but your DD is too scared to say anything and is on her best behaviour at all times. Remind you of something? the phrase 'walking on eggshells;'. that is what your DD is doing. Poor thing, it's exhausting.

Your ex is still the same person he always was, you just can't see it. Perhaps you were more of a challenge than her, so he had to clamp down harder to control you.

It takes ON AVERAGE 18M - 2 years for the average abuser to show themselves. Triggers can be moving in, getting engaged, having a kid. I believe that these abusers do what they can to get what they want. the thrill of the crush of another soul is what drives them so the pressure is like slow and constant ever increasing crush. They subconsciously know what they are doing, they deploy whatever tactic they need to, to get what they want.
Just be glad you are out of there. Do the bare minimum in terms of supporting the relationship between him and DD, and find a way eventually of weaning her off him. He won't be teaching a good relationship role model and the last thing you want for her is for her to find a partner like her dad.

think long game. be there for her and provide the best home life for her and you that you can.

I'm so glad you are out of that relationship (((HUG)))

@VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji you are right. It’s just such a head fuck hearing how much better this gf gets treated and then remembering all the things he’d say about me when together about not deserving to be treated well. She and him are like one person at the moment, they are “better” than me. So in comparison if they are better I must be the worse side of the coin. If that make sense. He keeps telling our daughter she is him and not me. My side of the family are disgusting etc. which is ridiculous as she both me and him dna wise which is what I tell her. I also tell her she is her and she is an individual person who can be and like and do what she wants (within reason lol).

I should say that we were a good match for each other unfortunately . Being I was kind and caring and saw the best in people and vulnerable. I assume like his current gf. He is a predator

Thanks @MzHz I am out but I do feel I’ve had a lot of damage done, I’ve been out years and still peeling back the onion. He still gets to me because he is just poisonous.

I'm getting the impression op that this man is from a different culture one which is more traditional/ less sophisticated than yours.
This could be part of the reason why he constantly felt the need to pull rank on you, put himself above you etc.
Your more sophisticated and modern outlook on life made him feel inferior but he doesn't have the ability to analyze what's going on so he just 'brute force' tries to dominate you.

@Gloriosaford yes he was from a different culture but his dad also abused his mum physically mentally all of it. He witnessed growing up his mum pacifying his dad. I think he was troubled with it. He didn’t want to be his dad and if you said he was acting like him he’d react instantly…. But he was being like him in that he needed pacifying…I think he is quite damaged.

Mine ended 15-20 years ago and I still catch myself with the terrible thoughts.
Ive recently been diagnosed with complex post traumatic syndrome and am on a waiting list for help for that and my self worth is still on the floor.

however, I can now recognise it’s not healthy to spiral like this. It is not constructive and actually is a little bit like self harm, and ultimately, continues the abuse.
tomorrow is a new day for you and your beautiful girl, speak to womens aid, speak to your doctor. Get some support to get through these thoughts. You need to start to rebuild your foundations, so you can see the phenomenal woman you are and the rock your daughter is going to need to navigate her relationship with her dad.

Mine was EXACTLY the same. It was learnt behaviour from his dad, but he chose to continue it. He saw the damage and chose to continue that cycle. Don’t feel sorry for him, he had choices.

What's going on with the new woman might be a 'golden period', eerything is lovely and he treats her like a princess etc
The purpose of this is to create a strong impression of how lovely things can be, how wonderful he is. She believes that this is his true genuine self but really it's a persona that he can only maintain for a short period when he is highly motivated at the start of the relationship.
When his motivation wanes (because she is now captured and under his spell- the effects of the golden period) and his true colours show through she feels as if she must have done something wrong so she desperately searches for the key to restore him to how he was during the golden period.
(OR she sees through him and drops him)
I'm not suggesting that this is a thought out strategy, he doesn't sound as if he is capable of that. Rather he is operating on instinct

He will be trying very hard to win her over, she is a big catch he wants to conquer her and that desire is strongly motivating.
However, compared to him she will always be significantly more sophisticated together capable and competent. This will make him feel inferior and he is only happy if he feels like he is the boss and has the upper hand. Unable to tolerate being the lesser person he will have to start punishing and denigrating her in order to knock her down so that she is beneath him.
Let's hope she kicks his arse, PDQ

They don't change. They can perhaps mask things more or learn to mimic for longer but fundamentally they don't change because they are incapable of it.

I can remember thinking that my ex was only like that with me until I heard him trying to manipulate and gaslight his own DM.

@Gloriosaford he always used to say to me “you think you are so special don’t you” whenever I raised any concerns or in an argument of his. I used to want to say yes sometimes because you are really nasty.

I agree with PPs that you don't know what's really going on, and that some people are more compliant than others. My abusive ex has been with his new partner for some years and she hasn't left him.

I know things are far from rosy. He hasn't changed at all, but she accepts his behaviour more than I did because I think she's more accepting of being treated like shit, or perhaps she does want to leave and can't find a way out, or because she's seen what it's been like for me and my DC and doesn't want to go through the same thing as she has DC too now.

@Doyoumind I suspect that’s why she was pregnant within months of meeting and during the period he wasn’t seeing his own child (court ordered). She knows what will happen now if she leaves him in the future. Or flip side perhaps he and her are getting along really well and none of it is sinister or trapping or controlling.

I just read if you aren’t on the narcissists side then you are the enemy. So in an argument in a relationship you are the enemy and they can’t see that you are still a person who they love. Like a coin you are either good or bad.

And this is why you need to limit the contact your dc has wherever possible

I know there’s the court orde, but don’t go out of your way to accommodate him in any way. Do the barest of minimum, grey rock and be boring, don’t get drawn into anything, only respond to direct questions about dc. Only if important

box clever. Oh, didn’t see your message… and keep ignoring