Why do narcissists abuse some victims more than others? My ex has a new girlfriend for 3 years and he's not abusive to her.

[Satonthesofa11]

We were together 12 years and he was just awful. It’s like he has had a personality transplant and he is 100% unaffected by what he did to me over those years which has led to a long term illness now from all the stress. In his mind I am to blame, I’ve made it up, he was a hero and took amazing care of me when we were together, it’s delusional.

He started on me very quickly, whenever I challenged his behaviour. Has he just changed or does she manage him better or are they a better fit so he doesn’t need to be abusive?

You want him to be abusive to another woman? For her to suffer as OP has? So OP can feel better while eating popcorn? Nice.

I think a lot of "difficult" people have a very hierarchical view of the world - people they kiss up to, and people they kick down. And their judgement of people has little to do with genuine kindness, honesty, integrity, etc. It's usually very superficial, they kiss up to people who seem very confident, or who dress well, or have money, etc.

I have seen something like this, where the first woman was kind, warm, and devoted to family and friends, and the second was flashy, over confident, and spending his money on luxuries. Take a guess which one he puts down and which one he kisses up to? So silly and foolish of him! Oh and the first one is so happy and content now.

I sympathise if your ex is like this, but it sounds like you are much better off without someone's foolish and cruel behaviour. It's probably not you - just his messed up value system and view of the world. Try not to let it bug you! Focus on your family and friends who are emotionally healthy and who treat you with respect.

I know someone whom I’m pretty sure is a narc and have witnessed his behavior in a couple of relationships. He bullied the partner whom he thought he was intellectually superior to and got away with it as she was a kind-hearted and giving person.

When they split up and he met someone else who was more confident, he was the polar opposite He admired her, I suppose, but I wouldn’t call it love, tbh.

You’ve had a lucky escape, OP, because narcs aren’t really capable of loving anyone.

@TheMushroomFamily I dont read that people are saying I’m in anyway smarter. Its not smart to stay with someone who treats you so badly but that’s the dynamic of abusive relationships. No he isn’t diagnosed formally. But having heard about his past relationships (sadly too late) I would say he has a problem. Drinking, smoking weed, physically abusing previous gf ( happened in another country so I never met them). Intimidating women who he sees as below him, not having empathy for his behaviour ( most people would be ashamed if they threw something at a partner, mine threw something at me at the end that hit our dd, but still was my fault). Getting jealous if I worked with men or spoke the then, silent treatment and rage etc etc. Oh and self harming when another girl left
him. God I wish I knew this b4.

I think @mathanxiety was being sarcastic lol, no one wishes another person to be abused, despite other posters seeming to think I want the gf to suffer what I did.

I know the answer to this. It is because you saw through him and made that obvious. Narcs do not like this at all. She either still looks up to him and flatters him, or isn’t showing him that she sees through him. He is trying to put you down to make himself feel taller.

@Mummadeze yes. He could change at the drop of a hat. Had completely different ways of talking and almost different personalities with different groups of people. Just under the surface he was really nasty, like really nasty. After I left and after he tried saying he felt like taking his life then saying he’d go to therapy and being super nice and me saying I’m not returning the nastiness was off the scale. I’m not sure how others break up but I’m not sure it’s as nasty as someone like this. I couldn’t understand if I was as bad as he said I was why didn’t he leave and why did he want me back every time I did.

Im guess I’m finding it hard to understand given my experience how someone could want to be with this man. But then she is where I was towards the start and she knows what he has told her. He just must be behaving well as he was so so rotten. The way he spoke about people, myself, friends, family and his temper was so easily triggered.

There is no possible war you can know if this is true. People can and do change.

He’s already shouting at his current gf.

Some personalities clash more than others some rub along better with. others

He was awful with you thats all you need to know

@Maddy70 i was just reading another posters thread where some of them are discussing the rescuer and victim-bully dynamic. This sounds a lot like my relationship only I failed to keep up my end (being that I had my own needs and feelings). I guess some people are more able to set aside their needs for their partners. I’ve seen it in relationships in RL where the women seems to have no issue giving up work and relying on the man for everything in return she has to do 100% of the housework and child raising. I pushed back at this with my ex because I was fed up running around him whilst he sat doing nothing. It caused arguments that I wasn’t the kind of wife he sees others are and he got violent because he felt I should want to do it all for him.

I think it’s because they have a different dynamic with new women and those women might play a different role.

Some narcissists find partners who mother them by reinforcing them and their grievances. Those relationships might be happy because of this. Some subsequent partners do believe their crazy alienating ex stories and are very “aww but I’m not like that - I understand you”. There is probably a bit of codependency going on.

It’s interesting watching the dynamic of my ex with his new wife. He gets worked up and angry and she calms him down by patting his hand and gentle hushing him as if she is a man whisperer. Others have noticed them like this too with amusement.
I am glad he met her though because he’d be far worse as an ex.

@WalkingaroundJardine that sounds really interesting. In the beginning I suppose I was happy to help him but then I grew up and didn’t want an angry child as partner I wanted a partner to share life’s ups and downs with. I am not a mother to an adult man. Probably why I really went off being intimate with him, I was very childlike but with a bad temper. Like you say she may feel at home in this dynamic.

Sorry he was very childlike.

@Satonthesofa11 some people genuinely don't mind a temper like this though, if he genuinely is like a temperamental child the he will enjoy relationship with a "bubbly" woman who does not mind his tantrums and calms him down - and in return he may treat her comparatively better than he treated his exs. This is by no means a dynamic most people would like, but whatever works for them...

Thinking about it I know few relationships like this where one side is a massive hothead while the other is so laid back they're practically horizontal

Haha - this made me laugh.

my ex is similar. A complete narcissist and man child. His new girlfriend does the same with him and I think she enjoys the mothering role.

she witnessed his behaviour with me over our kids time with each parent. He behaved like an arse. I was reasonable. But she made excuses for him…that he just gets very upset about these things. ( like he was a toddler 🙄)

@PaintedEgg ive got my own childhood trauma so no I definitely didn’t do well with his temper. I think the first time I saw it was when I cooked something he thought wasn’t good enough for him and he threw the dinner plate at the wall. He’d often say I would be treated better when I deserved or earned it. It’s been hard to get over and to see it as his fault and not because I actually deserved it somehow. I don’t know really about any of it, I find it confusing this dynamic or how someone would not mind being shouted at. I think he actually felt better than me or deserving of better treatment. I can only assume she meets his standard atm.

@Satonthesofa11
darling, I’ve lived a similar life xx
what I can tell you is you do not know what’s going on in their relationship. It may seem all rosey, your getting Facebook glossy glimpses of their life.
if your daughter is walking on egg shells you may need to prepare yourself for some extra support for her, it’s a hard life for her to lead to keep dad happy - and it is abusive towards her, but courts do vary in how they treat it. So, your better off bolstering her self esteem etc - primary’s tend to be really good at getting that help started.

ultimately he is a cancer still eating away at you, he has done his damage and continues to harm you. Get some support to stop allowing him in your head.

lastly, no one is the bad guy in their story, let alone an abusive cunt. He won’t see it, he can’t see it and he won’t apologise to you because he’d have to admit it to himself.

I think he is on an ego trip currently. He’s got all he wants and he continues to put me down and talk about me to our daughter. He fought valiantly in court and won contact over his evil ex (despite it taking years of being denied by a judge) He’s got a gf who is rescuing him and had a baby after a few months and is much younger. He is busy convincing our daughter she is from his family and not mine because she looks like him and because my family is disgusting. He’s having his cake definitely.

I’m guessing all the blame and the guilt and the shame and the downfall of the relationship is left to me and he’s literally cut it off and moved on with none of it because he is incapable of playing no part and of having no fault. Until it starts again then someone will need to take the blame. I am glad I’m not part of it but it’s hard to shake the blame when he has taken absolutely no responsibility for his behaviour.

He won’t take responsibility, he can’t.

don’t you dare take responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship. You did a fucking amazing job getting out and your daughter away from him.

You fucking rock!!!

I mean this kindly, you sound like you need some real help to get your head round what has happened. Have you spoken to womens aid? None of what your posting sounds like a healthy mental state to be in. You’re blaming yourself for his abuse, you’re blaming yourself for the end of an abusive relationship and your talking as if you don’t deserve your daughter and she would be better in their care

you cannot control what happens in his house, but you can in yours.

Why the fuck do you feel shame for getting out of an abusive relationship?

christ woman, shout it from the roof tops. You’re an absolute legend and an incredibly powerful woman. That’s true role model behaviour for your daughter.

@VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji some really awful things happened that I carried the blame for for 12 years. It’s hard to stop the feeling. I am talking about it from his point of view though. He walks away Scott free and I’m left having to need therapy to sort the mess. He literally shuts down those years and switches to charming loved up nothing wrong with me in an instant. I don’t take the blame but I have wondered if I was part of the problem. But then I just tell myself that he didn’t think he should treat me better and that’s his fault not because I’m not worthy. The right people will like me and not try and change me. I should have listened to myself instead of twisting myself into a person I wasn’t just to get better treatment.

This
👏well done op, now live your best life 💐

I suppose these men need to push someone down to look taller and it’s still me via our daughter. He’s just bloody awful. I get the feeling that when he felt low in the relationship he pushed me down so he could look taller in comparison to someone. Only the lower I got the less I could meet his needs so the more I got pushed down until I was so far down leaving was life or death.

it's more than just being shouted at, is it? Besides, you did stay after it, and the same can be true of his new partner - she may not enjoy it, but endures it