Why do narcissists abuse some victims more than others? My ex has a new girlfriend for 3 years and he's not abusive to her.

[Satonthesofa11]

We were together 12 years and he was just awful. It’s like he has had a personality transplant and he is 100% unaffected by what he did to me over those years which has led to a long term illness now from all the stress. In his mind I am to blame, I’ve made it up, he was a hero and took amazing care of me when we were together, it’s delusional.

He started on me very quickly, whenever I challenged his behaviour. Has he just changed or does she manage him better or are they a better fit so he doesn’t need to be abusive?

I would though be speaking to your daughter's father in that role though, OP. Not about his relationship which is nothing to do with you or your daughter - but about hers with her father.

You need to make him a much smaller figure in your life, limited to the logistics of sharing a child. Waiting for a moment when he will redeem himself by apologizing and explaining himself so that you and your feelings are vindicated or, alternatively, waiting for this other woman to wither to a shell - so you can comfort yourself that he is irredeemably and observably bad, is going to drive you nuts.

Maybe she is a narcissist as well? Two narcissists of the same type (somatic, cerebral, inverted, etc.) cannot maintain a relationship, but when there are two different types coming together (classic + somatic, cerebral + adaptive) they actually can tick along quite nicely.

That she is still with him after 3 years says nothing about him being less abusive given that you stuck it out for 12 years. Were you shouting about it from the rafters during that time, or keeping it hidden as she probably is?
It's all very well to say you don't believe men should do x, y, z. No they shouldn't, but there are always going to be men in life who do, they exist, it's a fact of life. The trick is not to waste time trying to change what won't, but vote with your feet and only stay with someone who treats you well.

@Satonthesofa11 you will probably never get to the bottom of why it ended the way it did. He thinks you were a burden and that he lost out on things because of you, you think that he did not care for your feelings and was abusive

it sounds like it was a toxic relationship of two exceptionally ill matched people where neither needs were met and you were both frustrated

even now you seek to confirm he is either as awful to his girlfriend or that there is something wrong with her that she is not bothered by shouting - maybe she's really not? maybe she's a hothead too? maybe he builds her up as much as she builds him up because they have similar values (ones that you see as superficial and are cery critical of).

in fact, you come across just as angry and bitter as him, the main (and VERY important) difference being you have a good sense to not say anything to your daughter, while he shoots his own foot by talking about you

Maybe she's a full on psychopath who's got his number and will teach him a lesson?

So he hasn’t changed. He’s abusing his daughter and possibly his girlfriend. It may be different but it’s still abuse.

He sounds like a man who is unhappy with himself. Requiring fancy items to make himself look good. Gifts for show. Blaming others for his unhappiness.

Is He insecure? A bitter person? , has an inferiority complex issue? Unable to create happiness from within? Likes to blame others? It’s hard to see the wood from the trees after an abusive relationship.

So I would focus all my attention on ensuring my daughter doesn’t pick a man like him. Watch Brene Brown on you tube. Read the subtle art of not giving a fuck. Read and practice daily ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’.
Meditate with your child. Teach them about all feelings - so anger where is that coming from. How does your body feel anger. Does her throat tighten, does her stomach hurt. Happiness where is it in your body. How it’s okay to show feelings to you. Educate your child. describe people pleasing. Watch you tube ted talks. Let her read ‘why does he do that’ when you think she can handle it. Educate her far more than you think you ever need to. Get her into a variety of hobbies to increase her confidence. Work on you too. Live a good life. Learn what makes you tick. Enjoy you and treat yourself like you would your very best friend. Talk nicely to yourself.

Your description suggests he is still abusive.

incompatability doesn’t make you abusive. Even if we accept he hit someone in the heat of the moment a non abusive person would calm down and get help as they would be unhappy at who they had become. They would end the relationship if they couldn’t handle being an abuser. They certainly wouldn’t choose to put themselves in a position where they break the law/their own values again.

@PaintedEgg ill matched or not he threw things at me and pinned me to the wall. I wanted to leave on several occasions but I went back because he said he felt like taking his life or he went and drank and got picked up by the police and he came back. Does being ill matched really make you treat another so badly?

What I struggle with (I know his behaviour was abusive) but why does he seem to have completely forgotten. He moved on and met a girl (same gf) she is much younger, about 12 years then him and was pregnant within 6 months. How did he not feel like he needed to get over what happened. He did and admits to shouting and throwing and threatened my life on several occasions. How can he just say I was a burden so I caused it all.

no, but you were not the source of his aggression or his drinking, he clearly has issues that have nothing to do with you or your relationship . This guy sounds like a definition of an insecure asshole with low self esteem who tries to hide it behind appearances (or silence it with a drink).

You need to let go of the idea that you did something for him to throw things at you.

Two things can be true at the same time

One that he has issues and can turn into a violent drunk, and another that you were not well matched - and those two things don't need to be related.

That's why he is still angry, still shouts, still projects - that's him.

But his new relationship can be better and he may be better suited to his new girlfriend.

it's not all or nothing

because he didn't forget, just does not care beyond feeling angry at the perceived injustice, but you will drive yourself insane trying to get him to apologise

besides, once again, two things being true at the same time - he may both believe that what he did to you was wrong while also believing you were a burden

@PaintedEgg so are you saying he was an abuser and we weren’t well matched. But who is well matched to an abuser?

He also did some terrible things to his previous gf. One gf did cheat on him so he beat her and the other man.

That’s shocking. Did you know about this before you had a child with him? @Satonthesofa11

@Usernamen no unfortunately.

Most likely he projects what he wants to be the truth onto any situation (ie whatever paints him in the best light)
He no doubt is not given to reflection introspection or self-awareness and so is unable to see what a twit is.

I think you need to stop dwelling on the past and move on with your life. Why do you care what he’s like with his current gf?

I don't think that you have enough information to conclude that he is not abusive to her.

@PaintedEgg but he doesn’t believe anything he has done was wrong and most of it he Denys altogether. He was found guilty in court of abuse only because there was evidence, the rest he denied but they didn’t believe him. He told the judge I either deserved it or I made him do it or he didn’t do anything. He never said we were just a bad match and he was sorry for his part.

this is probably the nastiest part (in my opinion) - sometimes abuse does happen in a specific situation. So he may have thrown things at you, but will never throw things at her. He absolutely has a potential to do it, don't get me wrong, but he simply may never end up doing it

if you want to hear that yes, it was all him, now he abuses her to - fine, but will it help you sleep any better?

focus on your life now, not on what he does - if he continues to be abusive it will bite him eventually. Will you feel better then?

there you go, he said it himself - he thinks it was deserved

im guessing he has a massive victim complex, doesn't he?

Nobody wants to be the bad guy in their story.

The prisons are full of innocent people (according to the prisoners anyway). He’s just another criminal.

Read the book ‘women who love too much’. Sorry I’ve thrown a few recommendations at you.

Honestly work on yourself. He’s a common garden abuser. Thank your lucky stars you escaped. Now work on your recovery. You deserve to be happy - work on you.

@Satonthesofa11

How 🤔 do you know that his new girlfriend is not putting up a false facade to outsiders like yourself to prove to others everything is OK,
"It's us against the world typical mentality that your shitty ex partner is fostering encouraging,
when something is off, not quite right vibes about this new relationship of his,
essentially she could be very well be indeed indenial
Sometimes it can be a case of nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors yet,
in the future
I wouldn't be susprised if it's different in the future,

emotionally psychologically abusive men like he is
rarely change in reality
Unless its something major happened to them like a major life threatening disease health issue of some kind ect..

You're struggling to understand him because you are imagining that he has typical thought processes. But he clearly doesn't. He has a fluid approach to the truth and he obviously thinks that if he feels justified, then whatever action he took was acceptable. He's wrong. He has damaged and/or underdeveloped thought processes, and clearly struggles with empathy for other people.

He's not going to apologise or have any honest insight into his behaviour unless he does some serious self improvement probably involving therapy and lots of hard work.

Every time you catch yourself trying to explain or justify his behaviour, remind yourself that he behaved and behaves the way he does because he is damaged. That's it, that's all it is.

The absolute most important thing is to protect your DD from his disordered thinking eg the grey rock technique and so on. And making sure she knows she can talk to you about anything he says or does that upsets her. Your task then is to explain that what he says is what he feels, but these are the actual facts of the matter and let her realise that he isn't telling the truth about many many things.

@PaintedEgg so what you are saying is that she may never trigger him by never going against what he says and always being agreeable? In that sense yeah we weren’t compatible because I thought shouting was wrong in a relationship and I wanted to stand by my own opinion. For example be lost a job by shouting at young girl so badly he got fired. He said he was too high up to be asked to tidy up by the young girl left in charge so she deserved it, I said that was unacceptable behaviour….then got shouted and sworn at and ignored for days? If I’d been more agreeable I would definitely have no been treated like that I’m sure.

Maybe he's just met his match. My ex is a narcissist, and his wife is absolutely the same. They've teamed up to become super cunts towards me, but I can't control what they do, only how I react. Or don't in my case as that's what they want. Together they'll enjoy provoking you.