Why do narcissists abuse some victims more than others? My ex has a new girlfriend for 3 years and he's not abusive to her.

[Satonthesofa11]

We were together 12 years and he was just awful. It’s like he has had a personality transplant and he is 100% unaffected by what he did to me over those years which has led to a long term illness now from all the stress. In his mind I am to blame, I’ve made it up, he was a hero and took amazing care of me when we were together, it’s delusional.

He started on me very quickly, whenever I challenged his behaviour. Has he just changed or does she manage him better or are they a better fit so he doesn’t need to be abusive?

no, I am not saying that

he may simply just never do it. Yes, he pinned you against the wall but he did not beat you up like he did his other ex - should she think you had a better deal?

He may have learned from his mistakes, not in a normal way of "I've done bad things, i need to stop harming people" but in a "shit things happen to me when I do this" kind of way

He learned a lesson - being an ass has cost him his relationship with you and led to (in his eyes) financial losses. Any selfish, self-serving individual would try and avoid this pitfall in the future if they can help it

Bless you. He is going to always say things like that. And in an ideal world you wouldn't have to deal with him. Have you got any support around you? Do you have access to any form of counselling?

For as long as he knows it impacts you he will keep doing it. It is a form of control from a distance. The only thing you can do in this situation is work on how you respond to it, and how you feel about it, and work with your child to address any potential cognitive dissonance they may be experiencing. It is the hardest thing to do but switch off from it, and stay utterly factual when talking to your DC. If you keep letting yourself be dragged into his drama he will always make you feel like you were never good enough. Classic narcisstic behaviour and a very lonely experience for you.

Ah ok @PaintedEgg so he’s still an asshole but has learned to hold back the behaviours.

So why are you so bothered about how he treat the 'new as of 3 years' GF?

Just crack on and live your best life! That'll bother him more.

pretty much, and not even that well since he can't stop himself from badmouthing you

you'll see how long it will last, but my bet is that rather than turning the same level of abusive his neurotic personality will eventually grind gears of his "bubbly" girlfriend and she will leave him anyway

You're struggling to understand him because you are imagining that he has typical thought processes. But he clearly doesn't. He has a fluid approach to the truth and he obviously thinks that if he feels justified, then whatever action he took was acceptable. He's wrong. He has damaged and/or underdeveloped thought processes, and clearly struggles with empathy for other people
I think this from @fedupandstuck explains it very well!
He's an eejit with his head wedged up his own arse OP, you are well rid.

@PaintedEgg I think I understand. I was in a different period in life. Young recently graduated, no money, no support and no power really. She has her own home, family support and more power than me. I had much more to loose when I walked, she can walk and be financially fine. I was I easier to abuse and he knew I was trapped with him. He’s an awful person.

Your not with him any more be grateful you're not.
Let him get one with what ever and you do the same he`s not your problem anymore.

@fedupandstuck I re read what you wrote and that makes a lot of sense, especially the part about being justified. He felt justified to behave the way he did because he truly believes that I made him react the way he did. He believes I was a burden so was justified to keep putting me down and I wasn’t worth talking nicely to. When he tells our daughter what he does in his world his story is right. I struggle to understand though if he feels justified then he should say yeah I shouted etc but she deserved it. He clearly knows that behaviour won’t get him new fans. So he knows enough to know it won’t draw people to him but in the moment he’s ok to act like it.

So basically if you don’t trigger that feeling in him then you are ok. Don’t be a burden, don’t have a different opinion, don’t talk back and always big him up.

100% agree with this - have been there, including paying for private therapy for my daughter. Ex is getting married again this year and has had another child with her. I went through a stage of feeling like I needed to warn her off but am staying out of it - her problem.

I get why you think like this. XH recently got engaged. All I really feel for her is sympathy. I assume the mask must be slipping at times but she’s seen nothing like the full extent of his behaviours because they’ve been together for a couple of years. It took me years to see him for who he really is. She’s quite vulnerable (financially, they’d both only been separated from long marriages a short time when they got together) and honestly she probably thinks she’s hit the jackpot - he’s got a good job, good wages, had enough out of our settlement to buy a house. It’ll come at a price.
I just try to focus on DD’s wellbeing. I try to be quite neutral about her Dad (not bigging him up because I don’t want to gaslight her) but not projecting my trauma on to her. I’m waiting for some talking therapy for both of us.

If he's like that when your child is present, it makes me wonder whether it is a lot worse when your child isn't there...

Decent people wouldn't want that but some people have a power complex which is often built on feeling inferior so they bully and subjugate their partner into feeling afraid so that they won't leave them. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Or they are just thoroughly nasty and sadistic and like to see others afraid of them.

Sounds very complicated to get your head around I’m definitely struggling to really understand. All I understand is that you either on his side, projecting out the image he wants or you are against him and he hates you. I know that changed constantly. Anything you achieve is because of him, anything bad has nothing to do with him. I am glad I’m free of that. I’m also glad that his new gf is kind to our daughter.

How old is your daughter?
The way your daughter describes them kissing a lot, being loved up to me sounds like he's putting on a show for her (DD) to 'prove' that he's capable of a good relationship, and therefore the failure of your relationship was your fault. However, in my opinion the flaunting it, kissing etc in front of your daughter is just that, a show, and not really appropriate or normal (when my father had a new wife / GF, I never saw him kiss her, because that's going to be hurtful to us, the children from his former relationship. He understood that our feelings were important too, and how conflicted we would be). It's quite possible the GF is uncomfortable with this, but puts up with it to avoid any confrontation.

Try to minimise how much contact you have with him, make sure your daughter feels able to talk to you about anything, so if he does get nasty with her, she knows you've got her back. Try to keep him out of your head as much as you can.

Perhaps she does stand her ground- that’s why I said ‘probably’ and ‘might’, but why would you want to ‘cope’ with that kind of behaviour?

I’m not reducing her- just pointing out that she may have different standards/poorer boundaries. It happens. You only have to look at some of the shit people put up with on here that others don’t.

I get what you meant. My boundaries were pretty poor myself but I knew shouting was wrong. My parents didn’t shout! Perhaps her parents did so it’s normal.

OP, I'm pretty sure you've posted at least once before recently about this. I know it's very hard to process but you are not going to get any better answers. He is NOT a better man with her. You were with him for 12 years.... she's only been with him for 3. They may well still be in the loved up phase where his wants and needs match hers. Particularly if he got her pregnant very quickly and so she's in that phase of just getting on with being a mother and stepmother. if he was this bad from day 1, you probably wouldn't have stayed with him for 12 years. It builds up slowly, often as things change. Some women might fight back quicker or harder, others might take longer to realise how small he's made their lives.

Either way, you need to stop seeing any of it as YOUR fault. It's not your fault. HE was the one who abused YOU. Given the chance and opportunity, he WILl abuse other people (if he's not already).

So he is abusing her then...

he is, but this is also an answer to your question - people like him abuse those they think they can

he thought you'd never leave so he allowed himself to treat you badly, he thought he was too important to be fired so he abused a younger employee

then you left and his job fired him - that taught him a lesson, not to be a better person, but to hide his impulses better until he thinks he has an advantage over someone, then he will go back to his normal abusive ways

Three years?

I think you should order in some popcorn and pull up a comfy chair. It won't be long before she falls from the pedestal.

“My ex has a new girlfriend for 3 years and he's not abusive to her.”

How do you know he’s not?

I can relate to the dynamics of this situation. After I left him an ex of mine got with a woman who had her life together much more than I did.
He was in 'please & placate' mode for quite a long time, he saw her as a big catch compared to me, and she was! I was shocked when I learned about her, but also VERY relieved as I knew she would get him off my back.
Eventually he fucked up & his true colours came through, she threw him out & his life spiraled out of control, he has been a wreck ever since.

I would say that his 'conquering'/domination & control of you has made him over confident. He thinks/feels that if he plays it right he can turn this new women into his subordinate.
He's not able to see, much less admit, his own weaknesses so lets hope she does your dirty work for you and makes (metaphorical) mincemeat of him.
Please note @Satonthesofa11 I dont mean to disparage you or imply that you are less than his new woman!

Why are people making out the op is some how better and smarter than this woman for getting rid of him when she was with him for 12 years and had a child with him? This woman has only been with him a quarter of that time and he must have been nice to begin with to the op for her to have his child, I agree with another poster sometimes people just bring out the worst in each other and they are different with different partners, I’m guessing he isn’t diagnosed as a narcissist and that’s just your opinion of him since everyone’s ex is now a ‘narcissist’