Why do narcissists abuse some victims more than others? My ex has a new girlfriend for 3 years and he's not abusive to her.

[Satonthesofa11]

We were together 12 years and he was just awful. It’s like he has had a personality transplant and he is 100% unaffected by what he did to me over those years which has led to a long term illness now from all the stress. In his mind I am to blame, I’ve made it up, he was a hero and took amazing care of me when we were together, it’s delusional.

He started on me very quickly, whenever I challenged his behaviour. Has he just changed or does she manage him better or are they a better fit so he doesn’t need to be abusive?

@PersephonePomegranate23 I don’t think it’s a good thing to not be able to voice an opinion without getting shouted at. I don’t think it’s a positive quality for a women to accept being shouted at by a man.

You just don't see what goes on. I'm sure people were surprised that he had been so abusive to you. That's certainly how it played out with my narc ex. In his subsequent pairings there were no children to be responsible for or any demands in that way so more opportunities to glory hunt and shine. I'm just so glad I no longer have to live in the hell or worry about his horrible ego hurting anyone I love. Good riddance.

He used to call me a burden. But it was his behaviour and how I became a shell of a person that made me like one. He disregarded my feelings and made it all about him. I’m thinking perhaps she is not a burden to him. I can’t help but carry this feeling around for years now. But then if I was such a burden why did he not leave and I was the one to go because I wanted him to be rid of me as a burden at that point as I believed I was one.

I suppose to a person more narcissistic having issues and needs it burdensome to them.

I will go against grain here and say that not every asshole has a personality disorder...and people do change if they want to. Not for the new person, but if they analyse how they have messed up before they may not do it again in new relationships

and it may well be that they are a better personality match - it does not mean there is something wrong with you or with her, just that she is better suited to his ways than you were

@PaintedEgg in that instance I’m happy to accept my fault and I can say I could have done this and that better. If he had realised that his behaviour was not conducive to a great relationship why does he spent every other weekend telling our daughter how he is a hero and I’m a monster. What not just say we weren’t suited. How can he excuse pinning me against walls and throwing stuff or completely denying. I don’t get why he discussing out relationship and telling and untrue story, what not say nothing.

Once a narc, always a narc. It's who a person is. You cannot possibly know what goes on in their relationship. But someone who would say extreme stuff like that doesn't just stop, it's who they are.

She could look you in the eye and tell you he's an absolute gem but it wouldn't mean anything. One, because you know he isn't, and two, because you're not in their relationship.
Stop looking backwards, start looking forwards and enjoy your life and freedom without his emotional abuse. And be prepared in future to drop a guy if he starts the same stuff.

Why not own up to the gf and dd and say yeah I was wrong and I did some bad things to my ex wife (your mum) and I’m to blame for my own behaviour. I have realised this and changed. That’s honest. He also did some terrible things to his previous gf. One gf did cheat on him so he beat her and the other man.

Because he has zero self awareness or decency. There's no great mystery that you're missing - he's just a violent, unstable arsehole.

@Satonthesofa11 there is no "your fault" and him being better to his current partner does not change his feelings about you

besides people can change...but not that much. He is still a show-off, he still shouts and he probably still holds a lot of resentment towards you which is his problem, not yours. He is clearly trying to change the narrative and force his versions of events into reality

But he can't change the past, he can't fix things he did and projecting this anger onto you is clearly not helping him.

But leave him to it, you live rent free in his head anyway. Enjoy your life without him!

for the same reason why be needs to buy the most expensive gift when he can't afford one - appearances and the potential damage to the mental image he holds of himself

If he's shouting at his current partner in front of your DD then he is still abusive. The fact she's resigned to it doesn't mean its not abuse. Also you don't know the extent of what's going on. My DSS would tell me that his stepdad would be mean or shouted at him / mum sometimes. We suspected abuse but didn't have sufficient evidence. The extent of the abuse became clear in the police investigation. A child is often not articulate enough to describe abuse or the extent of it.

It's an unpopular opinion but I do believe that some people bring out the worst in each other. With different partners they are just different.

Because he's a Narcissistic. In his head he believes his lies

Trust me it will change. My DM took 10 years plus to show her stripes to a close family member after I went VLC with her. But they can't maintain it forever.

Try and work through why he can still get under your skin. That is the bit you should be focusing on. You certainly shouldn't be questioning whether or not there was something different about you that meant he was more/less narcisstic. They are what they are.

@drumbeats I do believe that. I had my own issues and needs and he needed someone who didn’t have any and focus on him and project the image out that he wanted. I made him need to abuse me.

@Thingamebobwotsit he keeps saying I was a burden and brought him down and made his life less to our daughter.

Satonthesofa11 · Today 12:04

"why does he spent every other weekend telling our daughter how he is a hero and I’m a monster."

And how do you react to this?

Does your daughter tell you all this by herself or do you poke her for information?

It seems that you both using your daughter as means to get back at each other and are not ready to let go.

My ex was controlling and coercive and I'm sure he hasn't changed with his new DP of 4 years. She seems nice and sweet and has a young daughter. She seems prime material for his subtle control that escalates slowly (classic boiled frog) and might even be taking longer to get his claws in than with me because i didn't stand for it (although I still stayed too long).

He would complain that I read mumsnet during arguments so he knew what he was doing and still blamed me for being brainwashed!

You read enough threads on here of women stuck in relationships for years with abusive men, and when kids are in the mix it's harder to leave.

Our relationship was shorter than theirs but I was completely love bombed and it took me years to get over him and even recognise the abuse. Oh he had a terrible childhood, he's insecure and that's why he's jealous, doesn't like me going out etc. But strangely, all his friends think he's awesome and he was the ultimate nice guy when we were out, and completely different at home. Like jekyll and Hyde just by stepping through the front door.

I don't think they change. They might learn to hide it better, or choose a better victim that won't argue back as easily, but they don't change.

I don't believe they make any meaningful change.

Here..

You are not ready to let go.

@IalsoWantToHaveSex she sometimes
comes home upset and she tells me that he’s been talking again but she is too scared to tell him that it makes her sad and not to. I don’t poke because she has enough to deal with. Or she will say daddy said that he paid for all the house and you took it off him. Etc etc

OP no you didn't make him abuse you.

He abused you because he could get away with it.

Why? Because you were incompatible with one another.

People throw around terms like 'narcissist' all the time now and it's losing impact because everybody could presumably have that label slapped on them. Annoying.

You don't know what goes on in your ex's relationship and nor should you. You got away from him and that was the right decision for you. Trying to identify why this happened with you and not with her is really pointless because you are two entirely separate people.

Compatibility plays a huge part and also, when a relationship fails, people with sense and intelligence change parts of themselves, their views, etc.

Your relationship with this man didn't work; there is zero value in overthinking it and comparing what his relationship is like now and why; it's absolutely none of your business.

Jesus wept. Listen to yourself. You really need to get some therapy and stop letting this waste of space invade your head. You might as well still be living with him.
And I'd be minimising as much contact as possible with your mutual child.

He's either biding his time or he's as shitty to her as he was to you but like all narcissists is putting on a show in front of your child.

That said, some people are more robust than others and are capable of handling a narcissistic gobshite without becoming unwell. They just don't care about the guilt trips, the snide comments and the rest of it and can emotionally detach. You need to find a way to get there, or at least some of the way.