Why do narcissists abuse some victims more than others? My ex has a new girlfriend for 3 years and he's not abusive to her.

[Satonthesofa11]

We were together 12 years and he was just awful. It’s like he has had a personality transplant and he is 100% unaffected by what he did to me over those years which has led to a long term illness now from all the stress. In his mind I am to blame, I’ve made it up, he was a hero and took amazing care of me when we were together, it’s delusional.

He started on me very quickly, whenever I challenged his behaviour. Has he just changed or does she manage him better or are they a better fit so he doesn’t need to be abusive?

He has not changed, he’s merely further buttering up his current target by wearing her down too. He’s biding his time with her.

No one can say. People will say you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors and he’s probably awful to her too but it’s a fact that people do behave differently in different relationships. You’d presumably not want another woman to suffer so hope he really is nicer to her.

Do you share children? If not I’d cut him out of your life so you don’t have to see new reminders of him.

They’ve been together 3 years. That’s not “new”.

Doesn’t matter. He has not changed.

Leopards don’t change their spots. Give him time. He has not changed. The mask will slip with her sooner or later. Trust me.

I agree with @AnneLovesGilbertAnneLovesGilbert. Different relationships bring out different behaviours. After 3 years you shouldn't be caring about this though

You would not not if he is abusing her or not unless you are also in their relationship.

It is nothing to do with you, you are not together so move on

We share a child so I do hear about it from our child. DD does say he shouts at the gf but she seems unfazed.

Your child cannot possibly know.

You can't possibly know what goes on the their relationship.
A child won't realise what's happening.

I know we weren’t that well matched. He was very showy, everything had to be the best. We had to be seen as paying for everything when we didn’t have the money. Gifts had to be the best not what suited someone just the most expensive. I am opposite to this so it caused arguments. He used to always say I never made him feel good about himself. I don’t really care if other people think I’m the best. Perhaps she is more like him in that sense.

Some people tolerate more than others and some people won't put up with any shit.

I used to work with a woman who others would cower in fear from. I got on well with her and she never tried to overpower me or put me down perhaps because subconsciously she knew I wouldn't tolerate it.

We all give off a certain vibe and perhaps if you accept one incident of being bullied then it gives them the idea they can do it again and again and again .

Children are not stupid and many certainly know more about their parent’s relationship than they give their kids credit for.

i would reconsider sending your DD into that home environment.

was his access to your daughter arranged informally or via the courts?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat via court. She enjoys going and they take her lots of places. But she does say she is scared to talk back and she is on her best behaviour. Everything is super happy and lots of kissing, this is what she just tells me. The gf is much more bubbly then me.

Poor woman. This makes it sound like he is abusive to her, but she's already used to putting up with it. Who knows how much worse it is when there's no one around to witness it.

My relative was horribly abusive to his first partner but claimed she was crazy and making it all up/over-reacting. He used the fact that his next partner didn't complain about his behaviour as proof of this. In reality he had just chosen a more compliant victim- someone that I eventually found out had a chaotic/abusive childhood and very low self esteem when he met her so she accepted his behaviour/her fault as normal and went along with whatever he said. As his behaviour escalated she eventually saw that it was not OK but it took far longer and she repeatedly took him back as she believed she was partly to blame and it could all be OK if she changed too.

@DrJoanAllenby but why would you want to bully your intimate partner. Wouldn’t that make you feel awful that you threw things and hurt them?

Worrying about what happens in his new relationship is not likely to be serving you. Ir doesn't matter how he is now or ever - you had a relationship, it's over, and you are now free of it. Focus on you and not him - you'll never know exactly how he treats her or why things happened as they did because you were only one person in it. You don't need to know to recover and build a good life for yourself.

I could have written your post OP. was thinking this just the other day.

but give it time. I know people say 3 years is a long time, but my ex was good to me for a couple of years ( even though in hindsight the signs were there)

I think my ex has changed sometimes then hear from my kids about something that makes me realise he’s exactly the same!

She probably is different to you in that her standards are lower. She might be accepting behaviour you didn’t.

Also, your ex is someone who works hard at putting up a facade- as you said, everything had to be the best. He is just showing that facade to you now. His life is the best, his relationship is the best. That is proof that he hasn’t changed.

Well that's hardly treating her like a queen, is it?

Some people are just bullies. If they intimidate someone, they'll continue and escalate, if they don't, they give up most of the time. If he can't bully her, he's probably doing it to someone else in his life.

@PersephonePomegranate23 he talks about me to our child and it’s not nice things. I think I’m the one he still directs it to via her.

She definitely promotes him a lot better, I’m much more shy and like more simple things in life. I think she is his saviour, she saved him from the monster of me.

She probably is different to you in that her standards are lower. She might be accepting behaviour you didn’t.

Or maybe the shouting genuinely doesn't bother her and she stands her ground with him? Who knows?

Why do we have to reduce one woman in an attempt to bolster another? They're different people, no-one knows what truly goes on, people react differently to one another.

@Satonthesofa11 Narcissism is like a personality disorder that makes a person ignore the needs, wants and feelings of others including loved ones. They generally don't understand how their actions and behaviour impact on others.

Your ex has never understood he was abusive to you. His brain doesn't compute that so he sees you as the problem. Now he sees GF and DD are the problem - never him.

He will 100% be abusing the GF and your daughter but in different ways.

You can't help the GF but you can help prep your daughter. Get her some reading on living with a narcissist so she can recognise the behaviours and adapt her responses. Once she understands that what is happening to her, she can grey rock and the harm it can cause will hopefully be lessened.

He won't ever change. He can't and he doesn't even want to so all you can do is recover yourself and prepare you DD so she grows to learn healthy relationships are not what she sees at her Dad's home.