I dont know what to make of DH’s behaviour

[Leilalala]

We are new parents to a 3-month old DS. DH on the whole is a caring and thoughtful person. Always sends birthday/Christmas cards to friends & family, makes a lot of effort on special occasions etc
He has been under some work related stress lately plus the obvious stress relating to being a new father so maybe a bit more cranky/tired/withdrawn than normal.
About a week ago he raised the subject of the upcoming Mothering Sunday (in 2 week’s time from then) and asked what I would like to do. I confirmed that I would really like to spend my first Mother’s Day with him and DS and go for lunch somewhere but also that he should make effort to see his mum and not just drop her just because we’ve had a baby (they always see each other on Mother’s Day). He said he wasn’t going to go see her initially but agreed he would do so in the morning before we do sth together as a family.
Today his dad called him to ‘discuss Sunday’ but DH asked him to call tomorrow. Over dinner I asked DH what they are thinking of doing with his mum (ie coffee/walk) and DH said that he will need to speak to his dad later as he hasn’t decided. I then asked what we are doing (thinking he has arranged this - he is very well organised normally) and he said ‘I don’t know’. I asked if he was going to book us into a restaurant and his response was ‘they will all be booked up by now, so there is no point’. I was shocked by his behaviour (him being quite indifferent and then dismissive about my first Mother’s Day having brought up the subject himself just a week earlier) and suggested that I try to find somewhere. He snapped out of it after that and apologised for his behaviour but I cannot help feeling uneasy about such out- of- character behaviour. It’s like his mask has slipped and this ‘ I can’t be bothered with you’ attitude shone through right then.
Am I overthinking this? Why would he be like this all of the sudden?
He obviously felt guilty as he went upstairs after dinner and when he came back down he said we are all booked in.
I can’t help feeling uncomfortable about tat exchange though.

You had the time to read an entire thread about it and post on it multiple times...

I think you should have high expectations & want it to be special, why not?

It's strange how he reacted, maybe keep an eye on things

going out to a restaurant with a young baby and a stressed husband on Mother's Day has potential for disaster

Incredibly dramatic 😂

DH going out on stag do, friend night out etc - Good for him! Sounds like you possibly need to get out the house too? Without baby - so you can have a bit of time to yourself with a friend or with DH if you can get MIL or your mother to watch baby for a few hours - I feel like if you did this you probably wouldn’t be hyper focusing on this.

He probably just had other things on his mind - as hard as it is for you being with DS 24/7 it’s also extremely hard going back to work & coming back home to baby / tired wife. His life has changed dramatically too.

when he’s not working / you say he “helps out” weekends he’s not working it should be 50/50. Weekdays understand the difference in care %’s.

also sounds like you may just need to spend some time together too when baby is sleeping have a chat watch something together it’s so easy to get so engrossed in baby you forget each other too. Becoming a mom doesn’t mean you stop being a husband & wife. Or get someone to watch baby so you can have some adult time to go for a meal or a walk or whatever together. The baby stage with lack of sleep and one being back at work and other not etc is the hardest stage. It’s not easy for you or him.

He’s got a lot on his plate. Try not to read too much into that. It wasn’t a bad reaction though you might imagine it differently. With all the lack of sleep and general exhaustion, people can’t always be too social. Many times as a young parent I’ve been backing off from being social not because I disrespect people but because I genuinely don’t have the capacity to shower, socialise, go to a restaurant etc. Enjoy your first Mother’s Day, all the best to your family.

Feel how you want to feel you have every right none of us know your husband and I hope you get a lovely treat on Mother’s Day you deserve it being a mum is not easy and I hope your husband showers you with lots of love on the day! Nothing wrong with wanting appreciation on your first Mother’s Day x

I really think you need to give the man a break. I've never marked mother's day since I had my children. It's an honour for me to be a mum to my children, I definitely don't need or want anything to do with some contrived nonsense that my children are emotionally manipulated and blackmailed into taking part in. The last thing I am is a spoiled, needy wife or mother who cares about such a pantomime.

Children do not need to thank their parents or waste a day paying some sort of homage because the card companies and society tell them to.

Motherhood is a privilege, it's not something to be indulged over.

I can't imagine many first-time mothers of my acquaintance who'd want to go out to lunch on Mother's Day with a three-month baby. Actually, I can't imagine wanting to go out on Mother's Day with the rest of the herd, full stop. My sister and many of my friends were at the dazed stage, desperate for a few extra hours' sleep or the chance to have a bath and wash their hair at three months. Perhaps your baby is really easy, but all the same...

You sound as if you have high and fixed expectations and your husband is expected to perform for you. Was he also expected to deliver to your high standards on Valentine's Day last month? Very kind of you to allow him to visit his own mother for an hour or so on the Sunday morning.

All I can say is that enduring love and appreciation don't come in the form of gifts or lunches in crowded restaurants on a given day. They come sporadically and surprisingly over the years in small, unwrapped and unshiny ways. Love isn't performative: nothing kills it quicker than expectation. Cut him some slack and dial down the drama.

"I was shocked by his behaviour" This is really an overreaction!

This! This whole thread is bizarre. I really don't get what the big deal is.

Absolutely! My husband and I rarely even bother with cards and presents for each other and I couldn't give a damn. He is wonderful every single day. What a lot of fuss over nothing!

@cannonlc I 100% agree- I've met very few men who get all fluffy about 'special days' whereas it seems a lot of women put a lot of pressure on themselves to make them all special 'big birthdays' , Mother's Day, enormously expensive hen nights, sometimes multiple ones etc - maybe it's just me- I've never really made a fuss of them- probably because I grew up in a house that didn't either

Maybe he was more annoyed about his Father calling him and feeling torn on Mother's day. First Mothers day is lovely and shouldn't be a stress at all. Don't put too much pressure on it. Just having it acknowledged and having a nice breakfast is good too.

It’s strange how so many people are pushing for you to do what they would rather do on Mother’s Day. Yet it’s clearly unreasonable for you to want to have your own day as you would like it. 🤔

I don’t think you are being needy, nor a princess OP. You are entitled to have some sentimental hopes and plans for your very first Mother’s day with your beautiful DC, it’s a very special milestone. I also think you have been kind and thoughtful in making sure your DH still makes time to see his DM as they always have.

I hope you get the special day you deserve, as you have been doing the lion’s share of childcare. I do feel DH should be doing more to help with baby and home, perhaps he would’ve less likely to be quickly - and conveniently - exhausted, if he were to be going on less lads nights out. He clearly doesn’t know how much more exhausting it is for you. x

‘All the f time’???!!!!!

Which part of any of my posts suggests that we have constant issues like this?

We do go out for lunches and dinners with our DS and have done since he was just a couple weeks old. It’s never been an issue.

We do not celebrate Valentines Day/do cards/presents for it for the very reason many posters on here suggest I shouldn’t want to celebrate Mothering Sunday- it being a marketing ploy more than anything. However, my DH believes Mother’s Day should be celebrated. Just a personal choice and none of it has been imposed by me. In fact DH always stressed to me how important this day is and that we would do something together especially on the first one for me as a mother. A lunch out meaning a couple of hours out of our day, not the whole day.

I really think some of you have missed the point of my original post…
I hoped for some help in understanding the sudden shift in his attitute from positive and encouraging to dismissive and angry.

I really think you are overreacting and reading too much into his words/actions. He looked angry, put his fork down, and crossed his arms? Honestly, what on earth is wrong with any of that? People are not perfect, they are not robots, they have emotions, they sometimes respond irrationally and even unkindly. All of us do. All of us.

I can understand that you were a bit taken aback, as you had discussed hypothetical plans previously. But to jump to the conclusion that "his mask has slipped"? That's a phrase usually indicating that a person's true colours are showing, that he is actually not the kind/decent/wonderful person you thought he was, that there is something sinister lurking beneath an amiable exterior, etc. One moment of slight irritation really does not indicate anything of the sort. If you love and trust him, try not to ascribe negative motivations to a brief interaction.

I agree with you feeling uncomfortable OP. Not sure why everyone else is tearing into you? Trust your instincts.

You know your DH, you read his behaviour and body language as "off".

You didn't demand he spent loads of money on Mother's Day, he brought up the idea initially, you wouldn't have been cross no matter what he said - now he's being aggressive and weird about it.

You've got a decent relationship with your in-laws so that's not the problem.

Seems like gaslighting and a little red flag to me.

Like you're being painted as being "demanding" when you're clearly not?

It being Mother's Day or not is irrelevant, it could be anything.

It's not the lunch or logistics you care about, it's the dynamic.

Hopefully it's just a blip.

But I'd trust your instincts and watch out for any more weird behaviour/blaming you/setting you up.

Firstly, Mother's Day is important and I would want my first one to be special. My DH would definitely make a fuss.

Secondly, I think you should pay attention to your gut.

Often as women we dismiss our instincts as being an overrraction or imagining things.

I am not saying LTB or anything like that... But keep an eye on things.

Someone's "mask slipping" and them becoming someone you don't recognise for a few moments is something I have experienced.

They were their true selves in that flash and I wish I had paid attention to my reaction in that first moment.

Also, a lot of men change after a baby arrives.

I am not trying to scare you, but... Trust yourself 💗

And lastly, mumsnet likes to tear down women who want to be celebrated.
It's a very strange thing that I can't get used to.

You deserve to feel special, valued and appreciated.

It's simply that your husband is busy, tired, and now has competing interests on mother's day.

Maybe he's the sort of man who likes to make the women in his life happy, and he's realised that mothers day is going to be a subpar.

He needs to see his mum. Why can’t you all do something together??

“He has been under some work related stress lately” I would presume it’s this. Coupled with newborn stresses.
I agree your “the mask has slipped” comment sounds dramatic. Like he’s turned into Mr Hyde and pretended to be someone he’s not all these years. It could be he’s just tired. You’re pushing for him to see his mum in the morning, then take you and DD out to lunch, no doubt he’s under pressure to choose thoughtful gifts and cards. You’ve had this conversation two weeks in advance of the day….

Im not a Mother’s Day fan. We basically feel we have to entertain DM and MIL and it has to be an all day event like bloody Christmas Day. We’ve just had Christmas, birthdays last month, now Mother’s Day- no idea what to get them etc. We both work full time and have DD7. To be fair DH does the cooking and the transporting of both. I just have to chit chat, play games etc and it’ll probably be a nice day, I just can’t be arsed.

It's not about competition with the MIL though...

OP suggested husband sees the MIL too that day and clearly gets on with her.

I'd be more worried about husband seeing himself as "seperate and single" and picking fights for no reason, and redefining his family unit as "something he was grudgingly forced into" even though he's been enthusiastic before.

As a single woman, I find married fathers can "try" to start sighing at me

They want to tell me how hard it is looking after their own child, and it's all the needy harridan wife who actually wanted the family and they're "her" babies and she's forcing him to do couple stuff theres always a fucking sigh

(I run like hell, and assume that there's an attractive wife doing 24/7 who is perfectly pleasant and easy-going).

I'm sure and hope it's just a blip and a lovely lunch occurs whilst we're all talking nonsense on MN.

But this sort of thing does happen.

OP how independent are you financially? What's the childcare payment plan? Is husband paying for his child? Is he making looking after the baby "your job"?

Better safe than sorry, hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Sorry you sound terribly needy. I don't see the importance of going for a meal for your first Mother's Day....you have a 3 month old. It won't exactly be enjoyable.

OP. Tell hubby to get his head out of his backside. “Getting tired very quickly” is crap, he should be doing his fair share. Can’t be that bloody tired if he’s been out clubbing, on a stag etc since the birth.

Ignore the miserable bags on here who love to jump down women’s throats. It’s your first Mother’s Day and you celebrate it how you want. It’s if DH can’t be bothered to make it nice for you then there is nothing stopping you going out with your baby and having a nice day.

ladies have we really become so used to the bar being set so low that we are going to call new mums NEEDY because they would like to celebrate their girth Mother’s Day?!