I dont know what to make of DH’s behaviour

[Leilalala]

We are new parents to a 3-month old DS. DH on the whole is a caring and thoughtful person. Always sends birthday/Christmas cards to friends & family, makes a lot of effort on special occasions etc
He has been under some work related stress lately plus the obvious stress relating to being a new father so maybe a bit more cranky/tired/withdrawn than normal.
About a week ago he raised the subject of the upcoming Mothering Sunday (in 2 week’s time from then) and asked what I would like to do. I confirmed that I would really like to spend my first Mother’s Day with him and DS and go for lunch somewhere but also that he should make effort to see his mum and not just drop her just because we’ve had a baby (they always see each other on Mother’s Day). He said he wasn’t going to go see her initially but agreed he would do so in the morning before we do sth together as a family.
Today his dad called him to ‘discuss Sunday’ but DH asked him to call tomorrow. Over dinner I asked DH what they are thinking of doing with his mum (ie coffee/walk) and DH said that he will need to speak to his dad later as he hasn’t decided. I then asked what we are doing (thinking he has arranged this - he is very well organised normally) and he said ‘I don’t know’. I asked if he was going to book us into a restaurant and his response was ‘they will all be booked up by now, so there is no point’. I was shocked by his behaviour (him being quite indifferent and then dismissive about my first Mother’s Day having brought up the subject himself just a week earlier) and suggested that I try to find somewhere. He snapped out of it after that and apologised for his behaviour but I cannot help feeling uneasy about such out- of- character behaviour. It’s like his mask has slipped and this ‘ I can’t be bothered with you’ attitude shone through right then.
Am I overthinking this? Why would he be like this all of the sudden?
He obviously felt guilty as he went upstairs after dinner and when he came back down he said we are all booked in.
I can’t help feeling uncomfortable about tat exchange though.

I would guess that he wanted to spend the day with you and was looking forward to it. Then you rightly brought up his DM and FIL called and made it all a bigger or more complicated commitment then the two of you anticipated. He then felt overwhelmed, a let down, and destined for failure whatever he did, all feelings that new fathers are prone to, and slipped into why even bother mode.

Also, the women suggesting that OP’s husband might be stressed because, horrifically, he’s got to see his mother in the morning and plan something with his wife and child in the afternoon- just stop. I’ve got a smear test in the morning and parents evening in the evening. I’m not stressed. It’s called normal bloody life. Stop infantilising men.

OP, this is quite common , especially with men and their needy mothers getting jealous when the son gets a new family and the wife starts to want to be prioritised over the mother (quite rightly). Unless he changes/tells his mum she's not priority anymore, be prepared to have to organise your own mothers day.

Mmm, indeed - this. Mummy dearest is tugging him one way, wife is now tugging him the other and he did the man thing of feeling like he can't satisfy everyone now so why bother (which is stupid). Just take yourself out op if he decides to just go to mummy's. It sucks but you can't always rely on them to organise this stuff for you.

God I can’t agree more! People have such unrealistic expectations of these occasions, which let’s face it, are there to benefit card manufacturers and florists.

There is nothing shocking or outrageous about his reaction and behaviour. You make it sound like he threw his dinner plate against the wall.
I reckon that you are both stressed out and overtired, so why don’t you just take the pressure off instead of working yourself up more with this thread? Just talk to him.
Enjoy your Sunday and don’t ruin it for yourself.

I think that perhaps he felt guilty and stressed exactly because he'd suggested it in the first place. Anger is often a mask for guilt! But it sounds as though it was only for a moment and that he then fixed the issue. You're both tired and new parents. Cut him some slack and enjoy your day together, and when you next get cross for what will in retrospect seem a trivial reason because you're sleep deprived, hope he does the same for you!

I disagree with this. His first allegiance needs to be to his family which is you and baby.

If you want your baby with you on Mother's Day then you are also a mother and deserve to enjoy the day.

What is MIL like in general? If she's okay and you get on, could you do a combined brunch with you/his mum/your mum if she's around and in the picture. Make it a joint thing and kill two birds with one stone.

However, if you aren't too fussed then let him crack on with whatever.

You were unreasonably non trusting and annoyingly high maintenance.
You had discussed the Mothers Day. Why did you not wait and be pleasantly surprised?
You acted like you were micro managing the lunch.

If DH had forgotten to book something, he would have had to have decided to spend time doing something else with you and your DC He would have learnt something for next year.

I feel loved and lucky with a home made card and a cheerfully said, "Happy Mother's Day". Flowers, breakfast in bed, a bit of a sleep in, a lazy day with DH doing more of the chores and sometimes a special meal, picnic etc.
Your first Mother's Day is special because you have a beautiful child with you all day.

Gosh what a huge over reaction.

Admittedly I don't really get this at all, the whole making a huge fuss over mothers day but each to their own I guess.

As for his change in behaviour, he got a bit grumpy, like most people do from time to time, especially with a newborn baby.

I hope DH never monitored my behaviour like this and thought my "mask had slipped" when we were in the throes of new parenthood. It's really not the time to be going over ever slight bit of grumpiness.

You've been very dramatic here OP.

It’s not possible sadly because of DH’s sibling (whom with I get on great before anyone jumps to conclusion). I can’t really provide any more details to protect our/their privacy.

Book your own Mother's Day so you're not disappointed. Sounds like he can't cope with letting his mother down and transitioning from just being a son and he's now a father. His mums making a big deal and now he's to deliver a big deal to you. And he can't cope with that. Sorry, but 😄. You'll get used to these blips. There will be a lot of them.

The change in mood would appear to be connected to the call from his father. Perhaps the reality of not spending the day with his own mother had kicked in and he had feelings of guilt and resentment around this?

This though too. I can't ever imagine my MIL begrudging me a mothers day if that's what we wanted.

This, with bells on. Poor DH: under financial pressure to keep everyone afloat, exhausted from broken nights and the change in routine — but still expected to put in a good performance on the social ritual front to please OP and his own mother. And required to be pleasant at all times, too. This seems such a performative, SM-friendly version of life.

I presume you'll go all out for Father's Day in June, OP.

You're overlooking the emotional baggage and the emotional expectation that comes from being required to perform for a special occasion and come up with something unspoken but satisfactory — the right restaurant, the right card, the right gift, the right flowers. Having a smear and parents evening aren't the same. Of course they may be challenging, but you're dealing with professionals who you'll see very little of.

Rather different from a wife with high expectations whom you'll be spending the rest of your life trying and from the sound of it failing to please. I read a thread recently where a woman was complaining because although her BF had bought her an item of jewellery she wanted, he'd saved £3 by not going for the ribbon gift-wrap option.

If nothing gets planned than just get a takeaway. Going to a restaurant on celebratory days whether it is Mother's Day or Valentine's Day - all booked up/not necessarily anything special/ crowded/ babies screaming - fuck that!

My initial thought is perhaps when DH has spoken with his father, he’s been told to make more effort with his own mother for Mothers Day or FIL has suggested something that clashes with his plans for your Mother’s Day and now he feels like he can’t please everyone..
my first Mother’s Day caused an uproar between my siblings as I was being treated to a day out and wouldn’t be joining in on my siblings plans for our mum (I was the first to have children so they didn’t understand at the time that the day was also now for me to be celebrated as a mother)

hopefully he opens up to you.

happy first Mother’s Day for Sunday 🩷

Who are all these women say oh poor husband, he can't even see his mum.

HE CAN and what makes his mum more important than @Leilalala 's FIRST mother's day??
WTF? I don't get MN

I went to a pub lunch on my first Mother's Day when my child was 6 weeks old, so what?

The first should be marked...
Afterwards, yes, I have done the lunch on the saturday, i have done the takeaway option and so on...
And once the kids are in school and two different after school clubs you will have crap crafts coming out of your eyeballs...

But the first should be marked. yes

All you martyrs saying you don't care about mother's day, come and post here in a few years when your children want to celebrate their own... then will it matter?

He didn’t do a 180. He merely pointed out that places will be booked up now. Not an unreasonable observation.

Everywhere will be absolutely heaving with stressed families and young children. I couldn’t think of anything worse than spending Mother’s Day in a packed, noisy, stressful restaurant situation.

He’s probably feeling under pressure to spend time with his mum. It’s one of many new scenarios he’s going to have to get his head around now he has a child and his wife is also now a mother. That said, it’s one day and I would be more interested in how he treats you on a day to day basis.

Don’t set your stall out for future mothers days but being high maintenance on the first one.

He forgot to book a table. It happens. Restaurants and young babies are not a good combination, add in Mothers’ Day for busyness and it sounds horrific.

Giving you a lay in and taking the baby to his Mum for the morning, bringing you breakfast in bed and cooking Sunday lunch for you, have a walk together if the weather is ok. Much more relaxing and way more realistic. When mine were that small the quiet lie-in on its own would’ve been a glorious gift.

Yours is such a nice post. I actually can't believe the amount of rude , pointless comments and inaccurate, too, a few posts mention about letting him see his mum. When did the op ever say he couldn't see his mum. 🤦‍♀️

Sounds like he didn't really want to go. I get that. We have been out for Mother's Day lunch once, in 24 years as we can't be arsed. It's a load of nonsense.

On a separate note...

Who are all these people who can't eat out with a 3 month old?

How is lunch out a load of nonsense 🤣🤣🤣