Am in utter shock

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

Email his boss anonymously and make his career be over.

This should be yet another cautionary tale for women to avoid married men.

Why are you so shocked op he happily strung you along and his poor wife and family. She's the only person I feel sorry for. I'm suprised your getting alot of sympathy. You can't be suprised about him shagging other women when he was doing the same to his poor wife with you. She and his dc are the victims in this. She likely found out about his infidelity and kicked him out. Having a bad husband isn't an excuse to have an affair with someone elses. How your feeling now imagine that but ten times worse and being married and having kids with that person that's how his poor wife feels.

So sorry OP. My exP had several other women on the go for the four years we were together. He is now married to one of them (she believes he is deeply in love with her). I was just some fantasist according to her (he left me with a baby).

My only explanation is that some people have a personality where they simply don't experience guilt. They just do whatever they want and don't care a jot about how much damage or pain they cause. They don't see it because they are already with the next shiny new person.
I hope you can now get on with your life without this idiot. Have you had counselling? This may be really helpful.

You dont deserve this @honeyandbutterontoast

You deserve to recover from this awful man.

Nobody thinks that dating a married man is good. But this man was not a husband worth having. So therefore, even if you insist on taking 50% of the blame for his marriage ending, he was a piece of shit who left his wife for a younger woman. Presume his wife has had enough of him. She is probably adjusting and that's never easy but it's not like you kidnapped her child, you got involved with pos husband so show yourself a lot of self-compassion.

You definitely need to block him, who cares that theres no need to as he won't be in touch anyway, you need to take back some control and block him to show him that you don't want to have contact with him.
the fact that you aren't blocking him is showing him that you're still open to contact with him

Do not talk to the media, you will get absolutely ripped apart.

It’s really telling that you’re so worried about the girlfriend and not the wife to be honest. Because the girlfriend is the next you.

It’s not karma. It’s just obvious: cheaters cheat. But you’ve been controlled and abused for years, you did not deserve that.

Honestly I think you need counselling. You’re nowhere near ready to be over him.

Was he ever truly married or was that a great cover story to see all the others.

I hope he gets his just desserts. Creep.

Hopefully you can move on and live a life of happiness despite the damage he caused you. You were no angel but you recognise that so you don't need telling

Its bewildering, but seemingly not uncommon.

I guess its a mark of how vulnerable some people are? Theres a woman I know (know of, I dont know her personally) who lives nearby, shes related to a high profile politician (so her family are well known in the town). Anyway, back to the point lol, shes been in a years long social media spat with another woman over some worthless guy, who is clearly mentally disordered and has behaved in the same way (multiple women etc) as the OP's 'partner'. I have (probably like many others locally!) rubber necked on their car crash playing out on social media, and I'm just struck by the gravity of 'Why'? Just why? If it were me played by some scrub of a guy, I'd've been affronted, and would've tipped all acceptance of his sad existence in the bin. He wouldn't be worthy of further thought, yet these two women are in lengthy combat over who he 'chose' 😂 Just how far down the shitter does your self esteem need to be to engage in that!?
Utterly bizarre (but curiously fascinating to us observers).

Yes he was married, in fact she’s still wearing her wedding ring. I only just found that out. So heaven knows how he has moved in with someone else and she doesn’t know.

He is the boss so nobody to email about him.

What a horrible situation and person. I hope your comment about wanting to die was just a phrase. Please seek help if you are struggling.

I am divorcing the man who I thought I knew really well. The minute he walked out of the house he changed. I asked for space. He decided we were done. Then he became someone I can't understand.

Take care of yourself. You've had a shock and you will be grieving for what you thought you had in the past and the future that will be so different to what you had hoped.

Do not talk to the media, you will get absolutely ripped apart

Yep. The media will have absolutely no sympathy for you and your entire life will be plastered over the internet for everyone to criticise.

It's very easy for people on here to say "do it for the money" but the media doesn't take kindly to other women!

I don’t see myself ever getting over this. Some might say that’s what I deserve.
We live a very small life, I try to make the best of it. I have chronic health conditions (funnily enough I didn’t before all this) so normal life is a struggle. I trust very few people, and have nobody I can talk to about this.

He was my one little highlight. We had funny in jokes (that he probably shares with others!) and knew each other. We would message on and off all day about little things.

It was all lies. His in depth chat about his meetings last week and the weather, he was on holiday!!!

His poor wife.

Because they feel they are different. People get into adulterous relationships for so many reasons. Some understanding would be helpful. There is pain all round and sometimes the new relationship does work out so not ridiculous to expect and hope for it.

I think he was telling women he was separated long before he actually was.
i guess most young single women won’t fall for the unhappily married line

Don't be Heartbroken be free! You wanted to do your life, lucky you now you can do it free of all his bullshit. Give your head a wobble and carry on with your life.

I'm not judging but cheaters cheat.
Hopefully his ex wife, you and the other woman now see him by his colours and can move on.

Wow OP. So sorry. This man is really sick. So so sorry for you and all the other women in his life. He has abused them all.

How do you know this?

This is absolutely brutal. No wonder you are in such a state.
I don't know how a person gets over so many layers of deceit. All I can say to you is that there are decent men out there and I'm sorry that the ones you've met have been so awful.

I don't think it's right for people to put the boot in now over the ow thing - being in an abusive marriage causes damage and damaged people don't always behave well. And clearly this man was a very accomplished liar.

He's a complete sociopath OP and they are excellent at sucking people in! The new gf has seen the extent of his lies much earlier than you did, so it's on her if she chooses to ignore them - you can't be worrying about that. Focus on yourself and your dc.

Op, try to be a bit kinder to yourself. You’ve said yourself what a good liar he is, you had no way of knowing what a complete and utter shitbag he is.
With regards to worrying about the gf, you can only hold your own issues, you can’t hold that for her, that’s her shit to deal with, and you have enough to cope with as it is.
Try to give yourself a break, he’s clearly a serial liar and at some point in the future, you’ll realise that you’re better off without him.
Why didn’t he let you go before, because he’s a selfish arse hole
Huge hugs to you.

Oh mate. I would have thrown him in the fucking bin for walking away from a house purchase on completion day - I assume you were stuck with the 10% fine? To me that's worse than shagging someone else. Man is a sociopath.

What a shock.

I'd there's anything good to come out if it, he gave you the push you needed to leave a terrible relationship.

Would you rather be where you are now, even with this knowledge, or where you were before you met him?

Although you've been messaging a lot, it sounds like you have been living a proper independent life a long time. And so you will get over it. There will be anger to come but you'll get past it.

But before you chuck yourself into dating take some time for you and to work out why you set your bar so low when you are clearly worth much more. Good luck with a better future

I am never dating.
im done,
I don’t know a single decent man

Ah hen, I'm sorry to read this, he found you during a very vulnerable time didn't he? I hope you're okay as the shock wears off.

Some people and I'm the first to blame men but I've met women who have done similar, but some people are just physically unable to keep their relationships monogamous (I think that's the word!) And I've no idea why they drag unsuspecting folks into their shit shows. It's fucking evil.

@honeyandbutterontoast i was the OW once unbeknownst to me for over a year.
I thought he was being courteous coming to my home as opposed to his because if my ex needed to return DS, I'd be home, or so I felt comfortable as he had OCD so I'd not worry about moving his things incorrectly.
Genuinely no red flags, we discussed holidays, eventually him moving in when he built a bond with DC over the next few years, etc, we had a trajectory.
Then my ex (who I have spoken to daily since age 12, we're best pals) took a job working in a local college and made friends with his very nice boss. She showed him a picture of her and her DH on a cruise, the week my boyfriend was away working. Same bastard it was! Small World and thankfully it wasn't more than 14 months but I was crushed for a wee while.
I met dp not long after and we have the loveliest wee family! Dp is superior in absolute every way, I'm truly wishing you have the same outcome as I had and things come up smelling of chanel no. 5 for you!

I did reading about why I attracted such wanky men before I met my DP and I was vulnerable because my self esteem was on it's arse, took a while but I got there.
I've faith you will 💐