Am in utter shock

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

Don’t worry about her : she has had fair warning and, I’m sorry if this cuts both ways, when people get involved with someone they know is cheating, they ought really to see it in the horizon - or at least comfortably within plausibility - that at some stage the tables will turn .

That said, betrayal is heartbreaking and finding that someone you depended on is someone else completely will take some recovery emotionally. Can I suggest from hereon in you don’t play the OW games and find someone honest and straightforward. People who cheat, cheat.

This is very extreme crazy behaviour on his part.

Its sad for you because this has had a very big impact on your life.

I agree with those saying that whilst being very clear of avoiding blackmail you should at least issue a bill to cover for example the house he backed out of.

If you can't see that that is entirely fair and appropriate then I worry you're still under his spell.

There’s nothing more painful than when somebody blindsides you.

Even though the people I feel most for are his former DW and his DC (I’ve been cheated on so know that the OW didn’t give a shit about me) I do feel for you.

The hurt when someone you thought was not only your friend but your soulmate. You question everything that’s been and gone. It’s awful. In my case it was my DH.

As the OW you would have known what this man was capable of, compartmentalising his life, lies and deceit, so I understand your pain but you must also realise that you were also complicit in many of those lies, in the former years at least.

I hope you do have support in RL and can focus on healing yourself.

Abusers come in all different shapes and sizes.

He’s taken you for a real sucker, but it’s the sheer longevity of it that I find baffling.

Be very careful next time.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation for a couple of years and she just couldn’t see it. It was as plain as day.

All the other women need to be told what he is up to. He has probably told them all similar bullshit.
As for yourself, I would message him only to tell him you know everything and to fuck off, and when he gets there fuck off some more.
Then block him, block block block.
What an utter shit of a man.

He’s a narcissist. A vampire. You were his supply. You sound highly empathetic and vulnerable. He knew immediately you were ripe for exploitation.

Unless he can fill the supply that you have given him over the last 12 years immediately, he will be back. Your empathy is his drug. The fact he still needed your supply even after he had the new girlfriend, suggests strongly he needs the dopamine hit you give him. Be prepared for him to return when the need arises. It’s likely why he often says he is depressed when he talks to you. He needs his fix. You are his fix. Then he buggers off again on his merry way.

All the empathy, understanding and care you readily give outwards to him, you need to aim inwards at yourself. You need to feel sorry for you, care for you and show up for you. You’re not his emotional support human. You are your own.

I am sorry you are hurting and that this man is such a piece of human garbage.

However, I am a little surprised you're so shocked. He cheated on his wife with you, he promised you things then never followed through, you had an intuition he was seeing other women but he lied about it, his actions never matched his words and the second you started dating someone else he took his wedding ring off.

All of these are indicators of what his character was like but you ignored the glaring red flags. I get that some men are master manipulators and very charming but all of these were right in front of you but you chose to ignore them. I am always surprised when women have affairs with attached men and then are "shocked" when he cheats on them. Why?- the best predictor of future behaviour, is past behaviour. It's good that you are taking responsibility for at least some of this so use this and learn from it. Don't blindly trust what a man says- take note of his actions, not his words and listen to your instincts.

Going forward, be very, very wary of a man that is willing to cheat on his wife and kids to be with you because that indicates that loyalty and lying is literally nothing to him. That speaks volumes about what he is likely to do to you further on down the line.

Block him on every channel and move forward with your life but this time pay attention to actions, not words.

This. I am so sorry OP.

@honeyandbutterontoast have you got debt because of him or is it that he's drained your finances?

This is a mess, you need to start reestablishing your own identity and independence.

I feel awful for you that it's taken so many years for your 'wake up call'. There have been quite a few missed opportunities for you over the years where you could've had a real turning point. After the first maybe, year, where he refused to leave his wife. After the second, the third...then the house completion betrayal. He's all words. He likes words doesn't he. Words, words, words. Mainly about himself and what he 'needs'.

I say this to you as I know at least 2 men exactly like yours. One I had a child with yeeeeeeears back. The other is a...close relation.

This will never end, just so you know. You'll probably reach out to him wanting to understand him, wanting an explanation, wanting to know HOW he could do this. I'll save you a wasted life and tell you: it's just the way he is. That's him. There's no deeper reason! There is no meaning to this.

And that's why it hurts. To know you aren't soul mates, or the loves of each other's lives. It was all just him being a dick.

Try to be happy in life. You have to do it for yourself. He won't end the merry go round for you.

OP If that’s the case then at least, even now, do an honourable thing and tell this poor woman what is going on. My heart breaks for her and her kids and how he has manipulated them (sorry to say but this was with your help) over the years. So so so sorry for them 🥲

Do you have children Op?

friends?

do you work?

If someone had asked me yesterday I would have said he was my best friend, the absolute love of my life.

You can't truly believe this, surely? Your best friend is the one who walks beside you in all of life's trials and tribulations - they're the one you can count on to drive you to your chemo appointment, to prop you up at your parent's funeral, to hold your hair when you're doubled over with morning sickness. I don't mean this figuratively, I mean this literally. They show up and they are physically present in your life.

If you think some lengthy, sweeping email exchanges and a few snatched coffees equals a meaningful connection then you really need therapy to work on your low standards.

What weird responses in this thread. Cheating on your own DH and being the other woman is now perfectly fine so long as your affair partner is a massive POS.

2 people in this story deserve sympathy, bút it's not any of the cheaters.

I have no idea who he is.

If someone had asked me yesterday I would have said he was my best friend, the absolute love of my life.

I had a similar moment with my ex-husband. It’s an utter shock to look into the eyes of someone you’ve known so long and realize that they aren’t remotely the person you thought they were. I think it’s so difficult to change your long-term view of who someone actually is and it is, perhaps, especially hard if you have been in the habit of overlooking the obvious signs that he wasn’t who you believed he was. I’m certainly guilty of that, and even now, I struggle to see him as my logical mind tells me I ought to.

I hope you can find a way past this, OP. Learning to trust again isn’t something I’ve managed. I hope you can.

3 years ago the OP posted

honeyandbutterontoast · 19/03/2021 14:23

I need help.
I need to go NC, I have to. But I seem to lack any strength to do so. I have absolutely had enough and can’t see how to end this and get some semblance of a life back.

Advance search the Op

there is a heck of a lot more to this

plus op

you have children, at least one of whom has a serious metal health illness.

FGS focus

Gosh Op I’m so sorry. I had a friend in a very similar situation - even down to the house buying. We were left with no idea about what was true and what wasn’t. He was like addicted to conning people. Extraordinary. So hard to understand.

I’m so sorry. You will be very vulnerable right now. Please get counselling to help you through this.

three years ago you say

And of course it is now too late for me to have more children.

but then on a different thread you refer to your DC and indeed your DD with an eating disorder

full of holes and lies. I will bow out and no hope others don’t waste time on this nonsense

Getting tested! He sounds sleazy

But OP has talked about her children and mentioned them having a MH struggle. I don’t think you’ve outed any lies?

Bloody hell op, this is dreadful. I am so sorry.

How the hell did he have time for all of this?! The level of deception is horrifying.

I know someone like this. Played the devoted partner. Turned out he was seeing multiple other woman simultaneously, building intense emotionally interdependent relationships with each of them. Telling each how unique and special they were. That he was sexually monogamous with them.

It clearly wasn’t just sex. He seemed to get off on having women depend on him emotionally. On him being able to get their love and caring and support.

it’s absolutely sick.

I suspect it’s quite common with married cheats. Married people dating sites make it easy for them to meet multiple women. I guess they get addicted to the adoration.

on the thread in 2021

honestly, AS and the order by oldest