Am in utter shock

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

Hopefully this was the wake up call you needed. Sad that you've wasted 12 years of your life after this person, but onwards and upwards

@honeyandbutterontoast
This book...it was a game changer for me {and my friend who recommended it}

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/1416550216

''The #1 New York Times bestseller that asks: are you a woman who loves too much?

-Do you find yourself attracted again and again to troubled, distant, moody men—while “nice guys” seem boring?
-Do you obsess over men who are emotionally unavailable, addicted to work, hobbies, alcohol, or other women?
-Do you neglect your friends and your own interests to be immediately available to him?
-Do you feel empty without him, even though being with him is torment?

Robin Norwood's groundbreaking work will enable you to recognize the roots of your destructive patterns of relating and provide you with a step-by-step guide to a more rewarding way of living and loving.

If being in love means being in pain, you need to read Women Who Love Too Much.''

I will look at the book.

But I’m not sure it will have any advice on utter psychopaths which he clearly is.

I don’t need to block him, he won’t ever contact me again. I expect his top priority will be damage limitation.

yes spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times

BEWARE...he WILL try to make contact again, to see if ''old reliable'' is still there for him to dump on, and empathise with ''Poor him''.

''Women who love too much'' will help you realise WHY you fall for trash like this.

Really he won’t contact me.

Im dead to him at this stage.

His career will be over if all this gets out, so he will be making sure to never contact me again. Appease the current girlfriend and hopefully get away with it.

What a shock! But also a lucky escape, better to have wasted 12 years than 32 years.
You still have a lot of life left, get counselling and make the most of it!

I can't think how this could impact on any man's career- tons of men in responsible positions lie and are unfaithful~ GP's, Surgeons, teachers.. people in positions of trust.

You're not responsible for his lies. He sounds a nightmare.

However, you have made some very unwise decisions and you need to think about why. Buying a house with someone who hasn't even met your children is not a rational decision. I get that you weren't planning on him moving in straight away but you were prepared to make a huge financial commitment with someone who was in another relationship and who your children didn't know.

I honestly think you need to look at your decision making, so you don't make similar mistakes in the future.

Have you had a name change fail, OP?

Yup. Karma’s a bitch ain’t it?!

Exactly…

No I think they were quoting me.

Ah, ok.

What a shock you’ve had. You must feel absolutely blindsided.

This guy is clearly a very sick individual.

Take some time for self-care. You’ve had a huge shock. I don’t mean a hot bath and a face mask, I mean resting, journaling, therapy if you can afford it. You’ll be grieving the loss of twelve years to this sociopath. It’s a lot to process.

It'll ruin his career if it gets out?

Out him then. Asap.

Same….

I agree. I don’t think any of this is about the other women at all

To be honest, if I was in your position and if you are contacted by the media through here, I would be open to offers.
The little bit of money would help.. But the satisfaction would be immense.
For me. 😈

What a horrific experience. This man has serious problems, whether it be due to his personality or morally - in fairness the cause of his behaviour isn't relevant, and by that I mean understanding his reasons won't make any difference at this point; he's an awful person who has taken extreme advantage of you over a long period. Someone capable of such deceit is unlikely to ever feel any remorse (he's a waste of oxygen, frankly).

You must not allow him the opportunity of causing you any further emotional/self esteem damage. Send him one final message telling him his behaviour is beyond appalling and that he disgusts you, and then end all contact. And stop worrying about the other women (you need to look after you). You will need RL support and advice (counselling perhaps) to come to terms with being used and emotionally abused by this lunatic of a man. I'm so sorry you got tangled in his murky web - this is all on him, so keep in mind that you deserve, and are worthy of, so much better.

He sounds highly narcissistic with a constant need for new supply as well as a desire to keep what he thinks is his. Hence he didn’t want to lose your emotional support despite being in relationships with other women. Narcissists are terrified of being alone so tend to have overlapping relationships if good looking enough to attract lots of people.

A compulsive liar of course. If you read up about narcissm you will recognise that this man is of a certain type and they can be very very believable. He thinks he is unique but he isn’t.

You are a victim of his and so is his gf and so was his wife. Eventually you will be able to process it but right now it sounds like you are in shock.

I’m too ashamed.
im ashamed of myself for believing he was my friend. For all the sacrifices I made and omg there were so many.
I don’t want my DC dragged into this either. Or his.
In his world he is very well known. I didn’t know that when I met him, or for a long while after. He was just my friend, I had no clue that he was important.

This. It would also stop him moving on to other young women so easily.

He's not important. Indeed he's the antithesis of important - he's a lunatic who targets vulnerable people and takes extreme advantage of them. He'll be found out in his professional life at some point.