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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband getting selfies from his ex

136 replies

HarissaVerde · 24/02/2024 21:30

The other day my daughter was using my husband’s phone and I noticed she was looking at his photos. There were a couple of photos of a woman I know to be his first girlfriend from their six form years. This woman got in touch with him last year and I think they have been texting quite a bit.

My husband locked his phone down soon after she got in touch but I noticed a couple of messages popped up asking if he would ever consider moving back to their hometown and messages with hearts and kisses.

The selfies were of her fully dressed but sort of posing and pouting. It was from a night he was out in the pub so I presume they were texting each other. I told my DH I had seen them and it seemed like she was trying to foster a sense of intimacy or an emotional affair. It didn’t seem appropriate for two married people. He said I need to relax and just stop it and that all she is doing is saying ‘look at me’. He’s now in a strop about it.

I don’t think this is really appropriate but he is very vehemently telling me I’m being ridiculous. I gave up a couple of longstanding friendships with men, including a gay man, as he felt funny about them. And I would never send them selfies like that. I just wondered if I’m being over the top or if it is inappropriate.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 24/02/2024 21:36

YANBU

Zapss · 24/02/2024 21:41

Not very good at the game, is he!

Original poster
HarissaVerde · 24/02/2024 21:43

Thank you, it is sometimes hard to tell! I have no problem with him having female friends. But I know for sure that there have been times he’s been out very late and then the next day a woman texts (which I’ve seen on the lock screen) telling him how amazing it was to meet him and talk to him.

I think he probably chats to women as a kind of ego boost, but probably doesn’t actually do anything. He’s very, very charming and handsome, but at home displays some narcissistic traits and low level emotional abuse at times.

OP posts:
Berosey54432 · 24/02/2024 21:44

HarissaVerde · 24/02/2024 21:30

The other day my daughter was using my husband’s phone and I noticed she was looking at his photos. There were a couple of photos of a woman I know to be his first girlfriend from their six form years. This woman got in touch with him last year and I think they have been texting quite a bit.

My husband locked his phone down soon after she got in touch but I noticed a couple of messages popped up asking if he would ever consider moving back to their hometown and messages with hearts and kisses.

The selfies were of her fully dressed but sort of posing and pouting. It was from a night he was out in the pub so I presume they were texting each other. I told my DH I had seen them and it seemed like she was trying to foster a sense of intimacy or an emotional affair. It didn’t seem appropriate for two married people. He said I need to relax and just stop it and that all she is doing is saying ‘look at me’. He’s now in a strop about it.

I don’t think this is really appropriate but he is very vehemently telling me I’m being ridiculous. I gave up a couple of longstanding friendships with men, including a gay man, as he felt funny about them. And I would never send them selfies like that. I just wondered if I’m being over the top or if it is inappropriate.

You are human. It’s making you feel insecure and that isn’t fair. Did you say she’s married also? I’m guessing not happily if she is seeking attention from your husband, her ex. Has he entertained her messages with a reply or just ignored them? Perhaps he secretly likes the flattery that he is being seen as attractive.

Original poster
HarissaVerde · 24/02/2024 21:52

I think he replies but it wouldn’t be his thing to also send a selfie. Yes she is also married, and we are all close to 50 now so their relationship was a very long time ago. I got the impression she’s bored and focusing on my husband. I suspect it’s to do with flattery from his part, which he doesn’t really need to do.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 24/02/2024 21:54

This is inappropriate and I'd not be having it from my DH.

I'd tell him he had to stop interacting with her. I wouldnt dream of receiving gym pictures or whatever from lads I went to uni with. It's just weird.

DustyLee123 · 24/02/2024 21:54

The fact that he locked his phone as soon as she started messaging shows that he has something to hide from you, that he knows you wouldn’t like it.

WaltzingWaters · 24/02/2024 21:58

YANBU at all. He’s being an utter twat and enjoying the attention. Very inappropriate and I’d have a hard time trusting him after this.

WandaWonder · 24/02/2024 22:00

He could be up to something, he could be tired of your jealously we don't know him or you

If you are perfectly calm and rational and have no issues other than him being a tear then leave him if not work out what it is the issue and stop snooping if you are if it was reversed it would be called controlling

Original poster
HarissaVerde · 24/02/2024 22:02

I asked him today if he could block her and he said he would just delete the photos and that I need to stop it. I said deleting them isn’t the point, it’s that he is obviously texting her when he’s in the pub and she’s then sending him photos of herself. Not really sexual as she is clothed but she is kind of looking up under her eyelashes in a pose. I did say that he shouldn’t be telling me to stop it and just relax!

OP posts:
Berosey54432 · 24/02/2024 22:04

HarissaVerde · 24/02/2024 21:52

I think he replies but it wouldn’t be his thing to also send a selfie. Yes she is also married, and we are all close to 50 now so their relationship was a very long time ago. I got the impression she’s bored and focusing on my husband. I suspect it’s to do with flattery from his part, which he doesn’t really need to do.

I think sometimes we are all guilty of our minds wandering and wondering what life would be like if you did this differently or that differently. I’d like you say he was uncomfortable with you having male friends well in my eyes what’s good for the goose is good for the gander…

Original poster
HarissaVerde · 24/02/2024 22:09

Well I suppose it’s since something that happened a couple of years ago where he was out till 4am with a young student. I have had trouble trusting him since this happened but from what I can tell there’s a pattern of meeting women and getting some kind of emotional/romantic input.

I don’t think I’m jealous as I have no problem with him going out to the pub a couple of times a week and doing his hobby. I don’t like other women and him being inappropriate so I guess from that perspective it’s jealousy on my part.

OP posts:
Jeannie88 · 24/02/2024 22:13

Clearly liking the attention and what he may think is innocent flirting but any behaviour of this kind isn't good. She needs to get a grip and stop trying to get attention and he needs to stop replying.

HeadsShouldersTitsandArse · 24/02/2024 22:19

Gross. All of it.

He is absolutely gaslighting you into thinking it’s not a shorty thing he’s doing. It shows a complete lack of respect to you.. from partaking in enough conversation with an ex that she’ll send photos, to the hearts and kisses, the questioning moving back to hometown.. let alone him telling you to stop when questioned.

You also sound a little naive with the “I think it’s just an ego boost” “he/she just likes the attention” - how else do you think affairs start?

personally at this point (and I don’t want to sound like your average MN’er) but I’d leave him.
otherwise, he needs to shut it down now - but I doubt he will.

Berosey54432 · 24/02/2024 22:23

HarissaVerde · 24/02/2024 22:09

Well I suppose it’s since something that happened a couple of years ago where he was out till 4am with a young student. I have had trouble trusting him since this happened but from what I can tell there’s a pattern of meeting women and getting some kind of emotional/romantic input.

I don’t think I’m jealous as I have no problem with him going out to the pub a couple of times a week and doing his hobby. I don’t like other women and him being inappropriate so I guess from that perspective it’s jealousy on my part.

Are you happy? If I’m reading correctly I think your kinda saying well why aren’t I enough if you need attention elsewhere… innocent or not… your his wife if it bothers you then it’s a problem is your first thought when he phone pings going to be I wonder if it’s her…

Aquamarine1029 · 24/02/2024 22:27

Why are you allowing this giant idiot to gaslight you and treat you with such disrespect? He is cheating on you, full stop. Inappropriate relationships with other women is cheating, and he's doing it right under your nose.

WinterSprings · 24/02/2024 22:34

I think DH needs to move out for a few weeks to give you chance to really think about the boundaries of your marriage.

Receiving selfies from an ex is not okay. Note the plural. SELFIES! Meaning whatever he’s responding back is welcoming them. It’s an emotional affair at best. Kidding himself and gaslighting you in not behaviour befitting a married man. You do not have to put up with this.

Your marriage is in jeopardy. It’s time he faces that to see if this “friendship” is really worth it.

justtidying · 24/02/2024 22:36

They never start off sexy.

They are testing the waters

Opentooffers · 24/02/2024 22:42

Measuring you by his own yardstick, so to his mind you are as much a risk with men as he is with women, hence the jealousy, it's transference. Never give up innocent friendships on someone else's says.

Pondering89 · 24/02/2024 22:58

How has he managed to convince you messaging an ex is the equivalent to messaging a friend? Plus I don’t know many friends who exchange selfies.

It’s irrelevant how long ago their relationship was, the history is there. Although from what you have said, if you stop him messaging her, he will just move on to someone else.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 24/02/2024 23:02

Tell him her either blocks and deletes her number or divorce is on the cards

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/02/2024 23:04

I've never quite met anyone who is so far away from jealousy as you. I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him but you seem just explain everything away. Are you on any medication by any chance?

Ilovelurchers · 24/02/2024 23:24

The double standards here on his part are alarming.

The male friends you stopped messaging, including the gay one, what caused your husband to have a problem with that? Were you doing anything worse with these friends than he is doing now with the ex?

plantlover34 · 25/02/2024 05:34

It's such extreme double standards. I would start talking to the male friends again, and say if it's ok for him to talk to 'friends' then it's ok for you. Don't let him isolate you in any way.

Overall though it sounds like persistent problematic behaviour, so it might be time to consider counselling or separation.

Also you don't sound like you have trust issues, just very reasonable suspicions

Porfirio · 25/02/2024 05:39

' but probably doesn’t actually do anything.'

That's what you like to think but clearly he goes out and chats up women left, right and centre and encourages old girlfriends.

That's what you do know and that's bad enough!

He's got a big ego and he likes having it stroked.

I wouldn't put up with that. You'll end up a nervous wreck.