Husband getting selfies from his ex

[HarissaVerde]

The other day my daughter was using my husband’s phone and I noticed she was looking at his photos. There were a couple of photos of a woman I know to be his first girlfriend from their six form years. This woman got in touch with him last year and I think they have been texting quite a bit.

My husband locked his phone down soon after she got in touch but I noticed a couple of messages popped up asking if he would ever consider moving back to their hometown and messages with hearts and kisses.

The selfies were of her fully dressed but sort of posing and pouting. It was from a night he was out in the pub so I presume they were texting each other. I told my DH I had seen them and it seemed like she was trying to foster a sense of intimacy or an emotional affair. It didn’t seem appropriate for two married people. He said I need to relax and just stop it and that all she is doing is saying ‘look at me’. He’s now in a strop about it.

I don’t think this is really appropriate but he is very vehemently telling me I’m being ridiculous. I gave up a couple of longstanding friendships with men, including a gay man, as he felt funny about them. And I would never send them selfies like that. I just wondered if I’m being over the top or if it is inappropriate.

It’s not okay. And they are both at fault.
Essentially they are the same thing, wanting attention from eachother.
It is not okay and entirely disrespectful and inappropriate.
If he wants a healthy marriage with you then he doesn’t get to have back up plans or ego boosters hanging about.
Aside from that her questioning about your relationship is undermining it.
Clearly your husband doesn’t want you messaging other blokes so why does he think it’s okay to message this woman and receive pictures from her?
I would have another chat with him about it, the problem being this type of thing is often a pattern of behaviour and may not be something he stops, I’m unsure it can be done…. It’s just a type of addiction.
Only you can decide what you want to do, if you want to stay in the relationship then he needs to understand the issue here.
It is cheating and no matter how he tries to pretty it up he can’t escape that.
Having been in a marriage where this type of thing was long standing I would say be wary, just because he is saying the right things at the moment doesn’t mean anything, it’s his actions that count.

Thank you, yes you’re right and sorry you experienced similar, it’s not at all nice! I think he has probably panicked that he has said to much and she has that on her phone and could show anyone. I’m going to wait till he brings up booking his flights to visit he family there and say something as I know they will meet up.

How can you be so passive about this? He is cheating in plain sight and you seem completely unwilling to address it. I'm not sure what you want from the thread... no one is going to suggest you stay with him?!

I think you’ve got so used to his behaviours that it’s been normalised for you. Somehow the hurt his actions are causing have been normalised

I think your father telling you he didn’t love you sounds abusive and also your self esteem is low because of this.

I do think and urge you to get counselling to u cover and deal with this traima.

lts too late discussing with him before he goes off as you will feel so insecure as it is. And he will have the power as he gets to shut the door leaving you with so much to deal with in your head! So many what ifs?

you are accepting the love right now as it makes you feel safe but you know how quickly your H changes. Please consider this all x

If he’s been out late then getting messages the next day saying ‘if was great to meet you’ it’s obvious what he’s upto & he’s clearly trying to gas light you. You possibly could be too trusting. He’s a multiple cheater by the sounds of it!

God I couldn't live like that. You'll never be able to trust him. He sounds awful. Constantly wanting his ego stroking ffs.

I just wanted to add something to say that he’s going to visit his family soon and he’s told this woman he doesn’t think they should meet in case they develop feelings. She’s said of course they will meet and has been seeing his mum and sister. I don’t think she usually sees his sister so more groundwork I think.

The other day he went out late and I heard him talking and it turns out he phoned her for 45mins. Then he’d said he wished he was lying with her. All this romantic stuff, but he continues to say he loves me etc

I am planning to use the time he’s away to speak to Women’s Aid as I’m feeling very muddled. He argues in a circular way so anything you say he can deflect back onto you. We went away last week and he spent most of the time having naps with our daughter asking me where he was every few minutes.
Sorry to post again, I can’t speak in real life about it.

@HarissaVerde don't apologise for posting. That's what mn is for.

He really wants to have his harem, doesn’t he? Good idea to talk to Women’s Aid.

What a prince.

🚩

@HarissaVerde his mum and sister are so complicit in getting him back when this woman! Don’t they care about their grand children or nieces / nephews?
Your husband telling you he loves you are just words, his actions seem far seat from this. He completely neglected you and the dc on a recentl holiday.

It is good you will contact Women’s aid as I think you really need support in real life. Keep posting and offloading your thoughts as it’s better for you mental health than keeping it all inside. Take care and be kind to yourself x