Husband getting selfies from his ex

[HarissaVerde]

The other day my daughter was using my husband’s phone and I noticed she was looking at his photos. There were a couple of photos of a woman I know to be his first girlfriend from their six form years. This woman got in touch with him last year and I think they have been texting quite a bit.

My husband locked his phone down soon after she got in touch but I noticed a couple of messages popped up asking if he would ever consider moving back to their hometown and messages with hearts and kisses.

The selfies were of her fully dressed but sort of posing and pouting. It was from a night he was out in the pub so I presume they were texting each other. I told my DH I had seen them and it seemed like she was trying to foster a sense of intimacy or an emotional affair. It didn’t seem appropriate for two married people. He said I need to relax and just stop it and that all she is doing is saying ‘look at me’. He’s now in a strop about it.

I don’t think this is really appropriate but he is very vehemently telling me I’m being ridiculous. I gave up a couple of longstanding friendships with men, including a gay man, as he felt funny about them. And I would never send them selfies like that. I just wondered if I’m being over the top or if it is inappropriate.

I know he will turn it round to being my fault for some reason even though I never stop him from doing anything, going anywhere etc.

I would tell him that you have decided to take this as complicit permission to re-establish your friendships that you disengaged from and start sending them selfies. Fuck that. He’s a horrible man.

@HarissaVerde You absolutely are not being unreasonable here-
Why did you give up friendships with gay men?!!

They are not a threat to your relationship.

A pouty edited “ Fanny galloping “ woman who has the hots for your husband is VERY different.

@HarissaVerde Jeez.
I read your updates.
He’s a narcissistic Scrote,
and she’s absolutely shameless , acting like a hussy.
How dare she try and put you down.

That’s called gaslighting and it’s a form of abuse so why would you keep quiet and not rock the boat?

OP, he will never change, doesn't matter about this ex, if it wasn't her it would be another woman as you know due to his past. He gives out his number to women he meets on a night out for gods sake. This man is so dysfunctional I don't know where to begin.
Your have 2 choices. Either leave him and start living your life. You will flourish after the initial shock, believe me.
The other choice is to work really hard on accepting this is who he is and what he does. Ask him to be more discreet and just get on with it. You will not be able to get back in touch with friends or make a life for yourself though if you choose this option. He won't allow that.
Those are your only options. He will not change. He will continue to do what he pleases with who he pleases. He has not one ounce of respect for you and does not care about how this affects you.
You need therapy and fast. You don't even know how to start thinking about what you want. You lost yourself a long time ago.

@HarissaVerde I would photo those messages and save them to an email account he has no access to, you seem emotionally numb or defeated almost, so this will allow you time to process and have proof of what he is doing. It will allow you a bit of time to decide what to do and proof so that he cannot gaslight you about what you saw. I think you need to speak about all this with a therapist that understands gaslighting and emotional abuse.

All the signs of a cheater. Who visits their ex when visiting their parents!? I'd imagine he arranged to see the ex first and used "visiting my mum" as an alibi.

He can't be trusted IMO. And giving his number to randomers when he's in the pub!? No one in a happy marriage does that.

I did question it at one point and he said I was crazy and jealous!

Biggest red flag going. So he visits with an ex when he visits his mum. She also sends him selfies, while he is out in the pub and they are in regular contact via text.
You are not allowed to do the same with male friends though.
And he feigns the classic, 'but we're just friends, you are crazy and jealous' when you bring it up....... to shut you down.

He doesn't like you having male friends, because he himself is a cheat and therefore that's where his mind instantly goes when you mention other men.

Telling you, you are crazy and jealous is to shut you down and make you feel like you are one doing something wrong.

And you've now seen the messages.

I'm so sorry. Your husband is a cheat, emotionally if not physically, and is gaslighting you into being the one to feel bad about it, by calling him out on what he very blatently already knows is shitty behaviour.

Let him try and turn it all onto you. YOU know its not your fault he is a piece of shit. Thats all on him.
Look up the script, prepare yourself. He sounds like he will follow that to a tee, so you can work out whats coming next.

You are not at fault. Repeat that to yourself over and over again.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is a very familiar story and resonates with this woman's experience.

Is this the script? Handhold please www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5005102-is-this-the-script-handhold-please

It might help you to read her journey and how she has maintained her composure and dignity in the face of truly awful behaviour.

You say he's very very charming and attractive. Women will always fawn over men like that and he likes the attention. Up to you whether you can accept that or not.

Thank you for all the replies, I have been feeling shocked and am processing what I have read.

A lot of the messages are instigated by my husband when he is drunk and he does try to shut it down when he realises how inappropriate he is being. Interestingly she keeps on and on asking questions, demanding the truth until he will finally say something flattering.

It is quite shocking and she asks him to move back to her country and to ask me for an open marriage. He doesn’t say anything negative about me but she constantly questions his feelings for me planting seeds of doubt. His mum is involved too as they have long chats together about my husband and how worried they are about him!

He is the type of person who is never quite happy with life and I know if he was with her he would be fed up with that within a few weeks. I am going to bide my time and talk to him calmly. I don’t understand how some people can tell lies constantly, I know he lies to me a lot. Sometimes about stupid things. At the moment he seems happy and friendly, I don’t give him any reason to be unhappy so don’t get why he starts these chats with other women, is it power, thrill or does he really want them. Thank you again.

@HarissaVerde I’m really sorry but you don’t have a ‘her’ problem you have a ‘him’ problem.

There are always women who will chase married men for whatever kicks they get out of it. There are always men who will chase married women for the same reasons. I have no time for these people and certainly wouldn’t defend them

But she is one of many. If she disappears there will be another one.

He clearly needs the validation and ego kibbles she gives him. He is a risk in a monogamous relationship. He’s not a safe partner.

He is the one who owes you fidelity, honesty, respect and empathy. I care little for who is in contact more or pushing it the fact is he crossing your boundaries repeatedly and that is not ok. Drunk or not, his behaviour is appalling and not of a man who is putting you and your safety in the relationship first.

Hi again I’m just posting as I’ve been reading the messages again that I took photos of. I’m waiting for the right moment to say something. I have now also seen messages with a colleague who he went on trips with twice last year. Of course I queried this at the time and was told I was being ridiculous. She seems to shut anything inappropriate down but is still having lengthy chats with him. In one he has told her a series of complete lies about his life that I 100% know are lies and outrageous fabrications.

Interestingly this person is about my age and not eye catching like his ex so I’m not so sure what he is flirting with her for. She’s attractive but probably similar to me rather than flirty if you see what I mean.

He has also lied to me about a recent work trip in terms of who he was with and where he was. Not a woman but just silly unnecessary lies. although he has form for chatting to women with the person he was actually with.

Plus a text from a very very young looking girl, very pretty, in the early hours when he was out till morning where she apologised for not being able to see him tonight!

I know I’m bad for looking but I saw his phone unlocked and couldn’t help looking as I was so suspicious after the work trip.
I still can’t get over the messages with the ex and his mum’s role in pushing them together. I had a chat with him the other day to suggest we work on communication and try and have some date nights and re connect. He was immediately defensive which was sad and said you can’t do this if you hold resentments. He did later apologise.

I can’t understand the lies, he has always lied but seeing what he had told this woman to impress her shocked me. Is this narcissism, what causes people to lie like this and hide things. Honestly he is such a lovely charming successful man no one in my life would believe any of this. I feel like I’ve let him down if he feels he has to talk to all these other women. I know I’ve gone more into mum mode the last few years and we have probably both had our focus on our daughter and his work. But I’m sure many families are the same at this stage.

I’m sorry to post again, I can’t bring myself to tell people this stuff in real life. I do really appreciate the kind support people have given me. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s all a bit sinister or just run of the mill bad behaviour.

@HarissaVerde a very fundamental trait of a narcissist is they are charming. I was married to one for years.
The scale of what he’s doing is huge and it must be so shocking for you to keep finding more and more shit.
No one will judge you for looking at his phone
I think you need to get counselling .,, in every post and update you sound even more broken and sad. My hope is you can get strong and please leave this fucking bastard!

I did once ring women’s aid a few years ago and they straight away said he sounds like a narcissist. I hadn’t heard the term before in that context. I just feel like I want him back to how he was, it’s like a different person all this sneaking about and I just feel I have failed. If I try and talk to him it’s like going round and round in circles and he turns back what you’re saying on to you. So I really hate conflict with him. I might ring them again. Thank you x

Please do call them and get help. Also check with your local council and see what counselling services they have plus GP.
Also Samaritans is a great source of help too.
You cannot change him my lovely but you can change how you deal with him. You are mourning who he was and I don’t think that will sadly come back. Please do not hesitate to pm me if you need any help, guidance or a listening ear.
Btw I think you are very strong. People can be described as strong when they walk away but those that stay in the type of situation you are in are also strong in a different way.

Erm I wouldn't be happy either. There's some things you just don't do

I know I’m bad for looking

You're not. He lies and gaslights and he's always having inappropriate conversations and most likely more by the sounds of it.

He might be trying to shut it down a bit with the ex because he's afraid of his mother finding out, it might not be because he actually wants to shut it down.

You deserve so much better than this. He won't change.

He has deleted all the messages from the ex, I think he must have realised how bad they looked! What a weird situation, the thing is if I confront him all his family will rush to his defence. Thank you for replying x

Thank you so much also to @Secondstart1001 I am very touched by your kindness.

You need to leave him, he's cheating on you and gas lighting you when you get a hint of finding out

Get your ducks in a row and leave

Could his mother be trying to push this woman on him to encourage him to move back home?

I think that’s what she’s doing as she would love him to be living where she lives.

I did wonder if she might be the driving force behind it - to get him to move back simply because she misses him. It’s very cruel if that is the case.

Yes that’s awful!

It must be terrible to suspect/know your OH has got ppl close to him that openly oppose and undermine you.

Good luck x