Husband getting selfies from his ex

[HarissaVerde]

The other day my daughter was using my husband’s phone and I noticed she was looking at his photos. There were a couple of photos of a woman I know to be his first girlfriend from their six form years. This woman got in touch with him last year and I think they have been texting quite a bit.

My husband locked his phone down soon after she got in touch but I noticed a couple of messages popped up asking if he would ever consider moving back to their hometown and messages with hearts and kisses.

The selfies were of her fully dressed but sort of posing and pouting. It was from a night he was out in the pub so I presume they were texting each other. I told my DH I had seen them and it seemed like she was trying to foster a sense of intimacy or an emotional affair. It didn’t seem appropriate for two married people. He said I need to relax and just stop it and that all she is doing is saying ‘look at me’. He’s now in a strop about it.

I don’t think this is really appropriate but he is very vehemently telling me I’m being ridiculous. I gave up a couple of longstanding friendships with men, including a gay man, as he felt funny about them. And I would never send them selfies like that. I just wondered if I’m being over the top or if it is inappropriate.

that I need to stop it.

He is gaslighting you, making you the problem.

His shadey behaviour has just led to you feeling unsafe and untrusting. His gaslighting and manipulation has led to you blaming yourself for that.

His behaviour is not OK. He is chasing ego kibbles and validation outside his marriage. This is at least the start of an emotional affair. The staying out till four with a student is so dodgy. And the collecting of women’s numbers from his nights out is truly disrespectful. I suspect you have the tip of the iceberg here and I think you’re lying to yourself about this.

Your husband is an unsafe partner. Imho I’d be digging. I’d also be making it clear that this woman is to be blocked as your marriage must be protected.

I really feel for you, he sounds awful.

He seems to enjoy / invite attention from other women and is telling you to look the other way and not spoil his fun.

@HarissaVerde, your 2 threads tell me that your H:
*Cheats and gaslights you.
*Stays out until 2:00 or later several nights per week, on top of hobby outings.
*Will ‘lambast you for ages.’
*Shouts and orders you around like a skivvy and is training your DD to do so.
*Devalues the contributions you made as a SAHM, even though your doing so enabled him to travel and build his career.
*Recently brought a stranger (new guy at pub) home at 2:00 a.m. to spend a Friday night without consulting you.

You are under-reacting to your H’s blatant infidelity. He is not monogamous, as he behaves like a single man who voraciously pursues flirtations and emotional affairs, at the least. It speaks volumes that he connects with women on nights out and then afterward they feel free to pursue him.

He is very invested in this illicit reignited relationship with his Ex. It’s clearly an affair: frequent contact, blocked transparency, hearts & kisses, photos, wanting him to move near her, manipulating you by vehemently dismissing your feelings and calling you ridiculous. He is strongly protecting OW and their romance, and is proving where his priorities lie.

The glaring double standards in your marriage are appalling.

Your other recent thread covers his outrageously irresponsible action of bringing the random man into your home to stay the night, with your 7 year old daughter present. When you expressed your upset, he accused you of being selfish and uncaring.

@HarissaVerde, please stop tolerating his narcissistic, self-serving, contemptuous behavior. He’s a serial cheat who is living a bachelor lifestyle and riding roughshod over your boundaries. He is also an emotional/verbal abuser who is teaching your daughter to disrespect you. This is not ‘low-level’ abuse, and the toxic dynamic will be damaging your child in untold ways.

It would be game over for me.

Thank you for all your replies, it is so helpful as I don’t really have anyone to talk it over with. I think he changed after we got married and then after our daughter was born and I stopped working for a few years.

I had always suspected he chatted to other women on nights out, and there was a colleague he had who seemed to be inappropriately texting him when they worked together. He would always put it down to me being jealous and dismiss it as he is doing now with the ex girlfriend. I have asked him to stop communicating with her and block her but there’s no way to know if he has. I know she has kept in touch with his mum and I think she gave her his number.

After his nights out I have seen on two occasions messages from women on the lock screen thanking him for his company and really gushing and hoping to see him again.

I think for a long time I went very emotionally numb and now my feelings are opening up again I feel more upset. But I really wasn’t sure if I was being over the top as he brushes it under the carpet and tells me I’m being ridiculous.

Your husband not only enjoys chatting to other women, he's handing out his number, or connecting on social media, so that these women can follow up.

There no way in hell I would accept that as part of a loving, stable marriage.

It's easy to pass her off as bored or wanting attention etc but he's obviously responding (or could have instigated it in the first place) as she's continuing, and she wouldn't just be blindly bombarding him with selfies.

I dated a guy for a while who was still in regular communication with his ex gf. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it and he gave me ‘she’s just like a mate I feel sorry for her she’s lonely’ spiel

Two weeks after I ended it, they were back together.

This.
Hiding stuff on his phone...gaslighting you....shes as bad. Id chase up those men friends you had and go out...you obviously miss that...i would. Im friends with men .. platonically. If they were married i wouldnt go out with them ..unless i was friends with wife too.

This man is cheating on you- you see messages from women on his phone after a night out saying they had a great night and hope to see him again?! Wake up! How can these even be explained as innocent?

He will downplay it all and make you feel like you are being jealous and insecure, and try to shut you up so he can keep on seeing women behind your back. To me what you have is more than enough evidence that he has cheated on you more than once, and I would be leaving.

Yep i had this other month...granted was only few dates...he dropped the shitbomb..that he was best mates with his ex, he stopped over hers every weekend.. he wouldn't text me on weekends etc. all he did was talk about his ex .blown him out. He didnt want the staying over to end...i said when you are dating someone new...its not very nice you staying at exes every week...i said if he was seeing her regularly and we were dating then oc id want to meet her initially..watch them interact. In end was just too messy for me.

In my last reply I asked if you were happy… I don’t think you are… do you want this to be your life for another X amount of years?! Easier said than done by strangers on the internet I know but if your miserable take active steps to change your life I’m going to be brutally honest with you there is clearly something missing in your relationship for him to need validation from elsewhere. I think in a long term relationship one tends to think the grass it always greener. It never is. Prioritise yourself connect with old friends, create a busy schedule become mysterious and interesting, laugh at memes on your phone if you have to it will trigger his own insecurities and he’ll wonder why the sudden change behaviour. Go for walks, to the gym get in to shape if you aren’t already. It sounds like your in a ‘comfortable’ relationship he knows you aren’t going anywhere so he’ll treat you like sh*t

You don’t have to have a big reason to leave someone.

Being unhappy is reason enough and he is making you unhappy and then dismissing your feelings.

He doesn’t sound a very a nice partner to be honest. Full of his own self importance. I wouldn’t enjoy being married to someone like this. Secretive, needing ego boosts from 3rd parties, flirtatious on nights out. He obviously uses his good looks and charm to orchestrate these situations, likes the attention and then doesn’t see what he is doing wrong when the person he is supposed to love asks him to stop doing it. I get the feeling he rules the roost in your home and you okay a rather submissive role?

If you want to stay together then you need to get tough and lay your cards on the table. Conflict avoidance is a common trait of people pleasers and doing this is often at huge personal cost.

Take the bull by the horns and nip this in the bud once and for all.

I can't believe you gave up some longstanding friendships because of him! That's a red flag before he even started swapping selfies with an ex girlfriend.

I'd get back in touch with those friends and tell them what a knob he is.

You are under-reacting IMO!

Your husband flirts with other women.
Doesn't shut it down when they flirt with him.
Has made a habit of this for some time.
Locks his phone down after he starts contact with a particular woman.
Insists you give up friendhsips with other men (including one who's gay so no threat to him at all)
So he's also a hypocrite.
ie he thinks he should run by one set of rules (that suit him) and you should live by another set (which also suit him).
ie he thinks he's superior to you and doesn't respect you as an equal
He gaslights you.
Makes our you're the one with the problem.
Has narcisistic traits and is a 'low level' abuser.
Belittles and dismisses your very valid concerns.
You can't trust him.

You deserve much better than this sorry effort of a husband.

Everyone is different but personally I wouldn't stand for it or be fobbed off as to relax. I would be making it really clear it's disrespectful to me.

A person I used to work with who was having a catch up chat with sent me a photo once of them 'by mistake'. They started saying about their recent break up then they sent a pic shirtless. I was really taken aback. I told my husband about it straight away as I felt really uncomfortable even receiving it. I made a point to completely ignore the message and a few hours later I got a message saying 'so sorry I didn't realise I sent to you by mistake'. I just said ok be sure to be more careful next time as I am married. It's not that hard for your husband to shut her down. I would be more uncomfortable it being an ex I think it's a respect thing x

So you recognise your husband is emotionally abusive...Well it's divorce time. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

This current thing is just another example of the disrespect and frankly, contempt he has for you.

You made a big mistake marrying him. But luckily, thats why divorce exists.

The bare minimum in a partner is that he is a nice human being. Minimum. This guy...is actually straight up vile.

Life's too short op. Get out, fast. See a solicitor and get your ducks in a row before telling him anything.

You don't need to wait to see how this emotional affair pans out. Because you already know he's a rotten person. No need to wait amd see if he cheats. Its irrelevant. Totally. Because he's already shown abusive, gaslighting, contemptuous behaviours. He's already shown he's a shit who doesn't care about you or your feelings. Worse, wants to headfuck you into shutting up and putting up.

He's not partner material.

It’s wrong that she’s sending pictures to your DH and even worse your DH thinks it’s ok! You are 100% in the right! Why do other women create issues like this with married men trying to wreck families! However he’s equally to blame, takes two to tango and I’d be upset and also fuming!

He is a stone-cold gaslighting cheat.

Thank you so much for all these replies, I wasn’t sure whether people would think I was being jealous. Whenever these issues have come up about women he’s friends with he has made it seem like it’s normal and that I’m jealous.

I have been speaking to him about it over the weekend and I’m hoping he will stop engaging with her. I suspect he won’t as he just can’t see the issue. There have been a few issues apart from this, lots of late nights out and long naps. I thought I was maybe being too demanding but perhaps I have lost myself a bit.

There were a few years where he would be really angry with me about things and go on about them for days, calling me names and so on. He doesn’t do that any more really, so I think it seems like he’s improved a lot as he’s nicer, but just doing this instead.

I have thought about why he needs this extra validation and I think that where he would get angry with me and call me names, I disconnected a bit and stopped being so dazzled by him. Where initially I was all over him and making sure he was happy with me.

He does have a lovely side to him where he can be very kind but it’s unfortunate he has this need for attention and ego boosting as well.

I was also wondering what men get out of being with someone if they hold them in contempt or have no respect for them.

What about when he goes out with friends and gets chatting to women?

That's fine if it's just chatting in a group but clearly he is giving them his phone number as they are messaging him to say they hope to see him again etc.

You can't put up with that!

Because he can play around but drop them because he's 'taken'.

You are the 'old bag' or whatever other derogatory term he refers to you as being to all the women he chats up so that he suckers them in to feeling sorry for him but also when he's done with them he can use you as the excuse that you'll make his life hell and refuse to let him see his children/take him for every penny etc.

The man is an utter bastard.

OP, you sound like you deserve better than this man. Being slightly less of an abusive prick isn’t exactly an improvement to strive for, the bar is very low here.

Nope. I wouldn't tolerate this at all

Imagine this was the other way round. You've started reconnecting with an ex. You've locked your phone. You've been getting selfies from this ex that were only discovered accidentally. The ex has asked if you'd ever consider moving back to your hometown. You stay out til the early hours of the morning. You bring others back in the early hours of the morning.
Would he find all this innocuous? Would he not react? Would he be totally relaxed and not ask any questions? Would he not care an ounce about any of this, despite you being a married woman with children?

Of course he wouldn't.

He's an arsehole. He's gaslighting you and you have every reason to be suspicious.

What are his replies to this exes selfies?