Husband getting selfies from his ex

[HarissaVerde]

The other day my daughter was using my husband’s phone and I noticed she was looking at his photos. There were a couple of photos of a woman I know to be his first girlfriend from their six form years. This woman got in touch with him last year and I think they have been texting quite a bit.

My husband locked his phone down soon after she got in touch but I noticed a couple of messages popped up asking if he would ever consider moving back to their hometown and messages with hearts and kisses.

The selfies were of her fully dressed but sort of posing and pouting. It was from a night he was out in the pub so I presume they were texting each other. I told my DH I had seen them and it seemed like she was trying to foster a sense of intimacy or an emotional affair. It didn’t seem appropriate for two married people. He said I need to relax and just stop it and that all she is doing is saying ‘look at me’. He’s now in a strop about it.

I don’t think this is really appropriate but he is very vehemently telling me I’m being ridiculous. I gave up a couple of longstanding friendships with men, including a gay man, as he felt funny about them. And I would never send them selfies like that. I just wondered if I’m being over the top or if it is inappropriate.

Christ, he’s so secure in the hold he has on you he isn’t even trying to hide, even when he knows you are seeing these exchanges 😢.

What a terrible situation to be in. I hope you can access some support to help you get yourself away from this pig.

Does it matter if his family rush to his defence?

No it doesn’t, it would be normal. I just mean he would be able to come up with excuses for it all and I probably wouldn’t be believed.

are you sure he isn't using a dating site and meeting woman from there in the pub?

who gives out their number when they meet people in the pub?

why do these other people say it was nice to spend time with you? that's not something i've ever heard anyone doing unless it was some kind of a date.

something isn't right. look for other apps on his phone and see whats on there.

Hello, I have a further update. My husband was in a foul mood all day yesterday for no discernible reason. We had what should have been a lovely day out and in the evening he went out to the pub.

This morning I saw all these messages to his ex and she has a way of leading him to say things before he has actually said it. She said something like if you are not in love you need to leave her. He said a load of things along these lines after this.

But today he has been all over me. This woman is a marriage guidance counsellor in her country and I’m so angry at the way she leads him and demands he tells her how he feels. I feel very shocked by the whole thing as I now realise this woman is going back to my mother in law and my husband has told his sister about it.

The truth is so different as he lives a life where he can do as he pleases and is loved, yet he is betraying me behind my back.

He is full blown cheating on you.

The guy is a complete sleaze.

I am not sure who is worse him or her?

Have you tried accessing some kind of counselling?

No I just can’t say it all out loud in real life. I think it’s so shocking the way she has lead him to various conclusions. I’m not excusing him but she has really manipulated him to say things he possibly wouldn’t have.

You started this thread 4 months ago and you still are not listening to every person that has commented to say he'll never change and you need to leave.
You don't trust him.
He is untrustworthy.
You deserve better.
Walk while you can.

Did you screenshot those messages suggesting he’s not in love with you and he should leave you?

If so, show them to his face and just say “please explain” that way, you don’t need to rant or get emotional or have him lie about what you saw. He can’t deny what is in front of his face and neither can you.

He may be your husband but he is not your friend. Personally, I wouldn’t even give him the chance to explain, I’d just tell him to go. Go live with his mother and swap as many inappropriate texts with the ex (who sounds a bit deranged) as he likes as I no longer care.

Sorry op but he’s a wrong un

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again but you’re not listening.

You don’t have a her problem you have a him problem.

My husband had a full on affair with a woman who drove the whole thing from the start. Texts started with her, sexual innuendos started with her, first moves started with her, pleas to leave and sweet nothings started with her. It all bloody started with her. But he was the one who should have protected me and his family.

She’s a nasty piece of work, but HE should have prevented the harm coming our way by saying no by putting my emotional, sexual, mental safety before his own needs for validation and ego kibbles.

He did not. He is to blame.

Your husband has history for inappropriate behaviour with other women. HE regularly treads all over your boundaries and you find a way of blaming the woman in the situation.

If you read your posts you paint him as this poor sausage at the mercy of this woman. He. Is. Not.

While you have this mindset he is laughing. He’s able to carry on being the nasty creep he is, staying out till four with younger students, texting an ex all sorts of things, having inappropriate flirtations.

I would bet my bottom dollar that this man has had sex with other women while married to you.

He is the problem.

There are many women like her around and he’s happy to exploit their neediness.

“If you read your posts you paint him as this poor sausage at the mercy of this woman. He. Is. Not.”

This and everything else @Usernamechange1234 has said.

I know you need support but I know a lot of posters are getting very frustrated with your inactivity.

You need the therapy to change your mindset. He isn’t the victim here, you are! And if this continues in this way you will have less and less confident , as the lasts bits get battered by his completely unloyal and unfaithful behaviour. Please get real life support as at the moment you are trapped by inactivity. In all kindness I do not think situation will ever improve with your H.

Why are you still blaming her??

Absolutely this. Stop posting updates telling us how bad SHE is for manipulating the poor ickle man who has no responsibility for his own actions.

HE is the problem and you need to take decisive action. He won’t change - he’s a vile creep who will continue to treat you like shit while you blame everyone else but him.

Until you take the blinkers off and accept he’s a piece of shit, the cycle will continue.

OP I think your so co-dependant on him your brain is in complete denial about what’s unfolding in front of you.

Hr has told you it’s all in your head and it’s easier to accept that as the alternative is you being with out him.

Deep down You know he is being and has been a total shit.

Get counselling.

"he is loved". This made me well up OP. Is this who you think is deserving of your love? You sound utterly beaten down. I hope you can escape this misery and live a happy and fulfilled life one day.

If you are not going to leave this man then I think you need to start turning a blind eye to what he gets up to. There's mindfulness techniques you could use, medication etc. He isn't going to change so you either leave or learn to live with it.

She isn't forcing him to say anything. He's a grown man. A grown married man. If he doesn't want to share messages / receive photos / flirt with / complement someone, he won't do it.

Yes this woman's actions are reprehensible, but only your husband is cheating on you. She isn't. Your husband is deciding, every day, to continue his relationship with her. He is deciding every day to lie to you, to disrepect you, to gaslight you.

Please please please leave this awful man. Forget about what his family will think - they are irrelevant. Forget about what he tells you is the truth - you know he lies. And he isn't very good at it. Remember that he is acting in his own interests, not yours. He is still with you because it suits him. He has a housekeeper and admin assistant at his beck and call. He lives with his children but doesn't have to be responsible for them. He cam appear to be the respectable married man when it suits him.

But you know the real him. You know he isn't trustworthy. You know he lies to you. You know he flirts with other women, gives them his number, leads them on to think it's worth making contact. He treats you with utter indifference and disrespect.

You deserve better. Much better.

Thank you, you are all absolutely right that it’s my husband who is at fault not this woman. It’s hard for me to imagine being without him 🙁 I think I probably do need some counselling as I’m just trying to process it all in my head. It broke my heart when he said he didn’t love me to her. But he tells me he loves me every day, so I don’t know which is the lie.

@HarissaVerde this stuff is hard. It is HARD to knock people off the pedestal we place them on. It’s hard to reframe our own ingrained narratives of ‘this is my hero, my protector, love of my life he just wouldn’t choose to do this to me’.

It’s much MUCH easier to blame a stranger than to pull the rose tinted glasses off.

But it has to be done. We remain trapped by narratives that aren’t reality. We continue to put ourselves at risk emotionally and mentally by not facing up to the truth.

We need to trust our own judgement and be our own hero. Be your own best friend. It’s a journey you need to go on otherwise this will just be a repeating cycle of pain.

It’s good to see so many strong women. I have been through a lot of things and I suppose I can’t bear to think he is not what I thought he was. My own dad told me he didn’t love me so this has really affected my confidence deep down. And what I’ll accept.

The funny thing is he’s now back to his nice self and being loving so it is a confusing situation. Maybe he has reflected on what he has to lose. I am going to bide my time and if he goes abroad to her country to see his mum I will bring it up then. He will have quite a shock.

Get back in touch with your platonic male friends and your gay friend. You should never have to give up a friendship because of a partner.

You don't have a her problem.

You don't have a him problem.

You have a you problem.

How long has this been dragging on?

Get some self respect going. You deserve better than this. Start telling yourself that, believing it, and acting on it.

Thank you that all makes a lot of sense and I am starting to see how low my self esteem has dropped. I was talking to a friend who is a therapist about some things that happened in my life, but not the bit about my husband, and she was shocked at the number of traumatic things that had happened. So I will try and get some counselling sorted out and see what steps to take.

Since that message where he told her he doesn’t love me and she urges him to divorce me, he has been all over me, telling me he loves me, so maybe he has realised what he has to lose.

I did speak to women’s aid a few years ago when he was being emotionally abusive and they suggested narcissistic traits.

But I will give myself a bit of a shake and see how to proceed. x

The most concerning things you have posted d are that he has made you give up friendships, and kept you down and told you off. This is controlling and abusive. His need to have these other women swoon over him is just weak and pathetic .