Husband getting selfies from his ex

[HarissaVerde]

The other day my daughter was using my husband’s phone and I noticed she was looking at his photos. There were a couple of photos of a woman I know to be his first girlfriend from their six form years. This woman got in touch with him last year and I think they have been texting quite a bit.

My husband locked his phone down soon after she got in touch but I noticed a couple of messages popped up asking if he would ever consider moving back to their hometown and messages with hearts and kisses.

The selfies were of her fully dressed but sort of posing and pouting. It was from a night he was out in the pub so I presume they were texting each other. I told my DH I had seen them and it seemed like she was trying to foster a sense of intimacy or an emotional affair. It didn’t seem appropriate for two married people. He said I need to relax and just stop it and that all she is doing is saying ‘look at me’. He’s now in a strop about it.

I don’t think this is really appropriate but he is very vehemently telling me I’m being ridiculous. I gave up a couple of longstanding friendships with men, including a gay man, as he felt funny about them. And I would never send them selfies like that. I just wondered if I’m being over the top or if it is inappropriate.

Well I did ask him what he’d think if I was sending a married man photos of myself and he said he wouldn’t mind! (As in his mind they were innocent pictures) I’m pretty sure he’d actually find it a bit odd in reality. I didn’t see any actual messages, the pictures were on his camera roll which our child was looking at, so I pressume they had directly saved from WhatsApp.

I did get quite cross about him bringing the pub friend to stay over as well, I was shocked when he told us in the morning a man was downstairs! He just said that I didn’t know about being a good friend!

You need to ask him how he’d feel if you reconnected with those male friends you mentioned. Remind him you stopped those friendships bc of how they made him feel so ask if he will do the same. If he won’t I think you may have something to worry about and should reassess your relationship.

At the very least re-connect with your old friends as he will have no leg to stand on and there is no reason you can’t have valuable friendships back in your life.

He sounds awful, just get rid

He has no respect for you or your relationship, he chats to other women, hands out his number and calls you jealous when you complain.

Seriously a life alone is better than this disrespectful shit

This is just so wrong and inappropriate.

My now ex dh upped an left me for an ex he had reconnected with via Facebook. We had moved our whole lives from London to Norfolk 6 months earlier, been together 5 years at that point and was meant to be the start of the rest of our lives. Beautiful house etc. He added an ex he hasn’t spoken to for 7 years and 6 months later left me (and dd then aged 3ish) for her, moving back to London. Never saw or heard from him again. He’d been going to see this other woman when he went back to visit his Mum in London when I was working weekends! What a prince.

Im now happily remarried - been together 15 years now. There’s no way I’d put up with the way your dh is behaving. Total disrespect.

Oh gosh that’s awful, sorry to hear that happened. I’m glad you’ve since remarried to someone who deserves you.

I'd message her and ask her why she is sending her pictures to your husband? Then I'd tell your husband he has 3 options. 1. He behaves himself and stays faithful and you stay married. 2. You open the relationship so you can both fuck other people and stay married. 3. You separate and start talking about what divorce looks like. Unless you want 4. Do nothing and continue like this for another 20 years ??

Yeah, the problem is with what he’s saying is that — even if he did truly believe it and I’m sure he doesn’t — it makes what you two have so unspecial. If it’s ok to share all the intimacy in the world with other people, then what is the special thing shared between a couple? Just a bit of washing up. I hate his whole attitude. He’s really devaluing all the things a relationship is meant to contain by being so scattergun in his affections. You’re not his special person any more and he’s not yours, and you can feel it, can’t you.

Yes that’s exactly how it feels, it seems like I’m the role of housekeeper. I think this got a lot worse while I was a SAHM and he would be annoyed that the house was a mess when he came home as I hadn’t by then tidied away after tea so there would be toddler food and toys to tidy away. I tried to have it all done by the time he got home but wasn’t always possible. He felt I hadn’t kept my end of the deal to have all the cooking and cleaning done.

So he has this tone of someone managing a housekeeper at times. Plus I naturally do all the life admin and when we moved house I did literally everything, from the practical to logistical.

Step 1: Do a fact finding mission with a divorce solicitor.
Step 2: Get yourself back in employment or training to get into employment.
Step 3: Gather all the emotional support you need, a therapist, friends or family that are discreet and understanding.
Step 4: Leave and create a good life for yourself.

You are in an abusive relationship OP, but cannot yet see that. This man is emotionally abusive, manipulating and gaslighting you. I bet if you are a SAHM that he doesn't allow you to know the full picture about the family finances.

He is one of those men that like the thrill of cheating while having the comfort of a reliable partner at home, he will use his marriage as an excuse for why he cannot get serious with any of these other women, all while failing to be faithful to you either. Please get support for yourself to unravel what is happening in your marriage and get the happy life you really deserve.

Why did you stop seeing your friends because your h said he didn't like it?

And he is really out of order communicating with this woman.

Well we had moved away anyway but I gradually stopped texting. Occasionally one of them will text.

Do people class this as cheating if nothing physical has happened, and it’s all by text?

And is giving out your phone number and receiving texts after nights out classed as cheating even if you don’t stay in touch with them?

For me yes, it is opening the door to something inappropriate happening, it is a lack of respect for the committed relationship and the partner.

YABU

Especially asking him to block her! That's a bit extreme!

Friends send selfies, it's not unusual. I don't see why the gender of the friend makes a difference. As you say, they aren't sexual

but at home displays some narcissistic traits and low level emotional abuse at times.

This is the real issue.

It sounds like you're either in denial or just completely that unaware that he is pursuing other women and has more than likely cheated.
If he wanted her to go away, he would block her. He is actively encouraging his ex and I'd be surprised if he wasn't meeting up with her.

Housekeeper, childminder, chef…

Cheating is a little subjective round the edges. I have generally got a relaxed definition and I am not jealous. In my relationships I find porn and strip clubs to be acceptable.

My DP has a long term best friend who is a woman which is fine with me. I’ve met her, they’ve been friends for 10 years and never been intimate. My DP tells me when he’s been chatting to her … it’s obviously all above board.

I’d find my DP picking up girls in bars and getting their numbers to be cheating. If an ex started sending him selfies and/or flirty messages I’d expect him to tell her to stop, shut it down and have a “oh my god, you wouldn’t believe what ex sent me” conversation with me. Anything else I’d consider cheating. OF I consider cheating - it’s too personal.

If I was in your relationship I’d think my H was cheating on me and downplaying it.

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense. I don’t have any problem with him having female friends and going out after work with female colleagues etc
There just seems something off about this contact he’s having with his ex and the collecting of texts from women at the pub.

This has given me some validation and lots to think about, so thank you to everyone who has replied.

OF COURSE YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE.

YOU HAVE CAUGHT HIM.

Makes you give up friendships with men, but keeps up with his ex, keeps her suggestive pics, goes out with other women, is very handsome and charming bla bla bla ...

but you're on here wondering if you're being unreasonable because he has made you feel you are?

THIS IS CALLED GASLIGHTING.

Update
I read the messages between them as my husband left them open on the side and they are quite bad. Flirting, him declaring he wants her and her describing her attributes. At the same time he praises me and she questions this. Unfortunately she is great friends with his mum and it’s her who had put them in touch, all a bit of a mess. I’ve decided to keep quiet for now.

I really don't understand how you can stay in a relationship when you know he is telling another woman that he wants her.
And that's on top of his behaviour with other random women?

@HarissaVerde it sounds like you are completely numb right now. Those messages must have been horrible to read!
Why the hell has his mum pushed them together like this? It’s like a double betrayal.

Keep quiet?! My god. He would be out on his arse if he was married to me. How totally disrespectful.

Don’t keep quiet, go nuclear! For goodness sake, this is completely unacceptable for a married man.

Confront him on it!

She lives abroad where his mum also lives, so it’s all over text. I knew he had seen her last time he went to see his mum but didn’t think much of it as I know she is friends with his mum. I did question it at one point and he said I was crazy and jealous!