Is this financial abuse

[Liliana2323]

Hi, ill try to summarise as it's a long, 18yr story!

• met when I was 22, hubby was 30
• I had no assets, he had 2 rental properties
• he got made redundant and suggested a move to Europe, I gave up my career and followed him
• have both worked online for the last 15yrs
• he bought house we're in outright. Not a million pound villa but a 200k huge renovation project. Both funded the renovations, he has done a lot of physical work on and off over the last 10 years
• married with a prenup for his rental properties and the one we're living in
• I started new business 7yrs ago, doing well
• he hasn't worked for 18 months so far, nor done renovations (until a couple of weeks ago)
• house still needs a lot of work, still dont even have 1 fully functioning bathroom!

So the main issue here is that he is quite financially controlling. We use his personal account for day to day bills and expenses, or my business card. my business dividends goes 50/50 to our personal accounts (as he set himself up as a 50% shareholder), then I have to immediately transfer mine to his account. If I go to the supermarket (rare, as he took over that role), or away for a family visit in the UK (twice a year max), he gives me a spare card in his name. He has a couple of loans we effectively both pay + savings, pension, investments and the 2 cars are both in his name.

This arrangement never felt quite right but whenever ive tried in the past to broach the subject it turns nasty and nothing ever changes, despite promises to have a joint account, him to invest money for me, me to have a pension etc it never happens.

It has come to a head for me really as we're 5 months pregnant with a first, long awaited baby. For the first 4 months he didn't seem interested at all, in fact he was quite difficult to be around and we had a lot of arguments with him saying quite horrific things about me/us. I felt terrible, had to sleep on an ancient mattress in the spare room (he snores) and generally uncared for and unsupported. Since Christmas he has in general been quite nice, despite a couple of nasty arguments.

I am thinking of whether to leave or not because i'm panicking about the future, whether we'll stay together, will I end up a single mum in a foreign country with an unfair custody situation and struggling to make ends meet, or should I go back to the UK and my family and friends. If I stayed abroad and we then divorced, I wouldn't be allowed to move back to the UK with my baby, unless he agreed.

I suppose i'm just wondering if this is really classed as financial abuse? Or just a stupid situation which has developed over the years, unintentionally?

I think i'm a bit of a pushover with him and I hate conflict. He's quite loud and aggressive so I have avoided the issue but enough is enough now, with a baby and our future to consider. I tried to talk about my concerns a few nights ago, he shouted a lot, told me he paid for this house and I should be grateful etc but nothing has changed since financially.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts!

You have handled it perfectly.

He's helped himself so far, rather than you, hasn't he?

I feel so bad about leaving so suddenly. He reckons I should have talked to him and he'd have helped me.
How many years had you been asking for your own business account? How many years had you been asking for money? How many years had you been asking for support from him? Look back and see how many opportunities he had to make your life better. Look back and see how many times his anger affected you to the point you had to change as a person to survive. Stop feeling bad about the whole relationship and start therapy, you are still focused on his needs and his feelings rather than how scared and frightened he made you feel. His actions forced you to flee, and he deliberately chose those actions.

Wish id tried to handle it differently.
You can wish all you want but the main problem was he had boxed you into a corner. You couldn't have handled it differently because there was no other way. Everyone on this thread believes you had no choice, you were in survival mode. Thank goodness you had somewhere to go, and a real person on the ground who could facilitate that. That horse woman, and putting the care of your pets first , saved you.

If you hadnt left suddenly he might have physically prevented you leaving at all.

You need to do the Freedom programme and recognise that this is a standard abuser tactic. https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Be prepared for him to become very nasty when he gets your solicitor's letter.

You've had to do this to secure your position.

You had absolutely no choice because he's been a dinosaur.

Maybe this will wake him up and there'll be a way to forge a relationship again in the future but will you having an equal footing.

Pregnancy brings out all the need to protect. This is what you have done.

Please don't feel guilty. Feel proud of yourself and the gift you've given your daughter.

@Liliana2323 please re read your original post, I just have and it still shocks me the amount of control he had/has over you.

You've been so brave, but you are grieving in a way for the life that you wanted/expected.

My friend has just come out of a very controlling marriage, she has recently got a directors role, great salary & company car. her ExH can barely contain his jealousy or rage that she's doing so well without him.

You are right that he is now all very helpful sounding because you have left. You probably surprised him as you have been very conditioned into accepting the financial coercion and then with the baby born in France that would have been complete. From your previous post, it looked as if you have previously asked him for changes, which then never came about and you still stayed. So he probably thought you had finally accepted your position of being financially under his control.

You write as if you are still are very conditioned. You don’t trust in your feelings or your voice. That is to be expected and it’s understandable . But I would get some counselling and give yourself time to understand yourself and the relationship without being under pressure by him. You have been with this man since you were 22 and you probably stopped growing on an emotional level and fell into the mindset of elevating his voice in your mind as if you are a little girl and he is your dad.

@Summerhillsquare yes he has. It definitely got worse in the last couple of years. I still don't know if he was intentionally controlling to be horrible, or if he didn't quite realise how trapped I felt. Will probably never know. He blocked me on Facebook this evening, which has upset me. So stupid I know, as I made the decision. The end of an era. I just keep thinking about all the good times and wishing we could turn the clock back

@Hont1986 I know but I felt I had no choice really. Everything I did was/is reversible, if he would have admitted some fault and promised to change (id have needed the changes actioned and a contract re baby and me being allowed to leave France i.e. through Globalaark) but he obviously isn't prepared to do any of those, or doesn't actually care about me/us.

@HenndigoOZ yes, you're right. I often think of what he would say or do in certain circumstances. Also he's being ultra nice and portraying this kind, supportive image. Sometimes he was like that, he wasn't a total monster, but I need to keep reminding myself why I left. It's also like i'm getting the blame for everything and how much harder life will now be for both of us, when he drove me to do go to these lengths. Typical!

Hi everyone, well I haven't gone back, despite a number of wobbles (even today) as I miss the good times we had together and hopes for the future. So far he's being really nice and but of course no apology. I say nice but he has basically said he won't sign over his half of my business until the assets are sold as he wants 50% of them 🙄 he finally emailed the accountant today but I only saw a forwarded version I kept asking him for as he 'forgot' to cc me in. Everything at a snail's pace. I have been procrastinating about the solicitor sending her letter. I guess i'm scared of his reaction. Also the fact that it's irreversible. Although he'll be getting the court's divorce letter sometime next week, so I need to get it done. It's all just so sad. I thought i'd feel free and excited but i'm more sad and worried for the future

@Liliana2323 , I have read your posts and some of the advice you’ve been given so far. You’re amazing and yes, you have done the right thing. You know you have!
obviously it’s difficult at the moment and you are going to question yourself, but you will feel more grounded in a few days/weeks and you won’t have the wobbles you’re feeling now. That’s when you will be able to see the wood for the trees and will feel free.
At the moment this is all new and scary but with support you will get through it.
Do not contemplate going back to him. Sometimes we need to feel uncomfortable for a while before we land in a better place. 🌺

Send the solicitor’s letter so that he can show you what he is like when he is not being “nice”. You will gain a more rounded perspective of his personality. It is an important part of truly getting to know people and everyone should do this in the beginning of their relationships. I failed to do it at the beginning as a fellow people pleaser.

He is being nice because he is working behind the scenes (not copying you in on relevant emails) to get the most out of the split - 50% of your business. It’s not because he is being caring and loving.

He’s not being nice. Send the letter, you have a baby to provide for and he doesn’t get half your business.

He is not being kind or supportive. Please open your eyes. What do his actions show you?

“whenever ive tried in the past to broach the subject it turns nasty”

He’a awful. And yes, controlling and financially abusive. So glad you left, OP. It will get better. Well done.

You've got no idea what was in the original email before he forwarded it. He could have completely rewritten it for all you know. How is wanting 50% of YOUR business assets (cash presumably?) and 100% of HIS assets being nice? He's like a smiling assassin.

You’ve 100% done the right thing and of course you’re going to doubt your decision when you’ve had a life together. But you need to remember that things would have got much worse once the baby arrived. The being being phase never lasts, it’s just done to remind you he can be good sometimes. You’ve done amazing to leave him, for your own benefit do not go back. He can have a relationship with his child still, eventually school holidays etc

I say nice but he has basically said he won't sign over his half of my business until the assets are sold as he wants 50% of them
Of course he's being nice, he's after your money. Stop fooling yourself.

he finally emailed the accountant today but I only saw a forwarded version I kept asking him for as he 'forgot' to cc me in
You have no way of knowing if that is what he sent the accountant. It could be easily faked. Stop fooling yourself.

I have been procrastinating about the solicitor sending her letter. I guess i'm scared of his reaction.
You are in a different country. You are surrounded by people who love and care for you. What are you frightened of?

I thought i'd feel free and excited but i'm more sad and worried for the future
Of course you are sad. All your hopes and dreams for your future have been blown up. Unfortunately your hopes and dreams were not the same as his, and he was moulding you into his dream biddable slave (yes I did say slave rather than woman. Abusive men do not want a woman). You will never feel free and excited until you understand you have been controlled and manipulated until you have become a shadow of your former self. And for that you need the right therapy, and lots of time.

EDIT - oops, meant to clear quote before posting, sorry all.

OP, firstly, so very very well done, you brave and sensible woman. You did what you needed to DESPITE how painful it is.

The guilt and the sadness and the wistfulness and the loss of the person who knew you best hurts, I know. The dissonance of the good times makes you feel confused, but this is normal.

This man was abusive. It doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he meant to or not. It doesn't matter. He was abusive. You had to leave and you did. You left because he was abusive, as you should have done.

Now is time to think of you. You've taken a huge step to save yourself and act for yourself. Let this spread into every corner of your life. Be proud.

Many women make several attempts to leave their abuser because, like you, they remember the good times. They also fear for the future. He is demanding the assets of your business are sold and he gets 50% of them - why? And why do you think this is nice? Nice would be giving you back all the assets of the business YOU built up. What's he offering you from HIS assets - I bet I can answer that and it's a big fat zero.

@Liliana2323

Very well done to have made a physical escape to be with your lovely supportive parents - thank goodness you have them and their love in your life to give you the help you so badly need. And thank goodness you'd not already given birth as you might not have been able to leave.

Regarding your finances:

• what does your solicitor say about freezing your personal/business account? - Are there plans for you to have the services of a forensic accountant to get more information about not just his finances, but yours?
• Are you able to contact your bank to open another, completely separate account, with just you having access and funds going into it - and to which he has no access?

You have been incredibly strong to survive the abusive and coercive behaviour for so long and brave to have planned and executed your departure. Hold on and continue to take good advice. I wonder whether Women's Aid can give you further advice - maybe check in with them in case they can help you.

My best wishes for continued strength to deal with this situation- do t rely on him being your friend. He's shown very little sign of it in the last decade and a half.. 🌹

How are you OP?

@Loveallaroundyou hi, thanks for asking. Sorry ive been so quiet. So much to sort out and up and down emotionally! Last week I was getting nowhere with him signing his share of my business to me, so my solicitor wrote to him and has 14 days to respond with financial disclosure etc and her request for him to transfer the share. The day after he received it, he filed for divorce in France. So it's becoming a lot more complicated as the French are sooo slow to deal with anything and the proposed hearing isnt until June! 3 weeks before due date.

All in limbo really, thank goodness I can stay with my mum and dad for a bit, although I will need my independence at some point.

Hubby called me earlier with his idea that he does up part of the French house/barn for me to use so I can visit with baby for months at a time, he even suggested 6 months at one point! Says he really misses me and wishes none of this had happened. Still hasn't given me my share back though lol 🙄

Keep your eye on the prize, OP. The whole thing is going to take a long time to unpick and resolve and there's going to be times when he seems reasonable and you feel optimistic, and times when he's a cunt and reminds you exactly why you left him. Just keep plugging on, darling. Keep reminding yourself you're a hero.