Is this financial abuse

[Liliana2323]

Hi, ill try to summarise as it's a long, 18yr story!

• met when I was 22, hubby was 30
• I had no assets, he had 2 rental properties
• he got made redundant and suggested a move to Europe, I gave up my career and followed him
• have both worked online for the last 15yrs
• he bought house we're in outright. Not a million pound villa but a 200k huge renovation project. Both funded the renovations, he has done a lot of physical work on and off over the last 10 years
• married with a prenup for his rental properties and the one we're living in
• I started new business 7yrs ago, doing well
• he hasn't worked for 18 months so far, nor done renovations (until a couple of weeks ago)
• house still needs a lot of work, still dont even have 1 fully functioning bathroom!

So the main issue here is that he is quite financially controlling. We use his personal account for day to day bills and expenses, or my business card. my business dividends goes 50/50 to our personal accounts (as he set himself up as a 50% shareholder), then I have to immediately transfer mine to his account. If I go to the supermarket (rare, as he took over that role), or away for a family visit in the UK (twice a year max), he gives me a spare card in his name. He has a couple of loans we effectively both pay + savings, pension, investments and the 2 cars are both in his name.

This arrangement never felt quite right but whenever ive tried in the past to broach the subject it turns nasty and nothing ever changes, despite promises to have a joint account, him to invest money for me, me to have a pension etc it never happens.

It has come to a head for me really as we're 5 months pregnant with a first, long awaited baby. For the first 4 months he didn't seem interested at all, in fact he was quite difficult to be around and we had a lot of arguments with him saying quite horrific things about me/us. I felt terrible, had to sleep on an ancient mattress in the spare room (he snores) and generally uncared for and unsupported. Since Christmas he has in general been quite nice, despite a couple of nasty arguments.

I am thinking of whether to leave or not because i'm panicking about the future, whether we'll stay together, will I end up a single mum in a foreign country with an unfair custody situation and struggling to make ends meet, or should I go back to the UK and my family and friends. If I stayed abroad and we then divorced, I wouldn't be allowed to move back to the UK with my baby, unless he agreed.

I suppose i'm just wondering if this is really classed as financial abuse? Or just a stupid situation which has developed over the years, unintentionally?

I think i'm a bit of a pushover with him and I hate conflict. He's quite loud and aggressive so I have avoided the issue but enough is enough now, with a baby and our future to consider. I tried to talk about my concerns a few nights ago, he shouted a lot, told me he paid for this house and I should be grateful etc but nothing has changed since financially.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts!

and the proposed hearing isnt until June! 3 weeks before due date.

Do you have to personally attend or can you send a representative, or is it just a formality and nobody attends? If you have to attend get it pushed back so your baby isn't accidentally born in a different country, which may be his intention.

So glad to hear you are still at your parents house

Personally I would be telling him that until he gives me my business back there will be absolutely zero visits as a bare minimum.
Not that I would be visiting anyway!

@AutumnFroglets thank you, yes I did wonder what would happen if I was there and she was born early! Luckily I don't think I have to be there but I would be represented. He's being extra nice at the moment, in fact he has been surprisingly nice since I left. I am suspicious of course, it's either an act or he's genuine, i'll never know!

@Moidershewrote earlier today on a call, he admitted that he had taken legal advice when he saw that i'd filed in the UK and that he was advised to quickly file in France. So he knows the potential outcome isn't 100% in his control at the moment. Perhaps why he's being nice. Such a shame that I can't trust what he's saying. He was also told not to transfer over my business yet 🙄

The stupid thing is that i've often wished (particularly in the few days following me leaving), that he'd beg me to come back and promise to change 🙈

Obviously I mean with the changes happening before I gave him another chance

Does your solicitor understand French law? It would be good if you got an independent opinion about your business and the pre-nups with his buildings.

For example in the UK pre-nups can be set aside if the judge doesn’t consider them to be fair.

Your ex is being nice I suspect because he wants to ensure he comes off best financially. If he was truly nice he would at least give you 100% of your business, just as he is trying to keep 100% of the properties.

Hmm I’d be suspicious if it’s him telling you ‘I’ve been advised not to hand over the business’. That’s probably a lie - I’d be asking for that ‘advice’ in writing from his legal rep.

Other than to fuck with you / drain you and your baby of more funds, what other possible legal reason would he need to keep your business?

He can easily just make shit up, he’s been doing it for years.

Also agree with PP, he’s being nice as he still thinks there is a chance you will capitulate and/or because if you don’t he’s planning to retain as much of the finances/estate as he can so he can continue to do fuck all and get paid for it.

Any normal person, who had a new baby would be here like a shot, wanting to be a father, regardless of divorce proceedings.

OP, don’t be sucked into this Mr Nicey bullshite..

@Moidershewrote I think it'll be used as leverage against anything else my lawyer tries to get me.....yeah, not the actions of a decent person but he feels wronged as I abandoned him suddenly I suppose

@Moidershewrote yep he definitely wants me to have as little as possible, regardless of our baby and the fact ill have to work whilst on maternity and beyond just to make ends meet, whilst he swans around with 3 huge houses and barely doing a thing 🙄

He’s a lazy, cocklodger type who is all about preserving the status quo for himself.

I mean, he now has a child and yet, you’d never know it from how he’s acting.

Very, very selfish, entitled man!

@Moidershewrote yep! The angry man reappeared today, after trying to butter me up with promises if I would agree to his terms, he then received a letter today which woke him up to the fact that I wasn't just going to roll over, so he called me to have a go. My sister was with me so I put it on speaker, he just ranted and wouldn't let me get a word in edgeways (the usual!) So now it's all going to turn nasty.....😬

@Moidershewrote he also claimed not to know I had filed for divorce in the UK, despite having told me yesterday that he had taken advice that he must file quickly in France and he told me last week that he'd received my solicitor's letter. Either he's losing it, or he is playing games. I've wondered for a while if the excess drinking is messing with his mental function, as some things he has said and done in recent months have been a bit odd, seems v forgetful at times but I thought it was just selective 😅

You need a good memory to pull off lies so I suspect your DH is just the usual, run of the mill, lying bullshitter that so many women seem to marry (myself included), the types who have conned those around them. Grifters. Cocklodgers. He's not that special.

Now solicitors have been activated it might be prudent to keep all contact with him via text, letter or email. You need proof and a paper trail. Stop answering the phone, take screenshots of all texts or WhatsApp were he can delete. Protect yourself.

He was stringing you along so he could file in France before you filed for divorce here. But that didnt work. Record any calls and any rants, they could be useful. Get your baby's birth registered here as quickly as possible and then get them a passport so he cant do that without your knowledge and remove the baby.

Wondering how you are getting on OP?

I hope things are going ok for you OP.

Hope you have managed to extract your business from him. If not start a new one and let all clients know what you have done.

Hi, sorry I haven't been on here for a while. There have been so many things going on. Baby is doing well, all looking perfect and on-track for her arrival in July! I'm still living with my parents, although I have found somewhere small and homely to rent in my sister's town, where I think me, baby and my dog will be happy. I'm a bit torn about whether to stay with my parents for longer or to move on. I can always go between the two though if needed. I have 3 good friends near my parent's house but the area is full of old memories! The new place is 2 hour's drive from my MIL which is appealing and means when I see my husband it will be more on my terms, not just him and his mother dropping by together and making me feel uncomfortable. The area is quieter and more rural which I like and cheaper to keep my 2 ponies.

Of course my husband is dragging the financial disclosure and settlement out. By UK law we should have agreed finances by the end of July but he's trying to get it heard in France to get a better deal for himself, and the court date isn't until the end of June.

I'm not sure if he really thinks he did anything that bad, and it's been playing on my mind as some of the first things he said to me were "im not a monster", "you're not a victim", "you could have talked to me" etc etc and he still says he doesn't really understand my reasons for leaving. Makes me question my whole reality of course but I was so upset and properly in flight mode, so it must have been THAT bad, surely!

Also he's still trying to exert control over me financially. I cant get him off my business although my solicitor has requested it as part of her proposed settlement. He's not sent me a penny for living or baby items and is keeping a careful eye on my business bank account as he keeps reporting my cash flow 🙄 also he's kept all joint savings but I understand he does have some costs for running the house, although he made me leave it!

It really is that bad op. It still is. He is contributing nothing at all to his baby and he thinks that’s fine. Why can’t you have the joint savings? You have living costs too. You have living costs and a tiny baby. Half of those are yours (morally just about all of it is). Can you push getting him out of the business faster, and getting access to the savings? Can you go around him to the bank if they are joint?

It doesn't matter if he understands why you left. It doesn't matter if he says you are not a victim or he's not a monster. It. Does. Not. Matter.

What matters is that you made a midnight flit with the help of a "rescue" person. The fact you felt this was the only option left to you shows that it really was that bad. Most women don't do that (or feel the need). You did.

Can you get another solicitor's advice regarding your business? Preferably one who understands financial abuse as contested divorces can go on for years. It's not sustainable that he can interfere with your business. At the very least find out how to get him off the bank account - that doesn't mean off the business as that is for the judge to decide, who will require bank statements anyway so it's not like you will be able to hide/change anything.

But if he is "not a monster" he certainly is a pretty bad man and you are his victim. He is not supporting his child financially, trying to deny you the means to support your child, denying you access to your business. Apart from not trying to physically harm you what's the difference between him and a monster? You left because he was abusive and controlling and abusive controlling men never want to admit their behaviour was bad.

You did talk to him, he didnt listen to you. He's still emotionally and financially abusing you.

His costs for running his house are nothing to do with you.

Thanks everyone! I spoke to him briefly today. He's apparently been advised not to speak to me but he said he wanted us to be on good terms and communicating. I never know if he's being genuine or playing games. Apparently he's struggling with anxiety (not like him) and isn't really going out much. He was being nice and friendly. Said he hasn't looked at my solicitor's counter proposal (sent on the 10th April!) as his solicitor has been on holiday. not sure I believe that or not, surely he couldn't resist seeing it for almost 3 weeks?! The UK side are getting fed up with being ignored so he's not doing himself any favours.

I do feel really sad about it all. We were supposed to be going on a baby moon around now. I wanted us to raise her together but it's all just gone horribly wrong. I know he brought it on himself but I still feel selfish for putting myself and my future security first, im not really used to doing this kind of thing! I won't buckle don't worry, just feeling sad about it all

Glad things are settling on the UK side and the pregnancy still going well. You must be looking so forward to meeting your baby face to face.

He is being the selfish one, keeping as much as he can of your business, keeping the properties to himself and not providing for your jointly conceived child. You are obviously a lovely, giving person, even now still worrying that you are being selfish.

I actually forgot that you were both married, as I had drifted into thinking you were unmarried partners only, hence the reason for him not wanting to settle you a single penny. It is unusual in divorce (maybe not in France?) to keep all property assets to yourself and keep half of your spouse’s business.

This will be the reason he is stonewalling you with the financial settlement. He wants you to give up, essentially, while at the same time pulling your heartstrings with his newly diagnosed anxiety, which hopefully from his point of view, will cause you to back off out of guilt and worry.

Yes I think that it probably should now just be discussion between the solicitors, as they have the technical legal expertise. It will be his solicitor’s job to tell him what the applicable French law is and advise him to settle where appropriate. The pre-nups for example could be set aside if a child is on the scene. That’s something that your ex probably wouldn’t tell you but the solicitors would be aware of. At least he won’t be able to emotionally manipulate you with his anxiety etc.