Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

Let him be offended then. Does he give a shit if he offends or upsets you? Thought not. Tell him no and don’t engage further.

So many red flags

To be fair, DV starts out very subtly and this IS exactly how it starts, with threats to end the relationship if you don’t do whatever it is that he wants to do, sulking, making you nervous about how he’s going to react if you keep boundaries.

it’s not a leap at all, it’s already unhealthy and will develop into ever more unhealthy territory

at this stage in a (normal/safe) relationship it would still be relaxed and chilled, it wouldn’t be feeling like your relationship is.

You know you need to get shut of this man, don't you?

He's threatened the relationship to get his own way, takes you away from your family.

Seriously just do it.

It's not working for you. Wish him luck.

Put some cctv up and install an alarm at home cos he may not take bye for an answer.

Bloody hell OP, just dump him. You're going around in circles with your responses. Why oh why do women put up with this level of crap from men? Are you really that desperate for a relationship?

This doesn’t sound a healthy relationship and you shouldn’t be scared to tell him things. You are best off out.

Massive red flag. MASSIVE.

LTB. But get some help lined up first. It rings stalking alarm bells in me.

Do not hesitate to call the police at any point if he takes it badly. Tell your friends what you plan to do. Get some advice from a DV charity.

You need to say NO
OP you also need to end this .
Go see your family abs maybe then you will
find strength to end it .

It’s clear signs of early coercive control.

Nagging, not accepting no, not allowing you to make your own decisions, sulking etc.

Run for your child’s sake.

The very fact that you're stressing about saying no to him should tell you all you need to know.

Ditch him and go an enjoy some time with your family. It’s only been 8 months and he’s already controlling you and making you doubt your decisions? Huge red flags, it will only get worse.

And people are saying ‘abusive, controlling etc…’ because many of us have experienced it. It doesn’t get better, it gets worse, soon he will stop you from seeing friends, will not let you go anywhere alone, make you feel guilty for wanting time to yourself and if you let this man into your DC’s lives he will control the time you spend with them too.

Sulking is the worst thing, you should not be pandering to him. Dump him unless you want to tread on eggshells for the rest of your life

Huge red flags at him trying to stop you having time alone with your family - it’s often a tactic used by abusive men to isolate women. It means women are less able to share things which their family might highlight as being abusive.

But also, look at what you have written here - you are scared of telling him. That is not normal in a decent relationship. And the problem is him, not you, no matter what he might say.

Please leave him - it will only get worse. And as the abuse ramps up, your DC will be affected too. So do it for them as well as you.

So you are scared of him/his reaction?

So that's it really isn't it?

this is really bad

He's gaslighting you. You want to spend precious time with your DC and mum....this is not OK however he tries to dress it up.

Maybe he wants to meet your Mum? If it’s just for one day I don’t see an issue with it. Surely it would be nice for him to get to know her too.

Just end it. You are scared of communicating your needs with him and you feel something's off with him. Don't waste more time with him.

End it and keep him away from your children. He sounds completely unhinged.

Because this is how it starts a lot of the time.

Seriously? I don't want to be horrible but ffs know your worth and find some sense to listen to your instincts and what everyone's telling you.
I know it's hard and you already feel trapped if you can't say no or feel bad saying no so take people's advice and finish it now. It's controlling and coercive and even if it doesn't come to domestic violence it is domestic abuse so stop it now!

When you said he wants to meet during your family holiday I imagined you all met up and went, I dont know to the beach together and had a meal together. Not that you leave your family who came from overseas to meet you and the children for a day and a night. That sounds bizzare to me.

It depends what kind of person op is. Some people are always nervous about saying no.

I must say I am not that clear about what’s going on here. I don’t immediately see it as an issue of control as others do, but this seems to resonate with op so I assume there is something to it.

I hadn’t seen this post. I agree.

Listen to this feeling- it's your gut telling you to stay away from him.