Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

8 months into a relationship and you are nervous of telling him you want to spend time with your family and he has not been happy when things dont go his way… this doesnt bode well …. Honestly you should end it. He doesnt respect your feelings or boundaries.

More red flags that a Hitler Rally! (Godwin's law - apologies)

Just tell him "NO!" Let him take offence. (And remember - offence is TAKEN, not given. He can choose whether or not to be shirty about this.)

He is ruining your time with your family, and destroying the dynamic.

If he pulls the "Spontaneous" card, trump him with the 'I like organisation card". If he doesn't like its, he knows what he can do.

If he's behaving like this now - making you choose between him (a bloke you've known for 8 months and who you see almost every day) and your family - people you've known and loved all of your life and don't see as often as you'd like) - if he's behaving like this now, then it will only get worse and worse. The odds are you'll find yourself increasingly isolated from family and friends until there is only him.

Huge warning lights flashing here.

I can understand you feeling freaked out. You thought something was off and you felt a bit uncomfortable but then a load of strangers jumped on your post going on about abuse and domestic violence.

It probably felt as if everyone was being overly dramatic.
I'm glad you're going to read up on this, because those posts are correct.

DV does not always include physical violence. They're are other ways of hurting a person other than hitting them.
Coercive control is insidious, harder to pin point, because it leaves no visible mark. But it's real and it's very damaging. Those feelings you're getting, that's your instincts talking you that his behaviour is wrong.
Please listen to your instinct, they are right!

And remember, you don't owe him any explanation for anything you do or don't do. If you decide not to met him, you don't need to explain why. If you decide to break up with him, you don't need to explain why. When you give people like him reasons, the more they will have to manipulate you with. They'll make promises not to do that again. Then they'll suck you back into their control!

This tells you everything you need to know - you are anxious about confronting him.

You should never be frightened to raise something with someone who supposedly cares for you, but you are.

I can't tell you to get rid of him - only you can make that decision - but I can warn you to be very, very wary - and to take the bull by the horns and just be frank with him. Sort your boundaries while you still can.

This. ⬆

Listen to this, and all of the others who are warning you.

Just say no, op! Let him sulk.

Eight months is nothing in a relationship. Think about his behavior, and if you want THAT behavior (and worse) on your tail for the next 20 years?
You have the right to go see your Mom or go anywhere you wish without his presence interfering.

Too many red flags of wanting to be possessive and controlling.

The things he says and his sulks when he doesn't get "his way" is a form of coercive control, and it is a form of domestic abuse.

I'm glad you have said you won't meet up with him but be sure to follow through and give a serious thought to this "relationship" where he sulks and wants to monopolize your life. You deserve better.

I am SO glad that you haven't yet introduced him to your children yet - well done for taking it slowly (just as a matter of interest, is he pushing to meet them?)

But them not having met him will make it easier to go forward from a position of strength. He can't use them against you or manipulate them.

I would just say, no, it’s family time. Any argument from him then say it’s not appropriate for your family to be meeting an ex-partner and then make him your ex! Please, you are worth so much more than this and if you’re scared to say no, then that is not good. Then block him!

Maybe the reason you haven't introduced him to your DC was the underlying gut feeling you have had about him.

Have you completely failed to understand the controlling and abusive behaviours he has shown?

Even his family apparently told him it was a red flag he hadn’t met my dc

If his family (genuinely - he could be spinning a line) are also keen for him to meet your DC and for your relationship to steamroll forwards, that tells you something.

It tells you that they want him off their hands because he is causing problems in their lives, and they want to psh him onto somebody else. Yes - really.

I've seen this more than once.Anyone with even half a brain knows that were there are children involved the couple need to take things very carefully no matter how sure they are about their feelings fr each other. If anything, family should be saying things like "Don't forget - Freddo's children are young and emotionally vulnerable. They can't cope with people popping in and out of their lives. Wait until the two of you are really sure about your feelings before you try to meet the/ form a relationship with them"

There is a whole warren full of rabbits off here.

And you say he always rushes into relationships - how do you know this?

How long do these rushed relationships last?

Do you want to be the next one in a long line of discarded women?

OP, I see you are panicking a little due to some of the posts. It can help to see abusive and controlling behaviour on a scale? The world of men isn't neatly divided into lovely ones who fully respect your boundaries and all times, and violent sadistic domestic terrorists (in a way it would be easier if it was!) - men can inhibit differing degrees of controlling behaviour, and this may even change during the relationship.

Typically, controlling men will be less obviously controlling to begin with and ramp it up as the relationship develops, you move in etc. At the moment your BF's behaviour is relatively low key - he is pushing for meet ups, being a bit stalky (I also feel sorry for his mate here, being randomly driven across the county for no reason), sulking. These are bad but perhaps not exactly abusive. But posters are predicting, from experience, that these traits would likely escalate if you moved in with him for example.

That doesn't mean he would definitely progress to violence. Some do, many don't. None of us can confidently say he will. But really, that's neither here nor there - it's an early relationship, you don't sound that keen, your kids haven't met him yet - why not swap him for somebody who does not display any of these worrying traits? (And i'm not saying anyone is perfect, and we can all fuck up sometimes. But with your bf this definitely is a pattern of controlling actions and behaviours).

How old are you? He doesn't get to "let you" do anything. You decide to do it and go ahead. If he doesn't like it he can sling his hook. Don't be so wet.

You feeling like this should tell you all you need to know about the relationship; it's not in a good place. If it's like this after 8 months, you need to cut your losses and run.

Trust your instinct OP, and everyone else’s! Just end it with this person. You don’t need this in your life. Stick to your boundaries and trusting yourself. Good luck.

First he is trying to control you when you see your mum, next it will be your kids, he will be trying to get you to distance yourself from them, telling you to let someone else watch them.

Walk away Op and don’t look back, you have said yourself he has threatened the relationship when things don’t go his way, that’s when you should have said “see ya”.

See him for what he is ….a manipulative controlling twat, he will get worse, trust all of us, we have said the same thing.

I didn’t see it as so extreme until I’ve been away a day or so

This isn't a coincidence. He is pushing for extremely regular contact to ensure you don't have a chance to step back and reflect properly on what's happening. You can't boil the frog if the frog gets out of the water for an entire week and then has to get back into it again.

I'm interested to know if you booked the week with your mum deliberately to coincide with his trip away, precisely to avoid this conflict you now find yourself in.

When I'm dating a man, in the first few months I make it clear I want to meet them once or twice a week, I have my life to live, I am not giving up all my free time to some entitled, domineering fucking man, if they don't like it they can find somewhere else to stick their cock.

It's because they've only been dating eight months and he hasn't even met her DC yet.

Far too pushy and the fact you feel nervous about saying no to him shows this is not a healthy relationship.

It's incredibly controlling and real men don't sulk and dump you when you don't do as you are told. For God's sake dump this loser. He ll start on your kids next.

The visit in itself isn't a red flag. It's possible that his intentions are good.

However, this part is very concerning -

"I actually feel nervous at the thought of saying no"

That is not a sign of a healthy relationship. You need to trust your gut. It's probably right.

It's possible that his intentions are good.

Keep in mind, though, @PerfectTravelTote that he hasn't yet been introduced to OP's dc. So it isn't possible for him just to rock up and join the group. Either OP has to introduce him to her dc or she has to leave her own holiday to spend time with him elsewhere, which is what she's done in the past.

Saying no. Setting your boundaries. Giving him a chance to see from your perspective the purpose of your trip to see your mum and supporting you in that. Allowing space from each other and not being in a strop about it.

By saying no you are giving him an opportunity to demonstrate all of the above. Let him have this test and see if he passes. Ditch him if he doesn't, it will only get worse. (Think, not being allowed to see your mum in future or only when he comes too.)

You are not unreasonable to want a week with your family. Do not ignore the huge massive red flag!