Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

The fact that you've posted this, suggests that you feel uncomfortable with the idea of saying no.

That is a red flag. Why does the idea of saying no make you feel uncomfortable?

It COULD be that you're just a bit of a people pleaser who isn't very good at being assertive. Or it COULD be that you know he'll make things weird if you say no.
Only you know the answer here.

Clear coercive control. Run 🏃‍♂️

Why did you agree to this and be persuaded? You need to work on boundaries and not needing to be stitched to him. This must've been 5 months in to relationship? Madness

As a one off, maybe
twice in 8 months, nah

but as you rightly point out, the fact that you’re worried about telling him speaks volumes

you need to tell him you don’t want him to come, give him the benefit of the doubt if you want to but if he does anything other than totally back down and apologise, dump him. Or just dump him anyway.

Life is too short for dealing with this.

After 8 months he’s shown you the future. Get out now before it becomes 8 years and you are tied to each other and it’s even more difficult. In another year you will potentially be isolated from your friends/family because of his “sulking”. Don’t let that happen.

This.

I stopped doing so many things when I was with my ex because he huffed, and argued and sulked if I did what I wanted not what he wanted. In his own words, when I “disobeyed” him. It became easier not to push back and I became a shell of my former self.

This is a new relationship, you don’t live together, you have no shared children - run now. Seriously, I know this seems like an extreme measure and I’m sure in many ways he’s lovely, but he’s already showing huge red flags and this will only get worse. You deserve better.

All this drama for someone you've only been dating for 8 months is excessive. Maybe he's just very insecure, but you should always trust your gut, and if you've got a niggling feeling something is not quite right with this guy, you don't have to find a way to explain it, just believe it and dump him.

You should be able to have a family holiday with your child and mum without the guy you're dating inviting himself along. And, as you've said, the fact you're worried about telling him no does speak volumes. Be strong. Tell him no, you just want some quality time with your mum and DC.

Your boyfriend of 8 months is a controlling weirdo who will only get worse. Do yourself and your kids a favour and bin him before he starts telling you that your leaving the house or talking to other people makes him sad, and before he lashes out at you because 'you upset me'.

Eight months in and he’s already trying to control what you do when he’s not with you. Huge, huge red flag. You’re also nervous about saying no to him - does this happen a lot ? If you carry on this relationship things will only get worse. I’d end it now.

If he plans it in advance, how is it spontaneous?

Just tell him this. If he can't accept or understand your need to have some independence in a relationship, then you are not right for each other.

He sounds needy and insecure.

Agree with this. Its an excellently written post.

Sulking is incredibly unattractive. If he tries that tactic, tell him so and that grown-ups accept that other adults are entitled to their own views and wishes.

Fuck's sake. This is unbelievably childish behaviour. Who needs that in their life?

Time to get rid and enjoy living your life without this nonsense.

@freddosarebest please do end things with this man. After only 8 months he should not be getting to dictate who you and your child spend time with. he needs to accept your wish to spend time apart. Even to me, who is usually very naive when it comes to 'red flags', it sounds as though you would be better off leaving him. It doesn't make you 'horrible'. If he's this possessive with you after less than a year what on earth will he be like as your child grows up and inevitably needs you more. He sounds like he can't cope without being number 1 in your life and he never will be.

Because he is trying to control you, each time you push back his reaction will get worse. At the moment he is just sulking, and already you are trying to avoid “upsetting” him.
He is trying to divide you from your family, he is in no position to tell you not to go so is inserting himself into the situation and claiming your attention.

PLEASE run as fast as you can.

I think that sums it up. Not wrong for him to suggest seeing you, wrong to not accept it doesn't work for you. It is that simple isn't it.

He always says he feels like he’s not in my life properly and I know he will say that again.

That's fine. Tell him he's not going to be in your life at all.

I think I need to end it. My dc really need me and like spending exclusive time with me and I don’t want to change that. They are my number 1. I am independent and I just don’t need a man that much. It’s why I left my ex, it was spoiling my and dc’s lives. My ex was v different to this guy but also destructive. Best case, I think this guy is insecure and needs to be no1, which is ok I guess but not for me, he shouldn’t have dated a single mum with her own life going on. I’m already dreading the poor-me call/email today and I just cba.

You are finding it difficult to say no because you know you're already walking on eggshells to please him and scared of his reaction if you don't. A lot of the posters are underlining words such as coercive control, abuse because they have experienced it and know what happens next and it only gets worse. You are clearly not thinking about yourself but for the sake of your children, at least think about them and end this relationship to protect them.

Deep down your gut instinct is telling you and showing you the red flags which is why you have posted. You know what to do op, protect yourself and your kids and end the relationship.

Be strong Op. This is emotional abuse. I watched my Mum treated like this for most of her life. Her freedom came when he died. Don't be scared, just be firm. Don't let him persuade you to let him back in your life. Whatever you do, don't let him in your house, not because I think he will beat you up, but because he'll still be sitting on your sofa trying to manipulate you 4 hours later.

@Suchagroovyguy no not at all. I am a social worker who has worked with many victims of domestic abuse, with abusive males and with women on domestic violence programmes and facilitated training. He does not sound abusive at all or controlling, he sounds a little manipulative. These terms are bandied around, as is the term red flag by people with little knowledge or experience who get their information from instagram. He sounds emotionally immature, I imagine he has an anxious attachment pattern and he is playing this out in this relationship. They appear to want different things and instead of addressing it in discussion like adults they are playing games. Having emotions and not managing them effectively in relationships does not necessarily make you controlling and certainly not abusive. She needs to lay out what she wants. Perhaps he feels she is stringing him along if she hasn’t wanted him to meet her children yet and I wonder if he has met her family. Perhaps he compares himself unfavorably to the ex because that relationship moved faster. It seems to me he is insecure in the relationship and expressing it in all the wrong ways. Relationships are a two way process. Having emotions and also some insecurities in a relationship is normal, it is how you then communicate between you, he is resorting to childish games. Asking about meeting during holiday isn’t abusive by any stretch, people are so over dramatic. And it is barely controlling, an adult could say no and they should be able to discuss this not come online. Their needs/wants do not seem to compliment one another.

I made it clear to you that I’m looking forward to going away with my dc for the week to meet up with my mum and that I would see you when I got back. You are welcome to drive all that way with your friend of course, but no, I won’t be seeing you while I’m away and I won’t be discussing this again. Just to make things clear for you, - my family are my priority.

Let him go OP, then you can stop worrying about his toxic attitude and enjoy your family without stress.

I know it's been said loads already but it is odd you are together 8 months, even if it was 8 years it's OK to spend time alone with your mum/ DC.

The biggest sign all isn't well though is that you are dreading telling him. I'm not sure I am getting a controlling feel from this as much as a very needy one. Which as you pointed out, as a single mum he is never going to be your no 1

OP I agree you should end it for the reasons you stated. Not because he is abusive because he clearly isn’t, but because you obviously want different things and have different priorities and commitments. Young children do need their mother all the time and should be number 1 so that is great you see that. I think it is hard for people without children to fully comprehend that, like with anyone they want to feel special in a relationship, his insecurities are clearly meaning he needs more reassurance and more than you are able to give. Good luck.