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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

804 replies

freddosarebest · 21/02/2024 22:05

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

OP posts:
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Original poster
freddosarebest · 26/02/2024 22:28

Thanks for the replies. I feel like I have no sense of whether he is abusive, manipulative, wrong, right, loving, cruel…. Or at least it swings back and forth and I feel so crazy. He always says he feels like he doesn’t know me at all, despite me sharing some of my deepest secrets, but actually do I know him? Yes he is rigid. All the things in his flat are lined up perfectly even the fridge magnets, I read a book about Chris watts the family murderer and it said his house was just like that, incredibly ocd. He goes to the gym for 2 hours at 5am every day. He won’t eat meat, fish, dairy, anything processed. He hates spending any money. I guess this rigidity manifests on the outside as well as the inside. He does scare me sometimes but I can’t even say why, he’s not physically intimidating. It’s just a feeling. I just question how I got caught up in this. I feel like I was literally targeted and pursued like a prey. And now the discard. I feel so so ashamed of myself.

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 26/02/2024 22:34

I feel like I have no sense of whether he is abusive, manipulative, wrong, right, loving, cruel…. Or at least it swings back and forth and I feel so crazy

We all told you he was abusing you. Every single one. If you won't believe any of us will you believe a national helpline? Call women's aid and ask them.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

I need help - information and support on domestic abuse

Not sure if you're experiencing abuse? Worried about someone else? If you or a friend need help, we are here. Learn more about our information and support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support

MrsOvertonsWindow · 26/02/2024 22:35

freddosarebest · 26/02/2024 22:28

Thanks for the replies. I feel like I have no sense of whether he is abusive, manipulative, wrong, right, loving, cruel…. Or at least it swings back and forth and I feel so crazy. He always says he feels like he doesn’t know me at all, despite me sharing some of my deepest secrets, but actually do I know him? Yes he is rigid. All the things in his flat are lined up perfectly even the fridge magnets, I read a book about Chris watts the family murderer and it said his house was just like that, incredibly ocd. He goes to the gym for 2 hours at 5am every day. He won’t eat meat, fish, dairy, anything processed. He hates spending any money. I guess this rigidity manifests on the outside as well as the inside. He does scare me sometimes but I can’t even say why, he’s not physically intimidating. It’s just a feeling. I just question how I got caught up in this. I feel like I was literally targeted and pursued like a prey. And now the discard. I feel so so ashamed of myself.

It's interesting that you're still talking about him . I get that there are some tough messages from posters but have you noticed that you gloss over them in favour of talking about him? Your last post was mainly about him - his flat, his daily habits, his diet etc.
Seriously now - have your children or your Mum had a similar amount of attention / emotional energy spent on them in the last week?

crockofshite · 26/02/2024 22:37

freddosarebest · 26/02/2024 21:32

He jsut always makes me feel like the toxic one. So uncaring and selfish and cold. He also said that if we carried on with the bad communication he would get “colder and meaner” and it’s the kind of thing that would “make him walk out on our family”. That stuff is not normal to say?? He blames these type of comments on his absuive childhood. Always his excuse. I feel like I’ve done something terrible when all I did was go on holiday without him and not call him every day. Is this fucking normal?! I know it isn’t.

Of course it's not normal.

Come on, you know this guy is a fruit cake, a manipulative, sulky, guilt tripping fruit cake.

Quickly call time on this farce of a 'relationship' before he magnanimously decides he's going to give you another chance or you'll end up stuck with him and you'll be utterly miserable.

Run run run...

Sceptical123 · 26/02/2024 22:37

Early on in this thread I thought of Ted Bundy. Now I know why.

This guy sounds like a serial killer in the making.

wronginalltherightways · 26/02/2024 22:38

He's abusive. He's abusive. He's abusive.

Block him on everything. IF he gets around it, tell him you will go to the police and report him for harassment/stalking.

I couldn't even read all of that ... RUN!

Zoreos · 26/02/2024 22:40

OP, you’ve been told a hundred times over that this man is abusive and toxic. You know this is all mind games and lies to keep you reeled in. He doesn’t love you, care about you or respect you one little bit and never, ever will. He only cares about himself and how he can feed off of you. He has openly admitted he expects you to put him in front of your child and would feel pushed out and aggrieved if you showed them more attention than him. What on gods earth are you playing at? Wise up OP and fast. At the moment you still have the tools and free will to be rid of him and have received lots of amazing advice. At this point you’re now purposely and actively choosing to invite this dangerous man into your life. It doesn’t matter how you feel about him, it’s irrelevant. Your feelings for this cretin should be nothing by comparison to the fierce will to protect your child from the harm this man will bring to them. Your duty and responsibility is to the welfare of your child. They didn’t ask to be dragged into or damaged by seeing you in this mess. They don’t deserve it. They can’t control it, you can. You’re not a cringey, love sick teenager who can afford to be tied up in this chaos and drama. You’re a mother and you need to start acting like it by safeguarding your DC and dropping him now. Forget this trauma bonding nonsense, you’re looking for excuses now to keep him because of the attention he’s giving you. The bond with your child is the only bond you should be focusing on. You’ve been warned and if you choose to ignore it and your child suffers for it, it will absolutely be your fault because you’ll just be another woman who puts a pathetic loser “man” in front of their kids. I know this is harsh, but you need an enormous reality check immediately.

SamW98 · 26/02/2024 22:42

Nearly 700 posts all telling you he’s a vile abusive manipulative POS and you’re still wasting time that you should be spending with your family letting him speak to you like shit and you continue to facilitate it.

Stop entertaining the drama and concentrate on your DC instead making excuses for this prick.

Stop blaming clown for being a clown while you keep visiting the circus.

Teenagehorrorbag · 26/02/2024 22:43

He is a massive manipulative weirdo freak!! He is also unattractive and gross, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't wash, has erectile issues, has emotional neediness etc when you don't have to? Different if you'd been together for years and he'd developed problems during that time, but why should you take them on now at the outset? He is a control freak and a narcissist at best - dump him and run a mile!

Please don't give him any more time of day, or mental anguish! Run for the hills!

(I've been there, I sympathise. But leave.....).

Fallingirl · 26/02/2024 22:45

Op, you are so, so close to the finishing line. Just one step away, from breaking free of this man.

I think you are at that point many of us have been at, where you want or need your bf to admit he is being abusive. As if it somehow isn’t true until he agrees that it is. But that will never, ever happen. You cannot get an abuser to admit they are being abusive.

You also don’t need his agreement to split up with him. You don’t need his permission.

If he did agree you should split up, he would first reel you back in, so that he could dump you. That may be what he is doing right now, and I think you know that. I expect that is why you ended up pleading to taken back. Let that be in the past.

Nothing good will come of him taking you back, so please end it without waiting for his permission.

scoobysnaxx · 26/02/2024 22:45

"He also said that if we carried on with the bad communication he would get “colder and meaner” and it’s the kind of thing that would “make him walk out on our family”.

Well amongst many many other things he has really spelled this one out for you.

If you do anything other than BLOCK and DELETE him, you are quite literally walking yourself and your children into the above scenario. I dread to think what "meaner" refers to.

Don't entertain him for another second. Cut him off like a dead limb.

Ohlookwhoitis · 26/02/2024 22:46

Well one thing's for sure...you'll never get to spend time alone with your mother ever again if you go back to him. Next it'll be your time with your children. He's not even hiding his intentions.

scoobysnaxx · 26/02/2024 22:46

Please also complete the freedom programme.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

scoobysnaxx · 26/02/2024 22:50

freddosarebest · 26/02/2024 22:28

Thanks for the replies. I feel like I have no sense of whether he is abusive, manipulative, wrong, right, loving, cruel…. Or at least it swings back and forth and I feel so crazy. He always says he feels like he doesn’t know me at all, despite me sharing some of my deepest secrets, but actually do I know him? Yes he is rigid. All the things in his flat are lined up perfectly even the fridge magnets, I read a book about Chris watts the family murderer and it said his house was just like that, incredibly ocd. He goes to the gym for 2 hours at 5am every day. He won’t eat meat, fish, dairy, anything processed. He hates spending any money. I guess this rigidity manifests on the outside as well as the inside. He does scare me sometimes but I can’t even say why, he’s not physically intimidating. It’s just a feeling. I just question how I got caught up in this. I feel like I was literally targeted and pursued like a prey. And now the discard. I feel so so ashamed of myself.

Yes it's giving "Sleeping with the Enemy".

If you haven't seen this film I recommend you watch it asap.

Noshowlomo · 26/02/2024 22:55

I had a boyfriend like this. Not as serious, and it was 25 years ago when I was 18 but he did so many things even at that young age that remind me of your ex (I say ex because there is no way you can take him back).
Within months he wants me to cut off one friend, he wanted me to eat meat one day a year just for him (I am vegetarian), he would leave my house without telling me, having ripped up photos of us and ring me from a pay phone saying he’d left me a surprise, he’d say that I didn’t give him enough attention. I was with him almost a year but at the end I just wanted to laugh in his face.
Your ex is pathetic OP, and deserves nothing more than for you to laugh at him. PLEASE don’t show your kids that this is how relationships should work.

pictoosh · 26/02/2024 22:55

Ohlookwhoitis · 26/02/2024 22:46

Well one thing's for sure...you'll never get to spend time alone with your mother ever again if you go back to him. Next it'll be your time with your children. He's not even hiding his intentions.

Spot on

Iamnotalemming · 26/02/2024 22:57

"Our relationship is over. Don't contact me again". Then block.

You don't owe him an explanation, or an apology or any of your time for him to make you feel shit and a bad person.

Seriously, rip off the plaster! It will hurt but it needs doing and there's a better future ahead. Stop torturing yourself.

scoobysnaxx · 26/02/2024 22:59

Zoreos · 26/02/2024 22:40

OP, you’ve been told a hundred times over that this man is abusive and toxic. You know this is all mind games and lies to keep you reeled in. He doesn’t love you, care about you or respect you one little bit and never, ever will. He only cares about himself and how he can feed off of you. He has openly admitted he expects you to put him in front of your child and would feel pushed out and aggrieved if you showed them more attention than him. What on gods earth are you playing at? Wise up OP and fast. At the moment you still have the tools and free will to be rid of him and have received lots of amazing advice. At this point you’re now purposely and actively choosing to invite this dangerous man into your life. It doesn’t matter how you feel about him, it’s irrelevant. Your feelings for this cretin should be nothing by comparison to the fierce will to protect your child from the harm this man will bring to them. Your duty and responsibility is to the welfare of your child. They didn’t ask to be dragged into or damaged by seeing you in this mess. They don’t deserve it. They can’t control it, you can. You’re not a cringey, love sick teenager who can afford to be tied up in this chaos and drama. You’re a mother and you need to start acting like it by safeguarding your DC and dropping him now. Forget this trauma bonding nonsense, you’re looking for excuses now to keep him because of the attention he’s giving you. The bond with your child is the only bond you should be focusing on. You’ve been warned and if you choose to ignore it and your child suffers for it, it will absolutely be your fault because you’ll just be another woman who puts a pathetic loser “man” in front of their kids. I know this is harsh, but you need an enormous reality check immediately.

Absolutely this.

LISTEN OP this is serious. Think of your children there is NO OTHER OPTION BUT TO GET RID!

frequentlyfrazzled · 26/02/2024 23:02

OP please stop and listen to all of us saying - NO THIS IS NOT FUCKING NORMAL!!
Please please please for the love of God, yourself and your children block this man immediately and give yourself space to detach from him. He is clearly not well, but you cannot fix him.
He is traumatising you. You owe it to yourself and your kids to put an end to this now.

ILoveHugeAckman · 26/02/2024 23:14

CBA to read your wall of text describing your ridiculous phone conversation with him. 5 lines was enough.

Would you spend 4 hours playing with your kids? Probably not. It would be too intense. But you choose to spend that time with him.

Sad. And Stupid. Raise your bar and get your priorities sorted fgs

Dery · 26/02/2024 23:14

@freddosarebest - this man will destroy you. It’s already happening. Please, please, please end it.

SlightlyJaded · 26/02/2024 23:24

OP - in the nicest way - stop talking and start listening.

Your endless posts dissecting every exchange with him feel like an excuse to talk about him. Perhaps in the hope someone will come along and say "You know what Freddos - I think he sounds ok. You just need to give him more attention"

Spoiler: Nobody is going to say that.

He's fucking awful and sounds worse - and potentially more dangerous - with every new post you write. You deserve better, but whilst you are in the thick of it and unable to see the wood for the trees, listen to all of us who are trying to say the magic words that will make you see the light.

So I'm going to say this - and I might be wrong, but I might not... I am going on the 'evidence' as supplied by you. I think he sounds potentially dangerous - a possible stalker, or even worse. He is obsessive and irrational - two potentially risky traits. You have children, so get the fuck away from him and stay away from him.

Everythinggreen · 26/02/2024 23:33

@freddosarebest that MUST be it for talking to him. You're strong in emails and not when speaking. Do not speak to him again, might sound harsh but you must not. Email him, tell him you are done. You have to think about your kids as the number one priority in this.

I know it's not super duper easy to just go "nope, I'm done, off you fuck" cos thats what I did to my ex precisely because i had kids to consider. You must do this.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 26/02/2024 23:36

This guy is a total HEAD FUCK.

4 hours on the phone, FOUR HOURS??? This guy is seriously abusive, manipulative, controlling, possessive, obsessive, creepy as fuck, and dangerous.

STOP communicating with him. The LESS said to him, the better. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HIM.

BLOCK HIM.

Personally, I think you should report him to the police for coercive control, which is a crime.

TheCatterall · 26/02/2024 23:41

For gods sake @freddosarebest - block him. Delete his details. Be done with this.

if your child turned round to you as an adult - and laid out all the issues and worries they had with a partner - and described all this to you - would you think it’s your child who is the problem or would you be trying to get them away from this relationship and toxic man with nothing to offer anyone as fast as you possibly could.

if you wouldn’t want to see your child/family/friends in a relationship go through something like this - then stop accepting it for yourself.

honestly - it’s such a short relationship in the grand scheme of things. Please move on from this.