Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

Oh lordy...he is one force to be reckoned with.

It's not you. It's not you. It's not you.

You need to just cut him off and be done. I don't know why you're still spending hours on the phone with him, he's toxic

He is saying things which are not true or reasonable. The only sensible reaction is to laugh at the self-important ridiculousness of it all! I know it is almost convincing when you're in it, but when you're properly out of the woods then you will look back at wonder why you thought highly of this utter waste of a human being.

i don’t understand why he brings out this pathetic emotional side of me . I’m not like this with anyone else. And he always says me getting emotional stops us from having discussions, but he can be so aggressive in those discussions and it just triggers me. I can’t say what it is about him, just something about him really worries and upsets me. It’s like a level of persistence that is really intimidating.

OP: PLEASE BLOCK HIM!
on all channels. Then never, ever have anything to do with him. EVER AGAIN!

You have children. Would you really expose them to this level of emotional abuse? If not, why are you still engaging with him?

I think you should get yourself into therapy ASAP, you need some emotional tools to help you get away from this head wrecker, you don't seem to be strong enough to do it on your own so please seek help. If not for you, for your child. There is no future where you could ever trust this horrible person to be part of your family. Your child hasn't asked for any of this so please thing about them. 🙏

So what are you going to do?
Continue to let him call the shots and emotionally manipulate you, or actually follow some of the advice you have had on this thread?

He sounds toxic, unhinged and emotionally abusive.
Do you really want that in your life?

I strongly suggest that you look into completing the Freedom Programme

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I feel at this stage you are addicted to the drama and are terrified of being without it, as so much of your mind is focused on it all.

At this point you are choosing to be treated like this. You are basically begging him to stay around and treat you like shit.

Why do you want this? what is it that makes you beg to be treated so badly? Please stay in my life to fuck me up.

His actions are entirely his fault. Nothing you are doing is making him behave the way he is. Nothing you are doing is causing this. There's no magic way you could behave that would change how he behaves because he's abusive and it's him not you. He's never going to have an epiphany and realise he's abusive. You're never going to hear him say actually, you're lovely and I'm wrong. You can't change him. You can't control him. But you can walk away from him.

But instead you are asking him to continue upsetting you and at some point you have to ask yourself why that's your preference over walking away. Why you are begging him. Why you won't block him.

You can't change him.
You can change you.

You've really got to ask yourself - what will the consequences be for your children of you allowing this man into their lives?

As a parent our prime responsibility is to our children. You're very clear about so many toxic aspects of this man. But you can't say no. You can't say stop. And you don't appear able to block him.

So what will you do when he turns his attention to your children when they don't react to him as he wishes? Show him the respect, attention, deference he thinks he deserves? How will you protect them if you're unable to protect yourself?

Tough questions OP but the future reality for your children it appears?

He knows.what he is doing. He is saying these things to mess with you and to put you on the back foot.

You have power here, you can choose not to engage with this madness any further. Have faith in yourself and see how he is making you feel.

He is nothing. You and your children are what matter, you have the power to cut him out of your life. Please do that, you will feel relief.

Given the OP has spent her entire holiday wringing her hands and absorbed in Mr Headfuck, I doubt her kids are going to be even on her radar.

Yep. Quality time with her DC or 4 hour phone calls with an abusive fuckwit.

You would think it’s a no brainer but the OP choses to give him her time rather than her DC

Then send the break up message, then block him.
Your lives are not intertwined.
It is this simple. You don't need another long, manipulative discussion. You don't owe him a discussion.

OP this man might very well be the end of you. The more you reveal the more like a horror film your life reads like. It sounds like you’re walking an incredibly fine line in keeping his violent side at bay and I fear it is only a matter of time before he snaps.

If he treats you, who he is meant to love above everybody else, this way, how will he treat your kids?

You know the answer to that. He will fuck them up.

If they don’t adhere to his psychotically rigid rules how do you think he will react? Screaming? Silent treatment? Penalties? Violence?

How are you going to sustain a relationship with someone you are too scared to introduce to your own children - and how could you ever introduce this fucking megalomaniac to your children?’

He will physically/psychologically destroy you all, but before that happens what if your ex gets wind of his behaviour? Would he want his kids exposed to this psycho? I don’t want to scare you but there may be a possibility you could lose them if they’re telling their dad of the stuff he says and does to them and you. He may even drive you to harming yourself OP, you mentioned scratching yourself, you’re already resorting to an anxiety behaviour or self harm!

He is having such a scary effect on you from what you are describing, you need to speak to somebody in a professional capacity as soon as possible for their advice. I’m scared for you. And your children. I think we all are.

You must end this for your children’s sake if not for your own. He will ruin them and your relationship with them and they will blame you.

Get out while you can please!

Block him!!!! You owe him nothing!

Honestly OP, BLOCK HIM!

He's manipulating you. He's lying about your behaviour and its impact on him so that you capitulate and behave just how he tells you to. Never speak to this man again.

However hard you try he will never change his narrative because it's a way to control you. Realise it doesn't matter what he thinks or says about you. You don't have to prove anything to him. Get on with your life and focus on your DC.

What @Fuzziduck said.

Stop faffing about trying to make sense of this shitshow. It's not working. Doesn't matter what you think it might take to work; fact is, it's not working, and it's not going to. Here you are sobbing and begging for another chance at being controlled and treated like shit, spending all your time and energy on this idiot instead of your actual future and family.

Grow up OP. You are an adult woman presumably in possession of a working brain, you know what needs to be done, go and do it. Or choose to sit in this misery and wallow forever wailing about whyyyyy he just can't be normal and if only you could somehow say the magic words to stop him being a controlling stage 5 clinger. That's a fairy story and if you let yourself tell it for much longer, you'll be sucked into your own fantasy and drown in its clutches.

Good luck, sincerely. You know who you are and what you are capable of. Don't lose sight of that.

Everything he does and says (and has done/said in the past) is calculated to make you feel this way, so he can carry on with his perverse modus operandi which is to destroy others to make himself feel better about the overwhelming insecurity and misery he carries around inside on a permanent basis.

There is NOTHING you can do to fix that.

This is how controlling, manipulative, abusive men operate and it can happen to ANYONE. Truly ANYONE. Wasting energy wondering g what you’re doing wrong will achieve nothing because the answer is - you’re not doing anything wrong ITS HIM, not you. And he will do this to every person he ever has an intimate relationship with.

Now… imagine he is a disease you’ve caught. A serious disease that will kill you, but not before it first destroys your body and mind. Imagine if a doctor told you: if you don’t treat this disease you’re going to suffer unimaginable pain, you will cease to recognize yourself, you’ll lose everything you value about your existence.

You can avoid that by sending one message (“this is over, don’t contact me again”). And block, disengage and never see or speak to him again. Kind of an inoculation - one nasty pinch and a few days (or weeks, or maybe even months) of feeling a bit sick and dizzy and low.

Or you can keep doing what you’re doing and suffer the long term effects - by which time the vaccination will no longer be effective so you’ll have no choice but to cure yourself, deal with the sick/dizzy/low for five times longer and from a starting point 500 times worse.

I’m not joking or being flippant when I tell you that this is a fight for your life and I don’t mean because he may physically hurt you (although it’s possible), but because when someone does what this man is doing to the inside of your head it is INVISIBLE but it is VIOLENT and it is DAMAGING.

So pick your preferred cure and take steps accordingly.

I cannot recommend reading Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? more strongly… (download on kindle or Apple Books app). It is incredibly insightful and compassionate and a source of strength in turbulent times.

Why the fuck did you take his phone call? We all told you to block him. We all told you he would try to worm his way back in. We all told you he would make you feel like shit. And yet you ignored every single one of us, including those who have been in your shoes. Nearly 600 posts saying run the fuck away. And yet here you are crying that he's done another head fuck on you.

Why did you not block him last time?

He needs you to feel like shit about yourself so you’re less likely to leave and may feel you can’t do better, so he puts you down.

He needs you to think you’re the problem, or at least doubt your perception that he’s the problem, so you’re less likely to leave.

He needs to say he’s not sure about your future anymore because he needs to maintain control to continue to abuse you.

He needs to challenge your relationships with friends and family, so he can isolate you so you’re less likely to be influenced by people who can see he is bad news.

He needs you to feel useless and helpless so you’re more reliant on him and less likely to leave.

In other words he is a text book abuser. Please block him. You are too vulnerable right now to be able to protect yourself when he has up to 4 hours to influence you.

He's a master manipulater, that's why it brings that side out of you. Been there done that.. block him before it gets worse.

The more you reveal the more it sounds like categoric abuse. There’s no question. And you are sounding like you are dependent on him emotionally when you are with him, and even when you just speak to him on the phone, which is down to his manipulation of you. You need to cut his control of you off completely by not putting yourself in any position to engage with him.

You mentioned fearing he would turn up at your kids school which is why you don’t want to block him completely - if he does call the police, the man is a threat. You may have to seek a restraining order if he does anything like this. Sever all contact after telling him not to contact you again. Act if he doesn’t let you. It is a crime OP.

Stay safe x