Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

@Blocketyblocked can you share anything else about the similarities with that relationship? And did your partner ever deny outright having committed DV? Mine swears down that he has never been physical with a woman (he writes a LOT of what turned out to be largely autobiographical short stories and he confessed that one of them was true to his own life when he previously denied it was - not about DV but something pretty big - and he has written anotjer short story about a man who assaults his wife and when I asked, was adamant it wasn’t true. But I know he grew up with DV and his dad tried to kill his mum. So it feels like a grey area. It’d be a huge thing to lie about though. More red flags, I know.
Right now I am just so upset about everything. I know it’ll pass but it’s so cruel this has happened on my holiday he knew I really needed. I’m just gutted about it all.

There's a simple rule I've learnt over the years with dating. If a guy tells you early on about his dysfunctional childhood and it contains episodes of abuse, just stay clear. You might feel like giving sympathy and a hug, but really, these guys are seriously messed up when it comes to love and relationships and they will mess with your head because they behave way outside of the expected norm. Clingy one minute, scathing thr next. What they need is therapy, no matter how good-looking or charming at the start, they just get weird and it's not enjoyable, so steer clear.

Of course I can. Mumsnet helped me so much.

He was jealous I was married before.
He would tell me what I can and cannot do in my own home eg DIY to "keep me safe".
Constant texts and calls to "check I was ok".
Misogynistic comments including saying as a man he didn't feel needed and lost his place in the world.
Use other women to try and make me jealous.
Would say "most me wouldn't like" certain things I do such as having male friends.
Accused hi ex of being abusive.
Silent treatment and blocking if I said something he didn't like no matter how reasonable it was. When I said being text every 2 hours was too much he blocked me.
Would want to pop over even just for a few minutes and said I must be cheating because I said no when he knew I was busy between work, caring for my child etc.
He got upset once that he text me at midnight and still hadn't heard at 6am. I was asleep.
Telling me about women he could get.
He hated anything I could do without him eg my own DIY, holiday etc.
He always wanted to be around me and my child when I tried to explain that my child needs 1:1 with me sometimes he kept pushing.
Negatively compared me to exes and other women.
He's almost 50 and hs never had a relstionship beyond a year.
Issued with work (boss fault). It's the polices fault for arresting him for harassing his last ex too.
He once forgot he blocked me, thought I blocked him and bombarded me with emails and would drive past my house.
They never change. It gets worse.
Read lundy bancroft why does he do that.
I guarantee he'll contact within a week.
But if you stay the silent treatment will last longer, the outbursts will happen more frequently. In my case emotional abuse turned to sexual abuse and reproductive coercion as he'd refuse condoms and try and stop me getting the map.

Wow @Blocketyblocked i am really sorry. That sounds horrendous. I hope you’re well recovered now. It’s eerie how similar he sounds. Never met my dc but he did even say he wasn’t sure if he would be ok with me doing stuff with them 1 on 1 (when I reacted to this he took it back but I think he meant it!) His ex was a cheater and liar supposedly, they always seem to be. And yet he never left her except when he met another younger woman who he also left for someone else. And yes to nothing ever being his fault. He blames things that happened decades ago for his lack of career progression, lack of kids etc. I don’t earn amazing money but I’ve always worked and I have my kids and friends and he seemed to want everything I had or maybe even be jealous of it. And this guy has also talked a lot about me getting pregnant. What happened to you could probably have happened to me. Scary. Thank you for sharing.

Yep my ex always made sure the next was lined up before leaving and all his exes he still obsessed over are ones who left him first (he was shocked I left him). My ex also wanted me pregnant. Harder to leave then. Only had one stable job as relative was high up in the company and when his relative left he suddenly had problems there. Please don't go back. I did and I regretted it. Left 4 months ago as he did another silent treatment (then ironically when he decides he wants to talk again would bombard with messages). OK for them to have space but not you. Don't talk to him at all, positive or negative. Sounds like a narcissist and he will take any response as good even if its you calling him out as it means he has your attention.

I’ve experienced this myself and really wish I’d steered well clear 😞

It seems like he owes it to the next person to have some intense counselling and therapy before embarking on another romantic relationship. It sounds like he pushes ppl away at 9 months bc he’s afraid of being rejected/deserted she to childhood trauma. He’s got some serious issues and he really needs to get himself some help or he will never be happy, let alone the poor women he has crossed paths with up til now.

Yeah I doubt he actually wants kids - if he had them he would definitely be jealous of the bond they have with their mother and the neglect he feels bc she is focusing on their needs (as well as his!) he would use this as justification for more abuse and control over her to punish her for caring for his children at the expense of him and and most likely cheat constantly or leave her for another woman.

Having kids with a woman would, in his mind, tie them to him forever and he would have more control over her life and more ways to dictate how things would go down, not just to the woman but also the poor kids!

It doesn’t bear thinking about (shudder)

Oh yes. Married one, more fool me. Thought I could help him. Was too young and naive to realise he’d need to want help for things to change (not that things seemed to need to change until after we married and he “turned”). The abuse started small, but did eventually become violent as well as emotional and psychological. You’re best off well out of it op.

Terrified on your behalf that you will let him worm his way back in.

Please be safe, be strong, and just read over your own words. Imagine the rest of your life with this man - he won't ever get better... He will only continue to increase the abuse.

Because this is abuse. Thankfully you have realised it relatively soon - the sulking, the love bombing, the drama, intensity, jealousy, punishments etc.

Your gut TOLD you this isn't right. All you can do is listen.

It may have been mentioned already in this thread, but I recommend reading The Gift of Fear to anyone but especially women. Not wanting to overreact or cause offence - women have paid the price of being polite with their lives. Bad people prey on this, they rely on it to manipulate situations.

I think reality is dawning on you @freddosarebest. You are starting to come out of the fog and just starting to make sense of all those seemingly innocuous interactions between you. Each post is more alarming than the last. I spent 26 years with a man like this. I can’t even begin to tell you the hell my relationship was but much of what you’ve revealed has triggered me. I have a sicky feeling in the pit of my stomach reading your examples of the interactions between you. I recognise the manipulations and gaslighting in what you’ve written. I don’t mean to sound dramatic OP but he actually sounds dangerous from things revealed in your last few posts. Just try to remember that love bombing is part of the pattern of abuse. He will do the same to the next victim. He will quickly tell her she is the love of his life in the same way he did to you and that he’s never felt this way before blah de blah de blah. If I were you I would delete and block all means for him to communicate with you so there is no chance he can ‘persuade’ you to give him another chance. You need to stay strong and firm. He absolutely will move on to the next one once he realises it’s definitely over.

You will get back to your old self, once you have had chance to breathe and reset. For now just try to focus on your children and practice some self care, you will soon realise that your life is richer and more peaceful without this man in your life.

one of the biggest thing these guys do is make so that they are centre of your every thought, and thats why you cannot have time away, because if you did you can get your head clear and see how you are being bombarded / manipulated.

How and why they do it really isnt your concern. They need therapy, but they are very unlikely to get it. YOU cant be their therapist, although its likely they will make you responsible for their happiness/wellbeing.

Its really insiduous, and they will push and bombard to get things moved on much too fast, because if they can railroad you into moving in / marriage/pregnancy, then they will think that they have you and are secure. But they will never feel secure because underneath they havent dealt with what is making them so insecure in the first place - this means that they will never be happy, whatever you do - because normal life will throw up things for them to be worried about - even going to the shops/going to work/seeing your family.

You could spend your days gazing at them adoringly, hanging on their every word, telling them you love them, but when you need to pee in privacy, even the need to close the door is a suggestion that you must be texting someone else in there.

@NettleTea "You could spend your days gazing at them adoringly, hanging on their every word, telling them you love them, but when you need to pee in privacy, even the need to close the door is a suggestion that you must be texting someone else in there."
OMG yes, I'd forgotten about this! In the early days, when my OH and I first moved in together, if I went to pee, he would frequently find some excuse to come and hammer on the bathroom door and ask me questions about something through the closed door. Good grief, I'd forgotten all about that.

Anyhoo, I've had some therapy to try and recover from the abuse in my relationship and one of the best things my therapist has said is to not focus on whether it is abuse or not, or what kind of abuse it is, or is he a narcissist or suffering from some other kind of disorder etc etc. Focus on how he makes you feel, how does the relationship make you feel. Does being with him make you feel good? Does the relationship make you feel secure, happy, safe, loved up? Or does it make you question yourself, your sanity, whether you are too sensitive or over reacting etc etc? Do you have butterflies in your stomach when you see him/think of him, or a sinking feeling?
Positive feelings "some of the time" or even "most of the time" aren't enough to build a long term happy relationship.
Don't ignore the small issues, don't sweep them under the rug, trust your gut instinct. Listen to yourself and how this relationship with this man makes you feel. I ignored the small issues and 30 years on bitterly regret it and am trying to escape (I will do it!).

You've answered your own question - you have every right to say no if you choose. As others have said, Get Rid.

@freddosarebest don't feel like an idiot. You dumped him after 8 months. I stayed with my asshole ex for 6 years and the best part of my 20s ...

When you are used to people behaving reasonably and haven't encountered someone controlling in your personal life before, it isn't immediately obvious that their behaviour is manipulative. By the time the incidents mount up enough, those same incidents have also started to affect your self esteem so that it's harder to see the situation for what it is: he's an arse rather than I'm not good enough (but if I could just get it right the relationship would be perfect).

I don't really understand a lot of you being worried about finishing it. From what you've said, he'll end it himself as a 'punishment'. Let him do that.

I feel stupid. We spoke on the phone for 4 hours last night. A lot of that,I was crying, he was angry (although he claimed he was just “aggravated”). He was making all of our problems my fault, saying how I didn’t treat him in a loving way and he didn’t deserve the way I treated him. My main crime being that when I’m away I “drop him” and apparently last week for the first 4 days, he was getting so upset by it that he felt like he was going to have a heart at
tack. Apparently a 5 min phone call at bedtime every day or when I had time on my own would have solved this but I made him feel unloved and ghosted. (Even though in that time, I called him on 2 different days, and texted the other 2, albeit not a lot because I was jsut in the moment on holiday. Also he didn’t reply to my text for 12 hours the day he left, and he stopped talking to me when he got angry) i think it was all really about me “not wanting” to see him on holiday. He couldn’t accept that if we were in a relationship and in the same area (albeit 3 hours apart! We are not in the U.K. by the way) we wouldn’t meet up. He was like “I would drive for 3 hours to see you for 10 minutes”. I couldn’t give a satisfactory explanation for why I wasn’t keen on doing that and he made it also about the fact I don’t want him to meet my dc, or I’m trying to “keep him away” from my family. Basically, I was left feeling like the shittest partner ever. I found myself apologising so much, and panicking. I don’t know why I’m so trauma bonded to this guy. I felt secure about ending it but he tapped into all my low self esteem and guilt. Honestly the way he acted it was like I’d cheated on him while I was away or something really terrible I did. He kept saying he can’t see us in a long term relationship as we argue too much, when I pointed out he often instigates the arguments by being moody or pushing buttons (lots of examples of this) he didn’t accept that, and when I pointed out I had felt less good about opening up and enjoying our time together since he has already dumped me once before, and often pushes topics I don’t want to discuss or expresses a lot of doubts about the relationship, which maybe why I haven’t moved as fast as he would like, he didn’t see that point of view either. Basically, I’m not reliable, I’m not loving, I’m not committed. He added some weird stuff about how when I’m hanging out with someone else I just put my attention on them but when he’s with anyone else (which he never is as he has 1 friend and some family who live far away) I am always his number 1. He said if we got married, I would always want us to go on holiday with my mum and that wasnt normal. He said I’m obsessed with peoples status and talent because I follow people on social media etc (he’s said this before, it seems to be a preoccupation of his.) he was scathing about how I act so “strong” when I’m with my mum or others, like when I called him out on the phone the other night about his insistence. He said I clearly have had unprotected (on the pill) sex with lots of people (I haven’t, only a couple of others) so it means nothing to me but because we had unprotected sex the day before I left i May as well have proposed to him and he felt like he wasn’t able to even come see me and meet his “future mother in law”. All this. He wasn’t fucking invited, he just invited himself, but apparently tahts what couples do. It just boggled me for the whole 4 hour conversation. All I did in this instance was to communicate less albeit daily while on holiday. I didn’t leave him high and dry at home, he was also supposedly busy. Im so ashamed that I ended up begging him to give us another chance and he said he needed some time to think about it and he wouldn’t be back for at least a week as he can’t be in the same area as me while he thinks about us as he needs to be around people who make him feel “strong” and he feels weak around me. He wouldn’t say whether or not he wanted to be with me as he loves me but I have hurt him so much, and he said all I care about is wanting an answer on when he’s coming back and whether he wants to be with me. Like he wouldn’t feel the same way if I had acted this way. he was like “unlike you I don’t just want to continue the relationship at all costs” … but 2 weeks ago he made me say outright that I would “never leave him”. That he fears losing me so much. Now apparently he couldn’t care less.

I woke up this morning and felt sick with embarrassment and confusion how that all went down. I sent another email saying I didn’t think it was a good idea. It’s like he causes a physical reaction of panic in me. I don’t know why, maybe because he has threatened the relationship so many times, written all these emails talking about how deep yet dysfunctional his feelings for me are. Even when thins h were good with us he would tell me he loves watching movies about dysfunctional relationships because they remind him of us. That hurt, actually. He would chase me for days if I was upset with him, make me say outright I would never leave. But he has also many times said he needs “space” to figure out if he wants this. I have cried in his arms so many times. Sat on this one spot on his sofa crying, feeling so panicked. I am a woman in mid 30s, a mother, how have I been reduced to this? I’m not trying to be harsh, but he’s 40-odd, has erectile problems, a history of emotional/verbal abuse in his marriage that he claimed to have solved himself through 8 weeks of therapy, he is balding, doesn’t use deodorant or have a smartphone or eat meat or drink alcohol because he feels he is so alternative, he has no career, he lives in a month to month rental. He blames me for distracting him from working, from managing his finances, but those were all choices he has made. I never asked anything unreasonable of him.

Some of the things I’ve done that I think are loving… I wrote him a poem for every day he went away for a week, I took time out of my family holiday to go and meet his family, I’ve given him countless little gifts including a hand painted thing I made, brought him stuff when he was sick, met him at the airport some distance away, I make sure to see him almost every day when dc aren’t around and made myself available for phone calls whenever I could, I planned some lovely dates (all of which he acted a bit off on), emotionally supported him about some really difficult stuff he was processing, bought him meals/takeaways, told him all the time how lovely he was. I know it doesn’t seem like much but I never have dumped him or been spiteful to him about his character like he has to me.

this is just a vent really. I know I’ve acted stupidly here and I feel really ashamed for getting so panicked. It was just the way he was being towards me, so angry and decrying everything about us and me. It made me want to save it for some reason. I must have real self esteem issues.

I must have real self esteem issues.
You absolutely do. And it is making you very, very vulnerable. Which makes your children very vulnerable too.

Yes, the last bit of this post resonated with me. If I could just get the level of contact/communication right. No matter how much time I gave it in person, it didn’t matter as we didn’t speak on the phone much when we were apart, even me saying I barely speak on the phone to anyone didn’t help, the fact I am 10 years younger than him and more of the smartphone/texting generation and he just says it means I don’t care or I make
him feel like shit.

Just stop.
Think of your children. You are a mother.
How could you entertain this man being in your life and potentially being around them. He's so so toxic and yes you do have serious self esteem issues.
Please block him. He is praying on your vulnerabilities.

OP, you're treating him as a person who says reasonable things which you should take seriously.

He talks SHIT. He really really does. I know he sounds convinced of what he's saying, but Trump sounds like that too. It is still palpable nonsense.

Once you get yourself believing that, then you will be OK.

If I could just get the level of contact/communication right.

Well now you have a great chance to get the level of contact/communication exactly right.

Zero.

You know in the aftermath of this marathon call of recrimination and accusation that speaking him just causes you to doubt yourself. Well you've heard him out, now. There is nothing left to say. Now you need to focus on why on earth you tried so hard to please someone who could not have deserved it less. Contact with him certainly won't help you to answer that.

The right level of communication with this arsehole is none.

He jsut always makes me feel like the toxic one. So uncaring and selfish and cold. He also said that if we carried on with the bad communication he would get “colder and meaner” and it’s the kind of thing that would “make him walk out on our family”. That stuff is not normal to say?? He blames these type of comments on his absuive childhood. Always his excuse. I feel like I’ve done something terrible when all I did was go on holiday without him and not call him every day. Is this fucking normal?! I know it isn’t.