Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

Not only do most posters here not agree with you, but thankfully, the law doesn’t either. Exiting an abusive relationship isn’t a luxury it’s a right. The definition of an abusive relationship isn’t subjective, it’s legally defined. Any kind of control exerted over a partner is abusive and you need to educate yourself as to what legally constitutes abuse and give your head a wobble if you think escaping an abusive partner is a luxury.

Yes @LittleGreenDragons i think that’s right. He had no real life outside of me. He would send me emails/messages saying how depressed he was in the evenings because we weren’t together or if we had to part after we had sex. I spent so much time feeling guilty. He kept saying he wanted a partnership where we were the centre of each others world because his ex didn’t “need” or “want” him. I feel like he was on a rebound and that if I didn’t act in the exact way he expected, I failed. It’s like he didn’t let our relationship or me jsut be what they were, he wanted a perfect do-over of his relationship with his ex, with added family.

My favourite quote about love OP.

@freddosarebest

Hr probably does love you but his idea of love doesn’t match yours.

He could love you more than he’s ever loved before but if he’s not the right man, that’s not what you need.

@freddosarebest - this man might have loved you in his own way but not all love is worth having. He is not capable of healthy love so his love is not worth having. A relationship with him will come at a very high price to your mental and emotional (and perhaps even physical) wellbeing.

And no adult should be the centre of another adult’s world. That’s just desperately co-dependent and unhealthy. He wants to clip his partner’s wings - make her small and dependent on him. It’s so fucked up.

"He kept saying he wanted a partnership where we were the centre of each others world because his ex didn’t “need” or “want” him."

I'll bet she went through the same cloying crap and had trouble peeling him off.

He can't be the centre of your universe...you are a mother. He's already jealous of your mum, can you imagine how much he'd resent your child?
I shudder to think.

Since I have met him I have lost over a ston in weight, felt highly stressed and anxious multiple times including Xmas and holidays, had trouble sleeping, even started scratching myself subconsciously which is something I did when I was chronically stressed as a teenager. It’s not all his fault, but it coincides. It felt like nothing was ever enough. My love for him got really eroded and yet I wanted to hold on. I felt so sad we couldn’t just be there for each other. His mood swings were really frequent. So even if it was love for him, the intensity was too much. As this week proves… I left with a really loving email to him saying how much I would miss him but that only filled his needs for maximum 1-2 days and now we are here. Ughhh. I don’t even want to go home as I know the reality of things will hit me. This sucks. I just want to Be my old self focused on my dc and work and hobbies.

I was just about to say this very thing!! I couldn't think of anything more suffocating than being the centre of another adults universe.

Besides it's a lie. If you were the centre of his universe (such a stupid expression) he'd be pleased that you're having a week's holiday with your much-loved mum who lives overseas and who you don't see in person very often.

What he means is that he should be the centre of your universe.
He won't make you the centre of his because that spot is filled by him too.

Your last update is very worrying. You are still saying it's not his fault.

Get yourself some therapy as your reality here is totally screwed, you have walked into, and accepted, an abusive relationship. Please do NOT date until you have completed The Freedom Programme. You've gone from one very abusive relationship to another very abusive relationship. Don't let there be a third.

Plan sone things to look forward to when you go home - seeing friends, a nice walk, a day shopping, a nice. Do you have a hobby? Join a choir or class. Surround yourself with people who actually love you.

@freddosarebest honestly OP, I know you are hurting but when I read your updates, it makes my blood run cold. He has serious problems and if you are honest his weird controlling and gaslighting behaviour has been going on since day one. Please believe me when I say that none of that is love, it’s control. Trust me when I say you have had a narrow escape by wasting just 8 months of your life. This would end badly whether sooner or later, if he moved in the next problem would be your child and how you put them first. Listen to the warning bell going off and stay well clear.

That’s right. You are hurting right now, but really this could have been so much worse. Imagine if you had let your DC meet him.
You are very lucky, and will have learnt so much about yourself from this episode.

Thanks @Havinganamechange . Something that has always stuck with me is that we met in a specific way (it’s outing so I don’t want to give details) and before he even saw a pic of me or met me, he said he already knew he loved me. He said that when I asked for his number I may as well have been asking him to marry me. It was all “I’ve never felt this way before about anyone” and how it was like a divine intervention. Maybe he even really believed that stuff. But it always felt a bit off to me. He also described how he was verbally abusive to his ex but he “couldn’t ever” be like that with me. But he also says he has a history of cutting people off around 9 months, good friends, whoever. He was telling me all these red flags and I ate it all up! What is wrong with me! He must have thought me so desperate, to be so gullible. I’m embarrassed and just drained. I wish we never met.

Something in me knew that I shouldn’t commit - to him getting to know my dc, to moving in, or getting engaged, all the things he wanted. He was also very tight with money (one of those extreme savers), very restrictive diet, didn’t like people who were overweight, was very conversative about a lot of things. And I knew he wasn’t right for me, but I just couldn’t get out of the fog, and to a small extent I think I am still in it. I’m wondering what I could have done this week - send more emails, make time for phone calls in the evening/morning, then what, things would have been ok? But surely it shouldn’t be so fragile. Sorry for the ramble. Really trying to process this while dc are out with mum.

Just say no, these are my plans with my mum and my child. If he reacts badly then he isn’t the man for you.

@freddosarebest there is nothing wrong with being a lovely person and wanting to see the best in people. That doesn’t make you stupid or naive, that just makes you lovely and open to loving and being loved. But something my nan always said to me stuck, when someone tells you who they are by their words and actions, believe them. You have had your eyes opened, now you know. Now you need to walk away, don’t look back. There is someone out there for you I promise.

*world, not universe

We’ll you’re nearing the 9 month mark so maybe he’s ramping it up bc he’s very aware of this self-imposed deadline

The best reason you need to LTB.

Honestly OP the more you post, the more unhinged he sounds. It just gets worse and worse. I’m sorry but he should never have got to first base. The most humongous red flags were flying high from the get go.

The only thing you should do now is focus on you & the children. I really think you’d benefit from therapy and improving your self esteem.

He doesn’t sound like a narc. He sounds blooming boring and needy tbh.

Stick to your guns OP. Sorry you've been disappointed in this relationship, but you are 100% right, he's not for you (or for anyone unless they are clingy, needy and want to be joined at the hip)!

Everyone is different - some couples chat several times a day and say 'love you' when they hang up, some barely communicate, and many are somewhere in between. There is no right or wrong, but telling a partner what you expect from them and making them feel nervous if they disagree is definitely out. Fwiw, DH is the opposite - he never rings unless it's something urgent, certainly never for a chat, rarely even lets me know if e.g. he's going to be late, never leaves a note to say where he's gone if he goes out, etc etc. It can be annoying on a practical level but I don't take it as a personal insult.

And anyone who says they want to be 'needed' is a weirdo freak and should not be in a relationship. 'Appreciated' or 'in a relationship where both parties benefit' is one thing, but neediness is so unattractive! Yuk! Why should you need him - you are a self-sufficient person and a single Mum to boot. And only a weirdo would feel you ought to 'need' him.......

Hopefully he will accept the break and leave you alone. It's a shame when you think you've met someone decent - but you will find someone better one day!

OP this sound scarily similar to my last serious relationship even some of the phrases like not feeling needed etc. I made a Clares Law request and he is a know DV perpetrator. I guarantee he will be back as I believe he is employing the silent treatment to punish you and make you so worried you'll beg to talk to him. Make the most of this opportunity and go no contact. It took me a few times to leave. I'm so much happier. Always happy to pm as a fellow survivor (and he was jealous of my friends and my child).