Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

This is your private time with you Mum and DC, sorry but a massive red flag 🚩in my opinion. That fact you feel nervous telling him is telling in itself, follow your instinct.

Yes...he'll be broiling with anger. Do be careful.

He has spent eight months manipulating and moulding you into 'the one to make him happy'. He isn't going to go quietly away...he's going to be furious that you have rejected him and it will your cold, black heart that has ruined it all.

Right now, he's punishing you with silence because he thinks he'll bring you back into line, especially given his clinginess and demands have been questioned before and he has successfully talked you down.

When he realises you are serious about splitting, he will cry and beg because he 'loves you so much' and when that doesn't work, he will more than likely become nasty.

Someone who behaves as he has been, is not about to take a telling like a normal, well-adjusted person would. Be utterly clear and very careful.

The sooner you assert yourself with this creep the better. Don't let him even try to guilt you over this, be firm with him and put him in his place.

It is a MASSIVE red flag.

I agree with everyone here..big controlling issues..red flags!! Ditch him!!!

Also OP, I appreciate I could be wrong but I think the 'driving a friend to near where you are' is a LIE. I think he contrived this story so he could muscle in on your holiday and make you prioritise him over your mum. For his own satisfaction.

Is there even a friend?

Take advantage of his ghosting and block him on everything so you're not on tenterhooks wondering when/if/what he will message. Which is exactly what he wants you to be doing.

I’m sorry OP but it feels like the start of distrusting and controlling behaviour. If you tolerate this and continue the relationship then be prepared for this to be the norm and possibly get worse. There is no way anyone on this planet would take me away from spending time with my mum and certainly not a man I have known 8 months! You need to take back control and tell him no! Is this really the kind of man you want around your kids and you? This is the kind of behaviour designed to isolate you from family, trust me you will regret it.

Consider making a request to police under Claire’s law to see if he has any previous history of domestic violence. https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/daa/domestic-abuse/alpha2/request-information-under-clares-law/

I think you already know the answer to this. Trust your gut. This man is overstepping by some stretch and it will only get worse as time moves on. Run!!!!!

OP please leave him before this escalates. I wish I had. I put up with it for 8 years. He was very good at turning everything around on me, making me doubt myself etc. My friend took me away for a few days to visit her family in another country (I only see this friend every 3 years or so as she lives in a faraway country). He initially said "what an amazing opportunity, you should go, you deserve the break etc " but closer to the time, the guilt trips and snide comments began. Whilst I was away, he wanted constant contact, questioned why I couldn't answer the phone. I sent him a picture of me on a day out and the first thing he commented on was I wasn't wearing the watch he bought me. Being away from him made me realise how unhappy with him I was. I ended it after I got back and felt so relieved and liberated. Didn't miss him at all. He sent me videos on how to spot a narcissist and said I met most of the traits when it was actually him. He made out to everyone on social media I had cheated on him. I ignored and he's blocked. I've never looked back.
Stay strong, these people are masters of manipulation

You say you understand what is happening and that you know you need to finish it, but then in the next sentence you prove you don’t understand it at all.

it’s just so obvious he’s a bad un.

AlL of this 1000 times over !

I had a boyfriend who was like this. He was deeply insecure. It was exhausting. You end up treading on eggshells for fear of upsetting him.

Thanks for the messages. I have been re reading this thread whenever I feel wobbly. Still radio silence which kind of fills me with hope in a weird way that it’s over.
i thoguht of something he said on the phone the other night when he was like “you’re just going to paint me black to your mum and you have this narrative im controlling” …. I actually wasn’t intending on discussing it with my mum but he is obviously paranoid to be seen the way he is and he knows on some level he is controlling. That, along with everything else helps me to know I did the right thing. He’s behaved erratically - on Tuesday it was an email saying “it hurts to love someone this much”, on Thursday it was “I really love you and hate when we are apart” then by thursday night, spiteful words on the phone and Friday, ghosted. It just isn’t normal. It reminds me how on Xmas he turned his phone off all day to sulk at me and didn’t get me a card or present, as I spent it with dc and he knew I’d see my ex at some point for handover. Then when I planned to see my family after Xmas he got in his head that he wanted to drive me and dc there,’and when I said I’d prefer to fly as it’s a long drive, he got pissed off and said I was missing an opportunity for us to do something nice together and that I could just introduce him to my dc as ‘a friend’. (A male friend they have never met driving us for hours? I jsut didn’t want to be disingenuous with them… and mainly, I wanted to fly as they hate long car journeys!) He punished me for that one for a couple days. stupidly I did still end up meeting him when over there because he sent me multiple lovebombing messages about it and I knew if I said no, he would turn.
There are so many more examples.
When we first started talking he wanted 3 hour phone calls late at night and when I couldn’t sustain that he brought it up a few times. He still does! I remember talking for an hour and he sent me an email after saying it was ‘superficial’ and how he felt we would never have several hours long phone calls again as I wasn’t as interested in him anymore.
When I gave him a book for Valentine’s Day (he only got me a card, I got him a card and a few things) he got upset as I didn’t write “love from” freddos inside and said he felt something had changed.
he uses having had a violent childhood as his reason for all his actions and he weirdly told me about it the first time we ever spoke.
it has all just been a total fog for me. And yet I feel sad. Like it was an 8 month con. How do I deal with that.
I think he wanted to move in with me as he had not managed to have dc and he kept saying he wanted to be ‘part of a family’. He was hellbent on us moving towards this and I think things cooled a lot recently because I made it clear it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. I think he wanted something out of me. Again, I feel really used. I’ve given basically all my free time when I don’t have dc to him, for months. So much of my headspace. He is footloose and childless and will jsut move on to the next victim who has a nice package he’s after. I feel so stupid and gullible.

He needs a therapist imo. Please remember you aren't one. Nor need to be one for him.

Don't feel stupid op, feel angry, then use that clear thinking to cut him off, move on and thank fuck it was only 8 months not 8 years.

Aside from all the red flags, do you just not find all that behaviour massively unattractive? Does it not turn you right off?

If it doesn’t, maybe explore why not? I think most women with reasonably healthy self esteem would bin him and feel relief. I’m really, really sorry if that sounds patronising. I don’t mean to be!

Dear OP, is this loser worthy of another minute of your time, thoughts or energy? Definitely not! So stop dwelling on it.
The less headspace you give him the sooner you will be able to move on. Try to refocus on yourself and your DC.

Enjoy your time with your mum!

This!
ypunare making this so much worse by all the navel gazing @freddosarebest ! In effect he is still claiming your time and energy.
Be grateful he’s gone, chat it through with you mum, and move on!

I think I’m really scared I fucked this up and I’ll never be happy, basically. Irrational. But I take on the things people say to me and he was always saying I wasn’t as into him or committed or I didn’t know what I wanted from a relationship, even just if I wanted to slow down. It made me feel like I was wrong instead of just different to him. And now i am trying to remind myself of all the things he did that unsettled and hurt me.

You didn’t fuck this up. He did. His behaviour is not normal. It’s absolutely suffocating and abusive.

He wants to be the centre of your world as if your his mum and he’s a toddler. If he had a difficult childhood then that may actually be his dynamic. But he needs to fix that. Plenty of people have shit childhoods and go on to create functional relationships because they’ve worked out what not to do. This man is incapable of healthy love right now. This is why he’s not managed to have children. No emotionally healthy woman could bear his behaviour. He will make you miserable.

Women are not rehabilitation centres for broken men. Please walk away, OP. He has the potential to do you serious long-term harm.

This man sounds awful. I doubt the ghosting will last but you must stay strong whatever guilt games he tries to play.

He didn’t really love me like he said if he did all this, right? It wasn’t real. He can’t have meant all that stuff just a few days ago. I was just fulfilling his ego and needs the whole time. It really hurts.

@freddosarebest it isn't 8 months wasted, it was a short period of time that has enabled you to understand what you want from a relationship. It wasn't serious, your kids weren't involved with him, he hadn't moved in and a nightmare to get him out, no shared assets. It's a blessing in disguise as your life time partner is still out there and you're not lumbered with this one.

Its all good!

Of course it hurts Freddo. You were invested in a man who you thought loved you totally, to the point where he couldn't breathe without you. But that should have been the first warning. You are after an equal partner with no power imbalance. You are after someone who is capable of living an independent life otherwise they will never be able to support you (when ill, or stressed, or taking on a new and exciting challenge). You are after someone who builds you up, makes you excited for future possibilities. A yin to your yang. Two pieces of a puzzle that slots nicely together with no squishing, ripping or force.

You don't need the butterflies of fear, just the butterflies of excitement