Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

Dump him before he completely takes over your life

Well done @freddosarebest for sending THE email. I'm sorry that you are so nervous of his reactions but of course that should tell you everything you need to know about him.
How absolutely terrifying how quickly he started to gaslight you 😳
You will be OK!!

Huge red flags. Please exit this relationship. One of the first things an abuser does is cut off ties with family and friends to isolate and. Control you more. This will escalate. If you have to question if it’s a red flag. It is. Run for the hills and never look back

You see your mother, you ignore him. He would be my ex as he’s controlling you.

If you feel nervous it's a red flag. Good luck and enjoy your holiday with DC and mum 😀

If he was a decent man he would be suggesting that you should have time to see your mum without him

OP I am glad you have seen the light and got the measure of this man. He sounds, frankly, a bit unhinged.

Whether that is dangerous/controlling or just pathetic, needy and spiteful - you don't need that in your life. Especially as you have DC.

Be firm and clear that it is over, but maybe resist the 'home truths'. He sounds like he has a fragile ego and you don't need him turning nasty because it's dented. So just stick to vague reasons like "I don't think i can give you what you need" or "I have realised that I just don't have the capacity for such an intense relationship right now. My DC and family need more of my time" or even "My feelings for you don't seem to be as strong as they were and I'm not feeling it any more". Rather than "You controlling fucking psycho". Or even let him think he is dumping you - people like him aren't very good at being rejected and you don't need him bombarding you with messages or turning up.

I'm not saying he sounds stalkerish by the way - or trying to worry you - just suggesting you extract yourself in a way that causes the least ongoing contact.

@freddosarebest this isn’t a happy relationship at all is it?
He can give the gloss of a happy relationship but it only lasts until you do or even think something he doesn’t like.
It’s hard work —- it shouldn’t be.
You’re dreading upsetting him — you shouldn’t be.

You’ve told him it’s not working , that’s a great non-blaming way to end it.
If he calls or texts you repeat. This relationship isn’t working, it’s very, please don’t contact me again.

Depends. Mine moved in after 3 months. And we are about to get married. So he was defo a dp at 8 months

Agree with your very sage advice @SlightlyJaded

He is not invited and it’s important you stick to your plans (without him ) enjoy the time with your DM and family xxx
dump him if he moans/ turns up / trust your instincts xxx

But this isn’t someone who’s moved in. He’s a boyfriend who has broken up with her once and hasn’t even met her kids yet. It’s not a good idea to refer to (or even think about) someone who is at a bit of distance as though they are more tightly enmeshed in your life.

People are decrying her use of the term “partner” at this stage because she is (was) feeling a degree of loyalty to him that her relationship doesn’t warrant.

I’ve spent decades working with DA perpetrators. This man is coercive and controlling. The fact that you keep saying you you’re have ‘extensive professional experience’ doesn’t make you any less wrong.

The important thing now is you have seen the light and you know what you need to do.

Sadly this man has issues, but you are not responsible for them. You need to protect yourself and your children from his unreasonable and unrealistic expectations of what a healthy relationship is.

Keep strong and be firm and unwavering in your ending of this unhealthy relationship.

I wasn't trying to troll hunt OP. My point was just, on your previous posts about this dickhead, you had hundreds of people begging you to run for the hills. Yet here you are, another holiday ruined by this clown. It's only been 8 months, not 8 years and 3 kids down the line. Bin him and move on with your life!

Can you just completely ignore his messages now? I get you are afraid he will harass you so maybe ensure you are with others if in a public space you go regularly.

He has ghosted today. Which is fine. I was really worried it would be the opposite.

i feel like shit tbh, and keep replaying the ‘good times’, but I can’t get around how dominating he could be about things like phone calls, or about how insecure he was about me. It seems so clear now that I am away.

Ok if he’s ghosted you, you can get on with your life hopefully. The good times were only to reel you in. I know it’s a mindfuck to get your head round that. Give it time and space. You’ll get through this.

If he harasses you in any way call the police. Seriously, like I said previously, you register with them that he is making you worried and anxious and they will contact him to tell him to stop. He does it again and they will take action. The fact you are worried about repercussions shows that you fear what he will do beyond him just giving you a piece of his mind, which is common when one person ends a relationship. It sounds like you think he will go beyond this. If you want nothing more to do with him you don’t even need to give him a heads up.

Can’t remember if I already said this on here but I read a thread about toxic ex partners and a woman said her ex constantly cheated but blocked and ghosted her to avoid accountability. They got back in contact and spoke then talk got back round to the breakup, which he didn’t want to hear, and he blocked her again. She tried calling him on a different phone then received a message from a police officer telling her to stop and asking her to contact them. She didn’t know if it was genuine. Ppl on the thread told her it probably was and she contacted the station to check the name of the officer and it was genuine. She was told to not make any more contact or action would be taken.

There seems to be a world of difference between that scenario and the one you are in. The fact you’re a single mother and in a coercive relationship will probably ensure they take it even more seriously.

Do not live in fear.

It speaks volumes that you are up at this hour worrying about this situation while you are on your family holiday. End it so you can move on without the dark shadow and be happier. Good luck x

You already know he is a problem and is trying to control you. You came here to gain the confidence to trust what your gut is telling you loud and clear and your mind is, for some reason, refusing to accept. So many red flags here but let's spell out just a few. 1.You have children and yet you see each other all the time. 2.You have a planned vacation with your family and your children and he wants to interrupt it so you spend time with him instead. And you're ok with that??? 2, He's done this before and you accommodated him and didn't spend the time with your family. Now he expects you to cancel your plans to suit him again. 4. Not only do you not need his permission to see your own family, but you are already (at 8 months of dating) afraid to say no to him. What are you afraid of really? His temper? his stalking? abandonment? 5. He is gaslighting you and making you doubt your own feelings and judgements. This will make you feel like you're the crazy one for being suspicious of his control over you instead of the other way around which is the truth. 6. He is trying and succeeding at keeping you away from your own family, more than once. This is a clear red flag of behavior of a manipulative, controlling twat. It is one of the first things abusers do - separate you from family and friends and make you dependent upon them. 7. Does he behave this way when you go out with your friends without him or do you no longer do that either? 8. Are you recently out of a bad relationship with another controlling or manipulative partner? Have you received any counseling to help you know how to focus on yourself and regain confidence in yourself before starting another relationship? 9. Why are you so invested in his needs so early in this relationship? and 10. Why are you putting your needs aside to accommodate his? and where are your children when you are spending all your time with him? It's all red flags from where I sit. Run fast and far. You need a better sense of self confidence and to learn to focus on yourself before being in a relationship.

OP, please check out this book - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Look-What-You-Made-Me/dp/1509848738

i flipped through it in the library once and what you’re describing about this neediness and emails sounds really so much like it, what he’s doing is establishing a kind of coercive control over you. Whether that’s because he’s abusive or needy I don’t think you can afford to find out. Listen to your gut and end things. Don’t go into all the reasons why - he will twist them all round and make you feel mad. Please please don’t move in with him. You sound sensible and great for your kids. Trust yourself. He’s not the one.

For your own sake, don't get embroiled in trying to defend your decision to split. You can never have a reasonable conversation with someone who's not interested in an equal and mutually respectful relationship (and maybe doesn't even know what one looks like) about what went wrong. You cannot fix him. If he persists in trying to contact you just block him. Do not engage. If he somehow gets through to you on the phone, just tell him you've made your decision and you don't want him in your life anymore. You've already told him why, no need to repeat yourself. He'll be guilty of harassment if he persists in bothering you. Lastly, remember you're grieving the loss of what might have been, not what was. Your relationship was fundamentally unhealthy dotted with some fun times. Stay strong!

@freddosarebest

My dad called me an ”arsehole magnet.”
I think you might be one too, if that makes you feel any better.
At the very least, it might make you laugh a bit.

Unfortunately he'll be back. He's ghosting you hoping you'll come back begging him for attention. When that doesn't work you'll have begging from him, tears and flowers. When that doesn't work he'll get nasty. Keep yourself safe op.

Ah, I had one very like this. I used to wrack my brains over what I had done.
Please walk away and never look back. Block him on everything and walk away. 💐