Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

I’m not trying to say I believe that he does it because he really loves me. Just that that’s always his excuse. And when someone keeps saying that and implying you’re not loving, you sometimes think, is he right? What does loving mean? This whole situation plus my previous toxic relationship has really made me think about that. What does love look like to me? Because it’s not this. It shouldn’t be so hard. Love surely is about being caring and gentle, not demanding. I just haven’t really experienced that.
I am reading a lot about NPD and it’s hard to get my head round that everything he said was just fake but I’m taking baby steps. And we are having a lovely holiday. I’m so glad I came.

From what you are saying, I have a feeling, OP, you're still invested in this relationship to some degree. I'm not a fan of counselling, but I can understand it's necessary for some people at some time in their lives. Maybe consider it to help get your thoughts in order and stop second-guessing yourself?

I say this because almost every commentator in this thread has identified this man as a narcissist - not just a little bit narcissistic, but a full-blown beyond redemption narcissist - yet you still seem to be wondering if he might be right when he accuses you of not being loving.

In the nicest possible way, please get help.

"We have had this same argument before. He cited it as a reason for dumping me before. Also, after jsut 3 weeks of talking, he sent me a pissed off email because I missed a call from him! Apparently I was a bad communicator. And I still am now. He seemed so wronged last night and tries to make me feel like I’d neglected him cruelly."

From your last post I'm relieved to see you're learning about narcissism. It's awful (in my case it's my "mother" and she's covert which is horrific) but the more you know the better. The Freedom Programme would probably help you learn how to see these abusive people very early in a potential relationship.

The paragraph of yours I've just quoted illustrates how he has taken no responsibility for his behaviour, he has blamed you for a situation he has created. His denials of his behaviour are so utterly gaslighting. He is horrible. The love-bombing stage is well and truly over and his true colours are beaming out.
I know you're concerned about blocking him, but think perhaps you should consider having a chat with the police about him and then blocking him after telling him to stay away from you and your family; if anything happens call them straight away.

Don't blame yourself what happened, it's not your fault there are people like that out there. But do educate yourself, and be kind to yourself. Enjoy the rest of your holiday, you deserve it!

You have done so well to recognise this relationship is not right for you and to extract yourself. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a big pat on the back for getting out now.

Apparently texts and a couple of quick calls were not enough, I should have emailed too and called more. Or I should have sat him down and told him we weren’t going to be in contact while I was away (which I didn’t want to, I was never trying to be out of contact!)

Just look at the ways he's dictating how you ought to behave towards him, OP. And of course, while you're concentrating on keeping him happy with all the things you should be doing, you don't have headspace for other stuff, do you? like DC, DM, work, hobbies, friends...every minute should be devoted to keeping him happy and worrying that he isn't.

He reckons he isn't controlling? he's having a laugh.

‘ Won’t let me’ - big red flag.

The fact you've used the phrase "he won't let me" sums it up. You ARE allowed to choose what you do. Life is too short to be controlled by other people.

I know it’s not the point of the thread but why the feck are you emailing each other? Thats not a normal way to communicate with your partner is it? It seems very odd

He’s as controlling as fuck. You’ve done the absolute right thing ending it - just please don’t let him talk you round with empty promises.

No no no 🚩

I know it’s not the point of the thread but why the feck are you emailing each other?

@SamW98 I’m glad you asked this, I was wondering the same.

The fact th t you stated DP 'wont LET you' is indeed a red flag!

He doesn’t have a smart phone (yeah.. I know..) so communicates longer messages by email and we got in a habit of it between seeing each other. Before anyone says, it’s not a burner phone, he is one of those people who thinks tech is bad and gets offended by social media, and I have seen him answer the phone to lots of people on the phone so I know it’s his main/only phone.

I feel he has dictated our communication on threat of breaking up, which seems odd when he is so dramatic about missing me, why was our relationship always under threat if he loved me so much? I’ve never been told how to communicate before. And coming from someone without a smart phone it was extra annoying. For instance when I was abroad because he didn’t have WhatsApp to do WiFi calling he made us have zoom calls (that I had to set up.) which still wasn’t enough… zoom, email, texts. We had a big argument on my last day because he felt I had been neglectful as we hadn’t talked every day. But then when I suggested breaking up he chased me down for a week.

it is odd processing all this now. I think the boiled frog analogy is scarily accurate.

This man has issues and he is not safe to be with. Please stay away from him.

All the flags, all shades of red. Just tell him no

Quite a pattern of sabotaging and dominating any time you spend apart.

That's how controlling behaviour is. I was scared of saying so much woth my ExH (note ex). If you are altering your behaviour so as not to trigger him please get out now OP. Said out of concern x

You're obviously NOT happy with his behaviour so just say NO loudly but politely giving the very legitimate reasons you have stated here...See how he reacts, read the signs and take it from there BUT sadly I would say that the signs are already written LARGE?! 😥BTW I am 75 with a lot of life and relationship experience if that counts for anything these days?! 🙄

I would not be walking away from him......I would be running!!
Possessive, controlling and you are anxious of his reaction. MASSIVE red flags. Get out now OP

I would tell him that your mum is taking you elsewhere for the week when you get there, so you won't be at your mum's place, and he won't be able to come and drop in on you.

He thinks you’re ‘playing away’. Take him up on it. Red flag for me too

I haven’t got time right now to explain it all @freddosarebest but I’ve been where you are now, and you need to extricate yourself from this situation quickly and firmly. Use simple language, leave him in no doubt, no platitudes, not an inch for him to find a way back. E.g. I do not want to be in a relationship with you anymore, I do not love you, I cannot see a future with you, I have made my mind up and do not wish to discuss it with you. I do not want to see or hear from you again. Goodbye.
Then, once you are home, if he turns up to see you with flowers or angry or in any way, tell him firmly that it is not wanted, you thought you’d made it clear and that if he doesn’t leave immediately, you will call the Police. Have a contingency plan with a neighbour or friend to come to your aid immediately.

Oh my goodness he really is the most manipulative headfuck going!

"Glad you've got over missing me."

Ugh what a slimy, self-absorbed, word-twisting, agenda-seeking, suffocating wanker. I am sorry to say.

He's textbook and yes, the boiled frog analogy applies. Poor you. Not your fault. You were only looking for love.

8 months OP, 8 measly months! That is nothing! He's not a "partner", and most of us would barely have introduced him to our DC by this point! How can this have happened twice with this man already?
I think you need to slow down, and he needs to butt out. Red flags everywhere here. And you seem too naive

I just watched a Instagram post by jimmy on relationships and it was entitled naive meets narcissist. It immediately reminded me of your situation (I'm not saying you are naive btw) it's worth a watch!

Back away from this individual PDQ.