Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

Yeah I'd say even text rather than email. No problem for 8 months, several of which sound like they've been an absolute stressful nightmare. Text helps make it short and not sweet, just like he's made your relationship. However you do it though, be very clear that it is over so don't be nice about it. You don't want it dragging on.

You should've just told him to fuck off then when he told you to end it.

He is once again training you to behave.

A grown man telling you his love fades if he doesn't get a bloody phone call every day? Controlling as fuck.

Desperate to move in. Then will gradually control your every movement, every conversation.
Complain you put your kids first.
Stop you having/seeing friends.
Stop you visiting your mum.

Do not waste time with an email full of waffle trying to get him to understand his behaviour. He knows exactly what he's doing and will only gaslight you by twisting back so it's your fault.

Don't give him the satisfaction or head space.

Just text. Not working out. Bye.

You really need to do some more research and reading around the beginnings of abuse.

It is absolutely inappropriate behaviour and the beginnings of abuse. That's how 'subtle not so subtle' it starts

It's encouraging her to make excuses for him.

Something all victims of domestic abuse do.

I am a psychotherapist dealing with DV and I'm also concerned about your advice!!

👏🏻👏🏻🤣

He said “I’ll remember this when we are back”

He's threatening you OP. You dared to speak out and now you will be punished until you bow down to his superiority. This is how DV starts. Get out and don't look back.

Its a process. They wait until they feel they have you hooked.
They gradually isolate you from everything else that takes your attention away from them - your friends, your family, your pets, your hobbies.
They use a subtle mix of intermittent rewards and punishments.

The one red flag you watch out for is feeling nervous, 'walking in eggshells' around them. Changing your behaviour to manage their emotions.

I sent a short email saying I didn’t think this was healthy for us anymore and I was done. He’s driving today so I doubt he’s seen it. Tbh, I am nervous to block him. I worry that it might cause him to get really angry and retaliate in some way when he’s back in the city, like hassling me around my kids (he knows where they go to school). Does anyone have any advice on grey rock vs blocking for someone like this? I have been reading threads about narcs on here and it’s eerie.

my head also feels fried today. On the phone he tried to make me feel like such a dick. Saying that because I sent a loving email and we had sex the day before I left, I had left him feeling “amazing” and then when contact reduced since I’ve been away, it’s really upset him. He flat out said he wasn’t controlling and his expectations were not high but I should know that he needs contact while we are apart “as he really loves me and it hurts”. Apparently texts and a couple of quick calls were not enough, I should have emailed too and called more. Or I should have sat him down and told him we weren’t going to be in contact while I was away (which I didn’t want to, I was never trying to be out of contact!) We have had this same argument before. He cited it as a reason for dumping me before. Also, after jsut 3 weeks of talking, he sent me a pissed off email because I missed a call from him! Apparently I was a bad communicator. And I still am now. He seemed so wronged last night and tries to make me feel like I’d neglected him cruelly. I really have just been here trying to enjoy the trip and I have been texting a little but we have been out most of the time. I know nobody would admit to being controlling but he was kind of gaslighting me about this. It makes me think if we lived together would I face this whenever I did anything without him? Saying that, he has said to me before he would feel left out if I did stuff with my dc without him if we lived together. Something my ex H used to say, even if he didn’t want to do the thing we were doing.

I just want to be a mum and to enjoy my life. Why is that so hard for some men?

after jsut 3 weeks of talking, he sent me a pissed off email because I missed a call from him!

really worrying that you didn't cut him off immediately when this happened!

@MiltonNorthern i know. I was so shocked as he had been so lovely and it was all so new, I remember apologising profusely. I wanted to believe how he made
me feel. Now I know it was worrying.

Even if all of that was true - all that means is that you aren't the right person for him!!!

If you don't block him, he's going to carry on trying to make you feel guilty or convince you you are wrong.

All you need to remember is that you don't owe him a relationship with you.

I would block him on everything. If he works to get around it, go to the police.

Every post makes him sound worse than the prior one!

It’s been effective at making me question if I did something wrong or if I have been unfair to him. I did ring him the first night and the next afternoon and we texted, I didn’t email because I didn’t have the time tbh. I thought he was going to be busy with his friend. I also got a couple of messages saying how sad he is because he misses me which made me feel guilty/stressed and when I replied saying “don’t be sad” he said “I’m glad you’ve gotten over feeling sad about missing me”. It just seems so immature. I don’t know, maybe I’m seeking reassurance I didn’t mess this up, but I also know that I didn’t do anything wrong!? How much is it normal to communicate when you’re on separate holidays? Ughhh. my tendency to feel guilty is something I think he is well aware of.

Just send it and block.
The updates do not make him look any better.

FWIW I'm with a lovely and secure man who makes me feel loved. He's generous and kind to me. When I go away to family we sometimes don't speak or text for several days. We're both busy and we let each other get on with whatever we're doing. There's always a lot to catch up on when I get home, which is lovely. We're in our late 50s. Feels normal to me.

When I answered in his 3rd call in a row last night and he sounded “normal” I was like, I thought something was wrong?! Then asked if he had a problem with me being away with my mum. He totally denied it. He was like “I don’t know what you’re talking about, everything’s fine”. Despite his weird email saying he was going to extend his trip, his messages saying he hadn’t “gotten over” us being apart and I clearly had, his repeated phone calls/emails. Like I had imagined everything that made me start this thread. Maybe I did imagine it!?! But I don’t think so. I know I’ve felt nervous about not ringing him, etc. I felt pressured to answer the phone because he rang 3 times in a row. I need to get a grip.

Block him.. And then you know for sure he won't be ringing.... Any hassle irl you ring the police. They take stalking more seriously now... As they should..

Do not respond to any further emails, text messages or phone calls, don't block if you don't want to but responding only fuels his fire.

He will try everything he can to make you feel like this is your fault for not keeping in touch enough, telling him how special he is, how much you love him.

Silence is your best reply.

I was in a relationship like this and it was nightmare at the end when I finally realised. His final parting shot on New Years Eve because I would not go and meet him to talk was to send me a pic of a bridge and that he was gonna jump and it would be my fault, I had had enough at this point constant calling, texting etc so I told him to enjoy his flight and go to fucking hell. Not my finest moment but I had reached the end of my tether between this and all the other stuff he had did.

He realised that I was not going to do what he wanted me to do so he in theory left me alone after that, but for a few months I did get the feeling that I was being watched but decided that I was not going to let him win.

If he gets nasty please keep all emails and texts as you can take them to the police and they will have a word with him and tell him to leave you alone.

My intention is not to frighten you but to hopefully make you aware of what you can do if you need to.

I just don’t understand why time apart has to be full of reassurance and intensity. No I didn’t send flowery emails the last few days, yes I did respond to texts when I got them, but I also didn’t interrupt days out for phone calls just so he could tick them off the list of me stil being interested. It’s like he thinks love is only real when it’s constantly intense. It’s so unsustainable.

thank you for the support. This has been a hard couple of days.

He's not going to stop trying to confuse and manipulate you. You need to stop his access to you.

It seems like he wants you to have nothing in your life except him.

That's not healthy.

Nor is you wasting your time trying to analyse him.

I would block

Fucks sake OP - DITCH HIM!!!!!

He’s ruining your holiday!

He shouldn’t be in a relationship

Have you met any of his friends - this one he is allegedly going on a trip with??

I know it’s hard when you’re the one in the relationship to see how bad it is but if you decide to stay with him, please please don’t star another thread saying how guilty he makes you feel when you want to do anything without him etc. I think nearly everyone has told you this is only the beginning of some really worrying toxic behaviour and to end it - what you have described in your last few updates just illustrates his lack of boundaries - his need to be the centre of your universe - his over reliance on you to keep him emotionally and mentally (👀) stable. He is TELLING you all of this himself!!!

He’s excusing it by saying it’s bc he REALLY loves you - so all the other happily Marie’s couples who have actually been together longer than 8 months don’t love each other as much do they, bc they’re not suffocating their OH’s by love bombing, gaslighting, punishing, keeping tabs, withholding affection, threatening, harassing etc etc etc???

I’m not usually judgemental, especially on MN but Things are going to escalate and it’s so irresponsible to choose to be with a man like this when you’re responsible for kids still living at home. They will see the negative effect he has on you. As well as teaching them to commit/accept shitty behaviour from partners, what do you think this is doing to THEIR mental and emotional well being?

They don’t get to spend any more time with their grandmother than you do and through you he is spoiling what should be a happy time, creating memories that they should cherish forever. Who knows how long your mother will be around. How will you feel if this is the last holiday you spend with her and your kids?

This narcissist is utter poison.

—Google love bombing, narcissism, behaviour personality disorder, sociopathy…!

He's deliberately trying to ruin your trip. Doing everything to make it about him.
He's so so so awful.
Don't answer any calls. Put him on flight mode and enjoy time you have left on your trip.

You’ve done the right thing. He was a text book emotionally abusive partner. He would have only got worse and it would have coincided with his destruction of your self esteem, causing you to question yourself more and more rather than look where you should have, at him. At this stage you’ve got a little more clarity and it’s easier to extract yourself.