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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

804 replies

freddosarebest · 21/02/2024 22:05

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
pictoosh · 22/02/2024 21:42

wronginalltherightways · 22/02/2024 21:38

I see why he's still available in his 40s ... toxic, controlling, love bombing alternating with 'punishment' ...

Text him you're through, you aren't interested in discussing it, any attempt to contact you will be viewed as harassment, and block him on everything. I wouldn't even engage at this point.

That's a fair assessment in my experience. I know you probably won't extricate yourself quite so cleanly...but I think you should.

Sandia1 · 22/02/2024 21:57

You have so much going for you, OP, and it seems he doesn't! I'm so glad that you are getting some clarity, now that you're away from him. Yes you will miss him if you split, but there will be a lot that you won't miss x

Anele22 · 22/02/2024 22:40

'when he's in punishment mode' - fucking hell

CryptoFascist · 22/02/2024 22:44

Can't believe I didn't recognise this poster.

facepalm

Sceptical123 · 22/02/2024 22:54

freddosarebest · 22/02/2024 21:26

I think you’re right. The thing is I do have strong feelings for him (or have done) and getting my head aroun it being the end, which it really is because I cannot live like this (I have a lot of family overseas, I have dc and live quality time with them, I enjoy travelling and do it a few times a year), is tough, but I think you’re right, his response to a message like that will be very telling. It’s so obvious when he’s in punishment mode. He goes from sending the most ott loving messages/emails to not even saying “love” at the end. This time it’s saying he’s not going to come back as planned, previously it was saying that he might move out of our city(!), or that he might go and visit his ex wife (!!), he never actually does these things, it’s just for a reaction. Pathetic really. He is in his forties, this feels like an immature teenager sulking at me. Today I put my phone on airplane mode and it actually felt great. Had a nice long walk and shopping and lunch with mum and dc, now chilling. And really really thinking about how abnormal it is to be thinking “oh no i know I’m due a nasty message soon” because I went on holiday WHEN HE HAD ALREADY BOOKED ANOTHER HOLIDAY. I think he might’ve booked his trip to punish me actually, remembering back when we had an argument around the time he booked it. Ffs. This thread reallt has helped me see for the first time the pattern and the toxic nature of this relationship, I can’t thank you all enough.

Oh my goodness - this trip was his punishment to you from a previous argument??? 😂😂😂😂🤣 that’s priceless!

What a sweet dose of karma he is about to chug.

Well done OP, you’re clearly a strong, independent woman who has her priorities straight and has called time on this unnecessary shit 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻

IncompleteSenten · 22/02/2024 22:57

CryptoFascist · 22/02/2024 22:44

Can't believe I didn't recognise this poster.

facepalm

What do you mean?

Original poster
freddosarebest · 22/02/2024 23:05

CryptoFascist · 22/02/2024 22:44

Can't believe I didn't recognise this poster.

facepalm

What’s that supposed to mean!?

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 22/02/2024 23:20

Apologies if I'm wrong but there's a poster who keeps returning to start threads about her DP. Gets a long thread each time with many posters telling her he is manipulative and controlling.
Then name changes, starts another thread, gets the same responses.

Everythinggreen · 22/02/2024 23:22

@freddosarebest sometimes it does take outsider points of view to be able to see things from a different angle and make you really reflect back on things you maybe let slide that you wish you hadn't.

Dating when you have young kids is tough, esp once you hit 30s/40s/50s. Dating in general is a battlefield, I see and hear my no DC friend and my with DC friends experiences and I'd say they're both finding it tough for different reasons, and they're both utterly fabulous, easy going women.

One bonus is the older you get, and more dating war scarred you get, the less BS you're willing to put up with and realise what you deserve from a relationship, and drama is just not it.

The perfect man who can match your energy is out there, just don't let this one drag you down and control you. They do say it takes around 6 months for people to even start showing their true colours in a relationship and once they start coming through, there's no way you can hide them again.

Anele22 · 22/02/2024 23:24

CryptoFascist · 22/02/2024 23:20

Apologies if I'm wrong but there's a poster who keeps returning to start threads about her DP. Gets a long thread each time with many posters telling her he is manipulative and controlling.
Then name changes, starts another thread, gets the same responses.

How do you know it’s the same poster each time?

whatsitcalledwhen · 22/02/2024 23:30

The only difference between ending it tomorrow and ending it in a week is that one way the anxiety about doing so will be done and the other way the anxiety about doing so will last for another week.

Band aid it. Rip it off, done.

Change locks, say you don't want further contact as you feel a clean break is best and that you've made your mind up so it's not a negotiation.

You're not a passenger in your own life. You're living it, it's not happening to you. Realising that is hugely empowering.

Original poster
freddosarebest · 23/02/2024 03:20

He called me 3 times tonight and I picked up and asked him straight out why he wasn’t ok with me having this time with my mum (I had a couple drinks so it just poured out) He completely denied that was the case and however accused me of completely changing towards him when I’m away because I didn’t reply to a couple of emails he sent me, and because I haven’t rung him in the morning and/or evening each day, I have communicated via texts and he doesn’t feel loved anymore, and he says it’s great for me if I am able to ‘hold on’ to the love we have when we are together, but his needs more communication etc, and he doesn’t understand why I might communicate less when I’m away and he even kind of turned this on me to make me seem like a dick, saying I just want to be “entertained” by whoever I’m with at the time. He doesn’t view himself as controlling or unreasonable at all. I was so angry being berated like this not for the first time and I told him that. He said “I’ll remember this when we are back”. He also told me to end it if I want to. I was really disgusted at his tone and what he said about me, and a bit ashamed to say I hung up. I’m now drafting an e mail which feels harsh but I just cannot anymore.

OP posts:
StepIntoMyOffice · 23/02/2024 03:51

Treat this as the final nail in the coffin OP. Cut the cord and free yourself from living in anticipation of his moods/reactions. I wouldn't let it drag on either, tell him it's over and to collect any stuff he has at your house once you're back, and then block him and move on. People like this are leaches and will suck all of your energy if you allow them to. Don't engage. You'll feel so much lighter once he's out of your life and you'll probably realise he brought more stress than joy in hindsight.

Original poster
freddosarebest · 23/02/2024 03:58

He is jealous of my mum right? He was like “you won’t even need me if you go overseas to see her, you’ll have her to talk to, you only want me in our city when you have nothing else going on”. What a fucking leap from me going away for a few days (on a pretty good note originally) and not having long phone convos. After 8 months why couldn’t he just trust me and be secure in us for a few days at a time without needing constant reinforcement. I feel so sad/angry about how this has turned out.

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 23/02/2024 04:38

Good for you for hanging up. Never answer another of his calls. It will drive him insane that you hung up on him and had the last word.

Is he a man in his forties or a 14 year old girl? FFS

He has intentionally tried to ruin this trip for you- don’t let him succeed! He is far too needy for a man of his age and his insecurity is corrosive - but that’s his problem. You will feel so much lighter when he’s out your life. Is it even worth the email? He may feel justified not to even read it - or be compelled to fire a scathing one back ignoring every point you raise. He’s hardly going to take anything from your perspective on board is he. It may feel satisfying to get it all of your chest but is it worth it - him seeing how much he has got to you? You may feel it is, which is obviously up to you. What I would advise is to end on the positive optimism of the rest of your visit with your mum and kids so he’s not feeling any satisfaction whatsoever in putting a dampener on your holiday.

Sceptical123 · 23/02/2024 04:41

I bet this ‘friend’ he’s gone on this punishment trip with doesn’t even exist by the way, or isn’t with him anyway. He probably planned to check into a Travelodge and sit it out so you mourned his absence. What a fucking tool 😂😂🤣

BCBird · 23/02/2024 04:43

Even if it was a partner over 8y I would not be happy. It changes the dynamics completely if he muscles in. He hasn't been invited. Hold ur ground- this is onli the start. Enjoy ur family time.

Newestname002 · 23/02/2024 05:06

@freddosarebest

He's really showing you his colours here and after only such a very short few months - not even years. Neither you nor your children deserve such an emotional vampire inserting himself into your lives so do, please end this controlling relationship, once and for all.

If you want to send an email to make it absolutely clear to him then do - don't leave any avenue for him to come back to you and tell him you don't want to hear anything more from him from this point on. Once it's sent then block him on all platforms and get in with living your life.

If he's ever had keys to your home then change the locks or add another security lock so he can't just wander in when he feels like it. Don't rely on him just returning keys to you. 🌹

frequentlyfrazzled · 23/02/2024 05:20

You know this isn't healthy. It is always sad ending a relationship, but look how he is causing all this drama, when all you are doing is trying to enjoy some quality time with your mum and kids. If you are not ready to make a decision just yet then maybe try to disengage from his drama until you get home. Block him if necessary and try and enjoy the time with your family. Good luck.

Justleaveitblankthen · 23/02/2024 05:27

Ugh! Your latest update..

What a boringly crap and sad little man he is. Emotional blackmail at it's finest.
How fucking dare he be laying this shit on you after 8 months?!
I wish you had ended it right then on the phone when he bleated that you should.

Draft your email, get rid and don't let him crawl back.

W0tnow · 23/02/2024 05:41

You want to be entertained by who you’re on holiday with? Well, yeah. That’s why you go on holiday! Knob.

CaveMum · 23/02/2024 07:34

Send the email to finish it and then ghost him. Block him in every way possible - I hope to god he doesn’t have a key to your place but if he does, get a locksmith the second you get back home.

Chalk this one up to experience, consider looking at the Freedom Programme to help you avoid getting into a similar situation in the future, and enjoy some single time with your DC.

Drapion · 23/02/2024 07:47

Why didn't you end it? He gave you an out you didn't take it!!!

You can't reason with the unreasonable and his clingyness knows no bounds! Get rid this isn't a relationship that is going to give you happiness.

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 23/02/2024 07:51

Imagine how jealous he would be if he saw you with your dc.

barkymcbark · 23/02/2024 08:00

He's not jealous of your mum, he's jealous of everyone and anything that dares to take the focus away from him!

Run as fast as you can op.

Any good partner would be happy you're spending time with your family and not expect you to be communicating with them. He is the polar opposite of a good partner