Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

So it's 9 months now but happened at 7 months and you put him before your child and your mums Christmas.....nope he's a wrong un

I bet you can't go out with friends either

It is a massive red flag and happened to me 6 months into a relationship. They gradually make it so difficult for you to see anyone on your own that your are effectively cut off from friends and family. I could see what was happening and ended it, which he could hardly believe as it wasn’t him doing it.

Because he wants to control you and it won't take him long to isolate you from everyone

You had me at this one.

There are so many warning signs here.

First of all - trust your feelings and your gut.

You're nervous of telling him how you feel, for fear of how he'll respond.
You want to just have time with your DM and DC - perfectly normal and reasonable - but he ignores what you want and tries to force his presence on you.
He's controlling.
He probably doesn't trust you (seems to want to check up on you)
And / or is insecure to the degree that he will forever be following you around / checking up on you / demanding things of you that you don't want to give.
He takes your energy and emotion and time away from your children.
He sulks when he doesn't get his own way.
He won't let you have space.
You're feeling guilty for wanting a week with your mum and children, when he's the one who's being (very) unreasonable.

He won't get better. He'll likely get worse. At best, he's demanding, high maintenance and insecure, and puts his wants before yours.
At worst, he's controlling, manipulative and could turn more abusive.

Please leave him, and quickly.

Well that's a worry for a start. Why do you have to speak every day?

And he thought he'd tell you that his family think YOU'RE the red flag for not introducing him to your children? That sounds manipulative and gaslighting to me. Very worrying. I don't like the sound of him at all. He doesn't respect your boundaries, OP.

Controlling red flag alert 🚩

@MiltonNorthern Sorry, but you cannot tell me my opinion is wrong, just because it does not align with yours. We shall have to agree to disagree.

I can. The definition of domestic abuse is not a subjective one. Your understanding of what constitutes domestic abuse is incorrect according to all experts on the subject (women's aid, refuge etc) who conduct research and influence policy on the subject.
You might not want to acknowledge the relationship was abusive but it was.

I can and still disagree.

Run OP ! He’s making you miserable and guilty for nothing- not normal and not healthy

I haven’t been in contact with him today except for a brief text, tbh trying to figure out how to approach splitting. I feel really nervous. He sent me 2 texts saying how much he misses me then when I didn’t reply he sent a very curt email with a totally different tone saying he will be pushing back his journey to our home city. I know this is meant as a punishment. Honestly, we haven’t had time away in months, why can’t he just enjoy his time with his friend instead of obsessing and being dramatic about us? I know if I ring him or pick up the phone he’ll try and make me feel bad. Realising this is a clear pattern. He cannot stand me being elsewhere and busy.

...because he's a controlling, needy and attention seeking man baby who you are better off without.

Why not text him now and say the relationship isn't working out and you no longer want to see him? Just get it over and done with.

You're doing the right thing thinking about splitting and it's so good you're realising the red flags when it's still early into the relationship.

If you're not ready to tell him right now, perhaps reply to his push back of the trip and tell him that sounds like a great idea because it means you both get to spend quality time with your loved ones and can catch up for a nice meal afterwards and will have lots to talk about. His response to that will tell you all you need to know and possibly give you the courage to just tell him you're done.

You're barely even a couple. Just text him and tell him you find him too controlling and you think it's best you don't see each other again. Then, when message sent, block him on the phone and on all social media. Easy. Two steps.

It's not that difficult!

I actually agree with @pinkyredrose. To my mind you could save a lot of time and upset just ending it now. I think this is highly advisable.

However, you can always follow @Everythinggreen's advice. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
I'll bet my last tenner he's not happy.

This for the win.
Simple, to the point, no room for confusion.
I'd stop procrastinating and get it done.
Give him his time back - he can stop thinking about how he's going to punish your delayed response.

When you do it, if it was me I would change the locks before you go away. (If he has his own key)

Oh yeah, if it was me I'd just get it over with, but I can understand some people get tied in knots doing it. Sometimes they need that one straw to break the camels back and perhaps an arsey or nasty response to a perfectly pleasant comment could do it.

I think you’re right. The thing is I do have strong feelings for him (or have done) and getting my head aroun it being the end, which it really is because I cannot live like this (I have a lot of family overseas, I have dc and live quality time with them, I enjoy travelling and do it a few times a year), is tough, but I think you’re right, his response to a message like that will be very telling. It’s so obvious when he’s in punishment mode. He goes from sending the most ott loving messages/emails to not even saying “love” at the end. This time it’s saying he’s not going to come back as planned, previously it was saying that he might move out of our city(!), or that he might go and visit his ex wife (!!), he never actually does these things, it’s just for a reaction. Pathetic really. He is in his forties, this feels like an immature teenager sulking at me. Today I put my phone on airplane mode and it actually felt great. Had a nice long walk and shopping and lunch with mum and dc, now chilling. And really really thinking about how abnormal it is to be thinking “oh no i know I’m due a nasty message soon” because I went on holiday WHEN HE HAD ALREADY BOOKED ANOTHER HOLIDAY. I think he might’ve booked his trip to punish me actually, remembering back when we had an argument around the time he booked it. Ffs. This thread reallt has helped me see for the first time the pattern and the toxic nature of this relationship, I can’t thank you all enough.

Airplane mode all night as well OP and just do it tomorrow. Rip the plaster off it’s done then. He’s got red flags all over him

I see why he's still available in his 40s ... toxic, controlling, love bombing alternating with 'punishment' ...

Text him you're through, you aren't interested in discussing it, any attempt to contact you will be viewed as harassment, and block him on everything. I wouldn't even engage at this point.