Page 15 | Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

freddosarebest · 2024-02-21T22:05:03+00:00

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans? this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

cerisepanther73 · 22/02/2024 13:42

Typo omission mistakes wants you

RaeJae · 22/02/2024 13:52

I’d just like to know what DP and DC stand for lol.

chiwwy · 22/02/2024 13:53

RaeJae · 22/02/2024 13:52

I’d just like to know what DP and DC stand for lol.

Google Mumsnet Acronyms. It's an eye opener.

RaeJae · 22/02/2024 13:54

Do you know what they stand for though?

wronginalltherightways · 22/02/2024 13:59

freddosarebest · 21/02/2024 22:10

I actually feel nervous at the thought of saying no.

This is the actual issue.

If you genuinely feel this way, he's not a good guy for you. Don't ignore your gut.

Seeingadistance · 22/02/2024 13:59

RaeJae · 22/02/2024 13:52

I’d just like to know what DP and DC stand for lol.

DP = Dear Partner
DC = Dear Child(ren)

DH for Husband, W for Wife etc.

Coyoacan · 22/02/2024 14:01

Can I ask why posters are talking about domestic abuse/violence from what I’ve said? That’s not the situation from my perspective and I feel even more nervous now

Well his conduct does bring back bad memories of the one abusive bf I ever had. At first, if I announced that I was going to see friends, he would say that he wanted to spend that afternoon with me and, idiotically, I thought that sounds nice and changed my plans to spend the time with him. Then when I eventually did insist on seeing my friends, he would kick off and make the whole thing extremely unpleasant. Not long afterwards he started into physical violence and trying to make me feel bad about myself.

Everythinggreen · 22/02/2024 14:05

freddosarebest · 21/02/2024 22:12

I went to see family after Xmas and his family live in the same area so he booked to go and see his, then drove up to spend time with me and persuaded me to go and see his family for a night and 2 days which meant leaving my dc with my family as they haven’t been introduced to him yet. So this will be the 2nd time now. I will see him when we are both back next week so I don’t get it. I just want to see my mum.

Hate to be another to point this out, he isn't a DP after less than a year and hasn't even met your DC!!! He is someone you are dating to decide if he is someone you want in you and your DCs life long term.
This has red flags all over for me, not just for the length of time, but thar he is happy to pull you away from your DC, who he hasn't met, when you're all on a trip. Does this really sit well with you?

twingiraffes · 22/02/2024 14:08

freddosarebest · 21/02/2024 23:08

Can I ask why posters are talking about domestic abuse/violence from what I’ve said? That’s not the situation from my perspective and I feel even more nervous now.

Because all his demands and sulking and manipulation are coercive control, which is abuse.

I really hope you have decided to end things with this man.

Conniebygaslight · 22/02/2024 14:08

RaeJae · 22/02/2024 13:52

I’d just like to know what DP and DC stand for lol.

I'd say dear partner and dear child/children at a guess

yesmen · 22/02/2024 14:16

You do not have to explain anything - just say "this time is for my mum exclusively. I will see you when we get back. '

If he shows up send him away.

MiltonNorthern · 22/02/2024 14:18

Differentfromtherest · 22/02/2024 12:49

I think defining a relationship as abusive based solely on one aspect like control is oversimplifying matters.

I encountered controlling behaviour from a past relationship, particularly in terms of excessive texting, questioning my whereabouts, and accusations of infidelity - if I didn't answer the phone or respond to a text message quickly enough.

I did not perceive his behaviour as abusive, but it did signal significant insecurities and trust issues on his part.

We didn't live together, both owned our properties and both financially independent. I had the freedom of choice to make my own decisions and decided I was not going to be controlled by anyone, so walked away.

Not everyone has the luxury to exit such situations, especially if they're tied to the person through children, finances, or a lack of alternative living arrangements. When trapped or unable to escape from a relationship that is causing harm, whether it's physical or mental, that's when I would consider it to be abusive.

But that is just my interpretation and I respect that others may not agree.

You're wrong though - the relationship you are describing was abusive and you don't have to be trapped in a relationship for it to be considered abusive. Coercive control can make a person feel trapped even when to outsiders it should be easy to leave.

Turtletunes · 22/02/2024 14:33

My advice would be to dump him I'm afraid.

Your post reminded me of a time years ago that my OH tried to insert himself into plans I had that didn't include him. It was when a friend of mine decided to relocate from the south of England to the north. She wanted me to drive her up north to view some houses because she wasn't a confident driver, which I was happy to do and we planned a night away to view some houses on the next day before driving home again. My OH didn't really like this friend but said "I could come with you. I could drive you both." I said no and he didn't come but this was fairly typical of him not wanting me to do things independently of him, along with him phoning me 5 times a day at work, and giving me ornaments and toys he wanted me to put on my desk to stake his territory I suppose.

Remembering this led me on though to remember something else I haven't thought of in years. I worked with the husband of the friend who wanted to move to the north, and was friends with him independently of her. (And I mean nothing more than friends, I liked him but would find horse manure more attractive and I think he felt the same way.) We had conversations by personal email and one day he sent me a random one that was a bit weird, that said something in it about women getting a cheap thrill from sitting on a washing machine on the spin cycle. It was a bit strange and seemed out of the context of our ongoing conversation so I laughed and showed my OH who closed down my email account without consulting me, because he said I "couldn't be trusted".

30 years with this person and I'm trying to escape his controlling narcissistic behaviour, because the small things didn't mean much on their own in the early days. At the start, I was independent with a good career, my own house and car. How things have changed and what a doormat I have become, financially trapped for years and now scared to leave even though I have enough money, totally brainwashed, a shadow of who I used to be.
Beware.

Duckswaddle · 22/02/2024 14:49

Fuck me love, just get rid. He brings nothing but anxiety. Focus on your fab life and lovely kids.

chiwwy · 22/02/2024 14:51

RaeJae · 22/02/2024 13:54

Do you know what they stand for though?

Yes, I do. By Googling Mumsnet Acronyms when I joined MN!

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2024 14:51

Wife2b · 22/02/2024 08:26

Maybe he wants to meet your Mum? If it’s just for one day I don’t see an issue with it. Surely it would be nice for him to get to know her too.

Now is not the time as he hasn't met the OP's children yet

and this is NOT all about him

Seeingadistance · 22/02/2024 14:53

Turtletunes · 22/02/2024 14:33

My advice would be to dump him I'm afraid.

Your post reminded me of a time years ago that my OH tried to insert himself into plans I had that didn't include him. It was when a friend of mine decided to relocate from the south of England to the north. She wanted me to drive her up north to view some houses because she wasn't a confident driver, which I was happy to do and we planned a night away to view some houses on the next day before driving home again. My OH didn't really like this friend but said "I could come with you. I could drive you both." I said no and he didn't come but this was fairly typical of him not wanting me to do things independently of him, along with him phoning me 5 times a day at work, and giving me ornaments and toys he wanted me to put on my desk to stake his territory I suppose.

Remembering this led me on though to remember something else I haven't thought of in years. I worked with the husband of the friend who wanted to move to the north, and was friends with him independently of her. (And I mean nothing more than friends, I liked him but would find horse manure more attractive and I think he felt the same way.) We had conversations by personal email and one day he sent me a random one that was a bit weird, that said something in it about women getting a cheap thrill from sitting on a washing machine on the spin cycle. It was a bit strange and seemed out of the context of our ongoing conversation so I laughed and showed my OH who closed down my email account without consulting me, because he said I "couldn't be trusted".

30 years with this person and I'm trying to escape his controlling narcissistic behaviour, because the small things didn't mean much on their own in the early days. At the start, I was independent with a good career, my own house and car. How things have changed and what a doormat I have become, financially trapped for years and now scared to leave even though I have enough money, totally brainwashed, a shadow of who I used to be.
Beware.

I’m so sorry to hear this. Perhaps you would consider starting your own thread to gain the moral support, encouragement and practical advice to get you out and living your own life again.

It’s hard, but not impossible and here on MN you’d have us all standing with you.

chiwwy · 22/02/2024 14:54

Wife2b · 22/02/2024 08:26

Maybe he wants to meet your Mum? If it’s just for one day I don’t see an issue with it. Surely it would be nice for him to get to know her too.

He's already met her mum.

Newestname002 · 22/02/2024 14:59

@Turtletunes

^30 years with this person and I'm trying to escape his controlling narcissistic behaviour, because the small things didn't mean much on their own in the early days. At the start, I was independent with a good career, my own house and car. How things have changed and what a doormat I have become, financially trapped for years and now scared to leave even though I have enough money, totally brainwashed, a shadow of who I used to be.
Beware.^

You must have some type of strength to still be standing after so many years of abuse - and quietly planning. You know that, however afraid you are now, you now need to "feel the fear and do it anyway". It's wonderful you've got enough money to escape - if necessary do a moonlight flit when he's off doing something for a few hours or day or overnight and take only what is easily portable if necessary, including items of sentimental value which he might destroy, plus passports, marriage and birth certificates and any other documentation you'll need.

Re the documents, take a photo of them on your phone and send them to your work email address and, once you've checked they're OK, delete them from your sent emails and empty the trash bin. If you have someone you can 100% trust, get them to hold the originals safely for you.

Imagine the sense of relief you will feel once you've left - that will grow the longer you are free. 🌹

Toffifee1 · 22/02/2024 15:06

Just tell him how you feel? Wouldn‘t say it‘s a definite red flag, he might just be really into you, but learn to say no to him! Nothing wrong with some exclusive time with your mum/dc!

Conniebygaslight · 22/02/2024 15:11

Turtletunes · 22/02/2024 14:33

My advice would be to dump him I'm afraid.

Your post reminded me of a time years ago that my OH tried to insert himself into plans I had that didn't include him. It was when a friend of mine decided to relocate from the south of England to the north. She wanted me to drive her up north to view some houses because she wasn't a confident driver, which I was happy to do and we planned a night away to view some houses on the next day before driving home again. My OH didn't really like this friend but said "I could come with you. I could drive you both." I said no and he didn't come but this was fairly typical of him not wanting me to do things independently of him, along with him phoning me 5 times a day at work, and giving me ornaments and toys he wanted me to put on my desk to stake his territory I suppose.

Remembering this led me on though to remember something else I haven't thought of in years. I worked with the husband of the friend who wanted to move to the north, and was friends with him independently of her. (And I mean nothing more than friends, I liked him but would find horse manure more attractive and I think he felt the same way.) We had conversations by personal email and one day he sent me a random one that was a bit weird, that said something in it about women getting a cheap thrill from sitting on a washing machine on the spin cycle. It was a bit strange and seemed out of the context of our ongoing conversation so I laughed and showed my OH who closed down my email account without consulting me, because he said I "couldn't be trusted".

30 years with this person and I'm trying to escape his controlling narcissistic behaviour, because the small things didn't mean much on their own in the early days. At the start, I was independent with a good career, my own house and car. How things have changed and what a doormat I have become, financially trapped for years and now scared to leave even though I have enough money, totally brainwashed, a shadow of who I used to be.
Beware.

So sorry to read this....30 years is a long time to feel like you do.
You could try Women's aid, they have forums like this to help women who are trapped in abusive and controlling relationship.
Good luck to you...

chiwwy · 22/02/2024 15:12

Toffifee1 · 22/02/2024 15:06

Just tell him how you feel? Wouldn‘t say it‘s a definite red flag, he might just be really into you, but learn to say no to him! Nothing wrong with some exclusive time with your mum/dc!

Have you read the full thread? Because I think you've missed a lot of his controlling behaviour.

Lotsofsnacks · 22/02/2024 15:17

Sceptical123 · 21/02/2024 22:58

OF COURSE IT DOESN’T!!!!

Give your head a wobble OP!

He needs to be in control. He needs you to do what he wants you to do. Do you not realise that him asking for ‘just an afternoon’ is him attempting to maintain his hold over you by you agreeing to his demand? It could be an hour or 5 minutes - it’s disrupting your plans and confirming his importance/dominance- if you agree then mentally he will have achieved his big TICK - YES! She has done what I said even though she didn’t want to. He will allow you to do this thing without him, but it is still on his terms.

If you dump him I can guarantee (after the anger and silent treatment has passed) he will begin to love bomb you and apologise and win you over so that you begin your relationship with him again - AND THEN HE WILL DUMP YOU.

It will drive him insane that you’ve asserted yourself against him and have taken the power away. He will want/need it back so that he can be the one to end things.

If he ends things before you do, following your next chat - just tell him two words -

Thank you.

Stay strong OP, you can do this x

Edited

Show quote history

This! You need to be strong OP and put yourself first. This guy doesn’t seem to care if he offends you, so why should you. Stop being a pushover, if you don’t want him to meet you on the trip, or even come round one night when you don’t feel like it, just tell him, you need to
set boundaries. Though tbh if it was me, he would be straight in the bin, why would you want to be with someone who makes you uncomfortable, 8 months in! There are plenty of lovely guys out there, he isn’t one. You sound lovely OP, you can do far far better x

Minniliscious · 22/02/2024 15:56

My god - this is awful. Get out now OP.

I regularly fly abroad to see family, my husband would never dream of saying no or try to dictate my plans. It’s healthy to have space from each other now and then.

Crikeyalmighty · 22/02/2024 16:08

@Turtletunes I have a great deal of sympathy. Not that dissimilar here except I don't have the money. It's very much as you say- it doesn't start off like this, it creeps in and the 'oh I'm going to go and see a friend in xyz creeps up to , oh we could stay in xyz and have the weekend there, or the 'I fancy a break in xyz (abroad) with friend then turns into 'what do you want to go there for' ? - wrong time of year etc, etc - I've realised I find very long term relationships constantly being about compromise or 'asking permission' - they never start this way - maybe I've just been unlucky- I find most men very needy