Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

You've only been together 8 months, and you don't live together so he's not your partner he's just a boyfriend/hook up, so I don't know why you can't just text him it's over and block him. You wouldn't have any real emotional investment at this point. And he's abusive and controlling. You being on eggshells about even talking to him about this shows this is an abusive and controlling relationship. He's manipulative. You don't need someone like this who 'won't "let" you', an adult, do what you want. Get out now when there's no investment. There are always other hookups going.

I hope you'll look at The Freedom Programme. If you don't want to do the full course, just look at the materials.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/graphic.php

Make sure you are in a public place or with a friend if you feel you need to end it face to face. I left my exh when he was at work. For safety reasons..
Don't underestimate this man op.

Just reading the thread now, so great to see the evolution of an OP doubting herself to finding her anger and assertiveness.

I think this is a great opportunity to tell him no, you can't see him and see his reaction. Even the slightest push back is unacceptable.

I think I need to end it.

I think this feels right.

You have only been dating for 8 months
He is just your boyfriend

And a real shit one too

He was check up on you

Keep tabs under the guise of wanting to just see meet up with,

Why would he be with you if he doesn't trust you
or
feel that your relationship with him is not secure enough to cope whithout seeing each other all the time?

I 🤔 think he starting to real show his possessive and controlling side

I was on a device I was unable to edit.
Op has already tried saying no he does not listen .!

You stated your job . You are guessing mine !
I stand by what I said . Stating your job does not mean you are good at or have your eyes open at all.

I think you should be proud of yourself, you have listened to your instincts and made a sane choice to move on.

For future, I would worry less about being unreasonable. We are conditioned as women to be nice at all times and it's okay to say nah this relationship isn't worth the hassle and move on (for any reason).

It's better for him too as he is clearly looking for something quite different and it would be awful for you and your kids if you adapted to his needs and made him No.1.

It baffles me when women do that.

Like you said, nothing wrong with the single life. Much better than being in a relationship with a needy manchild.

Get rid.
You don't need all this carry-on.
It's only been 8 months.
Red flags all over the place.

Don't prolong the agony, dump by text immediately. If you do it in person he'll make it hellish.

Agree with this. No in depth explanation needed a simple ‘this isn’t working for me’ text is the answer in this case

I think defining a relationship as abusive based solely on one aspect like control is oversimplifying matters.

I encountered controlling behaviour from a past relationship, particularly in terms of excessive texting, questioning my whereabouts, and accusations of infidelity - if I didn't answer the phone or respond to a text message quickly enough.

I did not perceive his behaviour as abusive, but it did signal significant insecurities and trust issues on his part.

We didn't live together, both owned our properties and both financially independent. I had the freedom of choice to make my own decisions and decided I was not going to be controlled by anyone, so walked away.

Not everyone has the luxury to exit such situations, especially if they're tied to the person through children, finances, or a lack of alternative living arrangements. When trapped or unable to escape from a relationship that is causing harm, whether it's physical or mental, that's when I would consider it to be abusive.

But that is just my interpretation and I respect that others may not agree.

You're describing being scared of him. It's like you don't realise that's what you're feeling but reading what you've written that's what jumps out loud and clear.

Nervous, anxious, fearful, scared.
Recognise that as the huge red flag it is.

glad youve realised op-no ts not normal to rearrange plans to interruot your oliday with your family to see him

i go on oliday witout dh e doesnt get uffy and try and sabotage it

op, you need to be blunt and get away from him. This thing where women are told to consider a man’s feeling is absolute bullshit. I would be clear that you are not into him and don’t want to be in a relationship with him. Be blunt and in no uncertain terms make sure he knows that this relationship is 100% over. If he gets clingy, tell him to stop contacting you and tell him if he continues to do so, you will report him for harrasment to the police.

He's controlling, needy, manipulative. You would really be better off without him and the longer you leave it, the worse his behaviour will get and the harder it will be to break it off.

That’s why he’s doing it, to separate you make you do things his way.
This will only get worse.
The fact you’re worried about saying no to him is very worrying.

🚩🚩
"No bollock brain, I'm only going to see my mum"
If he doesn't like it, tough shit. He doesn't care about pressuring you when it must be obvious you're not overjoyed at meeting up. 🚩🚩

It may be the job of social workers, but it doesn’t follow that they are all good at it. Just look at the number of inquests and domestic homicide reviews in which it has been noted that social workers failed to spot the signs of domestic abuse.

I work with victims of DA too. Your original post is not just wrong, but dangerous. Perhaps you should reflect on why so many on here, including those just as qualified - if not more so - than you, are telling you that you’re wrong.

Oh OP, I really hope you do dump him. He sounds controlling and clingy and this will only get worse.

Only one piece of advice - for anyone going into a new relationship. Say NO at some point, early on. About something small - No, I won't wear the dress/heels/hair up, I don't want to go to that bar, I don't want to meet/go out at all today/this weekend ...
And stick to it. Do not back down - See what happens. If he sulks, storms, cajoles, coaxes or gets angry, WALK! It will never be an equal partnership.

I'd be interested to know what happened when he threatened to break it off , OP? Did you capitulate? Have to 'agree' to something for him? Be a 'better gf' to him? Beg him? (I hope not!!) Or did you just say OK then? (My choice)

OP: I hope your next update is that you’ve got rid.
I’ve been through the same thing - walking on eggshells, a lurch in my stomach every day I saw a message from him pop up…he turned up at my workplace, kept calling my workplace as I’d blocked him.
That was a few years ago, and every time I look back, the relief is immense that he’s no longer in my life.
He brought nothing but chaos and anxiety.
I implore you to end this, this is just the start of it. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to get rid. I had to involve the police in the end.

Leave him. It’s shocking behaviour. At this stage it should be the honeymoon period. He’s a coercive controlling prick. Get rid now.

…And I agree with @ciderhouserules
if he threatens to end it, say that you agree, he’s saved you the trouble and bye bye.
and do not agree to remain friends with him. A clean break, block on everything and no contact.

OP you seem to have made up your mind. You are already thinking and writing about him in past tense.

How soon will you be ready to tell him, quite unequivocally, that you no longer wish to have a relationship with him, that you wish him well, but no longer wish to be in any contact with him?

I hope it's soon.

Please don't feel you need to do this in person - easier and safer is a text message or, if you feel it necessary, by phone. Have someone trusted with you when you let him know as you will need some support - even though you might feel relief also. 🌹

This sounds horrifically like my H. controlling, insecure, & sulky silent treatment. He tried to limit my trips to visit family & friends, or come along as a cloud of disapproval. (including on ski holidays, he doesn't ski )he makes scenes at weddings if I talk to an unknown male, he doesn't want me going out. He has ostracized me from all things that make me, me.
He wants to completely own me. His intention, with some success has been to manipulate & control me for 36 yrs.
Please don't risk it.
Tell him you are spending time with yr Mum, & won't be available, if he doesn't accept it, tell him its not working for you.
Then boot to touch

Please get rid of him. He's not your husband, he's your jailer.