Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

Honestly OP, you will feel so relieved once you’ve dumped him.

I mean, people can want multiple thins that don't make sense. I want to be fit & healthy and also want to eat chocolate brownies for breakfast😆 so wanting to be needed whilst also being attracted to strong, independent women could just be that....

but I suspect not. If being needed is an ego boost, makes him feel important and manly and stronger/smarter than his partner - imagine what a big man he will feel when he takes that position of power/superiority over a really independent and capable woman!

He's like one of those guys who think their magical dick will turn a gay woman straight. You might think you don't need a man, but he is such a fine specimen of manhood that you'd surely change your mind if you just tried!

@MiltonNorthern and also yes of course I am more qualified than the general public, it is literally my job to determine what is/isn’t abusive and if you were actually truly also a social worker you would know this?

If he knows where your mother lives I’d be very wary of him just turning up while you’re there.
He’s obsessive about everything you do, the degree of control is ramping up, isn’t it? He’s got you second guessing yourself and everything you do and say to keep you at his beck and call.
Be aware that his reaction when you end it could be bad, he needs to control women.

For a qualified social worker, you're being remarkably tone deaf about engaging in your own argument on someone else's thread about dealing with their controlling partner. Maybe time to stop now?

@Nambypambypoo you said this If you must know, I was in a very abusive relationship myself for 5 years plus the lengthy unable to get away process. A man who was physically and emotionally abusive, who owned knives and guns he would threaten me with, hand gun, kalashnikov, air rifle which he once shot at me with narrowly missing my head and I head the bullet whistle past my ear. His ex had a pin in her arm where he abused her, he would hit me, rip my hair out my head etc amongst many other things including repeatedly cheating, giving me chlamydia, many, many abuses.

I am so very sorry that you went through all this.

I too was in an abusive relationship and in the group therapy, individual therapy and Freedom Programme sessions I spent months and months shuttling between i learned so very much.

The most striking thing I learned is that our own abuse becomes normalised and we cease to be shocked when we recall it. Others hearing it for the first time are horrified.

What happened to you is horrific, you should not have had to go through that. I know only too well what it is to be trapped and would not wish that on anyone.

your responses here however are deeply worrying. they seem to indicate that because @freddosarebest is not already being hurled from one side of the room to the other, that this is not abuse, and that she should spend time and grey matter considering if he was 'bruised' by divorce, or that perhaps he was insecure etc etc. It's coming across that because what happened to you is worse, that she has nothing to complain about. I'm sure that is not your intention, but your posts do come across as in complete denial somehow.

What @freddosarebest supposed boyfriend is showing her is that she has to do what he says all the time or he will punish her, sulk, strop, get angry, end their relationship. She is already modifying how she lives because of it and frightened of his reaction.

This has all the signs of a relationship that if allowed to continue could very well escalate into a deeply damaging/abusive one. it already has escalated when she has put boundaries in.

If anyone knows anything about controlling/abusive relationships, even so far as reading an article or a book on the subject it's clear that deeply damaging relationships start insidiously at the beginning. She has said no to a few things and he has punished her, they are still only MONTHS into this relationship. Looking back at my own experience, I can only now pinpoint when it started and it was a LONG time before things got nasty.

I think people on this thread mean well when they say that this is abuse/DV in the making etc, but 9 times out of 10, when people use the phrase Red Flags its for controlling, manipulative and abusive behaviour.

My therapist taught me that a relationship doesn't have to be abusive for it to be wrong, it only needs to be wrong for you and that is all that's needed for you to decide to go no further.

That should tell you everything you need to know, especially this early in a relationship.

@Nambypambypoo

If you must know, I was in a very abusive relationship myself for 5 years plus the lengthy unable to get away process. A man who was physically and emotionally abusive, who owned knives and guns he would threaten me with, hand gun, kalashnikov, air rifle which he once shot at me with narrowly missing my head and I head the bullet whistle past my ear. His ex had a pin in her arm where he abused her, he would hit me, rip my hair out my head etc amongst many other things including repeatedly cheating, giving me chlamydia, many, many abuses.

I'm really sorry you went through that and I'm glad you got away from your abuser.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you now see less obvious abuse (like coercive control) through the lens of your previous relationship so see what is clearly controlling behaviour as 'just' insecurity that OP can help placate.

We know from OP that he:

Sulks when she doesn't do what he wants
'Badgers' her until she does do what she wants
Pushes her for moving in / kids etc when she has said she isn't ready
Tells her that he wants to feel needed and will lose interest if she doesn't start showing that to an extent she is happy with
Continues to push for things she has said she does not want
And "He gets irritated at little things and is trying to push a very intense relationship unlike other ones I have had."

I don't for a second believe that if during a safeguarding training session, you shared all the information OP has provided and said that you were satisfied the wasn't displaying any coercively controlling or emotionally abusive behaviour, you would be told you were delivering paramount standards of care and adequately safeguarding OP if she was a service user. Are you really claiming that you would be?!

If you really are a social worker then you desperately need some intense, up to date safeguarding training.

there is also a big difference between displaying some behaviors which suggest attempting to assert some control over a relationship’s outcomes/progression and abuse

bloody hell. Your ignorance and arrogance is really worrying. You are not more 'qualified' than most because you are simply wrong, dangerously so. As a social worker and manager of very many years I've met a LOT of social workers who are just really quite shit. Having the qualification doesn't make you good at your job.

Not singling you out here, but i just wanted to say that when I was on the freedom programme, the women running the course would share examples they had picked up along the way.

One of them was a woman who had an extremely violent and abusive OH and when they were out he would blow kisses to her. everyone thought that was sweet and an example of what a lovely bloke he was.

She knew different, that it meant that she would cop it when she got home.

YOU can't define what is or is not abuse, you know that abusers will do whatever it takes for them to keep control. the more they need to do, the more it escalates until he breaks the victim. Serial abusers will deploy different tactics to get at the Achilles heel of their victim.

Agree.
Plus he threatens to end the relationship if he doesn't get his own way.

This is an excellent post. It gives words to feelings that a person has but doesnt have the courage or knowledge to voice. I find it very helpful.

She’s reporting a progression in behaviour that’s straight out of the abusers playbook, and you don’t think there’s any cause for concern ? He’s inserted himself uninvited into events the OP has planned without him - all the time knowing it’s not what she wants. He’s changed his own plans to interfere with hers - again knowing it’s not what she wants. He’s putting pressure on to meet her children - again, not what she wants. And the biggest red flag of all, he’s making her afraid to say no, because she’s worried about his reaction.

In an earlier post you said there is also a big difference between displaying some behaviors which suggest attempting to assert some control over a relationship’s outcomes/progression and abuse.

In my opinion that’s exactly what he’s attempting to do - assert control over the relationship. He’s grooming her to accept that control - if she doesn’t comply with his requests she’s told she’s not doing enough for the relationship. He knows she doesn’t want these things, but it doesn’t matter to him, because it’s what he wants. If this isn’t clear abuse, I don’t know what is.

Personally now, I am MORE attuned to what is controlling or manipulative behaviour.

I can spot that subtle change when someone has overegged the pudding, when someone has done something just that bit too far to exert control.

But I just live a normal life now, I'm not a social worker/police officer/support worker or someone who may have become desensitised perhaps.

@freddosarebest , what exactly do you mean by sulking? Can you describe what he does? what do you normally do when has these sulks? Do you ignore them?. He sounds incredibly immature and draining. You say he dumped you once. Was that because you set a boundary he didn’t like? If you said NO to your current situation do you think he would dump you again?. In my view this would be a good outcome and problem solved. Immature men are at best utterly tiresome and unattractive, at worst emotionally or physically abusive.

Men like this use dumping you as a form of control. They obviously got back together again afterwards, so he sees this as a successful tactic for getting what he wants. I don’t think he’d hesitate to use it again, and as you rightly say, this would be a good outcome - problem solved.

I wouldn;t be surprised if there's no friend who needs driving to near where you'll be at all - he just wants to check up on you.

Reminds me very much of an ex. He would visit his parents who genuinely did live on the other side of the country, but he would miraculously appear or return early, always with an excuse such as a friend needed dropping off on his way home or he urgently had to sort something out for someone here. All of it was nonsense, he was just completely paranoid about what I was doing when he wasn't there.

He was also very needy. Couldn't bear it if i ever prioritised doing anything with anyone other than him and would pull out the guild card immediately. Luckily it was before I had children so this only affected friendships - get out before he starts becoming jealous of your prioritising of your kids!

Let him bloody sulk. Just keep saying, "I'm going to see my mum and I want to spend time with my family. I'll see you when I come back."

If he continues being an arsehole, just bin him off. Life's too short to put up with this crap.

I wonder in which way he's a good guy. He doesn't respect your boundaries. He doesn't give you space. He dumped you as a method of controlling you.

He might be nice occasionally. Most people can be. But you have to judge him on how he makes you feel - trapped and as though what you want doesn't matter.

Hope you’ve managed to have the conversation and you’re ok OP

I am glad this thread helped you come to this conclusion OP. He sounds like hard work and you don't need to add a third, needy child to your family unit.

I also agree with what a lot of other posters are saying about Domestic abuse - although I think a lot of people used the term violence rather than abuse, which isn't just violence but also comes in the form of control which he is absolutely showing the signs of. He is huffing off to manipulate situations so you give in to him, changing his plans so he can gatecrash yours, gaslighting you by saying it was already part of his plans when it wasn't and therefore he is exerting control over you. It will only get worse.

Have you told him where you're going? If not, don't. If he doesn't know where you are, he can't show up.

That is checking up on your behaviour in the guise of 'wouldn't it be nice to meet up.'
RED FLAG.

@freddosarebest Glad you've decided to leave him. It sounds for the best, given everything you've said. :)

Yes he has been pressuring to move in, get engaged, have kids… asking me to say I’ll never leave him… telling me he feels like I’m not committed enough…

This isn't a red flag, it's a shit load of klaxons at 199 dB! He wants performative commitment from you, he's a sulker (A1 sign of an abuser) and he threatens to leave if he doesn't get what he 'needs' from you. He's not a good guy at all, he's a nightmare wrapped in a thin veneer of nice.