Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

[freddosarebest]

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

X post. You’ve already had that conversation. Time to move on I think.

You are actively victim blaming the OP for her boyfriend’s disgusting behaviour. This isn’t about her not loving him enough, it’s been 8 months and people who love people don’t manipulate or control them.
I suspect you’re a troll because nothing you have said would ring true of any domestic abuse training you would receive as a social
worker. In fact the exact opposite. Normal people don’t behave like this when a relationship has “run its course”, they allow the other person to have their views heard and leave gracefully with the respect that is owed them. I don’t know what people you’ve dated but emotionally mature people don’t behave this way and emotionally immature people don’t get to have their bad behaviour excused because they can’t get their shit together. I have reported you, I hope your comments get removed promptly.

I didn't even read the actual OP, I got as far as "won't let me" in the title.

You deserve better OP, MUCH better.

If he is a ‘hassle’ it’s because he is High maintenance. I really loved and was excited about him but his actions have eroded that and he has reduced me to tears before with his petty sulks and lectures about why I’m not doing enough for us. If I am unsure about us it’s because of how he has been. And I hate that as he is a great guy in a lot of ways but sadly not the guy for me.

@Nambypambypoo just to say I don't think needy anxious men are necessarily abusive at all - that word is thrown around far too casually. It can just be their personality. The guy I was with that was a bit like this wasn't abusive- he had just made me his whole world, rather than part of it - but that didn't suit me- it would have probably suited others perfectly ok

It’s a shame he turned out not to be the person you thought he was, but you’re doing the right thing by ending it now.

Thanks for your response OP. Yes, you seem to have done everything you can to help him and he is trying to move quickly and push you into things you don’t want, so I think you should definitely end it. Perhaps you can speak to him one more time to explain, but if that makes you nervous then I wouldn’t. He will undoubtedly not take it well. He seems to want much more than you can/feel comfortable giving. It is a good job he hasn’t met your children because if he had it would be much harder for you at this stage. However, I do find that is a long time personally if a relationship is going well and moving in the right direction, so perhaps deep down you have always known? It is strange he is going after people who are a little ‘unavailable’ to him. He is probably playing out old patterns, I think you could suggest he gets counselling. Was he really bruised by his marriage ending? Perhaps he is just not quite dealt with that and that’s why he is clinging. Whatever the case, he is clearly high maintenance and you can’t expect to have to keep reassuring him to make him feel secure with you, it is tiring. Especially when you have kids to prioritise. I still really do think domestic violence is a massive stretch and people get over excited. I hope for your sake I am correct and you can extricate yourself from him without him hassling you. Best of luck and I hope he manages to find a way to make himself feel good/loved without relying on a partner.

Because he is already grooming you. He sulks or becomes unpleasant or threatens to end the relationship when you don't agree with his plans. This can be a form of control, which is now well recognised as a form of domestic abuse. He does not have to physically assault you or threaten you to be abusive. It can be more subtle than that. He is already emotionally manipulating you, and you are reading all these signs from him, which is why you now feel uneasy and anxious to assert your own very reasonable boundaries.
Isolating you from family and friends is often another sign of domestic abuse, just think about that - he is already making it difficult for you to spend time with your mum on a planned trip, almost as if he is jealous of the time you plan to spend with your own family. If you are still unsure then take this opportunity to assert yourself about the trip - tell him no, your plans are fixed, you are looking forward to spending the whole week with your mum and the kids, so much so that you won't be checking your phone much at all and will just catch up with him when you get home. His response will tell you all you need to know.
If, as I suspect, his response is negative, then think about what that means. This is a very small boundary you are asserting here. What will happen in the future if he disagrees with other more significant boundaries, e.g. how or how often you have sex, how you parent your children, where you choose to live, how to spend your own money etc. Fundamentally, he is already showing you signs that he does not respect your right to say no to him and that is very concerning.

Relationships are not supposed to be this difficult less than one year in. They’re just not. They should be much more effortless!

The sudden plan to (coincidentally) drive to the same location as you is dodgy.

And I agree with the potential for abuse. It often starts with being overly possessive.

Well done OP. This must have been a hard thread for you. It shows how helpful a Mumsnet thread can be (despite the few posters who like to stick the boot in), including for others who may not be seeing the behaviour of a controlling man.

Hope you rip that plaster off quickly and are able to ignore any increased pressure from him.

Because this is how it starts OP. Everything is fine for a while and bit by bit abusers like this show you who they really are. The control starts similarly to what you’re experiencing now - he’s inserting himself uninvited into your plans and sulking when you say no. In your case he’s homed in on family visits. The next target will be your friends and other relatives, until he’s managed to isolate you from them - so you’re easier to control. Then it will ramp up to the point where he ends up controlling everything you do and even how you do things. If he has violent tendencies they will show at this stage, when you’re perceived not to comply with his wishes. Even without the violence, and at this early stage, his behaviour is abusive and coercive.

Have a look at the many similar threads on MN from women experiencing similar behaviour patterns. There’s lots of good advice - mainly to end it before it’s too late. I think you’re right to be nervous - you clearly realise something is amiss or you wouldn’t have posted here. Listen to your gut because this is not good, and it will only get worse - and it will have a hugely damaging effect on your DC.

@MiltonNorthern it is not concerning because I have not at any point encouraged her to remain with him, if you can read. I have used my extensive professional and personal experience to explain my point because it is entirely relevant and again, I do not believe his behaviour is abusive. Clearly I hope I am correct for OPs sake. If she was reporting clear abuse I would advise her to leave him with immediate effect. I am more concerned that you are a social worker and you are not able to see that stating this as abuse is unreasonable rather than, as you say, being able to keep many explanations in mind. Jumping to conclusions much.

This, alone, is all you need to look at. I really am sorry, OP.

Oh dear. You should probably have some therapy to process your experiences as you are projecting and minimising due to your own experience of more extreme DV. Again, as a social worker you should be aware of the risk of doing this and I'm sure you come across this phenomenon with women you're supporting all the time.

You seem to have found your answer OP
I go away to my parents with dc often, my BF or previous BF never push themselves into the trips, they both understood I live over a hundred miles from my parents and that time is precious. Last BF wasn't interested in going there and this one has visited a number of times but doesn't insist on joining me, we do the odd text while I'm there and I call him if I go off in the car by myself but this doesn't always happen.

Fear of upsetting him is a big red flag. He's a BF not a DP though. He doesn't know your children, he doesn't live with you, you don't share children or bills. You wouldn't tolerate this behaviour from your children or your friends don't tolerate it from him

I think you've nailed it, too much hard work and demanding too early on - he wants you to arrange your life around him and that's not what you want and not realistic when you have kids etc.

For me the red flag isn't that he wants to spend time with you/change plans to do that - it's his reaction when you say no, badgering, sulking etc. I couldn't find that attractive and it definitely hints at potential to try and control you in other ways so I'd end it over this.

I'm not jumping to conclusions. I'm assessing the information given and making an informed judgement. You carry on, but I really hope the OP doesn't give too much weight to your ill informed posts.

THAT is worrying. So, his boundaries are 'off' to be suggesting this. Twice.
Yours are 'off' too as you feel nervous saying no. I'd be having 2nd thoughts about the relationship as it won't get better by itself & do you want to 'do the work' needed to change things this early when it should be easy? I'd cut & run.

A good, well grounded partner would encourage you to go, spend quality time with family and hope you have a lovely time.

At best your dp is insecure and needy, at worst he's a narcissist who is in the first stages of control, isolation and manipulation. Either way he's not for you to fix. You're 8 months in and should be basking in the honeymoon glow of the relationship, not being anxious about telling him you want to spend time with your family or being dumped for some concieved slight

Throw him back, he's not the one for you.

Just want to wish you the best OP. I think you know what you need to do. You've got head screwed on so don't let him manipulate you. Well done for not introducing your kids to him.

When you exploit someone’s emotions in order to gain control of their movements and plans when you know it’s not what they want is abusive. Love bombing and putting pressure on people to do things that they don’t want to do is abusive. Isolating people from their family is abusive. Putting your wants and needs above the emotional wellbeing of another person is abusive. Pressuring someone to remove their independence and insert you as a stranger into their children’s life on a permanent basis when you know it’s not what they wish is abusive. Behaving in a way that makes someone fear or dread your reaction is abusive. Emotionally stable and mature people don’t behave like this. Needy is just another word for selfish and controlling. It literally means “I feel my needs should be prioritised over anyone else’s regardless of the consequences”. I don’t know how to say it any more clearly. I’m sorry you don’t want to believe the truth but that’s your problem to deal with and not to project on others because you are wrong. The law disagrees with you both for good reason.

@MiltonNorthern there is also a big difference between displaying some behaviors which suggest attempting to assert some control over a relationship’s outcomes/progression and abuse. I’m concerned as a professional working with people you don’t get the complexities of human behaviour and want to label everything.

How is it helpful to berate someone asking for advice ? You’re sailing very close to the wind of victim blaming here.

Imagine how he will escalate when your dc are around you both.. The pick me dance will be horrific... Ltb is the only way op.

@Imbusytodaysorry perhaps you need a new job, why don’t you train a social worker since you’re clearly an expert? And eating? I don’t know what you’re on about.