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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp won’t let me just have a week away with family

804 replies

freddosarebest · 21/02/2024 22:05

Curious about this. How would you feel if you planned a weeks holiday with your dc to meet up with your mum who lives overseas, when dp of 8 months is also on a planned trip to see his family elsewhere, and then dp said he wanted to come and meet up with you on your holiday despite the fact you’d booked and made plans?

this has actually happened to me twice now with this person. I’m not sure if it’s a controlling red flag. We live really close together and see each other all the time, so it’s not a LDR or anything. I was looking forward to a trip with my mum and dc. I feel like if I said that to Dp he would take offence, which is why last time I said yes to him crashing and I ended up taking a day and a night away from my family.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
Dotty87 · 22/02/2024 09:27

Of course it seems like a huge leap from this to domestic violence or controlling behaviour, it always creeps up slowly, they'd never get anyone to stay with them otherwise.

Make no mistake he's testing you and pushing your boundaries, with zero respect for your feelings.

It's still early days, you have no ties to him, which means not only are you able to end this now, but also he's able to maintain his "nice guy" act a hell of a lot longer.

And no, I'm not getting my information from Instagram Hmm I've lived it, and wish I'd turned to Mumsnet for a wake up call a damn sight sooner, but that's for another thread.

Look up the "boiling frog" syndrome, and please get out of this now.

Dotty87 · 22/02/2024 09:28

Dotty87 · 22/02/2024 09:27

Of course it seems like a huge leap from this to domestic violence or controlling behaviour, it always creeps up slowly, they'd never get anyone to stay with them otherwise.

Make no mistake he's testing you and pushing your boundaries, with zero respect for your feelings.

It's still early days, you have no ties to him, which means not only are you able to end this now, but also he's able to maintain his "nice guy" act a hell of a lot longer.

And no, I'm not getting my information from Instagram Hmm I've lived it, and wish I'd turned to Mumsnet for a wake up call a damn sight sooner, but that's for another thread.

Look up the "boiling frog" syndrome, and please get out of this now.

I meant a huge leap to emotional abuse, this is of course already controlling behaviour!

Seeingadistance · 22/02/2024 09:31

Nambypambypoo · 22/02/2024 09:13

@Suchagroovyguy no not at all. I am a social worker who has worked with many victims of domestic abuse, with abusive males and with women on domestic violence programmes and facilitated training. He does not sound abusive at all or controlling, he sounds a little manipulative. These terms are bandied around, as is the term red flag by people with little knowledge or experience who get their information from instagram. He sounds emotionally immature, I imagine he has an anxious attachment pattern and he is playing this out in this relationship. They appear to want different things and instead of addressing it in discussion like adults they are playing games. Having emotions and not managing them effectively in relationships does not necessarily make you controlling and certainly not abusive. She needs to lay out what she wants. Perhaps he feels she is stringing him along if she hasn’t wanted him to meet her children yet and I wonder if he has met her family. Perhaps he compares himself unfavorably to the ex because that relationship moved faster. It seems to me he is insecure in the relationship and expressing it in all the wrong ways. Relationships are a two way process. Having emotions and also some insecurities in a relationship is normal, it is how you then communicate between you, he is resorting to childish games. Asking about meeting during holiday isn’t abusive by any stretch, people are so over dramatic. And it is barely controlling, an adult could say no and they should be able to discuss this not come online. Their needs/wants do not seem to compliment one another.

Edited

I, and many others here, use the words “controlling” and “abusive”, precisely because we have been, or sadly still are, in such relationships. We can see very clearly what actually are red flags because we recognise the patterns and early signs. Don’t dismiss or diminish our experiences, knowledge and advice. You acknowledge that he’s manipulative - that’s just the start of it. The OP shouldn’t wait till it’s worse. If you are a social worker who deals with victims of abuse, then you should know that abuse starts gradually and increases.

SpacePotato · 22/02/2024 09:31

You said you are independent.
He seems desperate to move things along, probably move in with you.
Does he own his own home?

I disagree that he isn't controlling. The man altered his plans to make sure he sees you on your holiday.
You're only away for a week ffs. That isn't normal. It's like he's making sure you are where you say you are.

Don't let him talk you round. His behaviour has been concerning you.
Trust yourself.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/02/2024 09:32

What do you mean, ‘he won’t let you’?
FGS just tell him!

TBH the very language you use makes you sound ideal prey for a controlling red flag type.

Imbusytodaysorry · 22/02/2024 09:33

Nambypambypoo · 22/02/2024 09:13

@Suchagroovyguy no not at all. I am a social worker who has worked with many victims of domestic abuse, with abusive males and with women on domestic violence programmes and facilitated training. He does not sound abusive at all or controlling, he sounds a little manipulative. These terms are bandied around, as is the term red flag by people with little knowledge or experience who get their information from instagram. He sounds emotionally immature, I imagine he has an anxious attachment pattern and he is playing this out in this relationship. They appear to want different things and instead of addressing it in discussion like adults they are playing games. Having emotions and not managing them effectively in relationships does not necessarily make you controlling and certainly not abusive. She needs to lay out what she wants. Perhaps he feels she is stringing him along if she hasn’t wanted him to meet her children yet and I wonder if he has met her family. Perhaps he compares himself unfavorably to the ex because that relationship moved faster. It seems to me he is insecure in the relationship and expressing it in all the wrong ways. Relationships are a two way process. Having emotions and also some insecurities in a relationship is normal, it is how you then communicate between you, he is resorting to childish games. Asking about meeting during holiday isn’t abusive by any stretch, people are so over dramatic. And it is barely controlling, an adult could say no and they should be able to discuss this not come online. Their needs/wants do not seem to compliment one another.

Edited

You need a nee job . You are so out of touch with reality .

OP try’s eating no he doesn’t accept it.

AllEars112232 · 22/02/2024 09:34

freddosarebest · 22/02/2024 09:04

I think I need to end it. My dc really need me and like spending exclusive time with me and I don’t want to change that. They are my number 1. I am independent and I just don’t need a man that much. It’s why I left my ex, it was spoiling my and dc’s lives. My ex was v different to this guy but also destructive. Best case, I think this guy is insecure and needs to be no1, which is ok I guess but not for me, he shouldn’t have dated a single mum with her own life going on. I’m already dreading the poor-me call/email today and I just cba.

So pleased to hear this @freddosarebest 🙌

Eddielizzard · 22/02/2024 09:37

I would text and say 'no I'll catch up with you when I'm back. I have a busy week planned with my family'. If he pushes back then I'd say sorry, don't think this will work out as our needs aren't aligned. And then I'd block.

gldd · 22/02/2024 09:39

Nambypambypoo · 22/02/2024 09:13

@Suchagroovyguy no not at all. I am a social worker who has worked with many victims of domestic abuse, with abusive males and with women on domestic violence programmes and facilitated training. He does not sound abusive at all or controlling, he sounds a little manipulative. These terms are bandied around, as is the term red flag by people with little knowledge or experience who get their information from instagram. He sounds emotionally immature, I imagine he has an anxious attachment pattern and he is playing this out in this relationship. They appear to want different things and instead of addressing it in discussion like adults they are playing games. Having emotions and not managing them effectively in relationships does not necessarily make you controlling and certainly not abusive. She needs to lay out what she wants. Perhaps he feels she is stringing him along if she hasn’t wanted him to meet her children yet and I wonder if he has met her family. Perhaps he compares himself unfavorably to the ex because that relationship moved faster. It seems to me he is insecure in the relationship and expressing it in all the wrong ways. Relationships are a two way process. Having emotions and also some insecurities in a relationship is normal, it is how you then communicate between you, he is resorting to childish games. Asking about meeting during holiday isn’t abusive by any stretch, people are so over dramatic. And it is barely controlling, an adult could say no and they should be able to discuss this not come online. Their needs/wants do not seem to compliment one another.

Edited

Great post.

Dotty87 · 22/02/2024 09:41

freddosarebest · 22/02/2024 09:04

I think I need to end it. My dc really need me and like spending exclusive time with me and I don’t want to change that. They are my number 1. I am independent and I just don’t need a man that much. It’s why I left my ex, it was spoiling my and dc’s lives. My ex was v different to this guy but also destructive. Best case, I think this guy is insecure and needs to be no1, which is ok I guess but not for me, he shouldn’t have dated a single mum with her own life going on. I’m already dreading the poor-me call/email today and I just cba.

You're making the right choice, well done for being strong I know it isn't easy. If he starts trying to reel you back in or gets nasty just block him.

Dweetfidilove · 22/02/2024 09:42

Oh OP. You recognise what this is. He’s pushed your boundaries so much, you need to use this time away to shed him.

Say no while you are away with your family and build up from there. Turn your phone off for the week, as I presume everyone for whom you’re an emergency contact, will be with you.

MiltonNorthern · 22/02/2024 09:43

Nambypambypoo · 22/02/2024 09:13

@Suchagroovyguy no not at all. I am a social worker who has worked with many victims of domestic abuse, with abusive males and with women on domestic violence programmes and facilitated training. He does not sound abusive at all or controlling, he sounds a little manipulative. These terms are bandied around, as is the term red flag by people with little knowledge or experience who get their information from instagram. He sounds emotionally immature, I imagine he has an anxious attachment pattern and he is playing this out in this relationship. They appear to want different things and instead of addressing it in discussion like adults they are playing games. Having emotions and not managing them effectively in relationships does not necessarily make you controlling and certainly not abusive. She needs to lay out what she wants. Perhaps he feels she is stringing him along if she hasn’t wanted him to meet her children yet and I wonder if he has met her family. Perhaps he compares himself unfavorably to the ex because that relationship moved faster. It seems to me he is insecure in the relationship and expressing it in all the wrong ways. Relationships are a two way process. Having emotions and also some insecurities in a relationship is normal, it is how you then communicate between you, he is resorting to childish games. Asking about meeting during holiday isn’t abusive by any stretch, people are so over dramatic. And it is barely controlling, an adult could say no and they should be able to discuss this not come online. Their needs/wants do not seem to compliment one another.

Edited

As a social worker myself, I'm concerned that you are interpreting his behaviour as 'manipulative' and 'immature' and declaring it's not abusive. I strongly disagree with you. I'm also concerned that you're using your professional qualification to position yourself as more qualified to determine whether it's abusive. You really should know how dangerous that is, especially if you're wrong. I'm sure you're aware of the need to hold multiple hypotheses and consider the worst case scenario. In this case the worst case scenario is that you're wrong and encouraging a woman to stay with a domestic abuser. Concerning, from a social worker.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/02/2024 09:49

In this case the worst case scenario is that you're wrong and encouraging a woman to stay with a domestic abuser. Concerning, from a social worker

And the best case is that OP is being encouraged to stay with and understand someone even that poster describes as immature, insecure and manipulative.

DIYnovices · 22/02/2024 09:49

Well done OP. You should never feel nervous about telling your partner anything. If telling him the truth (i.e. ‘no, sorry. I don’t see my mum often and I want to just spend the whole week with her and the kids without disappearing off for a few hours’) makes him argue back then this is the perfect excuse to end things.

heres how it should go:

  1. he complains/ tries to persuade you
  2. you: ‘it’s starting to worry me that you just don’t listen when I tell you something. I’ve said I want to spend the week with just my mum and the kids’
  3. him: ‘I feel so left out of your life’
  4. you: ‘I think we are in different places in our lives at the moment. I’m sure you would be happier with someone more available to spend all of their time with you’
Nambypambypoo · 22/02/2024 09:50

Also just to add, sorry to go on, but you don’t sound as though you love him OP or even particularly like him, it sounds as though he is a hassle to you. After 8 months you would expect to love someone or know if you have a future with them or not and it seem you know you don’t. I imagine he is picking up on this and he is insecure and is clinging to you because he feels you pulling away. I think it is all fairly standard behaviour when a relationship has run its course and your decision sounds best.

Zoreos · 22/02/2024 09:51

Nambypambypoo · 22/02/2024 09:13

@Suchagroovyguy no not at all. I am a social worker who has worked with many victims of domestic abuse, with abusive males and with women on domestic violence programmes and facilitated training. He does not sound abusive at all or controlling, he sounds a little manipulative. These terms are bandied around, as is the term red flag by people with little knowledge or experience who get their information from instagram. He sounds emotionally immature, I imagine he has an anxious attachment pattern and he is playing this out in this relationship. They appear to want different things and instead of addressing it in discussion like adults they are playing games. Having emotions and not managing them effectively in relationships does not necessarily make you controlling and certainly not abusive. She needs to lay out what she wants. Perhaps he feels she is stringing him along if she hasn’t wanted him to meet her children yet and I wonder if he has met her family. Perhaps he compares himself unfavorably to the ex because that relationship moved faster. It seems to me he is insecure in the relationship and expressing it in all the wrong ways. Relationships are a two way process. Having emotions and also some insecurities in a relationship is normal, it is how you then communicate between you, he is resorting to childish games. Asking about meeting during holiday isn’t abusive by any stretch, people are so over dramatic. And it is barely controlling, an adult could say no and they should be able to discuss this not come online. Their needs/wants do not seem to compliment one another.

Edited

If you facilitate domestic violence programmes you should know better than to be giving out misinformation like this. Manipulation is emotional abuse and falls perfectly into the coercive control laws of 2023 at the very least you need retraining. What the OPs boyfriend is doing is dismissing her feelings over his because hes insecure and guilt tripping her so he gets to control the narrative of her life. Making her feel like she can’t have the open dialogue she needs to communicate her point of view and wants without fear of his reaction is also abuse. The boyfriend’s selfish insecurities are not the OPs responsibility and it shouldn’t be impacting her life. That is controlling, it’s not dramatic and to suggest otherwise is ludicrous. 8 months is a very short relationship and he’s done this twice. He’s rearranged his trip needlessly to effectively be able to muscle in and take time away from her mum who she rarely sees. This is step one of isolation of OP from her family. Enormous warning sign and people like you are dangerous excusing controlling behaviour. This is just the start, it will escalate and your shockingly bad advice could hinder the OP from getting out of an extremely abusive relationship further down the line. Posters like you should be IP banned from Mumsnet. Claiming to be a social worker when you’re blatantly a liar trying to score points and win arguments on an online forum. Victim blaming at its finest is absolutely disgraceful on your part. Fortunately we have these laws in place to project ourselves from idiots like you.
Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical violence and the latter rarely if ever starts without the former. Very sad of you to go out of your way to gaslight the OP and underplay this really. This may be a game to you but this is real life for people who use Mumsnet as a huge support network who often don’t have anyone else. No social worker worth their salt would advise or excuse what you have here. Luckily your nonsense opinions are in the minority and it looks as though the OP has common sense and reasoning on her side.

RaspberryStrawberryBlueberry · 22/02/2024 09:53

9 months in and he is already showing you some manipulative and controlling behaviours, and he'll be keeping the best ones for when he really has his feet under the table.

You don't need this crap. You actually don't need a man. You are independent, and have your DC. You probably want some company, and perhaps male, but you don't actually need a man to help you with your DC and domestic situation.

He will only cause you more grief and angst as you get deeper into this relationship. Ditch him now. I wouldn't tell him the real reason. I would just say you are not in a place for a relationship ATM, your DC need you etc. etc. Please do not bring this unhinged person into your DC's lives.

At your situation in life, that is independent and with her own family/ house/ career etc. you should be TELLING him you are going away, not tiptoeing around him.

Original poster
freddosarebest · 22/02/2024 09:54

@Nambypambypoo i think he does have an anxious attachment style. However surely that is for him to overcome not for me to capitulate with eg. Integrating him into my dc lives to prove him I am committed, when it hasn’t even been a year, or changing my plans to make him feel secure when we both had opposite plans his week, something that I would hope is part of a normal relationship. Yes he has been pressuring to move in, get engaged, have kids… asking me to say I’ll never leave him… telling me he feels like I’m not committed enough… again, it hasn’t even been a year.
I m sure he could find some younger, going ho childfree woman who would want to go in all guns blazing but literally from the first day we met I have said dc are my priority. It’s not news to him. And I don’t see why I have to explain at length why I’m not ready to have him in my dc lives (but he has pushed me to explain it a few times.) He has actually met my mum for coffee once when she was last over and that’s fine imo, she lives overseas as I’ve said. But my time with her is precious, we have been holidaying together with my dc since they were tiny, and she is getting older. I had no issues with him going to see his friend for a week and would not have imposed myself. Him changing his plans does not obligate me and that’s not me game playing or being obtuse about what I want. I have said to him I want to be with him but I can’t give anymore right now than I already do which is a hell of a lot of my free time. Honestly if it’s not enough then he needs to leave because currently I am the one feeling like I need to. I’m so tired of feeling like I continually disappoint him and am not romantic enough because I don’t want to rush everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
freddosarebest · 22/02/2024 09:56

Also @Nambypambypoo i told I loved him first, months ago.

OP posts:
6pence · 22/02/2024 09:56

I think you are right op and probably best to end it.
You could of course lay all your cards on the table and tell him it’s too much, too soon, and do as the pp says here.

Take control OP. I think you should end the relationship anyway but if you feel you want to give it another chance with the new perspective you have gained from this thread you very much need to assert yourself. Tell him what you want to happen going forward. Don’t be passive. Don’t be afraid of him leaving. He’s not this excellent catch you should be afraid to lose. You need to test how he will react to boundaries bc that will indicate what your long term relationship with him will be.

But tbh the outcome doesn’t look good whether you end it now or later, and you really don’t want to slowly get sucked back into his controlling ways.

If you do continue, view to say no and mean it, and any slight hint of sulking etc finish immediately. I guess that he might not realise what he’s doing until you point it out. So a frank conversation might be worth it. It will soon become obvious whether he can really change or not. Just don’t get slowly sucked back in by false promises.

GG1986 · 22/02/2024 09:58

Yup red flag!! If you've only been with him 8 months I would just ditch him and move on, rather than being a possessive controlling man into your children's lives. Good luck

bridgetreilly · 22/02/2024 09:59

If you can’t say no to him, you need to leave him. A relationship where you are constantly anxious about offending someone is not healthy.

Original poster
freddosarebest · 22/02/2024 10:00

Yes @RaspberryStrawberryBlueberry that’s it. I don’t need him. And he keeps telling me he wants to be needed and he loses attraction if he’s not. I’m trying not to judge but that doesn’t seem healthy. After all he picked a relationship with 1)his long term ex wife who was a successful senior professional and didn’t want kids or ‘need him’ enough m then 2)me, a single mum with a career, good social life etc. he should be picking more ‘needy’ women but he doesn’t so what does that say about him?

OP posts:
Nambypambypoo · 22/02/2024 10:01

To all the recent posters about me, how ridiculous you all are! He is demonstrating some clingy behaviour at the breakdown of a relationship, it’s emotionally immature but fairly normal. It’s a massive, massive jump to suggest he is abusive. And to suggest I am a worry as a social worker, also ridiculous, I have assisted many women and protected many children and you are extremely rude. It isn’t necessarily at all the start of abuse, there can be other explanations. Yes it begins similarly but it could also be many other things and I did not suggest she remain with him, I have said they are clearly not meant to be.

If you must know, I was in a very abusive relationship myself for 5 years plus the lengthy unable to get away process. A man who was physically and emotionally abusive, who owned knives and guns he would threaten me with, hand gun, kalashnikov, air rifle which he once shot at me with narrowly missing my head and I head the bullet whistle past my ear. His ex had a pin in her arm where he abused her, he would hit me, rip my hair out my head etc amongst many other things including repeatedly cheating, giving me chlamydia, many, many abuses. I reported him to police twice. I am very aware of what abusive is/isnt, how it starts and how it progresses. I am also aware of feeling insecure as I did for many years after that experience and others do from experiences in childhood, luckily I met a good man who could reassure me. He obviously has some issues he needs to address but you can’t go around calling everyone abusive and actually doing so is not helpful. And those who like to jump on the band wagon at any given opportunity actually actually minimise and trivialize abuse, not me.

VickyEadieofThigh · 22/02/2024 10:01

"Yes he has been pressuring to move in, get engaged, have kids… asking me to say I’ll never leave him… telling me he feels like I’m not committed enough… again, it hasn’t even been a year."

This bit alone is the red flag to take notice of - you really do need to end it and stick to your guns.