Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DD wants to cut ties-Says her childhood was toxic

672 replies

SadandStressed3 · 21/02/2024 12:17

This is long, so my apologies.
I’m in a horrible, stressful situation with my 19yr old daughter. Basically, she feels that she had a very unhappy childhood and now doesn’t want to have a relationship with us (apart from us continuing to support her at university and keep her during holidays from university 🙄) She does not keep in touch whilst away and when home, spends the entire time in her room. I’m just going to give a brief overview so as not to drip feed.

She is the eldest of 3 with a 5yr gap and essentially says she feels like we ruined her life by having the younger two. Apparently this meant no time for her and less holidays. She said she had to listen to us saying we couldn’t do stuff because of money but yet we chose to have the younger kids. She said it was toxic due to arguments and stress. There was an awful 2yrs after the youngest was born where I had hideous PND but still had to try and cope as we have zero extended family and DH was working away through the week. There’s 18mths between the younger 2 so DD would have been 7-9yrs during this time.
When she was Y5 we put her in for grammar entrance (she’s exceptionally able academically) She passed and went to an all girls grammar. She hated it and we let her move to the comprehensive for Y8. She hated that too but still came out with 4 top A’levels.
There has been lots of teen drama and she was under CAMHS for a year. This was counselling and I was called in for the last 10mins of each session to be told how awful I always made her feel. How she was belittled and unloved and how the younger two were treated more favourably and how I gaslit her. She complains that the younger two have more relaxed rules on bedtime and internet use (probably marginally true but not by a significant amount) She’s also very angry that family holidays can now be more teen focused whereas when she was their age, we had to accommodate younger kids. To me this is all just what happens when you’re the eldest. Every year, I’ve made sure her and I had a weekend away just us. I’ve also taken her shopping for clothes and when she was 14, we completely redid her bedroom allowing her to choose and putting in a make up desk etc. If anything, she’s probably been over indulged a little.

It breaks my heart that she refuses all contact when away and lives by this narrative of having had a toxic childhood. I work in child safeguarding and thus deal with kids daily who really have experienced toxic situations and it frustrates me and upsets me so much to hear DD say such things. Half of me wants to support her and acknowledge, as I have tried to, that there was a very difficult period when her siblings were young and the other half wants to tell her to stop wallowing in self indulgent MC bullshit. Obviously the latter isn’t ideal and I do push that away. As things stand, she’ll finish next year and we’ll never hear from her again and I’m desperate to sort this out beforehand. Well done if you’ve got this far. Any advice is very welcome.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 21/02/2024 12:22

she’s probably been over indulged a little Yup.

the other half wants to tell her to stop wallowing in self indulgent MC bullshit

Yup. 100%.

Stop tiptoeing around her. If she wants to cut contact then she'll need to support herself. Point this out, with the appropriate level of regret in your voice and ask when she wants to collect her belongings. She's battering you emotionally and this will ramp up when you accept HER decision but you need to stop being a doormat.

TheRealProfessorYaffle · 21/02/2024 12:23

I think that based on your referring to your child accessing a year of tier three mental health services as 'teen drama', there is very little advice that I could offer you that you'd be open to. I wish you and your daughter well.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 21/02/2024 12:24

Personally she wants her cake and eat it, doesn't want anything to do with you but wants to support her through university?

I'd say that's fine if she wants to cut contact however to support what she wants you will no longer support her financially.

Give it a few weeks she'll come back apologising. She sounds extremely spoilt.

Loubelle70 · 21/02/2024 12:24

My niece had a great upbringing...spoiled tbf. She pulled the 'bad upbringing' ...it was her way of controlling everyone. My daughter when younger criticized how i raised her but she understands now she's older.
I wrote her 1 letter, apologised for anything i did wrong but stated i wont apologise all my life. Maybe write a letter and leave it with her. Thats all you can do..but dont be bullied.

betterangels · 21/02/2024 12:24

She can go no contact but that stops the funding etc, surely. Otherwise, she's taking the piss.

EmergentTulip · 21/02/2024 12:25

I'm your DD in my own situation but have not cut all contact with my parents. I'm in my 30s and only realised how awful it was when I had my own DD.

It's great that you are able to acknowledge that awful time in her childhood. My parents cannot do that and are so dismissive when I tried to talk to them about how I felt.

My advice to you is to talk to her about it as much as you can. Listen to her. Validate her feelings, acknowledge that it was hard. Tell her a bit about how things were for you when you had PND. Suggest some joint counselling for the two of you. Do everything you can to show her that you love her, you want her to be in your life, and that you are willing to do things to help heal the past. This is what I crave from my mum. It has never happened and we rarely speak now.

sprigatito · 21/02/2024 12:25

I think I would like to hear her side of things. Your post is full of contempt and belittling language. If that is what she has grown up with then I am unsurprised that she wants some distance from you.

EmergentTulip · 21/02/2024 12:25

Ha yes I forgot about the supporting her - absolutely if she wants to cut you off, she says goodbye to the financial support!!

Octavia64 · 21/02/2024 12:28

If she was under Camhs for a year then she has severe mental health issues.

It is damn near impossible to get them to see any teen so you must be leaving out some major major information here.

What was she referred for? What are you leaving out?

Waiting for the drip feed....

Excited101 · 21/02/2024 12:29

She sounds spoilt and massively over indulged to me- as if she’s still trying to find where those boundaries are…

Did she have structure and rules as a child? Was she told no? Were there consequences for poor behaviour?

Stop falling over yourself to ‘fix’ things that don’t sound broken, you’re only making it worse. Be a solid, secure parent to her, don’t be a pushover.

Cheeesus · 21/02/2024 12:29

Of course we only have your side to go on, but if she’s complaining about these things to a counsellor:

“She complains that the younger two have more relaxed rules on bedtime and internet use (probably marginally true but not by a significant amount) She’s also very angry that family holidays can now be more teen focused whereas when she was their age, we had to accommodate younger kids.”

then it does seem that she’s not got much to be upset about.

ZebraD · 21/02/2024 12:30

Hhhmm you have kind of said yourself you put the other two first. And a couple of occasions where you appeared to show a bit of care by getting a make up desk don’t really cut it. If in a daily basis it was about the other two, the odd occasion you did do something for her won’t even register. Why did you send her to a school that she hated for so long. Exam results count for nothing if you are not happy. You don’t seem worried about her overall happiness in all honesty. But difficult to put things across on MN sometimes

TheWayOfTheWorld · 21/02/2024 12:31

JFc, she sounds like a self-absorbed madam. Some of us have siblings with much bigger age gaps, went to crappy schools and didn't go on any holidays - my parents did they best they could 🤷‍♀️

Gloriosaford · 21/02/2024 12:31

This sounds very difficult. I think ultimately I would have to point out, even if gently, that she can't have her cake and eat it. If she wants to cut contact she can't expect to be housed and financially supported 😕

Summerrabbit · 21/02/2024 12:31

To be fair to her you did decide to have two more children & it sounds like it made your life very stressful so she’s not wrong there. Obviously it’s your choice to have 3 but it did impact on her significantly particularly with the small age gap between the younger two. Your OP sounds quite minimising of her, the use of the term ‘teen drama’ stands out. I think if you want a chance at a relationship with your DD then you need to explore this more & validate her feelings. What’s her relationship like with her siblings? It sounds as though she feels quite left out.

OriginalUsername2 · 21/02/2024 12:33

Hard to tell. It doesn’t sound like a traumatic childhood but a couple of things popped out that make me suspicious 🤨

You let her younger siblings have more relaxed rules

You feel she should be grateful because she had a big treat of doing her room up at age 14

Are you sure you don’t have a bit of a blind spot somewhere?

WishIMite · 21/02/2024 12:36

I agree about asking for family therapy. Maybe that will help build bridges?

personally I would continue to pay for her uni and offer whatever you will offer the younger two in terms of housing and support. I think unless you offer unconditional love then you will feed into her thoughts about life.

Beamur · 21/02/2024 12:36

I wouldn't cut her off as it will add to her feelings of neglect.
She obviously has very strong emotions around her childhood and some significant mental health issues.
If you have listened and genuinely offered some validation and apologies where appropriate, you may have to let her go and work this through herself.
Tell her you love her and that if she chooses not to contact you, you will respect that but the door is always open should she wish to contact you.
I'm very LC with my Dad. He probably thinks he has done little or no wrong. I feel quite differently.
I am mature enough to accept we can have different opinions on this but for my own well being I cannot have more than a very distant relationship with him. I'm sure he thinks this is all my problem (he's said as much) and I should just get over it. I too have felt sidelined and unimportant and -with hindsight, had my childhood blighted by him always putting his needs first and foremost.
You sound very reasonable in your post OP but I do wonder if your DD would have a very different version of the same events.

HelenDamnation1 · 21/02/2024 12:38

I have similar with my DD except she hates me for not giving her siblings.
She says I'm abusive but then happily accepts my money for absolutely anything including a house deposit. I have apologised for anything and everything....offered to pay for counselling. The lot.

It has broken my heart, but I can't be her emotional punchbag forever. Any tips on how to get over the heartbreak, would be gratefully received!

Fizzadora · 21/02/2024 12:39

There's another thread about a young woman who is telling her mother she had a toxic childhood and most responses seem to be that mother has not done well and should apologise/acknowledge her shortcomings and have some therapy with daughter.
On this thread so far there is little sympathy for the daughter and although the circumstances are a little different nonetheless the daughters in both cases perceived that they had a poor upbringing. Edit - I wrote this after the first couple of replies. The responses have now swung.
I would suggest that you acknowledge your daughter's feelings, say how sorry you are that she feels that way and apologise if there are things that you could have done better.
Tell her that she will need to get a job to support herself through NI but that you may give her a small allowance perhaps to cover only essential subsistence but no fun money and that if she is not prepared to be a part of family life, she will need to find alternative accomodation for holidays. Perhaps a live in summer camp type job.
There is little else you can do. She sounds rather spoilt and has been sucked in by current trend of navel gazing at University. Not to say her feelings don't exist but people who behave this way are very tiring for others who just have to crack on without the luxury of self indulgence

altmember · 21/02/2024 12:41

"ok, you know where we are if you change your mind" would be my response.

She sounds spoilt and over entitled, but you can only do as she asks. Support her to the end of uni, and keep her things in her room, but don't let her come back to stay there. If she wants to go no contact then she won't want to anyway.

Presumably your younger two DC are nothing like this too?

CucumberBagel · 21/02/2024 12:42

Sounds like you're leaving out a lot to minimise the legitimacy of her feelings.

Surfapparel · 21/02/2024 12:45

OP, you will get advice on here based on the way you've reported it - which makes her sound spoilt and ungrateful and you sound like a patient Saint. I would encourage you to look up "missing missing reasons" and have a good read through of the website that comes up about how parents who are estranged report their situation on forums.

Dig deep. Really listen to what she's saying without defending yourself in your mind. You'll lose her completely if you stay in this mindset. My mother would report our situation just like you do. My sister and I barely speak to her now and that will never change.

Foxblue · 21/02/2024 12:46

It's great that you acknowledge that difficult period when you had PND, those sound like extremely hard circumstances for all of you.

However you use the word 'belittled' here which I feel like needs further context, because if she's raising hurt about the way she was spoken to or treated, and your response is 'well we bought her stuff' then I'm sure you can see why that's raising a red flag here.