Called the police

[Userccjlnhibibljn8]

I finally snapped and called the police this evening, and my husband has been arrested. He was drunk and angry and hit me. It’s been escalating for months. In between feeling heartbroken what do I do next. Someone will be calling me in the morning to discuss next steps, and I assume if I want to take things further. We are married so what do I do? I put most money into the house, and I don’t want to have to be the one who leaves. Has anyone else been here and have advice. My heart can’t quite believe I have done this, but my head says I need to be safe and nothing short of a miracle can take us back to a good place.

Guddle?

I'm English but I live in Scotland, @Userccjlnhibibljn8

Are you? I've never heard anyone English use that term.
😂

@Incakewetrust We had a lovely day, pottering around where I used to live (and might come back to when all the shit is sorted) a morning and afternoon chatting and shopping and then a very good theatre experience in the evening. You are right about the stuff, it was all fine when we were in what had been my house, but as soon as we moved into 'our' house things started to change. In small ways, but I think that is when I really started to pin point that things were starting to go wrong. All such a shame because we moved somewhere wonderful, and there was so much potential. I went on to make the connections and friends, and live my life, and he just kept getting more and more miserable, drunk and always thinking that things would be better 'somewhere else'.

I don't know what he would really have thought of as better...... he's ended up somewhere an awful lot worse, and that is all his fault.

@TheShellBeach Ah - yes there is a scottish connection - I'd not realised it was a scottish word. My favourite equivilent word is hugdish - apparently yiddish! (and an australian friend I shared a lot of hotel rooms with over the years, used to refer to brothelising a room!!!)

@FgsMary Oh yes knowing you can't go back. It is agonizing and so hard to stay strong when you know where they are and how to contact them. I do know I can't. Five am waking is my thing, but at least the dogs know that is not breakfast time now.

Hope everyone has a happy Monday x

Can you make a list of all the positives since he's gone? More freedom? No terrible atmosphere?

Here goes, a list of positives
i can be late and not have to worry about the reaction
i can make spontaneous decisions what I do
the house is tidy, I can sort it how I want
I have seen and spoken to more friends in the last 5 months than in the last 5 years
I can have guests without worrying about whether he is ok
I can stick with commitments
Only the dogs wake me up
A super king bed is just the right size for one human and 2 labradors
My shopping bill has gone down
I can worry about money but know it is all in my control
I have learned that my village is big
i can focus on work and my parents without being anxious about anyone’s reaction
I can leave tops off bottles and not worry about being shouted at
I don’t get anxious about text messages.

hope you don’t mind me putting it here. For various reasons today has been a hard day, I am glad to have got through it with these positives. I think I need to find more that are about me, rather than ‘not him’….I will think on that 🌺

I love your list! It's just screaming freedom!
You are your own person again and that's so powerful. You can do whatever the f you want without having to worry about what reaction you might get.
Thank you for sharing it 💖

How come today's been hard? Do you want to talk about it? Xx

@Incakewetrust It was an anniversary of a significant event, which linked with a lot of good memories, plus hearing about him through my solicitor. Just put it all to the front of my mind. I’m moving the divorce on, it just brings the part of my mind that is still caring for him to the front, and I feel bad about that. Thank you for asking
x

Wonderful list! Focus on positives 💐

I have just read your posts and wanted to say that I am so, so very proud of you. It is one of the most hardest things to have to go through due to the absolute horrendous rollercoaster of emotions. You have done so well and your posts will definitely be helping others out there as I know there will be plenty of people reading who are also drawing strength from it.

Please know that you can continue posting on here as an outlet for you. I have been through similar and it is extremely difficult but the knowing that you are finally free of the dreaded eggshells is something that is absolutely serene. Being on constant edge wondering how someone's mood is going to be is no way at all to have to be. That alone is incredibly draining and it takes some time after to finally feel at ease again. The body needs time to begin to heal as does the brain. Please don't be hard on yourself as I know it can be tempting to do so particularly after being treated the way in which you have been.

You have been through such a horrendous time yet you have chosen to behave with such brilliant behaviour. Everybody has a choice with how they chose to behave ~ please always know that. I know that the little doubts tend to wiggle their way in but you have done so amazingly well. I don't mean/intend to put too much on you (pressure is not a good thing!) but you are definitely the example of someone making their way through a horrendous time doing all of the much needed things (no matter how horribly hard) and reclaiming her sense of self again as a result. Please give yourself some time to try to recharge also as that is very important. I do understand that being kept busy is also incredibly helpful and very much needed as it keeps the mind occupied. You are very aware of what your mind needs and please continue doing so as you are important and your wellbeing needs this. Please keep posting as long as you find it helpful for you to do so as there will always be someone around. Along with the others who will be reading and keeping you in their thoughts also.

I am very sorry about you being made to part with your sentimental items. It hurts. I am glad that you have positives in your life and that you can find enjoyment with the little things that all help us in life. That helps enormously. It took me a very long time to get to that stage but when I did, it was wonderful. You have done the right, and best, thing for yourself over and over again. I am so proud of you and just wanted to say that. You did not deserve any of the things that you were put through. None of it. It was not acceptable and it would have got worse and worse. You have done the right thing. I hope that you have a nice day 🌻

You know, your list was great- it was so, so appealing. It had me side eying DH, to be honest. Wondering about my past choices.
Living without compromise sounds pretty damn attractive.

Please don't be feeling bad about any emotions you are experiencing. That places more guilt on yourself.

He was such a huge part of your life for so long it is completely natural that you still care and wonder how he is. You were placed into the position of having to think about his moods nonstop. Of the constant worry of how he would be. Thinking that you could prevent it if you did a certain thing, or didn't. Your life would have pretty much placed him at the absolute centre. Worrying about reactions to pretty much anything and everything.

So it will take time in order for your brain to fully process ~ and accept ~ that it is you who is at the centre now. Please don't feel as though you can't express how you feel as by trying to keep it compressed inside will only make you feel worse in the longrun. As hard as it can be to do so, by opening and expressing the thoughts and feelings in a safe place ~ such as writing them down ~ it helps to process them and to get them out.

Everything that you are feeling/experiencing is natural and is something that countless others have gone through also. Please don't feel bad about anything. I was worried about being judged when I felt the flickering of worry and concern as so many around me assumed the position of absolute hatred towards the person. It made me feel as though I couldn't express myself as nobody really understood the whole rollercoaster experience including the ins and outs of what happens to us due to the horrendous experiences.

Getting everything out helps the healing process. As long as you don't express any concerns to anyone whom could then pass it on back to him obviously as I'm sure you are well aware. As that will then be used as a weapon and is not needed.

I had spotted your latest post after I had posted my extremely long one so I shall stop now! Have a lovely day and please be kind and gentle to yourself 🌻✨️

Good luck and good wishes❤

Well done for writing your list of positives.

You're really doing well.

That does sound like a really tough day! You got through it and that's amazing!
I've been reading the replies and a pp said that others will be drawing strength from your thread and I totally believe that! You are such an inspiration for other women who want to leave abusive relationships.
When I left an abusive relationship, in all honesty it took me 1.5-2 years to get over him as I'd been so trauma bonded to him and I was tempted to go back a couple of times but I'm so glad I didn't.
My life now is wonderful and if I'd stayed with him, I know that I'd be dead by now, probably at his hands.

One day, you will look back with no feelings for him at all and you will be thanking current you for staying so strong.

Thank you all commenters for sharing your experiences. I know I am not unique, in the same way he was a textbook alcoholic and controlling (and he thought he was so special!). It is really helpful, particularly the understanding of how and why my compassion for him is still there, amidst all the black and white feedback from my friends. I am writing a lot. I think I did comment earlier in this thread that I found it helpful to have a label for trauma bonding. My trauma in itself was nothing to what I see some women have been through physically and mentally, and my escape has been cushioned by being safe financially, so in a way I feel a bit like a fraud assigning the label. But I do like frameworks to think around.

i had a fun day yesterday, wild swimming in the Lake District, and spending time with friends and colleagues. 🥶🌊

You shouldn't feel like a fraud at all. Just because others have been severely abused, it doesn't make your abuse any less valid or traumatic.
Suffering is relative to each person and you have genuinely suffered at his hands.
Trauma bonding wasn't hugely discussed when I was in my abusive relationship so I knew nothing about it until years after I left. When I first read about it, I was absolutely shocked to see that that's what it was and I felt like the way I'd felt about him had all been a lie. Like I didn't truly love him, I was just so trauma bonded to him that I couldn't see things clearly.
With each day that passes though, his hold on you will get looser.
As someone who has been where you are, I just want to give you a massive hug and keep promising you that this will pass.

P.S. you are actually crazy for swimming in the freezing lakes 🤣🤣

Hello! Spent a great week with friends and colleagues…focused on the new experiences. I found myself one day sitting in a church with tears streaming down my cheeks reciting the serenity prayer….there is so much strength and courage needed in this journey, And I hope wisdom.

This evening I feel angry. I formally pressed the button for divorce. I carried him financially for 10 years, as a woman with no siblings or children, I knew I had to look after myself financially, and I did that, yes, with some luck, but a lot of hard work and sacrifices along the way. I had a secure retirement in front of me, I planned to retire in 2 years time. Now because of him I have to fight to protect my future, and re-think.

I’ll be OK, but it is hard not to resent that the law says I will have to pay him a lot, when it is him who did all this, and his contribution to those 10 years was so limited in hindsight

Others will have been there, how do you accept this and move on?

(and yes I may be crazy to swim in the lakes, but it was a real high!)
🌊💪

Don't feel bad @Userccjlnhibibljn8 , women are brought up to put other people first and it can take a long time to face the truth, that someone whose supposed to love and care for us is not keeping up their end of the bargain. There are so, so many posters on MN who've put up with terrible marriages or partnerships because they can't see how bad things have been. At least it's only money, now you're free, your life is your own and your home can be your peaceful sanctuary. In a year you will be a new woman when the pain and the shock has worn off.

Speak to your divorce lawyer/solicitor about how to keep as much of your money as possible.

I'm so proud of you for staying strong and going ahead with the divorce!
I'm glad you had a great week with your friends. You really deserve it!

Thank you for this. I needed to hear this too today.

NC fail?
Anyway. I lost a huge amount of money in my divorce.

It took me a long while to realise that it didn't matter. I eventually decided to let the anger go, but it was HARD.

You'll get there, OP.

Nope - not me!

It's hard, and of course the flip side of the laws that protect women who have given up their independence to support their husbands, and then get screwed over. If he had taken on the emotional and practical burden of home life it would have been difference. Hey ho.....

@Incakewetrust I have the lawyers in place, who I am confident will fight my corner if needed, and thank you for the encouraging words

@Daleksatemyshed thank you for the hope - it is still very raw, but I have short moments of optimism between reality slaps.....

Bloody men.

I hope you have a lovely chilled weekend op xx

Back at work after a good, but exhausting weekend. I have a friend staying for a few days, so we did a lot of stuff. I think I do need to stop soon and just be for a day or so. I've had a very busy time over the last few weeks (months), but realised that putting on a brave face is maybe hiding the emotions, and my therapist has recommended that I do take a weekend without filling it up with friends/dogs/parents or other stuff and see where my mind takes me. A big part of me does just want to stop, but another is scared of those emotions still.

I think I am feeling much calmer, the friend I am with knows the story, and had seen me and my husband together over the years, so now tells me how worried she was about me then. It does help me in continuing to feel justified in my decisions, although I do also feel foolish for having stuck with everything so long. Once I had had that conversation I have felt much less sad and weepy.

I've also received some very good advice about how to frame the financial impact of this all, which makes me feel better, in short, in the long run it will save me money because I won't have to pay for all his aborted projects/boys toys and so on. I will have a lot more control over my finances. I just have to get over the short term substantial impact.

So in general I'm doing OK today.....🌻

that great news!