Called the police

[Userccjlnhibibljn8]

I finally snapped and called the police this evening, and my husband has been arrested. He was drunk and angry and hit me. It’s been escalating for months. In between feeling heartbroken what do I do next. Someone will be calling me in the morning to discuss next steps, and I assume if I want to take things further. We are married so what do I do? I put most money into the house, and I don’t want to have to be the one who leaves. Has anyone else been here and have advice. My heart can’t quite believe I have done this, but my head says I need to be safe and nothing short of a miracle can take us back to a good place.

You are amazing. Reading this thread is so helpful for others going through similar. Thank you for sharing and please continue to share. I was you all the happiness in the world xx

Updating at the end of another week. I’ve had a houseful of friends here for a few days helping me sort out the garden and garage and move furniture around. They have been wonderful. I am telling them that the house has a new energy, which it does, but underlying is a feeling of guilt that I’m doing this to ‘his’ house and that I shouldn’t be doing it. I’m wiping away his life and taking over our stuff. Somehow it feels wrong that I should be moving on and changing things, and that I am abandoning him.

I’m still very much wondering what he is doing and how he is feeling.
i know all of this is not what I should be thinking, and I can say all the words, but I’m not feeling them.
This is all questions for my therapist this week.

Thank you for listening 🪴

What I’m hearing, is someone who has prioritised someone else for so long that it’s uncomfortable to stop.

There’s a nagging empty space where “I must walk on eggshells, make sure nothing upsets him, check this is ok with him”, used to be.

There was nothing good about that, but you still feel it’s missing. Like when you have a bad tooth out or fix a creaking step- you are so used to accommodating it, you can’t be relaxed about it’s absence.

Hang in there. You will adjust.

I think you're so used to worrying about him that it's hard to switch that off.

You've spent a lot of your life worrying about him.
Worrying about what he's thinking, how he'll react, his next move...it's so ingrained into you that'll it'll take time to disappear.
Be gentle with yourself and each time you do something that makes you worry about him, tell yourself that it's not about him anymore. It's about you.
The more you tell yourself this, the more you will start to believe it xx

Thank you all for those wise words. There are so many nuances to this recovery process. I am realising how much I had changed and adapted to accomodate him. A really small thing that struck me as I was ordering my shopping the other day was that he was fussy about toilet roll!!!! Now I can order the cheapest without worrying. I spent the weekend with 3 long standing couples, and I admit I did feel so sad that our relationship was (now I see) so dysfunctional, and I hanker so much for the level of good companionship and love I had initially thought I had, and still had hoped for, and I saw demonstrated with them.
I worked so hard to be normal and mask the unhappiness, now it just keeps flooding out of me.

It’s a process. You dammed up a lot of emotion to allow you to continue with an untenable situation. It’s just slowly leaking away now.

Do all the self care. It really does have practical, effective benefits for you. Gradually reducing the level of cortisol which has become your normal is really important for your long term health.

You’ll be amazed by how much energy and brain you have available, once it’s freed up from accommodating him!

I heard from the police yesterday that he will be interviewed again next week, then the decision will be made to refer or not to CPS. It just opened up a pit in my stomach again. I really want to have to think about it. I am so angry with him for putting me through all this. I’d just begun to calm down after the weekend and now it all comes flooding back.

It’s unfair. Have they referred you to victim support? It’s not something I know anything about, but you won’t be alone. What you’re feeling is very normal.

Thank you @pickledandpuzzled . The investigating officer assured me this was all standard procedure. I will contact my IDVA, and have a chat with him. It is all the waves of emotion that come in and go out. (actually for some reason while I was searching for my IDVA's last text message for some reason the search engine threw up something from my husband from 8 years ago, that re-inforced how long this had been going on - much more subtle at that time, but even so full of gaslighting and control when I read it now. It was not in my imagination and by no way normal)

Sending you a hand hold. You are so incredibly strong and will get through the next few days with your head held high.
Surround yourself with friends xxx

Hi OP.
I stayed with my violent exh for ten years.

Now, I can't imagine why I put up with it for so long.

Our son saw his father recently, and was told that I'd made up all the allegations of violence. Oh and that as I bruise easily, it was my fault that I had injuries.

You couldn't make it up.

I'm silently cheering you on from the sidelines though.

Thank you @TheShellBeach and @IHateLegDay . The support and cheering on of internet strangers is amazingly helpful to me. Anything and everything that pushes me along the path is welcome. 🌿

I’m dealing with another wave of sadness, I’ve heard that he is now seeing people to deal with his psychological issues, beginning to re-engage with the world. It hurts so much, how could he not do it for me, and why do I now have to keep being the responsible adult with all the day to day of running the house, looking after dogs and all the other life shit. I am having to sit very hard on any feelings of wanting to see him. It just is so hard, and I am so tired of being strong. And I am cross myself for my stupidity and weakness of not seeing and acting on the red flags when I could have walked away with much less emotionally and financially invested.

OP he may be doing this as a way to show the court that he's addressing his behaviour.

In any case, men like this never change. They go to anger management courses, but when (in the real world) something happens which challenges them, they revert to type.

He probably isn't doing this because he really wants to. And even if he is, you need to let it go. Keep going over all the incidents where he hurt you, hit you, pushed you, threw things at you, and shouted abuse at you.

Ah, he's only doing it to try to get off with nothing more than a 'well, don't do it again' if he gets prosecuted. It won't change anything in him - he'll just have the language to claim that it has.

He could have done this ages ago and chose not to. Sadly, you had to go through all that unnecessarily. He could have done things differently.

Stay strong. The person you miss is the one you wish he was.

Thank you for your wise words, it all makes sense. Whether it is conscious or sub conscious on his part, you are all absolutely right, he could have done it earlier while we had a chance. I am not going to be diverted by it, and I won’t be drawn into relenting and seeing him. It would need many years of sobriety before I could trust again. (And by then I will have managed to move on). It brings tears to the back of my eyes when I say this, but I have to keep being strong……Thank you for listening 🪴

So proud of you.
Be gentle with yourself xxxx

Hello again. I came the closest I have in the 3 months in wanting to press the button and text him, and let him back in my life. Various things have happened that put him in the front of my mind, and it has been so so hard to push him back. I have cried and screamed and ranted. I’ve called my friends I can, to talk me down and I have sat at my desk and failed to work. I am tired of having to battle my feelings every day. I’ve booked an extra session with my therapist, I’m reading’Why does he do that’. I’m keeping busy…. But what else can I do, I am so exhausted and sad?
🥀

Doing the right thing can be exhausting. But not as exhausting as spending the rest o your life paying for letting him back in.

I wonder whether sunken costs could help you here? You have come so far, why would you go back just to have to do it again?

Everything you describe sounds good and sensible- therapist, friends, expressing your grief. Have you celebrated? Have you celebrated the 3 months you’ve achieved?

What about a personal party to celebrate every day you’ve been walking this road in the right direction?
That could be 90 jellybeans.
Or a treat you wouldn’t normally splurge on. Do you like a posh candle?
Or a weekend away.

Have you done anything like massage/spa/somatic yoga to address the physical impact of emotional pain?

I like to light a candle, watch the flame, listen to the crackle if it’s that sort, and enjoy the scent. I burn it while I work because I find work trying 🤣. It’s a little bit of comfort on my desk.

@pickledandpuzzled Thank you! I will stay on the path. I’ve just gone back and read some of the shit he texted me over Christmas. I’ve had many waves of emotion over the last weeks, but this is being a tsunami. It is not helping that there are police things happening at the moment, so I can’t ignore them. I do have a lovely weekend away planned with a girlfriend, and the dogs will be in Kennels so I can just focus on me. I suspect I have been keeping almost too busy, but then again the feelings roll when I am alone, so it is a double edged sword.

Mornings are usually the worst, but something got me last night…..and then I find it hard to sleep.

off to find a candle! 🕯️

Well done!
Well done.

Keep on the path, @Userccjlnhibibljn8

I was exactly the same. I thought at one point that as it had been so long, he'd be really sorry, and he'd never hit me again.

Of course, that was nonsense, and deep down, I knew that.

I know how hard it is, but you're doing really, really well.