Called the police

[Userccjlnhibibljn8]

I finally snapped and called the police this evening, and my husband has been arrested. He was drunk and angry and hit me. It’s been escalating for months. In between feeling heartbroken what do I do next. Someone will be calling me in the morning to discuss next steps, and I assume if I want to take things further. We are married so what do I do? I put most money into the house, and I don’t want to have to be the one who leaves. Has anyone else been here and have advice. My heart can’t quite believe I have done this, but my head says I need to be safe and nothing short of a miracle can take us back to a good place.

@TheShellBeach Thank you for your reply, you are right. I am remembering that the tension I would have felt if I had gone out without him has gone, and I was able to stay for as long as I wanted. I will do my best to hold onto that feeling!

I'd give her all of his stuff. The more of him that's gone from your house, the more will be gone from your mind. You need a space that's clear of him to heal.
Sending hugs xxx

A quick update, It’s been an along and down week. I was very wobbly at the beginning. I found the process of handing over his stuff very hard. It emphasised the finality of everything, and the mourning kicked in big time. I spent most of Monday crying in the ladies at work. I was also anxious as I was waiting on a time from the police for giving a further statement. That is done now, and it is Friday, and I’m away for the weekend, and I’ve filled up my diary for the next few weeks. I’m feeling calmer now.

Thank you for listening 🌷

Ah, well done, @Userccjlnhibibljn8 !

I hope you have a great weekend and feel thoroughly distracted!

I've just read this thread, and giving you a hug and high five for calling the police in the first place, and being strong in your resolve for the long run.
Enjoy your weekend and know you will always have on line support.

Aw I'm sorry you've had a difficult few days.

Well done for everything though! You're an inspiration.

Psyching myself up for a tough day, I have a work meeting where we got married………. I’ve pre warned my colleague, and someone else there knows a bit of my story, so I think I’ll be ok, but I have a pit of anxiety I my stomach. I keep managing to shut the box with him in it, and then something happens that opens it up, and I am blindsided, and the emotions rush in. I should buy shares in Kleenex.

Keep going - these hard occasions now are processing times - this means that when you are over it, you'll REALLY be over it.
It's like a cut healing from the bottom upwards, its healthier and better.
A scab 'healing' over the top is less painful short term, but leaves a void and and injury long term.

Go to the work event, look at the venue as a place where the wedding was ... But now it's a work venue, and you didn't break the vows, he did.

You got this.

I am in awe, you are handling this all so well ❤️

Remember, it's not about how hard you fall it's about picking yourself up. You're too close to see it, but from your posts I can see you ARE rocking on and will soon look back on this and see it too.

It'll be difficult to go to the meeting.
But you'll probably find afterwards that it was just a venue - nothing else. I mean, it shouldn't bring back difficult memories.

You're being so brave.

Meetings ok, and I managed to focus on the subject in hand. Walking away I am just so sad, and all I can articulate is that it is a loss of hope for the future, I miss what I thought life was going to be, and I want to scream and shout at him to say how could you have fucked it all up so spectacularly. Thank you @TheShellBeach @IgoogledYOLO and @Peasnbeans for being there to speak sense to me today

Well done. That’s another first ticked off, challenge overcome. It gets easier each time.

You got through it. Well done!

Another week beginning. I’ve set myself the goal of not crying today because I can always cry tomorrow. I had a really useful conversation with a friend who has worked with addicts in the past, she explained a lot and helped me understand the dilemma of still loving the ‘good’ part of my husband, and helping to confirm to me that I cannot see or talk to him now, It would help neither of us. (I had no intentions of doing so, but it was good to talk about the longing)
business wise I’ve finalised my police statement, so that is totally out of my hands, and I see lawyers tomorrow about the divorce process.

thank you for listening 🌻

Well done. A day at a time is good.

Giving yourself permission to cry at specific moments can be helpful.

I’d put on a soppy film, or some Christmas adverts, and bawl my eyes out. Then wash my face and get on with life.

Well done for staying resolute. I know from personal experience how difficult that is.

It's a rollercoaster - up and down, but always moving forward.

It’s been a mixed week. In one way good because I hit the realisation that the alcohol was just another excuse for him, and there is no point beating myself up around could I have supported him differently with that (I Know….I know….), and he was that abusive person at the core. But the flip side is then how could I have fallen for that, and the feeling that the whole 12 years or so was a fake. I stood outside with my dogs this morning and did realise that I wasn’t wishing that I could go back in time to have my old life back, because that just left me cold remembering the underlying stress.

It is amazing how much the power of hope is, and when you wipe that away, I am staggered about what I thought was OK.

On a practical note I got the gentle nudge from work that I have to pull my socks up (very gentle , and I am sure if I said I needed a mental health break that would be ok). I’m fine when I’m busy and have meetings and stuff to do, but the thinking work is hard as my brain just shuts down. I find myself walking into meetings having completely forgotten that I should have planned it and having to wing it.

I feel very strongly that I have to keep going, and that that will keep me sane, whilst really wanting to collapse and let someone else sort everything out. But I don’t have a ‘someone else’.

Thank you for listening to my Saturday morning ramblings. 🌷

Hi OP,
Just sending you best wishes from a stranger who sympathises.
Things will get better!

OP I had very similar feelings after a ten year violent marriage.

One, that it was lovely to be at peace at last, and two, that maybe it hadn't been that bad.

Of course, it had been that bad. I only had to recall various frightening incidents to realise that.

My work very kindly gave me three weeks off, paid.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 one thing I found helpful as well as putting meetings in diary is to add a note to say what prep is needed, and to actually schedule time for the prep. Fills the work diary nicely too.
Don't fee bad at asking for a break from work if you need it.

Another week done. A significant boy's toy went away this week (in theory to be sold to pay for rehab, but who knows). It wasn't something I liked particularly, but it encapsulated the hope and the impossibility of everything. Once it had been taken away I sat in my car and screamed at the universe.
I feel fairly even keeled most of the time, but then something catches me unawares like E Mails from a hotel we used to stay in, and I am overwhelmed by the finality of it all, and I am still anxious about how he is and how he is feeling. I'm practicing mindfullness and imagary of putting those thoughts in a box, but it is hard going, and I've always struggled with the concept of meditation. I am someone who is better when busy, but I can also get overwhelmed and then I stagnate in an out of control to do list.
Today I am pulling out my best productivity tools. I have got my feelings out of my head by writing them down here, and I am going to set the timer for 30 minutes and focus on work, and cross something off my list (even if it is just 'write the list').
Thank you for listening x

I'm always impressed with your resolve. Even though it's hard, you're sticking to it.

Seeing his toy taken away must've been hard. And worrying about him is normal, despite the damage he's done to you. You loved him, after all. That can't be switched off immediately.

It's been many, many years since my ex husband and I came to an end. Even now, I gather from our son, he claims that I lied to the police and to everyone. Apparently he never hit me.

SMH. I don't care about him anymore.
But I used to, and I used to worry about him.

Your still in quite early days, OP. It's raw. But you're getting there!

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so resolved, it so hard and painful, and when doubt creeps in it takes so much,

Yes. This, over and over.
You wonder if there might have been a future for you, if some small thing had changed. His drinking, probably. If you knew for certain that he'd never be able to drink alcohol again, maybe there would be a chance? Obviously there wouldn't be a chance, but that's where our minds take us.
Or if he could be persuaded never to mention some incident which caused him to be angry with you, or your friends and family.

But that will not happen, and you have to keep reminding yourself of the violent incidents, and the fear you felt, and the bruises and wounds you sustained.

Tell yourself that you were lucky, because two women each week are murdered by their intimate partners.
You survived.