Called the police

[Userccjlnhibibljn8]

I finally snapped and called the police this evening, and my husband has been arrested. He was drunk and angry and hit me. It’s been escalating for months. In between feeling heartbroken what do I do next. Someone will be calling me in the morning to discuss next steps, and I assume if I want to take things further. We are married so what do I do? I put most money into the house, and I don’t want to have to be the one who leaves. Has anyone else been here and have advice. My heart can’t quite believe I have done this, but my head says I need to be safe and nothing short of a miracle can take us back to a good place.

You put up with it so long because they were good times once, and you hope they'll come back. Until eventually the hope dies and you realise you've been putting up with horrendous shit for far too long and it has to end. Well done for getting out, OP and I hope there's a much brighter future ahead.

Quick update, nothing from the police, but my non molestation and occupation orders were granted today. He did not contest it, so no further hearings. Onwards and upwards….

Keep going!
You're doing really well.

Thanks for updating again op, stay strong.

And on Friday the police told me they are now re-opening the original enquiry. It honestly makes me feel sick to think of having to re-hash it all again. I’ve had friends here for the weekend helping me pack up his stuff into one room so I can relax in the house. I have such mixed feelings at the moment. No doubts about the end of our relationship, but I am very anxious about the police process, and feel a huge amount of pity for him, and the pit he has dug. I don’t know if he will ever climb out it.

I don’t know whether to congratulate you or commiserate. I’m sorry you have to go through the police business again- but maybe this time it will help you process rather than just being a bewildering shock. 💐

Don't feel sorry for him. You are feeling those emotions because you have been conditioned over the years to excuse his behaviour. This is also known as FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

It goes hand-in-hand with abusive relationships.

Hold strong and reach out to agencies such as Women's Aid for help and support. Take all the support you can get.

TBH I also felt pity for my violent ex, for a while. In a way, that's normal. The feeling will recede, OP.

I'm glad the police are resurrecting the first inquiry, but it's going to cause you some distress, naturally.

You're being remarkably strong even though you don't feel it at the moment.

Onwards and upwards!

I'm so in awe of you and feeling exceptionally proud that you're working with the police to get him charged.
I was never brave enough to report my abuser but looking back I wish I'd had your courage!

I'm praying for your safety and hoping this will all be behind you before you know it xxx

i don’t have any significant updates, just trying to carry on carrying on. I’ve been able to fill up my time over Easter with friends and dog training. I have to start organising things to do over the coming weekends. I have my first session with a therapist tomorrow. I’m really feeling numb, with flurries of deep sadness and grief, it is as if the last 10 years of my life were a dream, and didn’t really happen. I saw my elderly parents yesterday, my father asked me if I’d considered marriage counselling……I had to reiterate again to him why not , and that was harder than telling friends some of the really gory details of what happened in my marriage.

Thank you for reading, it is helpful to put down in type where my head is at, before I put my brave face back on.

Thanks for coming back to your thread. You are experiencing grief for what has happened and the loss of what it should have been. I’m very glad you have people around you. Take care.

That sound like more evidence than most DV cases so hopefully the Crown Prosecution Service will take it on. They also want to be convinced that you will attend court as a witness because the Injured Party frequently backs out at the last minute.

Thanks for the update, OP.
There are a few women on here who I keep in my thoughts and you're one of them.
You're still doing really well. It's so hard to look back at years of abuse and wonder how you coped with it.

@TheShellBeach Thank you, that means a lot to me. I will keep updating x

Keep going! You're in the thick of it right now but as time goes on, it'll get easier xx

Again no real updates, I was meant to give a further statement earlier in the week, but the officer who was coming was ill so I’m waiting for another date. I had a totally understandable notification on my phone on Wednesday that put his name on my screen, which left me sobbing in Dunelm……I’ve just come out of a period where I had lots to look forward to, so the diary was empty for a while and that doesn’t help. I’ve booked some stuff in now, so I don’t have empty weekends in prospect. Lots of good calls with friends, and had my first session with my therapist (who reinforced the text book nature of it all). It all doesn’t really help the numb feeling, and the anxiety of what is to come, but it keeps me functioning.

Well done OP you have done the right thing. This happened to me and I pressed charges and got an injunction out against him. He had to leave the house. I suggest you do the same. Don't feel sorry for him. He did this to himself and you don't owe him anything.

Just read your full thread for the first time @Userccjlnhibibljn8
I think you’re doing amazingly well. I’m surprised, but sadly not shocked about what happened with your first case. I hope the reopening / connecting with the second incident yields a better outcome.
I’m also sending you positive thoughts and strength.

Just read all your updates. Bloody hell it brings back horrible memories of my marriage that I thought were dead and buried. What an ass your ex is he is just totally messing up his own life. The divorce courts have a dim view of men like this they often award a far smaller settlement to compensate.
I had to leave my home and go to a refuge as the police could not keep me safe.
But he lost custody of our DS until DS was 18 and was not allowed to see him.
I got plenty of compensatory money in the divorce and enough to move away and buy a place of my own.
I really feel for you. You must get counselling at some stage. This kind of experience really hits you in the guts after it's all over just when you think you are OK.

I've been silently following, wanted to add a Well done OP 💐
Have you followed similar threads here? I've seen a few, I can find the links if you haven't read already. They often span over long periods but the change and growth through the process is amazing. You are on the path to better days ❤️

You sound awesome.

I love that you're so aware of the role that others are playing to prop you up and get you through this - and your resolve to help those who don't have that.

I wish you well as you deserve a bright and happy future.

Keep going OP, you're doing brilliantly.

Don't lose hope, OP.
Don't feel discouraged.

You're doing well and we're all cheering you on.

A bad morning. A relative is coming to collect some of his stuff, I get on well with her, so that is OK, but it means he is alive and I can’t pretend he is permanently gone, and he is within touching distance, half of me wants to know how he is and how he feels, the other half is trying not to care, and doesn’t want to know.

Yesterday I went to a community event and missed him being there, then I had to remember he probably wouldn’t, because something would have been wrong, and I would not have gone myself because it was easier to stay. I think I’m grieving the hope…..the poor dogs are being hugged a lot!

It sounds like you're grieving the relationship you wished it had been, not the relationship it actually was.

These feelings are normal and they'll gradually recede.

Try to remember how frightened you felt when he hit you.