Called the police

[Userccjlnhibibljn8]

I finally snapped and called the police this evening, and my husband has been arrested. He was drunk and angry and hit me. It’s been escalating for months. In between feeling heartbroken what do I do next. Someone will be calling me in the morning to discuss next steps, and I assume if I want to take things further. We are married so what do I do? I put most money into the house, and I don’t want to have to be the one who leaves. Has anyone else been here and have advice. My heart can’t quite believe I have done this, but my head says I need to be safe and nothing short of a miracle can take us back to a good place.

Rationally, you know not to contact the relative. But I'm sure it's very difficult regardless. Please remember that making any sort of contact would probably be misconstrued by him. As hard as it is, staying NC is the right (and best) thing for you.
❤

So sorry to hear your news. Must be very difficult for you but I agree no contact is still the way to go.

I’m so sorry! I agree, don’t initiate contact.

You will have to think about whether you want further news or would prefer the relative not to update you.

This will be hard, but as you know it’s like a muscle you need to exercise! Hang in there, it will get easier.

You need to be very strong and ignore this, @Userccjlnhibibljn8

Your ex has, as you say, brought this on himself.

Keep strong op, not your circus, not your monkey! What's your next plan to get out and do wholesome fun stuff for yourself? More sea swims, something different?

Sending a hand hold!

Stay strong lovely. As hard as it may be to stay away when something like this happens, he's not your problem anymore.

Take some time this week for some self care. Get cosy with a nice coffee and a book xxx

This! Also user- you’re brave and well done! Be meticulous!

Thank you all for your support. It really helps, and I am firm in my non action, however hard that is and sad it makes me feel.

Anyway I also have to deal with my father’s ill health (I fear that he is close to having to go into a care home as he is declining fast and my mother is struggling to cope) and that is much more worth my energy and anxiety.

I have extended the bank holiday weekend and have a lot planned with friends, back where we used to live. Lots of dog stuff, entering one in a competition that builds on lots of training we have been doing. Fingers crossed he will do what I know he can!

I’ll report back!
xx

Hello, back at work after a few days break. Not sure that it was really a holiday but a change. The dog did well in his competition, one mistake that knocked us out of the awards, but that was just one of those things, and makes me determined to spend more time training him. Good times with friends, and hopefully at least a decent conversation with my parents (individually - I think I am becoming an go-between) about some future options.

I did find it sad driving around where we used to live. I drove past lots of places we went house hunting, and had to really supress the grief about the hope gone. I am grateful that we did so little together where I am currently, so it means I am not fighting memories and I am pretty sure I now know I am going to try to manage things such that I stay in the house at least for the next few years.

If the weather is decent I'll be heading to the sea again this weekend, and a flower farm to pick a bucket of flowers! I love the feel of late summer/early autumn, I will do my best to capture that.

Thank you as always for listening 🍁

The heralds of autumn- shorter days and the geese practicing.
Well done Userdog! Better luck next time!
PickleDog tends to win ‘luckiest mutt’!

He’s a bit too self aware to be good at anything obedience based. Tends to look at me with a ‘but why?’, expression. Then either does or doesn’t oblige depending on whether he thinks a passingly decent idea.

I’ve impressed myself today with rescaling/resolutioning the second screen on my laptop that had started to misbehave. Tech triumphs!

I love getting your updates @Userccjlnhibibljn8

Good that you have some positives.

Are you going to swim in the sea again?

The autumn probably captures your mood Op, a lingering sadness that the summer is nearly over but the hope of other nice things to come.

Thank you ShellBeach (your user name makes me think of some wonderful places I have been in the past). I've never been one for keeping a diary or journalling, but in the last 6 months I have found it amazingly helpful, both here, and in my notebook (which is an awful lot more ranty than here!). Your support means a lot to me.

Yes I hope to swim, the weather looks pretty good for Sunday morning so that is my target.🌊

Yes, I think it is a bit like the excitement of a new year at school with new clean notebooks and opportunities. Just have to get used to them be 'I' oppotunities rather than 'we' x

Yes, UserDog 1 is very good at looking at me and saying 'are your sure Mother', UserDog2 just is feral, so he stays in the back of the car, and comes out only on a long line! I'm dithering about getting a puppy at somepoint that I can start from scratch on, but not till divorce and police are closed out, and I know what is happening with my parents.

Well done on Tech triumphs , I hope your weekend has good things in it x

Posting from my beach cafe again, egg and bacon roll tastes brilliant. I’m having a weekend of odd jobs before a busy few weeks and doing things for me.

I learned during week that he had been resuscitated and it was touch and go. I’ve not contacted his relative. This no contact lark is so hard. It feels heartless to be getting on with my life, but I keep going back to my list of good things about my life now remembering how shit it was. I recognise that it is only human to hurt for him, but I have to take care of me.

hugs and happy Sunday to all x

Indeed. You need to focus on your own life- it has to be our first priority!

I’m actually at a bit of a crossroads and may not be around for a while. I wish you all good things and will be thinking about you, even if I don’t see your updates!

Keep on keeping on, building the life you deserve to have that he was preventing! Your life.

@pickledandpuzzled thank you for being there and listening to me, your advice and wisdom to an internet stranger has been wonderful. I wish you all the best. I’m going to keep updating here, so if you want to you will hear my ending x

Today I've gone back and read all your posts @Userccjlnhibibljn8 and the thing that's missing is anger, not normally a great emotion, but in some situations very helpful.Lots of MN posts women are deeply unhappy when their DH leaves them, they can only see the good things, then one day he does/says something and they are raging, the scales fall from their eyes and they don't look back.
I'm not suggesting you see or speak to him, not at all, but you seem stuck in your sadness and it would be great for you if you could throw that off and be happy. Maybe because your marriage has come to such a short sharp end you feel it's unfinished business and that helpful anger has never dropped into place. Maybe your therapist could help, give you a private place to find it.
You're obviously trying really hard to get back to some fun times, which is brilliant and I love your weekly updates, keep them coming please

Back to the beach, eh?

Sounds sybaritic! It's very cold here, so I'm jealous.

@Daleksatemyshed , Thank you for that observation, you are right. There have been flashes of anger, mainly around how stupid he was, but not that raw emotion. I've always been a very even keeled person, but while he was around, drinking, and being utterly unreasonable in his responses to my actions I was so angry, I shouted and screamed at him, and often had to walk away to let my anger disipate (the dogs got an awful lot of walks). The anger had no where to go except to him and that got turned around on me often ,and I didn't confide in anyone. I hated how I was unable to be calm in the face of his abuse. I would read all the al anon information about 'detatching with love' and wondered how on earth anyone could do that.
I feel as if I used up all my anger then and returned to my normal calm. non confrontational self.
I'll talk to my therapist this week - thank you

@theshellbeach -don't get too excited, it was raining by the time I got out of the sea!

My ex also made an attempt on his life in January. My dd1 still has contact with him (I don't, there's a NHO) and he blamed her for his attempt because she called him on his abusive behaviour and reported him to the police. He actually explicitly blamed her to her face she is 15 years old. So that's probably what you're missing by not contacting him. You live ya best life and be glad you're no longer part of the circus

@teenmaw that's awful, your poor daughter.

I hope she's ok.

Hello, I’ve been thinking a lot about @Daleksatemyshed ’s post above over the last week, and talked it through with my therapist and a close friend. Thank you for the prompt. My predominant emotion is still sadness, particularly as with his current health issues there is a very high chance he will die sooner rather than later, and it is really bringing home to me that I am never going to see him again, it is really over. So a very major part of me is still mourning my (perceived) good husband. My bad husband is still alive and I can’t find it in myself to hate him, I just feel pity. Maybe the police stuff will change that. It has just gone to CPS, and I have to get my victim impact statement done, and I’ll dig into what he really did to me again.

meanwhile I will keep faking it till I make it. I am going to the theatre with a new neighbour this evening, and am biting the bullet with my parents’ situation.

No sea swimming last weekend as the sea quality wasn’t great 😖, and I have a busy weekend planned.

Thank you for listening and making me think and smile 😊 x

You are so brave and well done for doing this. Please don't tske him back. Before worrying about equity, I would speak to a solicitor