Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being financially abused?

130 replies

MadDogMama · 18/02/2024 22:21

Met DH 16 years ago.Got joint mortgage 11 y ago. Equally entry financially.
He insisted on joint finances after his ExW ripped him off for thousands on several separate occasions.
We are now mortgage free on both our home and rental property.
I now feel like I am suffering the consequences of ExW's actions.
We have a joint account where the only income is my salary. Everything we owe, bills etc. Is paid from this account. He has visibility of this. He also has a separate business account which I have no visibility of, and from which he contributes zero to our joint account.
More recently He questioned a transaction I made to a friend which was for a spa weekend.

I honestly feel like I'm going out of my mind, I can't spend a penny without it being seen or questioned (noting that I earn my own money)

He gets a lot of cash from his business which he offers to me like I'm the little woman in need of pocket money, and I fucking hate it!!!

AIBU? Do I need to set up separate accounts.? What else?

I can't stand this anymore.

OP posts:
BranchGold · 18/02/2024 22:27

You should absolutely keep your income separate if he does so himself.

does he contribute to the bills? Or just your ‘pocket money’?

TheSmallAssassin · 18/02/2024 22:29

He is insistent on joint finances, but doesn't actually contribute to the joint account? How does he justify that?

Pinkie89 · 18/02/2024 22:30

Yes get separate accounts. He has no right to question you over your spending, of your own money and after you have paid all the bills!
is he contributing to bills at all?

ilovelamp82 · 18/02/2024 22:31

I don't understand. Surely it's not joint finances if you're the only one doing. Tell him you both have access to everything or he has no access to yours. And why isn't he paying any bills?

TheSmallAssassin · 18/02/2024 22:32

I would open up a separate account and start paying your salary into that, then work out what your joint outgoings are and tell him that from now on you will only be paying half of that into the joint account and he needs to contribute the rest.

Flowerfairie · 18/02/2024 22:35

Of course you are. And probably the ex was too. Grow a backbone. What does he contribute to your life

Viviennemary · 18/02/2024 22:35

Don't stand for this. You pay all the bills. Good idea to open another account and pay your salary into that for a start. This isn't joint finances.

StealthMama · 18/02/2024 22:37

Yes is the short answer.

Original poster
MadDogMama · 18/02/2024 22:37

BranchGold · 18/02/2024 22:27

You should absolutely keep your income separate if he does so himself.

does he contribute to the bills? Or just your ‘pocket money’?

He doesn't contribute, I pay for all the household bills and grocery shopping.
Don't get me.wrong, with no mortgage on two properties we are far from "hard up".
I just fucking hate that he has full visibility of everything I do financially (and I'm not a big spender)
But then offers me money like he's doing me this massive favour. I don't want a frigging penny!
Yet he has complete visibility of everything I do.

I get that his ExW did him over, but he can't punish me for her actions.

OP posts:
Pashazade · 18/02/2024 22:38

Open your own account for your salary, only pay into the joint account what you need to for 50% of the bills! I don't know who he thinks he is but he's trying to take you for a ride and he's got a nerve cross examining what you spend when it's your money!

Darhon · 18/02/2024 22:39

Get another account and then pay half the monthly joint expenses into the ‘joint’ account or it’s not really joint, is it?

Quitelikeit · 18/02/2024 22:39

Why does he not pay towards bills and food?

What does he spend his money on?

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 18/02/2024 22:39

You are paying ALL the bills and he’s paying nothing?!? That’s insane. What’s he doing with his money? Have you asked him to contribute to bills? What is his justification for not doing so?

MorticiaSand · 18/02/2024 22:39

Yes you need a separate accounts, and an Excel database of all your outgoings. You have every right to feel resentful, and should show him how much you have spent in the past year on the bills. Then insist that some of your income goes to a personal spending account, and that he contributes X amount monthly towards the bills. You both need to consider wills, given that you share considerable assets. If he offers you cash payments here and there, refuse them and ask for a standing order monthly of half the bills.

MrsKeats · 18/02/2024 22:40

I don't understand this.
Why is he not contributing to bills?

pikkumyy77 · 18/02/2024 22:41

He can as long as you let him. Stop letting him. Open your own acount and out your miney there. Stop paying into the fake account” until he matches your contribution. If he makes more than you the contribution should be proportional to income.

qabd · 18/02/2024 22:44

Blimey the Taliban called and they want their man back!

How on earth does he police everything your earn and you have absolutely no idea what he spends his money on. Honestly.

I thank god for Mumsnet every day, educating one woman at a time (I've been that woman too).

But, yes, it's abusive.

helene123 · 18/02/2024 22:45

Yes. You are. Wtf. Why is he not paying at least half?
It should be peanuts if the mortgage is paid off. He’s ripping you off. Guessing he probably makes more than you too. Grow a backbone and don’t let this continue. How do you know he is not gambling it away? Who pays for holiday? What is he doing with his share anyway? Very controlling and manipulating.

Original poster
MadDogMama · 18/02/2024 22:49

Flowerfairie · 18/02/2024 22:35

Of course you are. And probably the ex was too. Grow a backbone. What does he contribute to your life

No, it was definitely the ex wife screwing him over, time and time again. This is why he has trust issues with money.
I appreciate your honesty but telling me to grow a back bone is a very simplistic view.
Thanks for your comment though.

OP posts:
Tel12 · 18/02/2024 22:53

Open a sole account and get your money paid into that. Then 50 percent of the bills into the joint. He then needs to contribute his share of the household expenses to the joint. At least you will have financial privacy.

Codlingmoths · 18/02/2024 22:56

There’s trust issues, and then there’s ’my wife will fucking pay for everything and justify every expense because she’s a fucking woman and another fucking woman ripped me off once.
set up an account in your name. Move your pay. Transfer half to the joint account. Write him a letter telling him

  1. I Am miserable and being financially controlled by you. They way you talk about your ex wife is the way I will be talking about you to my friends when we split if nothing changes- they will be shocked to hear you contribute nothing to the ‘joint’ account you made me set up and put my pay into, that it only exists for you to control every penny I earn and spend and to make sure I pay for everything for us. 2. i have my own bank account now and am being paid into it, I will pay half into the joint account if you transfer the SAME amount on the 1st of each month.
3.if you don’t, we will separate. It’s your family and your life and you need to contribute 4.i will not answer to you about things I spend MY money on. You don’t tell me things you spend your money on, you don’t contribute to daily household costs, you only control mine. This all ends 5 we will go to counselling where we will talk about how you’ve behaved and how you don’t get to blame your ex for treating me like this. I’m not your ex. If you can’t trust me after all these years I need to leave. And if you can’t contribute fairly after all of your bullshit about you need all my money to know you can trust me because some other woman who is NOT ME ripped you off once then I need to leave and I should have a decade ago.

you can tell me you want to work on it by transferring to the joint account, I won’t talk about us until that has happened.

OurChristmasMiracle · 18/02/2024 22:57

He is abusing you financially and he’s also allowing you to spend your income on the bills etc whilst contributing nothing- that’s not a joint financial arrangement. It’s also not a joint account if you’re the only one putting money in, it’s just an account he can over see.

I would also have been tempted to say to him it was none of his business what you do with YOUR money.

his ex wife may have screwed him over with money but how can you be doing that when it is only YOUR money in the account?

Residentevil · 18/02/2024 23:00

Insisting that a spouse/ partner only has a joint account is a red flag in itself. That he isn’t paying anything into the account and then questions what you spend is also a red flag. What his ex did to him in no way excuses his behaviour now. Open your own account for your wages to be paid into and put 50% of joint expenses into the joint account, he can do the same. Take control of the money that you are earning.

Shetlands · 18/02/2024 23:04

He insisted on joint finances...
We have a joint account where the only income is my salary...
He doesn't contribute...

You're asking if you're being financially abused - read what you wrote above!

I totally understand that when you're living within a situation, you can't always see the obvious that's staring you in the face. Please take notice of the great financial advice that people here will give you and act on it. I wish you all the best. 💐

Pegasusforme · 18/02/2024 23:06

Do you want to be with him anymore? Has this been going on for 16 years? He’s a control freak who gets off on handing you cash. A Neanderthal.